Xmas aggro

[Bluebirthdaycard]

gggg😩my 81 year year old mum is impossible to please, nothings ever good enough. On Xmas day myself, dp,ds and DD travelled there and spent the day, stayed over and left boxing day late morning. Unfortunately she and my dp do not get on, so there were some testy moments but no arguments. I've now heard through the grapevine that's she's said she's not doing that again and felt like a stranger in her own home. Bear in mind that I paid for the food, took it there and cooked it and that this crap happens every year with her and my db🙄 swans off🙂on holiday every Xmas leaving me to it. I feel like I have to do this as she has no other family but when I hear she's saying these things I really couldn't care less anymore. Sorry about random emojis, I'm having problems typing and I can only do it if I put in an emoji first.

Op I know this thread is about your mum but again that last post is just snide comment about how she is, is side stepping your basically married/partner the male version of your mum.

moan moan moan my way my way. That’s your partner and your mum.

OP, leave and take your DD with you. Put her above this man in your priorities.

So far I've seen:

• he has me over a barrel
• he'd talk about how HE feels with the temp
• you had to have a hissy fit to get money for HIS mother's Christmas present
• he's like his own controlling father

So you know it. You know he's controlling and abusive. And you're keeping your daughter in that environment. Save her, if you won't save yourself.

Sorry OP but your home life is a far more pressing issue than your cantankerous DM.

Last year I was very worried about the rising energy costs and didn't put the heating on at all. Money was tight and I was stupidly anxious about the quarterly bill.

I layered up with thermals, thick pyjamas and a hooded dressing gown, a heated throw and a hot water bottle sometimes as well. I thought it was fine. I didn't 'feel' cold. What I didn't realise was that my core was warm, but my hands and feet were not.

Just one instance of getting in a hot bath not realising just how cold my extremities were, and I gave myself chilblains. Which is what your daughter seems to have.

The thing that sticks with me is it took seconds to 'get' chilblains from the bath. But I remember sitting in March trying to work, and my hands and feet were so itchy I couldn't concentrate. I had to go to the pharmacy and get some cream to help the itching, and it still took weeks to get rid of completely.

Now mine was stupid and self inflicted. Your partner has done this to your daughter, which is far worse!

Please, please look after your daughter. At the very least ensure her hands and feet are kept warm (gradually warm them up), and keep up the cream as she already seems to have chilblains. This is neglect, by both you and your partner. If school hear that she has chilblains and she mentions it's because your partner won't allow the heating on, you could be in a lot of trouble.

I hear you, I'm trying to help us but I can't afford to rent privately and provide for 2 dependants on my own, even if I worked full time which is why I've gone onto the social housing list.

Very true

Speak to your family. Your mum doesn't sound much better but at least she'd let your DD be warm. Or your brother. Or any of them. Just remove her from that environment.

Or speak to the council and tell them you've split with DP and now you and DC are homeless. That'll move you up.

You shouldn't have to if you apply for child support. Or is he self employed and likely to lie about his income?

Perhaps it's time to contact Women's Aid and get some practical advice on leaving.

Was your earlier thread where you got bashed on AIBU? Try the relationship board for better advice and more compassionate understanding.

Good luck

This in spades he sounds horrible.

Thank you @WingsofRain ! Oodies, heated blankets and throws, hot water bottles! My poor obviously deprived son is as tough as old boots now 😂

The reason DM doesn’t like DP isn’t because she sees he’s unkind to her DD. It’s because he takes up her dd’s time, resources, attention… There are times her DD is unavailable because she’s being a mum and partner, and that’s not acceptable to her DM!

But yes, she will have trained you in the art of putting yourself last which leaves you vulnerable to men who aren’t good partners.

This is very true I think. As I put a while back he could be the greatest man on earth and she still wouldn't like him.

Just took DS out in car, when he was waiting outside for me to get keys he said "why is it colder in the house than it is out here?"😬

Oh dear!
Get over Christmas, then have a come to Jesus with him. There are some things that need to change.

I get that some women are in abusive relationships.

But intentionally staying in a relationship where your child's toes are blue and you're other child makes comments about how cold your house is, makes me quite angry.

If you have children, you have a responsibility to take care of their very basic needs, including keeping them warm and safe. You either need to have the strength to stand up to your partner and insist the house is kept at a safe and comfortable temperature for the children or you need to leave and take them somewhere (even a refuge) where they will not be ill.

Your partner is failing in his duties as a parent. You now have a choice to step up or fail them too.

They deserve better.

I don't even know why you would share this with us. You're just adding things to the list for people to start talking about.

Book a holiday for next Xmas NOW and let your brother know it's HIS TURN!

I think the time has come to stop replying. I didn't start this thread to start on about DPS faults. I'm going to speak to my DM about Xmas and with regards to dp....I know what I need to do and hope to god something comes up next year. I've taken the comments on board even the ones who are suggesting I'm complicit in the abuse of my dcs which is quite hurtful as I adore my children and they're the only thing that keeps me here, otherwise I'd been gone a long time ago. Thank you to who took the time to comment.

No, we don’t have a fire.

Please don’t think like that, sometimes it’s easier for people to say very blunt things when they’re not in a situation that they have little power over, they can’t really emphasise. Don’t take it as judgment on you, you sound like you’re doing your best in tricky circumstances. And I totally get the mother thing, mine is a prize narcissist, and I haven’t seen her in 10 years as thank god I was strong enough to walk away and stay away. I hope you find solutions, I know it’s not as easily said as done x

You say ‘I’ve now heard through the grapevine’ - how exactly did you hear?

I'm in the US but refusing to provide heat in the home of children would be considered child abuse. And you are complicit in the abuse.

Frankly you need to firstly get out of the abusive relationship with that idiot you call a husband. Before social services get involved and they will. When the doctor realises her condition is cold related and not getting better. Or when your kids tell a teacher how cold it is at home. Trust me I've been in far too many abusive controlling relationships and it's not helping your kids at all or you. You may see your mum as the enemy right now and she may have her faults. Mine does too but maybe she is genuinely upset at the way your DH is going on opposed to you but has grown up Ian A period where she's not expected to interfere too much. For a mother to witness such controlling behaviour against the person she give birth too is hard. Especially when there are kids involved. It sounds like you need to make a break for your kids sake. Move them out apply to become the custodial parent before he attempts it citing the reasons then when it comes to Christmas as your mum genuinely what she wants. You may find the absence of a control freak is the only change that is needed here. Letting your children freeze is child abuse. How long before he controls what food is brought in, when they can go out, where they can go, who they can talk too or worse. Trust me with Control Freaks this is always just a start the more they are allowed to control the more they will. Get out for them kids sake because a social worker will not see you as the caring parent if they have to get involved they'll see you as an enabler of that abuse.

Oh, OP, I’m so sorry you feel got at on this thread. I can see why — but I think a lot of it is people genuinely feeling your DM isn’t your only problem. You sound lovely, really lovely, but it does seem as though you have two very controlling people in your life, both of whom only care about themselves. Please try to think about yourself in all of this. X

Hi OP i am really hoping that next year you and the children have a quiet day at home all together and happy. That your DP is not around and that your mum is fending for herself. You deserve to put yourself and your children first not the other adults. Be kind to yourself.

It sounds to me that you may be stuck in a toxic relationship, OP; I know because I was too, for 10 years. He doesn’t care even about his own daughter practically getting frostbite? Your post may be about your Mother but clearly your life with your partner is difficult too. I could write more but all I will add is, contact an organisation that helps people in abusive relationships. They can listen and help you do something about your situation, if the heating isn’t the only controlling situation in your relationship.