Bye bye bigot MIL

[222333Annie]

My MIL has always had questionable views on things but I’ve always for the most part not engaged with her as she is the kind of idiot it’s impossible to reason with.

now I have a DS (10 months) .On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

she then proceeded to tell me I read “ too much science ” when raising my son and her way (the old fashioned way) is the only way.To which my mother replied current guidelines are based on research to reduce SIDS so cannot be a bad thing.

I guess my point here is.Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?Husband says he supports cutting down contact if she says things like this around him when he is older but obviously cannot completely disown his mum.In an ideal world,I would never mix with someone so ridiculous so at a loss as to how to handle it.She is also very angry she will not be assisting me with childcare when I return to work .Obviously all of the above is the reason why.Should I get DH to explain this to her?

I am a boomer and did a fine job of raising kids and know that the guidelines have changed (and I’m sure will change again!) and I’m also not a bigot or a racist! Never have been.

I agree she’s just mean but I’ve used her age and her previous parenting experience as a bit of an excuse but it’s really upsetting me like using racists language around my nieces who understand (and I mean a slur not just using language that isn’t politically correct ) I

I use the word Granny and not MIL for the reason of promoting that she is someone special to your child.
She will always be closer to your child than she is to you.

She is Granny.

Grandmothers, from my experience, try their utmost to not seem racist nor negative to their grandchildren. They put much effort into passing on the most generous and kind spirited part of themselves. They try to expose a delightful World. They have patience with tantrums, with teaching skills and crafts and can read when their own children (the parents) have reached cracking point and need a break.

Bigots and nasty people can be of any age. Your Boomer reference is unfair in that respect. I don't witness that age group as being more bigotted than any other.

I’m not sure there is any time when being a racist was acceptable.

At least, unless living south of the Mason-Dixon Line prior to 1865 (and even then, it was only ‘acceptable’ amongst other racists).

I’m pretty sure MIL isn’t that old.

Well like most people on here who talk about MIL she has really upped the anti since I’ve had the baby I didn’t realise she was this bad.She told me how are we going to explain to my son how disgusting gays are and I told her we will certainly not be saying that to him .Im not ageist lol I was simply pointing out her generations parenting standards were not like mine and maybe sometimes she’s not politically correct due to age to make sense of her behaviour. my mum is older than her and completely not like that.Its not ageist it’s ok to point out generational differences.Yall are touchy

They weren’t acceptable then either.

Thank god for people who still feel free enough to speak their mind.

‘Boomer’ is a throwaway ageist remark that’s been around for the last couple of years. People that use it seem to forget that they will be old one day if they are lucky.

My mum would probably be labelled as a ‘boomer’ and she certainly doesn’t hold the same views as OP’s mil 🙄

Ask your DH to always point out exactly the problem with his mother's language and point out that it is unacceptable.

He should appeal to her better judgement and keep educating her; he has nothing to lose.

She got an ageist DIL, you got a racist MIL. No one won the lottery

😂

My parents, their friends and siblings are all of that generation, and I grew up around those attitudes. Casual racism was the norm. 'We' used slurs, daily. I didn't know any different.

I’m not touchy, @222333Annie.
You’re making broad generalisations.
Just like I would be if I said all women your age make broad generalisations.
But I’m not - I’m specifically saying you are.

Yes I am hoping this coz sometimes there is good there but using certain language that you would be prosecuted for using on the street worries me I guess if she is around we will have to do a lot of explaining to our child .I did say in my post we can’t cut her off it would just be distance if she cannot be reasoned with about this issue which I think is fair.

Exactly. I grew up in the 70’s and never thought like this. This attitude was definitely more prevalent then, but was still disgusting. Age has nothing to do with being racist and ignorant. I certainly wouldn’t let my children anywhere near her.

Casual racism was not the norm in my family, or most of my friends families. We did not use slurs daily or ever.

It's so common to have grandparents with old fashioned / traditional / racist / bigoted whatever you want to call them views, that it is almost cliched. She sounds like a caricature.

And families have tolerated them. I know my granny had some very dodgy views, even my dad does. My parents are both homophonic. But I still love them. I just laugh at them or tell them to shut up occasionally. Can you do that? There was a post on here the other day about how common it is for people to go no contact with family members these days and how sad it is as families are breaking down. Like it's become too much of a thing.

You only need to look at a tabloid comment section, under an article about Johnny Depp/Amber Heard, to see how commonplace that view is.
As a child/teen, I would overheard my mum and her friends discussing things. It was always the woman's fault for tempting the poor man. Even when it was his daughter.

lol she has nothing to inherit which makes this even funnier

Lovely.

My parents / their friends / siblings are 1930s/40s born.

It definitely was not the norm.

I grew up in the 80’s and 90’s and I certainly didn’t experience these attitudes. I knew of one or two people who were probably classed as racist but everyone else I knew during that time never used any racial slurs.

I’m not a ‘boomer’. I just hate the phrase. It’s ageist. Racism is unacceptable and so is ageism 🙄

Why not call her out when she says these things OP.
She raised your DH, whom you love despite being brought up in the midst of her views.
She has less contact with your son than she did with your DH, so less chance of your son taking after her.

If you don't correct her/call her out then you're an enabler and as bad as she is.

You should be able to use your words and explain firmly how and why you are not accepting of her 'ways'.

He hates it he gets quite upset.He said she’s been like this his whole life and he’s always felt embarrassed so he never really warned me .He said he didn’t realise how bad it was until he left home .so hopefully my son will make his own mind up but I worry for him feeling bad about being bi racial if she uses those slurs around him .shes already expressed upset about my heritage being an influence in his upbringing .

you might be right but according to oxford dictionary thats a name for certain age range. I did not know it has negative connotations until just now.