Bye bye bigot MIL

[222333Annie]

My MIL has always had questionable views on things but I’ve always for the most part not engaged with her as she is the kind of idiot it’s impossible to reason with.

now I have a DS (10 months) .On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

she then proceeded to tell me I read “ too much science ” when raising my son and her way (the old fashioned way) is the only way.To which my mother replied current guidelines are based on research to reduce SIDS so cannot be a bad thing.

I guess my point here is.Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?Husband says he supports cutting down contact if she says things like this around him when he is older but obviously cannot completely disown his mum.In an ideal world,I would never mix with someone so ridiculous so at a loss as to how to handle it.She is also very angry she will not be assisting me with childcare when I return to work .Obviously all of the above is the reason why.Should I get DH to explain this to her?

This. ^

Not at all. I’m disgusted by comments made by the MIL. If I were @222333Annie I would be challenging them as her mother did and also telling my husband I expected him to challenge his mother on her offensive views.

Buy still, she’s not here to talk to while the OP is.

Yes. What do you mean? I'm from the 'boomer' generation and even my own parents were not like that.

was with you until the ageist slur

Look, you are lovely and non-racist and all but can you cut the ageism. Kthksbai

@PuttingDownRoots my nieces were very upset and had to be spoken to by my sister .My mum and dad were very upset and confused as they said they hadn’t hear those things since they first came here a very long time ago .Please people don’t try and deny that happened too

This...you do realise that the 'boomer' generation was the generation with hippies, human rights, women's rights, anti apartheid campaigners? A racist is just a plain racist, not because they didn't know better.
at least that generation stood up for what they believed

It was the implication that racism is to be expected from that (my) generation that is the problem. It is not acceptable at that or any other age.

I'm in my 70s and definitely parented differently to how my children do but I learnt pretty quickly to sit back and say nothing unless an opinion was asked and then offered it very lightly. As to offensive views and opinions, my mother held some but we talked her down until she also learnt to say nothing. I'm wondering how the OP's husband managed to resist absorbing his mother's bigotry as he grew up? Presumably his children will do the same if she's called out on it enough. I'm more concerned by the racism displayed to the OPs family and friends - I find that very concerning tbh and would expect her son to have 'a difficult conversation' with her over it.

I don't think I even know where to start with the contradictions in that post.

I would take it for granted that her mil is from a previous generation because that is how it works. No need to mention it really and her views are not due to her age any more than OP's parenting style due to mixed heritage as suggested by mil.

I'm a boomer. Those attitudes were never acceptable, at least not among decent people.

Oh dear @222333Annie.

I am 63. A boomer. I weaned my DC at 12 weeks on the advice of my GP. A little baby rice and puree. My DC had sweets after tea every day and sat on the naughty step.

They are both healthy (29 and 25). They both took Oxbridge Firsts. Neither make ageist comments. DH and I appreciate they are of a different generation and their views about all things are not the same as ours.

Thankfully both dc are polite, respectful, have a brilliant work ethic and near perfect grammar. DIL is the same.

Both DC are pleased to have boomer parents who have supported them and loved them at every turn.

If I am a grandma I shall respect the views of my DC but shall not swallow the science hook line and sinker. My mother and I both remember when health professionals advised babies be put on their tummies to sleep - due to research. That went well.

Good post.

You are just looking for drama

This is a slur on an entire generation of people (and ageist)- as if we are all the same
How old is she?

That's certainly not what I was saying.

What I'm saying is don't cut her any slack on her racist, sexist views just because she is over 60. Her age is not the reason

I would not give anyone leeway for being a racist bigot no matter when they were born.

assuming that someone is a racist bigot because of their age is equally unpleasant and prejudiced.

You bet we are.
Ageist comments from you and the OP are bound to create the reaction you see on this thread.

I would be classed as a boomer, but I am not racist or homophobic. I had DD late in life and am very much aware that guidelines change all the time for babies.

Yes weaning was done from 4 months when DD was a baby, but I don't live under a rock and know that it is from 6 months now. I also know that you no longer make 24 hours earth of bottles up for babies.

I have access to modern technology, including the internet and am not in the dark ages.

She told me how are we going to explain to my son how disgusting gays are

I’m really interested to know how this came up in conversation

IKR? I'm Gen X (but in the oldest age bracket) and my boomer mum was a hippy, Greenham common was a thing, 2nd wave feminism, etc etc

Dismissing that age group as expected to be racist is really horrible. But then, what should i say? expecting millenials to be ageist is ok? It isn't ok to write off a whole generation because of one twat.

And the reason people are digging on the OP is that she was all "oh she's so racist" and it was fine until OP herself did an -ism. One that is widely used and expected to be used on MN. And calling it out brings out the rest of the ageists.

For OP: Tell your husband that at the first sign of racism you will be removing yourself and your child from her presence. All the rest tell her that the knowledge behind child-rearing is the best we know at this time due to science and to butt out.

@222333Annie
It doesn’t sound like your MIL has a difference of opinion about modern parenting as much as she has a problem with adjusting to current societal mores.
There are people I know of my own age (North of 60) who seem to be stuck in the 1970’s and 1980’s, and are incapable of comprehending that Society has moved on from casual racism, lazy stereotypes, homophobic and misogynist rhetoric - unless, of course, they are complaining loudly about “woke” and “cancel” culture (a modernism they’ve embraced with some fervour).
However, there is hope, as these people are in the minority in my age group, and there are ways of pointing out that we have moved onto the 21st Century now, that can make them examine their behaviour!
”We can’t say things like that - Society has moved on, and I don’t want DS to be surrounded by attitudes from the 1970’s, so please think about what you’re saying around him” or similar statement from you, every time she does it, should get the message across eventually.
Good Luck!

@Shadowsindarkplaces again coz I’m tired of saying it I referred to her being boomer in terms of raising children

would have been very different in the 70s hence why I reasoned maybe she doesn’t understand

same. It has never been acceptable in my family and my grandparents lived through the depression and we all lived through Thatcher. Racism and sexism have never been acceptable.

My father has very different views to me, some of which can be considered racist but he's perfectly entitled to hold those views and I don't think it would be respectful or appropriate for me to tell him otherwise.

Instead of calling your MIL out OP (which will result in tension throughout the family), can you try to redirect the conversation? Don't respond to her comments that you disagree with and steer the conversation in another direction. That's what I tend to do and it works:

My Nanna was very bigoted, but she left no one out! She went on about the Irish even though she married the loveliest, quiet (could not get a word in edgeways) Irish man. However she saved most of her spite for (sorry for the word) "darkies". My dad used to shake his head at what she used to say. There was a family down the road from her that painted an oil drum purple and prayed by it. For some reason she was infuriated by this!

She was an angry woman but also very lonely. She did stay with us on holidays but always imagined a 'slight' so would have a 'face' on.

It was weird because although she could be unpleasant, she had a lot of hangers on who leached off her (used to drive my dad to despair!). They were a poor family but these hangers on were always sponging free meals from her.