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Original poster

Xmas aggro

165 replies

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 05:39

gggg😩my 81 year year old mum is impossible to please, nothings ever good enough. On Xmas day myself, dp,ds and DD travelled there and spent the day, stayed over and left boxing day late morning. Unfortunately she and my dp do not get on, so there were some testy moments but no arguments. I've now heard through the grapevine that's she's said she's not doing that again and felt like a stranger in her own home. Bear in mind that I paid for the food, took it there and cooked it and that this crap happens every year with her and my db🙄 swans off🙂on holiday every Xmas leaving me to it. I feel like I have to do this as she has no other family but when I hear she's saying these things I really couldn't care less anymore. Sorry about random emojis, I'm having problems typing and I can only do it if I put in an emoji first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 06:40

ToriTheStoryteller · 29/12/2023 06:36

Sounds like she has good reason not to get on with your DH.

Had a crappy wood burner put in which just about heats the living room but nowhere else. As he works full time and I'm part time and earns more money, he's got me over a barrel.

Edited to add just seen your update about her reaction to child being in the road. So she may be a negative person/have poor judgement BUT that doesn't cancel out the above. * *

Edited

Oh no, he could make me the happiest woman in the world and she still wouldn't like him. Everything's about her you see.

OP posts:
ToriTheStoryteller · 29/12/2023 06:41

Why isn't there reasoning? Are you staff? Trafficked slave?

It's your home, you have a child. Living in cold and damp conditions are extremely detrimental to health. Who earns the most is irrelevant.

BonnieIou · 29/12/2023 06:44

So you don't let her watch her soaps at the age of 81 was it? Want money for bringing her to yours, and have the house freezing. Tbh I can see why she doesn't feel welcome and feels like a stranger in her own home....I dont think this is as straight forward as saying she moans about everything. I dont think there's any compromise from your side at all.

ohdamnitjanet · 29/12/2023 06:49

LonelynSad · 29/12/2023 06:17

Hang on, your partner is refusing to put heating on? That's not ok..

I don’t put my heating on. Can’t afford to. It’s fine.

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 06:53

BonnieIou · 29/12/2023 06:44

So you don't let her watch her soaps at the age of 81 was it? Want money for bringing her to yours, and have the house freezing. Tbh I can see why she doesn't feel welcome and feels like a stranger in her own home....I dont think this is as straight forward as saying she moans about everything. I dont think there's any compromise from your side at all.

I never said I didn't let her watch them, she did. The heating is not my issue, I want the heating on and I don't think it's unreasonable for someone who has thousands at their disposal to at least offer a tenner towards petrol costs. And yes she does have thousands as she took great pleasure in wafting her bank balance in front of my face a few months back. If I was uncompromising I wouldn't even bother.

OP posts:
Willmafrockfit · 29/12/2023 06:53

where did you hear this?
i would raise it with her
suggest to your db you cant have her and wont go to her next christmas

Newchapterbeckons · 29/12/2023 06:54

Your dp sounds very controlling.

You should put the heating on if you want to. My feeling is your mother can’t stand your dp with good reason, because he is awful.

Yes she is cranky and set in her ways but she has the measure of him alright.

electriclight · 29/12/2023 06:55

You have heard 'on the grapevine' that she felt like a stranger in her own home and won't be doing that again.

Firstly, who is she confiding in? Because she can't trust them not to cause trouble by telling you. You might also want to consider whether someone telling you this is a reliable source. Might they be making it sound worse than it was?

Secondly, your mum and dp don't get on. I'm sure he moans about her to someone, probably you. Isn't she allowed to have a grumble about him? Feels like double standards. As an aside, the heating thing alone makes him sound like a dick so I can't help siding with your mum a bit.

Either way - she's said she's not hosting next year so surely that is your problem solved?

If it was my mum I'd be having a kind word along the lines of 'X told me you didn't enjoy Xmas this year mum. It hurt my feelings because I really tried to make it nice. If you don't enjoy spending it with us, what are you planning to do next year?'

A conversation would be better than blindly believing hearsay, making assumptions, jumping to conclusions.

SquishyGloopyBum · 29/12/2023 06:55

You say DP, you aren't married? Go back to work full time. He can pay for childcare.

And just put the heating on.

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 06:56

Willmafrockfit · 29/12/2023 06:53

where did you hear this?
i would raise it with her
suggest to your db you cant have her and wont go to her next christmas

She told my friend who I saw yesterday and she has known her for years and knows what she's like.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 07:01

Newchapterbeckons · 29/12/2023 06:54

Your dp sounds very controlling.

You should put the heating on if you want to. My feeling is your mother can’t stand your dp with good reason, because he is awful.

Yes she is cranky and set in her ways but she has the measure of him alright.

You're probably right, neither of them are any picnic but maybe I'm not either. I try to please everyone...I can't expect my dp to stay at home and not be with his kids on Xmas day but feel bad about my mum being on her own. I'm always stuck in the middle and it's very difficult.

