Xmas aggro

[Bluebirthdaycard]

gggg😩my 81 year year old mum is impossible to please, nothings ever good enough. On Xmas day myself, dp,ds and DD travelled there and spent the day, stayed over and left boxing day late morning. Unfortunately she and my dp do not get on, so there were some testy moments but no arguments. I've now heard through the grapevine that's she's said she's not doing that again and felt like a stranger in her own home. Bear in mind that I paid for the food, took it there and cooked it and that this crap happens every year with her and my db🙄 swans off🙂on holiday every Xmas leaving me to it. I feel like I have to do this as she has no other family but when I hear she's saying these things I really couldn't care less anymore. Sorry about random emojis, I'm having problems typing and I can only do it if I put in an emoji first.

Your kids are keeping you with a man who is abusing them..

So many people are riven with guilt about their older relatives. Honestly just put yourself and your family first for a couple of years. It sounds like your mum is fine on her own and will complain whether you go or not. But don't buy into the stupid guilt

Your child's toes go blue with cold because your partner won't allow the heating on and you're still with this man? I'd say you've got more problems with him than with your mum.

I have experienced similar, love my mum to bits (lives alone) but every year I alternate between my mums and Mils, both of them are really negative. My mum is always moaning and bitter, complains and MIL is always a bit drunk, crying irrationally over nothing. And it involves alot of travel, stress (with a toddler) and I spend the whole time trying to keep everyone else happy, pretending I'm having a good time, whilst feeling miserable and exhausted myself.
Well this year I decided to stay home and do what I want (live overseas) and it has been the best Christmas yet. I didn't want my mum to be alone & she was able to spend it with a relative but I did go and visit for a week the week before Christmas and organized a family Christmas dinner then and it was lovely. We did lots of festive things, still had a Christmas and then I had another one when I went back home. Could you do something like that? It's your Christmas too, and you deserve to enjoy it. Put yourself first. Your mum will be OK, sounds like she doesn't enjoy it anyway. Tell her you've got plans for next year but will visit the week before.

Just to add to the above, there's always so much expectation around Christmas and it makes it stressful trying to plan a 'perfect' day and often you can end up feeling deflated or unappreciated if it doesn't go to plan or someone's complaining. Chances are if your mum complains alot, she would complain whatever you did. So you may as well do what you want.

As he works full time and I'm part time and earns more money, he's got me over a barrel. My friend came here yesterday and said it's freezing in here, how do you live like this?🤦

Off topic, but homes need to be heated (and ventilated) properly to avoid serious health problems. I bet your husband wouldn’t want to pay for a mould issue to be sorted either?

Well he was right wasnt he! He may have been rude which wasnt right but the fact she cant accept zhecwascwrong says it all .

Next time she refers to that just say "Tgatvwas years ago ; he was worried and scared about a 2 year old quite justifiably; for goodness sake forget it!"

So its "not good enough!" Just tell her well its what's happening so she can have that or have even less or nothing! Her choice.

Start coming back at her moaning but calmly. Whatever she means about say "Ok. But it's that it nothing" or "Take it or leave it mum. Your choice "

I have a mum like yours and siblings who don’t bother visiting her. She also moans and is a very negative person. She also won’t stay over at my house on Christmas. She also wants me to take food over and cook at her house. My solution was to have Christmas dinner with my kids at home and then go over to hers taking leftovers and having pudding at her house and spend a few hours there and then leave. That way we see her but don’t put ourselves out for someone who isn’t willing to meet us somewhere inbetween.

OP you really need to be less passive about leaving your OH otherwise your risk becoming the mother her children don't want to visit as adults because of the person she lives with.

Hand you looked at the website "entitled to" to see how much you'd get a a single parent?

This. We’ve done the same with another elderly relative (aunt), who stays with us over Christmas (no one else in the family will put up with her). She makes it unbearable, stresses everyone out - and ruined this Christmas - without meaning to I’m sure. We’ve already said we will be away next Christmas and will mention that throughout the year.
I feel guilty but I just can’t do it again.

Another suggestion for next year is to go up the weekend before , (Christmas is on a Tuesday) take her out for Sunday lunch and do her a little hamper of M&S type goodies and ready Meals, then go home , I assure you she will be far happier on her own watching her soaps. Say you will ring her Christmas morning. Then you can enjoy the day you want and so can she. Don't feel upset or angry , her house is her little haven and having other people there can be hard when you get older , you honestly do feel your house isn't your own. I think people make this big thing of all being together for the big day, but honestly most people like to keep it small .

I voted YANBU because you’re not and I’d feel the same as you if I was in your position. However she is 81 and elderly people have a different mindset. Might be worth cutting her some slack. We’ve all been young but none of us have been old. I think if you don’t see her next year she’ll be devastated and incredibly hurt so ultimately your problems will be worse.
sorry I’m not much help but it’s just the way it is in my HO.

I completely understand also having an 81 year old mother and the last few Christmas having been testing and I feel your pain. However this Christmas she has been in hospital and diagnosed with a terminal illness. To be honest I'm hoping for an awkward and annoying Christmas next year.

She is 81! It is probably all getting to much for her.
Even my saintly Mum has started getting a bit stubborn now. You won't have so many more years of this so make it work for you in as loving a way as you can.