Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Xmas aggro

165 replies

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 05:39

gggg😩my 81 year year old mum is impossible to please, nothings ever good enough. On Xmas day myself, dp,ds and DD travelled there and spent the day, stayed over and left boxing day late morning. Unfortunately she and my dp do not get on, so there were some testy moments but no arguments. I've now heard through the grapevine that's she's said she's not doing that again and felt like a stranger in her own home. Bear in mind that I paid for the food, took it there and cooked it and that this crap happens every year with her and my db🙄 swans off🙂on holiday every Xmas leaving me to it. I feel like I have to do this as she has no other family but when I hear she's saying these things I really couldn't care less anymore. Sorry about random emojis, I'm having problems typing and I can only do it if I put in an emoji first.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 29/12/2023 10:11

Your partner is abusing you and your child.

You are complicit in his abuse of your child whilst you allow his behaviour to continue.

You have unhealthy relationships left right and centre.

You are risking your daughter’s health and she will grow up wondering why you didn’t protect her.

You don’t want to discuss it or deal with it and that’s your choice, but you are in denial and ignoring it makes no difference to the dysfunction you are imposing on your child(ren).

OhmygodDont · 29/12/2023 10:12

Sounds like your mum and partner don’t get along because they might as well be the same people with their controlling moaning tendencies.

Either way though you don’t have to go there for Christmas you just don’t. You also don’t let your daughter freeze to the extent are toes are blue for a man.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 29/12/2023 10:13

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 07:01

You're probably right, neither of them are any picnic but maybe I'm not either. I try to please everyone...I can't expect my dp to stay at home and not be with his kids on Xmas day but feel bad about my mum being on her own. I'm always stuck in the middle and it's very difficult.

Show quote history

Stop trying to please anyone but yourself, then. It sounds as though your DM and your DP don't make any effort to please you.
Honestly, I would do as PPs suggest and announce now that you won't be either visiting or hosting your DM next year. You'll get a hard time whatever you do, so you may as well make yourself happy.

mumsytoon · 29/12/2023 10:17

BonnieIou · 29/12/2023 06:44

So you don't let her watch her soaps at the age of 81 was it? Want money for bringing her to yours, and have the house freezing. Tbh I can see why she doesn't feel welcome and feels like a stranger in her own home....I dont think this is as straight forward as saying she moans about everything. I dont think there's any compromise from your side at all.

I see you are intent on twisting this around. The dm sounds like a nasty woman. Both her child feel obligated to her, one doesn't even want to spend Xmas with her and the other feels it's a miserable thing she has to do - do you think a good mother would have children like these ??
Op , I don't blame your dp one bit for having a go at her for what she did. I would have blasted someone who put my child in danger and found it funny. Confront her about what you heard and let her know it was just as miserable for you. Just because she's 81 and alone doesn't mean she can't hear the truth.

DeeLusional · 29/12/2023 10:18

LonelynSad · 29/12/2023 06:17

Hang on, your partner is refusing to put heating on? That's not ok..

This! Is it his house, is he the only one paying the bills?

Shodan · 29/12/2023 10:41

OP I suspect your mother dislikes your H because they are birds of a feather.

Perhaps your new year's resolution should be to convince yourself that you deserve to have a happy life, and work out how to achieve it. Maybe some assertiveness classes or something.

Be the one who dictates how you live your life. Don't let the controlling bullies bring you down.

BonnieIou · 29/12/2023 10:44

mumsytoon · 29/12/2023 10:17

I see you are intent on twisting this around. The dm sounds like a nasty woman. Both her child feel obligated to her, one doesn't even want to spend Xmas with her and the other feels it's a miserable thing she has to do - do you think a good mother would have children like these ??
Op , I don't blame your dp one bit for having a go at her for what she did. I would have blasted someone who put my child in danger and found it funny. Confront her about what you heard and let her know it was just as miserable for you. Just because she's 81 and alone doesn't mean she can't hear the truth.

Show quote history

Not at all. Just clearly not as straight forward as saying this is all on the Mum. My opinion is allowed isn't it?

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 29/12/2023 10:46

widowtwankywashroom · 29/12/2023 06:32

Seriously no heating
You've got bigger issues

Yeah - I suspect we have a DH problem rather than a DM problem

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 29/12/2023 10:47

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 08:05

He'd just say how unbearably hot he is and turn it off. He justifies it by saying about the rise in energy costs🤷🏼

Show quote history

This would be a dealbreaker for me

MinnieGirl · 29/12/2023 10:49

My mum was like this. Nothing was ever good enough. She moaned about everything. In the end I came to accept that nothing I did would ever be right and just stopped trying.

