Bye bye bigot MIL

[222333Annie]

My MIL has always had questionable views on things but I’ve always for the most part not engaged with her as she is the kind of idiot it’s impossible to reason with.

now I have a DS (10 months) .On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

she then proceeded to tell me I read “ too much science ” when raising my son and her way (the old fashioned way) is the only way.To which my mother replied current guidelines are based on research to reduce SIDS so cannot be a bad thing.

I guess my point here is.Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?Husband says he supports cutting down contact if she says things like this around him when he is older but obviously cannot completely disown his mum.In an ideal world,I would never mix with someone so ridiculous so at a loss as to how to handle it.She is also very angry she will not be assisting me with childcare when I return to work .Obviously all of the above is the reason why.Should I get DH to explain this to her?

I expect that whatever you say about the utter unacceptability of the racism you'll still be deemed part of the boomer cabal - a lazy, sweeping ageist term which MNHQ appears to deem acceptable.

Every time she makes a comment shut her down... loud voice I will not tolerate racism in my house or around my children, be quiet and apologise or Leave!
This is what I did with mine and she has learnt to keep her opinions to herself.

@Celeriacisquitenice

I agree with you. I've even seen on Mumsnet, where racism is generally frowned upon or at least subtle, when there is a thread about Irish Travellers, poster after poster says the most appalling things with very few people challenging them. I believe the life expectancy of Travellers is between 40 and 5 years of age.

And this is not to minimize the racism experienced by other ethnic groups.

@dooneyousmugelf
Give it a bit more thought maybe.

I have told you I won't be engaging with you further, @Celeriacisquitenice. You keep demonstrating that you don't understand the topic at hand so why waste any more time. I'm talking about one thing while you're talking about another thing.

Yes, you’re right. It’s not comparable in a literal sense but sexism and misogyny are horrible too.

I assume OP came on here looking for a practical solution.

Is cutting her out of the family enough? Or would that cause rows with the rest of the family ?

Would warning her that she’s being offensive with the racist comments work?

Maybe combine that with a warning that unless she stops she won’t be welcome in your house work.

You and husband should tell her together.

It’s difficult when you already accepted her as part of your family when you married her son.

Well, stop talking to me if you don't want to engage @dooneyousmugelf.
That's your choice of course.

🤷🏻‍♀️

My gran said all sorts of horrendous things but my cousins and I grew up having the best sleepovers ever at her house. So many wonderful memories. Isn't that part and parcel of life, the clash of the generations?

I think you're being precious and the fact that you'd cut her out of your children's lives is disgusting.

Would you have such nice memories if you were a different race to your grandma and she had used racial slurs about your race? In front of you? Really? Doubt it.

My parents generation would have done that, not mine

My parents were born in the 1920s

A few years ago when Reni Eddo Lodge was trending I would have taken a screenshot of this post just to join in the chorus. This post perfectly encapsulates the need for REL's work. 10/10, no comments.

Glad I'm not part of that then!

Would you have such nice memories if you were a different race to your grandma and she had used racial slurs about your race? In front of you? Really? Doubt it.

@whatsitcalledwhen

She said plenty of other nasty shit. She could be a nasty, spiteful woman and hurt many people. But like all human beings she was complex and there were plenty of good aspects to her character. She was very funny and vivacious and her many grandchildren loved her company.

Has the OP defined these slurs? My grandparents would use outdated terms like "half-caste" and "darkie" without even a trace of meanness in their intention.

OP can do as she likes. I'm making the point that it can be more complicated with older generations. My other gran is fond of the word "proddy", despite having no feelings of ill will towards Protestants. It's pointless trying to tell her otherwise. She's a very old woman and that's just the way of it.

My mum was born in 1951 and she put me out in the garden in my pram in the 70’s and she did the same with my DS when he was a baby. I know for a fact that my best friend’s mum did the same with her.

Would you have such nice memories if you were a different race to your grandma and she had used racial slurs about your race? In front of you? Really? Doubt it

It is not the actually grandchildren who are a different race.

I certainly don't enjoy the company of racists, but family often means we have to spend time with people with wildly varying views on issues and have to find a way of dealing with them.

My dm hated my cousin and his wife because they were religious bigots in N.I., but when she was dying in hospital, my cousin's wife, who I'd never met before, turned up and kept me company all through the night.

@DojaPhat

Or you could just answer the question asked maybe?
Maybe take a look at the stats, I'm quite sure you'll be shocked. Not to minimise for a second the horrific discrimination faced by other ethnic minorities.

OP confirmed her children are mixed race.

OP confirmed her children are mixed race

I think she actually said that her children are from two different nationalities, otherwise why did she not mention that in her initial post where she refers to other relatives as being people of colour? Because racism is shit but is a whole different level when grandparents are racist against their own grandchildren and it would be very peculiar that the OP was more concerned about a niece that about her own children.

She said this:

My children are also mixed race but different mix to my sisters children we have both married outside of our culture

Oh come on. Being racist was definitely acceptable in the 80s and still is now in many parts of society. Not everyone is part of the metropolitan elite.

My parents and in laws are all boomers and all have somewhat old fashioned attitudes in terms of women's roles and use some politically incorrect language at times. However only one out of the 4 is actually a racist bigot. I think that it is clear what the OP meant. Her mil is worse than could be explained by the cultural attitudes prevalent at the time of their youth.

See I was nodding along with your first 2 sentences and then bam you got to the end.

reported.

I've reported too. Horrible post.

My Mother is a boomer but would be horrified to be classed with your mil. Please don't classify everyone the same of any generation

Yes, horrible racist post @WillowCraft!
My point anyway, if you read back, is what is true of one society is not true of another. Sure, if an Irish traveller moved somewhere they weren't instantly recognised as a traveller then they'd enjoy white privilege. But in Ireland they're not privileged. They're one of the most marginalised and disadvantaged groups in that society. It's similar in the UK.