OP posts:
BonnieIou · 29/12/2023 07:02

You say the heating is not your problem but yeah it is. Your DP is your problem.

Newchapterbeckons · 29/12/2023 07:03

It sounds really difficult.
Pleasing everyone else all of the time.

What do you want to do?
It’s not your job to please everyone else constantly. When do your needs get met?

It seems everyone but you is considered.

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 07:08

Newchapterbeckons · 29/12/2023 07:03

It sounds really difficult.
Pleasing everyone else all of the time.

What do you want to do?
It’s not your job to please everyone else constantly. When do your needs get met?

It seems everyone but you is considered.

I'd like to stay at home, my conscience won't allow it though!😉

OP posts:
NotFastButFurious · 29/12/2023 07:08

I hear you, I’ve just done nearly a week with my parents and don’t know how I haven’t murdered at least one of them! Nothing is ever right with my mum…..what I eat, what I wear, I even had a shower at the wrong time of day and went for a run in a top that was “a bit bright”…..it was a plain red running T-shirt ffs!!

AGoingConcern · 29/12/2023 07:09

Is your mother cognitively impaired?

Unless she's incapable of controlling her words or behavior, you absolutely do not need to be subjecting yourself or your family to her if she can't be pleasant and appreciative, especially on Christmas. She's a grown woman and accountable for her own actions and words.

Let her and your DB know that you'll be planning your family's Christmas at home (or on holiday or wherever) next year and why. Start setting and sticking to boundaries for other visits, calls, etc. For example, "I'm not going to stay if you continue to make comments about X" and then if she does it again you get up and leave right then (or hang up the phone).

user1492757084 · 29/12/2023 07:11

Plan for no one to stay over.
Your db will be away always as he has to live with M all year.
Your mother will always goan. Tell her you heard she did not wish to have Xmas again and give her options.
Give your mother a choice of..
..having Xmas by herself or going out by herself
..eating out at a local restauant with you and your family
..having you arrive on Xmas Day and cooking and leaving
..being picked up on Xmas Day by you and having Xmas with you all then being driven home by you while Dh cleans up

Remind all of the choice committed to from time to time and you will need to turn on the heating for a few days.. and save extra for fuel in the Xmas budget.

Unicorntastic · 29/12/2023 07:12

Start doing what you want, not what your DM or DP want. Your DM can get a taxi to yours or see her for less time and your DP needs to put the heating on, especially with a child in the house!

Greenpolkadot · 29/12/2023 07:12

Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 05:39

gggg😩my 81 year year old mum is impossible to please, nothings ever good enough. On Xmas day myself, dp,ds and DD travelled there and spent the day, stayed over and left boxing day late morning. Unfortunately she and my dp do not get on, so there were some testy moments but no arguments. I've now heard through the grapevine that's she's said she's not doing that again and felt like a stranger in her own home. Bear in mind that I paid for the food, took it there and cooked it and that this crap happens every year with her and my db🙄 swans off🙂on holiday every Xmas leaving me to it. I feel like I have to do this as she has no other family but when I hear she's saying these things I really couldn't care less anymore. Sorry about random emojis, I'm having problems typing and I can only do it if I put in an emoji first.

Whos told you that she said this as youv no other family and your dB is away ?
Maybe they'd like to look after her instead next year

Newchapterbeckons · 29/12/2023 07:16

So next year - you stay at home.
DM can stay with you or at a nearby hotel. Dp can collect her and you can drop her home on Boxing Day. Dp can go out for a walk or play with dc.

Conpromise with one hour only of soaps. Or give her a lap top and headphones. Go out for Christmas lunch so the work is minimal..

Ifeelsolow247 · 29/12/2023 07:23

I agree with maybe it would be a good idea to go out for Christmas lunch next year.
Less pressure on all of you then.
It might also calm the atmosphere.

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 07:28

Greenpolkadot · 29/12/2023 07:12

Whos told you that she said this as youv no other family and your dB is away ?
Maybe they'd like to look after her instead next year

Show quote history

My friend told me, who ironically did look after her last year with myself and won't be doing it again.

OP posts:
MoleseyMom · 29/12/2023 07:40

Could you see her on Xmas Eve or Boxing Day instead, just for the day? Then you get Xmas day with your own family. She sounds a challenge but I understand the feeling of responsibility and not wanting to leave her on her own.

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 29/12/2023 07:47

MoleseyMom · 29/12/2023 07:40

Could you see her on Xmas Eve or Boxing Day instead, just for the day? Then you get Xmas day with your own family. She sounds a challenge but I understand the feeling of responsibility and not wanting to leave her on her own.

It's possible but it still won't be good enough. Also, I work in a supermarket so don't know what my days will be next year, I got lucky this year but maybe not next year, putting my hols in on the 1st!👌

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 29/12/2023 07:57

It’s very concerning that you live in a house with children and it’s cold enough for your friend to comment on it being freezing. Not allowing you to heat your home is abusive. Has your partner always been so controlling? How on Earth can he justify that decision? What happens if you just put the heating on?