I would tell your mum very calmly that your friend has told you what she said, and you are very hurt and very angry by her comments. But you agree totally with her wishes never to do that again. And from this year you will be having Christmas with your partner and children as a family. You will try and pop in over the festive period work rota permitting, but as she found this Christmas so hard she can sort herself out this year. DB can stock up her freezer before he goes on holiday…

She might be your mum but she chooses to behave like that, and actions have consequences.

Romeiswheretheheartis · 29/12/2023 10:55

He'd just say how unbearably hot he is and turn it off. He justifies it by saying about the rise in energy costs🤷🏼

And you then say how unbearably cold you and your dd are and turn it back on again. I bet your GP would advise you to keep your house warm if they knew, rather than giving out cream for your dd's toes which isn't going to help if they're blue with cold.

Notthatcatagain · 29/12/2023 10:57

I remember being 12 and having chilblains, it was horrible. The doctor gave my mum cream for me too. They still hurt every day. The difference being that it was 1960 and my mum didn't have the option of having a warm house. Remembering how miserable it was would make me fight for my child and would be a hill to die on

kingtamponthefurred · 29/12/2023 10:58

Kdub · 29/12/2023 05:45

Well if she says she isn't doing it again that's your problem solved but I do get why you don't want to leave her by herself. Would it be easier if she came to you and stayed over?

Edited

Wouldn't that be much worse?

Katy123g · 29/12/2023 11:05

OP I know you've said you've not come on to talk about your DH, but honestly I couldn't just ignore this.

He does not have you over a barrel because he earns more. Is that what he tells you? That's abuse. Plain and simple.

What would he do if you put the heating on when he was in the house? Reading between the lines it sounds like you are worried about what his reaction would be. This is not OK.

Your poor daughter suffering. What does he say about that? That it's causing her pain?

Honestly I'm so shocked that you just casually put the heating bit in there as if it was normal. It's not OP.

whatsthpoint · 29/12/2023 11:15

Yet another Aibu where op is an idiot/martyr/ attention seeker. Why bother.

Fannyfiggs · 29/12/2023 11:16

Your daughter's toes are blue with the cold?? Nah, that's not on OP. That's a miserable existence for your poor girl who has no choice in the matter. But you do.

For Christmas next year, I'd be in my own place, with my DC, who would have toasty warm toes and I'd be celebrating without 'D'P or 'D'M.

I don't think I'd forgive my mother if she ever put a man before me when I was a child.

widowtwankywashroom · 29/12/2023 11:27

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 08:14

He does have me over a barrel as he earns more so he pays more towards bills. My 12 year old daughters toes go blue and itch (doctor gives me cream) but it's obviously to do with the cold, he knows this but tells her to put socks on with her slippers. He's just like his own control freak father who would buy a brand new car every 3 years but let his son stink as noone bought him a can of deodorant🤦

Show quote history

You are enabling the physical abuse of your child under your eyes!
Read that back again , you, are enabling abuse of your child

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 12:04

Nicole1111 · 29/12/2023 09:48

So his comfort comes above the comfort of your child? I can’t say i’m surprised if your mum (however challenging she is) doesn’t like him if that’s reflective of how he behaves. Have you shown him the guidance about how homes should be heated for children?

Show quote history

Don't think showing him anything would cut any ice with him I'm afraid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 12:07

Growlybear83 · 29/12/2023 10:10

Are you sure your Mum isn't feeling like this because of the cooking arrangements? No matter how well meaning, I would hate it if my daughter bought all the food for Christmas Day, and then took over my kitchen to cook it.

Don't think so because as I said couple of pages back she's quite lazy and expects to be waited on. Think if I plonked it all down and said away you go, she'd pass out.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 29/12/2023 12:11

Yeah your mum sounds a bit if a pain.

Of course the big problem here is your dp.

Your daughter's cold but you're not allowed to put the heating on?

He's an abusive bully. Have you thought about addressing this real issue first?

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 12:12

DeeLusional · 29/12/2023 10:18

This! Is it his house, is he the only one paying the bills?

Show quote history

I contribute the best I can. It took me having a hissy fit the other night for him to give me some money towards the Xmas food and his mum's present.

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 29/12/2023 12:14

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 12:04

Don't think showing him anything would cut any ice with him I'm afraid.

Show quote history

He doesn’t sound like a good man at all.

widowtwankywashroom · 29/12/2023 12:16

What do you get out of this relationship OP?

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 12:25

widowtwankywashroom · 29/12/2023 12:16

What do you get out of this relationship OP?

Not a lot, I'm on a housing list but I'm not any emergency so the wait could take a while. Moving thread back to op, another reason DM is frustrating is shes not done a days work since 1968, lives in a nice house bought and paid for, has plenty of money, a social life and still moans and groans about her hardships🙄

OP posts:
Xmastime2023 · 29/12/2023 12:35

It sounds like you have a much harder life than her so begrudge her complaints, please do you and your kids a favour this year and split from their controlling father.