Xmas aggro

[Bluebirthdaycard]

gggg😩my 81 year year old mum is impossible to please, nothings ever good enough. On Xmas day myself, dp,ds and DD travelled there and spent the day, stayed over and left boxing day late morning. Unfortunately she and my dp do not get on, so there were some testy moments but no arguments. I've now heard through the grapevine that's she's said she's not doing that again and felt like a stranger in her own home. Bear in mind that I paid for the food, took it there and cooked it and that this crap happens every year with her and my db🙄 swans off🙂on holiday every Xmas leaving me to it. I feel like I have to do this as she has no other family but when I hear she's saying these things I really couldn't care less anymore. Sorry about random emojis, I'm having problems typing and I can only do it if I put in an emoji first.

OP, he does not have you over a barrel. You contribute financially to the household, live there, are his wife, are the mother of his children, are another human being. Turn the heating on and tell him to stop being a [insert expletive of choice].

There's a recent thread about someone having to spend Christmas in their own home with people they don't get on with - and pretty much everyone was saying cancel the invitation (but they wouldn't).

I am with your mother here, honestly. I wouldn't want someone I don't get on with to come and spend Christmas Day with me in my home.

I think it's good that you've heard what she has been saying. Now you can have a conversation - tell her that you are sorry she felt that way. That obviously you are going to spend Christmas with your partner, so would she rather you didn't spend Christmas together next year?

If someone is going to be miserable, make sure it's not you.

it sounds horrible, OP, i sympathise.

But you have to decide what is worse, getting the grief about not doing it again or doing it again. If she and your DH always rub each other up the wrong way, it's predestined to happen, especially at Christmas. So in your shoes I'd get it over with now and say that you are doing Christmas at home with only your DH and DCs for company. Remind them in summer, and again closer to Christmas.

Regarding financial contributions: have you ever actually asked? IME some people rarely offer, but if asked they're happy to contribute. Others not so much. I wouldn't use this as a reason for not doing christmas with your mum, unless really really pressed. Just say you want to focus on a relaxing time for all, and that includes your mum, which means it's better to celebrate separately. And maybe a call or video call on the day?

So let her moan. Water off a ducks back. Perhaps her kids both going away from her for Xmas will give her a wake up call & help ger self reflect . Well I suspect not she sounds like a narcissist. You can still be civil though whilst firmly protecting yourself from her BS.

He'd just say how unbearably hot he is and turn it off. He justifies it by saying about the rise in energy costs🤷🏼

More or less than the grief you get if you host her/cook at hers? Drop the chain, let your brother sort it out.

I like the way this poster put it:
I would tell her calmly that you have heard about what she said and sorry it felt that way for her. But not to worry- your family have decided to go away for Christmas next year so she should make plans with your brother instead

How can she possibly give you grief when you're taking her fedback on board? If she mentions it just smile sweetly and remind her she didn't want to do it again.

Do you and your DP not have shared finances? Uou said YOU are hard up.

You should definitely have asked her for a financial contribution (petrol, food) .

You need to switch the heating on.

He does have me over a barrel as he earns more so he pays more towards bills. My 12 year old daughters toes go blue and itch (doctor gives me cream) but it's obviously to do with the cold, he knows this but tells her to put socks on with her slippers. He's just like his own control freak father who would buy a brand new car every 3 years but let his son stink as noone bought him a can of deodorant🤦

Bless you OP, I know exactly how you feel. DM comes here. It’s a big undertaking, everything is planned around her. Travel, timings, what we do. We are desperate to watch the dr who special and a couple of other things but there’s no point- she’ll snore or talk through it, grumble about ‘made up imagination nonsense’, an wants to talk or snore through variety shows instead.

again, wants the best of everything but no financial contribution.

How is she with your DB? Does he deserve a medal for living with her, or does it actually suit them both very well?

A bit of both, a medal for living with her but it comes very cheap, the last I heard he gives her £15 a week👌

Depends where you are!

Ive has the windows open this past few days and the heating hasn't even kicked in (or I'd shut them!) and house is a comfy 19° inside.

So refusing to put heating on might be refusing to have a hot house?!

We have a joint account - I put X amount in and he puts X amount in every month, the rest is our own.

Her daughter's toes turn blue so no, it isn't that.

OP you are in a mire of disfunctional relationships. You can't unpick all this yourself, but I'd start with asking if your partner is your husband, if you own or rent your house and is he the father of your kids?

Agree. I hadn't read that bit at the time. If it's freezing then no, it's not ok here gets to decide because he earns more.

My parents both had different views over the heating and I don't think that's uncommon. But it was never freezing. My dad just didn't feel the cold as much as us. We would put on socks and jumper. But it was never below 18°!

I don't want to sound rude but I'd rather not answer this question as this isn't what the thread is about. I did start a thread regarding dps views on money, work, childcare etc a while back and some of the vitriol I received you'd think I was a serial killer, so I don't want to go down that road again. Thank you for your concern though!😊

So I’m reluctant to start on the DP situation.

You need to do a bit of work there, but it’s a separate conversation from the DM thing.

My DH deserves a medal for putting up with DM. When you’ve got Christmas resolved to your liking, have a think about how you can resolve things at home.

Back to Christmas, don’t bother raising it now. Warn your brother, maybe.

Say to your mum in November ish-
About Christmas- I know you don’t like us coming to you, or when you come to us, so we’ll do something a bit different this year. The kids and I will pop over for the afternoon, bringing you your Christmas dinner.

It’s not ideal but you’ll probably prefer it to the other plans. And- it won’t be many years! She’ll grumble whatever you do.

Does DP have a family you need to fit in as well?

Oops, cross posted

So don't be a pushover. Just keep reminding her that she said she didn't want to do it again and you gave her a years notice.

Definitely just go for lunch. One of you can have a soft drink and drive home. You could be with her from maybe 11 til 4 and then go home.

You could even book Christmas lunch out so nobody has to cook in her house.

There's a podcast you might find helpful called In Sight - exposing narcissism
Also therapy in the new year to extricate yourself from these toxic relationships

There's no need to tell your mum now that you won't be doing next Christmas. She is 81 and frankly every Christmas is a bonus at that age so you don't need to create a year of bad feeling. Anyway she said she won't be doing it again next year so problem might be solved.

Can't you take the kids to see her instead of subjecting her to your DP (who sounds absolutely awful) for two days. Or just go for Christmas for a few hours and don't have a drink so you can drive home. You can drink when you get home.

BA flights are already bookable for 16 Dec 2024 - just go ANYwhere. Or pre-book a (limited space) Cornish cottage. With central heating!

You've got more problems at home than with your mother.

Your friend said it's freezing in your house and your daughter's toes go blue?

Your so called DP is a controlling abusive knob over the heating. I wouldn't put up with that.

Your poor child.