Bye bye bigot MIL

[222333Annie]

My MIL has always had questionable views on things but I’ve always for the most part not engaged with her as she is the kind of idiot it’s impossible to reason with.

now I have a DS (10 months) .On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

she then proceeded to tell me I read “ too much science ” when raising my son and her way (the old fashioned way) is the only way.To which my mother replied current guidelines are based on research to reduce SIDS so cannot be a bad thing.

I guess my point here is.Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?Husband says he supports cutting down contact if she says things like this around him when he is older but obviously cannot completely disown his mum.In an ideal world,I would never mix with someone so ridiculous so at a loss as to how to handle it.She is also very angry she will not be assisting me with childcare when I return to work .Obviously all of the above is the reason why.Should I get DH to explain this to her?

That point has been made ad nauseum and the OP has acknowledged it.

OP does have a genuine issue here and the pile on from overly sensitive posters is very unhelpful.

shes 65 Ive heard he refer to herself as a baby boomer so thought that was just a thing.so you’re saying to me that boomer is ageist ? Does that mean we can’t use terms like millienials and gen Z ? This is confusing if people have made it negative I wasn’t aware when using it.Its not ageist it’s an explanation for the different views which adds context.Again you all just touchy as fuck and it’s defo not the same as using a racial term you could be prosecuted for using on the street

@Wokkadema r.e the marrying a family comment - reading the first paragraph of your quote response to my post actually belies the essence of that comment.

Re childcare: hold your line. It’s one thing having out of date information but to actively choose to stay ignorant in a world where you can google anything? Or to be threatened by you trying to research things for your son? Even if she said she’d follow your wishes I wouldn’t believe it if she’s as you say. Have you seen ‘Lauren the mortician’ on fb/insta? Prime examples of grandparents using outdated techniques and having terrible outcomes.

re general views and abuse: I would put boundaries in now before it’s damaging to son and hold them. So no racism or she leaves. Etc you’ll probs have to intervene sooner than you think eg clothes slogans, choices of toys etc. good luck. It doesn’t matter if she’s family- you don’t have to put up with it. Your son will be fine without a misogynist in his life if it comes to it. Sounds like your husband might be enabling her by not speaking up. You might want to sort that before it drives a wedge.

she sounds like she’s trying to get attention and unhappy/insecure to be that bothered about a parent following the latest guidance!

I did not say all boomers have those views on parenting thought? I said it’s something I consider as to why our views clash.She hasn’t parented in over 40 years nor been around very many babies so I think that’s reasonable to say .Maybe the word boomer it’s self is offensive if so I was not aware she have apologised.

This. I'm a boomer almost and I can distinctly remember finding my dad's mother quite racist and intolerant - although that wasn't the word I used then. I just remember thinking she was old-fashioned and I didn't agree with her. But she was also my granny. Kids are quite discerning and it's one of life's lessons to be able to learn that even people you care about can be quite unpleasant at times. That said I think it's right to ask your husband to have a word with her about not expressing such views around you and children, as it makes you uncomfortable. She won't like it but she needs to get it under control.

@101Nutella thanks for this someone finally talking sense.this is actual advice.

I voted YABU. We had the same with my in-laws. Didn’t stop them being around the kids but we just explained it to them as ‘sometimes when people get older they say silly things that are not right as their brain gets old. When/if this happens you must just ignore it’. Technically it is true, but obviously not the cause of why their grandparents were saying it. When kids got old enough to be savvy, they realised grandparents were just racist/biggoted dicks (and that’s why mum always drank copiously if we went for a visit). Meanwhile they had a relationship with them and ignored the ‘silly’ things they said - because they were elderly.

A lot of PPs seem to have overlooked this part in their rush to be offended:

On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

Shocking that this kind of racist behaviour towards OP's family is being minimised and excused away.

She may be a granny but that does not make it ok to spout racist slurs in front of her DIL and her family. I'm sure she knows exactly what she's doing and it's nasty.

She needs to be told in no uncertain terms that her comments are offensive and won't be tolerated.

@222333Annie the word boomer when used to express stereotypical negative characteristics is offensive to those of us who are “boomers” or married to “boomers “.

My husband is a “boomer” yet manages to not be racist or anti science. In fact he is a scientist. Sometimes people need to have it gently pointed out to them when their language is upsetting people. Maybe try that with your MIL.

@HoppingPavlova this is great advice and what I was hoping for . Thank you, I like the way you’ve explained it to your children I could see myself doing that in the future.

Toddler hears grandmother use slur
Toddler repeats slur to friend at nursery, not realising its bad
Nursery and parents then have to unteach it to toddlers

It's not just the use of the word boomer - you then in subsequent posts continue to make this about her age.

Yes her bigotry is a real problem. But so is yours. Ageism is as bad as the prejudice you call her out for.

@Sakura7 thank you for talking some sense .If I posted what was actually said I wonder if the views would be different ? I won’t repeat it because I could never even bring myself to repeat that language.

It’s not pleasant to hear views expressed we considered racist.

We also have a societal problem with a generation of young adults who have been raised being unable to tolerate any view they deem wrong and cannot engage in any form of counter debate, instead scream “bigot!” at people who not only express views that are universally racist, but also views that are quite reasonable.

