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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Bye bye bigot MIL

559 replies

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 03:44

My MIL has always had questionable views on things but I’ve always for the most part not engaged with her as she is the kind of idiot it’s impossible to reason with.

now I have a DS (10 months) .On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

she then proceeded to tell me I read “ too much science ” when raising my son and her way (the old fashioned way) is the only way.To which my mother replied current guidelines are based on research to reduce SIDS so cannot be a bad thing.

I guess my point here is.Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?Husband says he supports cutting down contact if she says things like this around him when he is older but obviously cannot completely disown his mum.In an ideal world,I would never mix with someone so ridiculous so at a loss as to how to handle it.She is also very angry she will not be assisting me with childcare when I return to work .Obviously all of the above is the reason why.Should I get DH to explain this to her?

OP posts:
FiveShelties · 29/12/2023 03:49

What do you mean 'she is from the boomer generation but still'?

Trulywonderful · 29/12/2023 04:00

Yes I think he needs to have a conversation with his mother. Tell her that this behaviour isn't acceptable if she wants to still spend time with her grandchild etc

I don't think he will change her views because she sounds like she has a lot of iffy views and this isn't just a dodgy opinion that could be successfully challenged and changed. I would just tell her she needs to keep these opinions to herself or her access to your family unit will be restricted.

Was she drinking when she came out with all this stuff? Does he need to tell her not to drink to much when with you guys, so as not not be so loose tongued? I know she shouldn't think the way she does but like I said I doubt that can be changed very easily at her age. The main thing to start with is your child, parents and yourself don't have to put up with this behaviour.

SeatonCarew · 29/12/2023 04:00

FiveShelties · 29/12/2023 03:49

What do you mean 'she is from the boomer generation but still'?

Exactly. What do you mean OP?

MockneyReject · 29/12/2023 04:01

FiveShelties · 29/12/2023 03:49

What do you mean 'she is from the boomer generation but still'?

Presumably, OP means that she understands that they grew up at a time when such attitudes were acceptable, so has previously given some leeway because of that?

user1492757084 · 29/12/2023 04:05

At least she expresses herself, is totally up front and you know where she stands on issues.
You are not using her for child care so no worries there.
You will be fine coping with social occasions.

She is your child's grandmother and will bring some positives from being in the boomer generation.
My older cousins are boomers and have a very strong work ethic, a strong saving ethic, are secure financially, are responsible for many innovative advances in industry, have a DIY attitude to car maintenence, building repairs, gardening, recycling etc They are well travelled and great at complex card games, have set up charities, are generous to local committees etc. They educated their kids well, pay tax, support their churches and parks.

We all take advantage of their old fashioned ways though do not have to agree with all of their opinions.

Be yourself but be polite.

Mylovelycow · 29/12/2023 04:08

MockneyReject · 29/12/2023 04:01

Presumably, OP means that she understands that they grew up at a time when such attitudes were acceptable, so has previously given some leeway because of that?

Sorry but no, some of my siblings are boomers so I grew up in their shadow: racism, anti-feminism and science-denying were not acceptable.
It's bigoted to confuse stupidity with age.
OP has a MIL problem, not a generational problem.

FiveShelties · 29/12/2023 04:10

MockneyReject · 29/12/2023 04:01

Presumably, OP means that she understands that they grew up at a time when such attitudes were acceptable, so has previously given some leeway because of that?

I would not give anyone leeway for being a racist bigot no matter when they were born.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2023 04:10

You met, dated, married and got pregnant with a man whose mother was like this. Now you want to cut her out. Now there's a baby who won't get a grandmother.

IME you marry a family as well as a man. She got an ageist DIL, you got a racist MIL. No one won the lottery. Have good boundaries, parent your own way, but this is your DH's mum and your child's GM. You chose him with his family.

user1492757084 · 29/12/2023 04:10

Kids are not stupid. Your kids will disagree with Granny's outlandish views if they are logically no longer correct.

Your kids have you teaching them other opinions for many more hours than they spend with Granny.

Your kids will welcome Granny adoring them though regardless of how eccentric and non politically sensitive Granny seems.

Bestyearever2024 · 29/12/2023 04:12

FiveShelties · 29/12/2023 04:10

I would not give anyone leeway for being a racist bigot no matter when they were born.

I agree

I also wouldn't judge someone based on their year of birth. Not all ""boomers"" are the same 🤣

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 04:13

Worst thing is,she doesn’t drink.I don’t really want my son to miss out on any grandparent so hopefully she can just keep it to herself!

OP posts:
GramCracker · 29/12/2023 04:15

You hit a nerve with the 'boomer' comment OP which has ruffled a few feathers. Ignore the defensive comments and the many mentions of 'granny' rather than 'mil'.

Children do need their family, but not those who are saying hateful, unacceptable things.

AngelAurora · 29/12/2023 04:15

She is your husbands mother and your child's Grandmother, odd how how you seem to be looking for a fight to use against days after the issue has passed.

Honeychickpea · 29/12/2023 04:15

That is fine, just ask her to cut you, your partner an your children out of her will and go NC. I am sure the boomer will do very well without you.

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 04:15

Oh sorry that was not meant to be offence ! I mean her generation had a completely different set of parenting guidelines so I can see how she struggles watching the things we do

OP posts:
222333Annie · 29/12/2023 04:16

It’s not just passed she’s always quite nasty to all of us but I got on with it for my husband but if this stuff upsets my son I wouldn’t like it

OP posts:
Honeychickpea · 29/12/2023 04:18

FiveShelties · 29/12/2023 03:49

What do you mean 'she is from the boomer generation but still'?

I assume she means she expects to inherit.

FiveShelties · 29/12/2023 04:18

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 04:13

Worst thing is,she doesn’t drink.I don’t really want my son to miss out on any grandparent so hopefully she can just keep it to herself!

Sorry I thought your thread was serious, but now I see you have a problem with her not drinking. Good effort though!

Does she have a pet shark?

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 04:19

I don’t really care I meant in term of her generation ‘boomers’ parented differently so sometimes I feel bad getting annoyed at her as it probs all seems quite alien to her

OP posts:
222333Annie · 29/12/2023 04:20

Well her generation parented very differently for example she weaned her children at 4 months I didn’t do this until a lot later as NHS guidelines have changed she was upset and thought I wasn’t feeding him I can u sees and that is confusing for her as it’s quite different to what she knows.But still should she be this involved ?

OP posts:
GodDammitCecil · 29/12/2023 04:22

FiveShelties · 29/12/2023 04:18

Sorry I thought your thread was serious, but now I see you have a problem with her not drinking. Good effort though!

Does she have a pet shark?

Surely the OP means that at least if she drank, there would be an excuse for her awfulness, but as she doesn’t drink, her awfulness is just inherent?

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 04:22

Yes that is exactly it like certain ways of referring to people have changed and sometimes older people mean no offence they just might not be familiar and that is ok but she’s just kinda mean

OP posts:
222333Annie · 29/12/2023 04:23

yeah because sometimes people drink and might slip up and say things they don’t necessarily mean or should keep to themselves so I would excuse that once and talk to her but this wasn’t the case .

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 29/12/2023 04:24

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 04:15

Oh sorry that was not meant to be offence ! I mean her generation had a completely different set of parenting guidelines so I can see how she struggles watching the things we do

No, we really did not dear.

This is about her as a person, not a generation.

Does your H have similar views seeing he was raised like that or does he manage not to show it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2023 04:25

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 04:22

Yes that is exactly it like certain ways of referring to people have changed and sometimes older people mean no offence they just might not be familiar and that is ok but she’s just kinda mean

The irony...

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