Xmas aggro

[Bluebirthdaycard]

gggg😩my 81 year year old mum is impossible to please, nothings ever good enough. On Xmas day myself, dp,ds and DD travelled there and spent the day, stayed over and left boxing day late morning. Unfortunately she and my dp do not get on, so there were some testy moments but no arguments. I've now heard through the grapevine that's she's said she's not doing that again and felt like a stranger in her own home. Bear in mind that I paid for the food, took it there and cooked it and that this crap happens every year with her and my db🙄 swans off🙂on holiday every Xmas leaving me to it. I feel like I have to do this as she has no other family but when I hear she's saying these things I really couldn't care less anymore. Sorry about random emojis, I'm having problems typing and I can only do it if I put in an emoji first.

Thank you for your comment, some good ideas, dps mum is also a widow but thankfully most years she goes to Ireland and spends it with her dd, so at least that's not a worry. DM and mil don't like each other either (surprise!). Mother's day with them sat opposite each other (bad move) was so full of awkwardness my bum was twitching!😬

Your controlling DP is a bigger problem than your mum. He’s got you over a barrel? This isn’t right in a relationship OP.

I know, I do feel bad for her, I put the heating on when he's not there.

That's a disturbing set up, got you over a barrel cos he earns more? Does he earn more AND do all the childcare, housework, mental load while you just work a few hours or is he actually very controlling and selfish?

Could we be spotting why your DM doesn't like him?

Yes! All these comments about having to have heating are weird and judgemental - not everyone can afford heating, we don’t even have heating so couldn’t put it on if we wanted to.
We all manage just fine without it, and anyone who comes to visit has to manage too!

A few suggestions.

Get a ringtone that lets you know mums calling, preferably a funny one, maybe a witches cackle. And go grey rock on her. Ditto the brother. Speak to them when it suits you not them.

Get a heated throw for your daughter and heated slippers. I sometimes wear two pairs of socks under my slippers being a cold feet oddity.

Go to Ireland next Christmas and spend time with his Mam.

Apart from the argument years ago which she still holds a grudge over or just bad chemistry I don't really know why she dislikes him so much. I don't speak to her about any private problems between myself and dp so it's not that, have no clue🤷🏼

You don't always have to specifically tell people your partner is a controlling dickhead. Often they can tell.

He's got you over a barrel??

Does your mother have a point as to why they don't get on?

He's not your boss.

Turn the bloody heating on

Ever thought of leaving him?

Do you both own your house or do you rent?

I would have thought that it was pretty obvious that he's controlling.

I wouldn't like him either

Effectively you are choosing your partner over your daughter and her well-being.

Don't make excuses for him.

It's not fine if her daughter has blue toes. Do you really not use any heating? Not even fires?

OP, if you have children and you being part-time has helped with childcare, you have contributed just as equally to the household. Stop thinking you are lesser somehow. Can you maybe increase your hours and just put the bloody heating on? If you can’t because of children then that’s your answer. If he had to pay his share for childcare all these years he would have earned much less. Not having a go at you but it’s a shame to hear you talk like you’re hard up when you are part of a household. He’s taking the mick.

Your mum sounds a piece of work too. I’d say to her now that you heard what she said and you’re happy for you both to do your own thing next year, you’ll stay home. As you say she won’t be happy regardless. So just do what makes you happy next year.

It sounds like your mum has been emotionally abusive to you and I suspect that it has made you susceptible to abuse from a partner too. If it’s affecting your daughter’s health why can’t you stand up to him? This is not vitriol towards you this is a genuine question about what type of life you want for you and your family.

Christmas aside I came in to chime in about my horror that a) he doesn't allow heaing on b) you have children in that cold house and c)you actually think this is unavoidable because you work part time so earn less.

Where has this belief come from? Aren't you two an equal partnership, collaborating in a home and a family rather than business partners? You make it sound like he's the bigger shareholder of a company so has control over it. His money is your money and vice versa, do you work part time to do childcare as this is even more heinous on his behalf if so?

It is so unhealthy not to heat the home, yeah cost of living situation is shit and I'm feeling the pinch myself in an old stone house needing heating on tons to avoid damp- but warmth, food and shelter are the three necessities that can't be compromised on. Not saying heating needs to be on all the time but the house should be warm, there are so many health issues from cold living environments.

‘Unfortunately a lot of old people get bitter like this, so I would do what suits you.’

unfortunately a lot of younger people love to make sweeping ageist remarks 🙄

From what you've said you'd get grief whatever you do so just do what you want to do, rather than what you feel you ought to do.

So his comfort comes above the comfort of your child? I can’t say i’m surprised if your mum (however challenging she is) doesn’t like him if that’s reflective of how he behaves. Have you shown him the guidance about how homes should be heated for children?

Reading your posts responding to suggestions, it seems absolutely nothing you could do would please her. Therefore I would forget it and just please yourself, dp and dc and do exactly what you want next year. Don’t let the guilt of failing to please a curmudgeonly woman ruin your life.

@Bluebirthdaycard why the hell are you cowtowing to an unappreciative mother like that??? I would not be visiting for christmas or having her at mine. Your brother obviously feels like he does enough if he lives with her. I would leave her to stew on her own and have a lazy christmas with your partner and your children. your family also need a break from her at christmas! she might realise how awful she is to be around!

Nice lazy Christmas in a freezing cold house.

At least she's warm at her mum's!

Don't tiptoe around this - tell her what you've heard. Confront her with it calmly and ask her for an explanation (if she denies it, ask her why xyz would tell lies).

Next year, I think I'd have other plans at Christmas.

it would be helpful if you learned some self assertiveness. both your dp and dm are treating you very badly. I think you should look for external support, counselling or personal development classes, then figure out how to change things. No one has you over a barrel, you just think they do

Are you sure your Mum isn't feeling like this because of the cooking arrangements? No matter how well meaning, I would hate it if my daughter bought all the food for Christmas Day, and then took over my kitchen to cook it.