Your DH is clearly too cowardly to make a stand and challenge these views so it’s a great opportunity to do so by pointing out clearly when she expressed racist/sexist/ misogynistic views and showing a good example. No child becomes sexist/racist/misogynistic from intermittent exposure to a grandparent and if you and his dad raise him properly he won’t. And if you keep contact and challenge her in front of him you will also raise a child who can constructively challenge others when he’s older without being ironically intolerant of other people’s views, like a good deal of people in their 20s right now who don’t want certain people to speak at their universities.

I’m still confused is it Agist to point out we did things differently as parents due to being born in a different time..NO.. if any of the older generation tell me they did things exactly as majority of parents do today I’d be very suprised as the world changes.One day I could be a grandparent and I’m pretty sure my DIL will be doing things different to me pointing this out is not ageist. Also ageist would imply I don’t like her because of her age I don’t like her coz she’s a dick

A lot of these posters have likely never dealt with actual abusive family members. There is such a toxic narrative where people assume having vile people in your life because they are ‘family’ is always the desired outcome. I can only imagine people advising this either

1. have the privilege of never dealing with such situations so it’s a blind spot. They see family as a happy loving thing.
2. perhaps their own self esteem has been knocked by such people so they allow it in their own life so don’t realise it’s wrong.
3. Or that they are triggered because they are actually the abusive people/bullies themselves.

honestly blood or not- you deserve better.
guve her the opportunity to grow and change whilst also controlling/limiting the impact she can have on your son. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. you are being kind already. If I was the child of an immigrant and had someone being racist in my house I probs wouldn’t want to spend any time with them.

A clumsy generalisation about boomers is not in the same league as actual racism, for crying out loud 🙄

It's quite obvious what point OP was making. Societal norms were different in MIL's youth and may somewhat explain why she holds such views. It doesn't mean all, or most, boomers are racist or sexist.

@NotBadConsidering so you can say people in there 20s this and that ?hypocrite. I’m not actually offended by that at all.Haha honestly I’m sick of it .Starting to think you’re all just upset about your age now rather than offering constructive help you’re all just talking about what a good boomer you are or a nice boomer you know.I can use her age as a reason her views on parenting may be different there are many cultural,historical and social reasons people have different views .Pointing this out is not ageist .Ill say it again I don’t hate her coz she’s old I hate her because she uses racially derogative terms to my face and questions my parenting choices and disregards any hard work or research I’ve put into raising my son .youre ageist now LOL enjoy

A lot of PPs seem to have overlooked this part in their rush to be offended:
^^
On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

I was thinking the same, @Sakura7. I disagree that the OP’s mistake is on a par with the MiL’s comments like this as some have said.

@DirectionToPerfection

A clumsy generalisation about boomers is not in the same league as actual racism, for crying out loud

Prejudice, bigotry and discriminatory of all types is bad.

It's not a competition.

And you can see from OP subsequent posts that it's more ingrained than just one clumsy word. She continues to explain MILs behaviour as caused by her age. Her racism and sexism is caused by her age says OP.

MIL is a racist and sexism because she is. Not because of her age. Other older people do not share these characteristics. It last ageist to apply similar negative characteristics to those of the same generation.

Once you start to justify bigotry you are just as bad as MIL

Autocorrects got carried away there.

@222333Annie 'Boomer' is quite a controversial word here because it is often used to describe people who benefited from post 2nd world war reforms, like the expansion to higher education, but whose grandchildren face many more difficulties securing a comfortable job and lifestyle. It's more accurately used of the US population because we (in the UK) had different fertility patterns. It's such a large group numerically that it's rarely possible to make broad assumptions about their political views.

At 65, your MIL is at the tag end of the 'baby boomer' generation. At 64, I would never make allowances for someone in this age group being racist because it was the dominant attitude. The Race Relations Act was passed in 1965 so she was a tiny child when legislation to prevent discrimination was passed.

It sounds as if she is misogynistic too and used personal slurs towards your family. Her anti science approach doesn't suggest she would provide the sort of care you want.

You are in a really difficult position. There are some people with very entrenched views who can't even maintain a diplomatic silence. Do you think she values her role as grandmother enough to understand that her personal views cause offence?

I wish I had some practical ideas - I just was sorry that you'd got caught up in this boomer debate so just wanted to add a bit of context.

Language evolves and the word “boomer” is becoming a word that I believe will become non acceptable due to the way people use it to promote ageist stereotypes.

Im sure you can understand that certain words do have negative connotations. They were once used in society but now aren’t. If you want your son to grow up with an open mind not racist, sexist, ageist, homophobic etc in his attitudes then the language you use is important.

It’s absolutely fine to use the term boomer. It describes a group of people born within a certain time frame.
you used it as shorthand to imply there would be different generational standards and views- which there are.
one such socially accepted standard was to respect your elders and not to question authority. Both have changed dramatically in later generations eg respect should be earned etc. so the fact you are essentially questioning an elder will be triggering some people here.

People literally study the generational differences to aid teaching techniques and management techniques so it’s a huge thing! And of course there are exceptions but how we were raised and significant events which happened in the background of our life really affect how we view things now.