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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bye bye bigot MIL

559 replies

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 03:44

My MIL has always had questionable views on things but I’ve always for the most part not engaged with her as she is the kind of idiot it’s impossible to reason with.

now I have a DS (10 months) .On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

she then proceeded to tell me I read “ too much science ” when raising my son and her way (the old fashioned way) is the only way.To which my mother replied current guidelines are based on research to reduce SIDS so cannot be a bad thing.

I guess my point here is.Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?Husband says he supports cutting down contact if she says things like this around him when he is older but obviously cannot completely disown his mum.In an ideal world,I would never mix with someone so ridiculous so at a loss as to how to handle it.She is also very angry she will not be assisting me with childcare when I return to work .Obviously all of the above is the reason why.Should I get DH to explain this to her?

OP posts:
Original poster
222333Annie · 29/12/2023 04:55

I will take this advice for the future as I did not mean offence should I just have said older or her age ? Not brought her age into it all? Surely it could be a factor as to why we have different views on parenting ? Times and guidelines have changed

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2023 04:56

FiveShelties · 29/12/2023 03:49

What do you mean 'she is from the boomer generation but still'?

Casual racism/sexism prevalent among the boomer generation ?

ChedderGorgeous · 29/12/2023 05:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Flowerpowera7 · 29/12/2023 05:03

I think it must be hard to hear racism comments and you cannot compare it to agism. I would just tell her f2f. She might need to be told several times its unacceptable to really get it.

MockneyReject · 29/12/2023 05:04

'If you don't correct her/call her out then you're an enabler and as bad as she is.'
Because repeatedly 'calling someone out' is difficult. It results in a bad atmosphere and awkwardness. The person doing the calling out ends up being seen as tedious, as a trouble maker, and it's that person who ends up being blamed for the ensuing arguments.

In my case, I'd have been 'calling out' just about everyone, all the time. Of course, as a teen, I did. Because, like all teens, I thought I knew it all. And As I grew up, I understood my parents and, yes, their generation more.
That doesn't make me 'as bad as them'.
Just as not wanting to cause friction and upset her OH, doesn't make the OP as bad as her racist, sexist MIL.

Original poster
222333Annie · 29/12/2023 05:04

Well yeah I did say sorry if boomer wasn’t the right way to refer to her.it’s ok to point out her generation had different views on parenting I don’t see the huge issue with that.Theres jokes all over social media about the differences in parenting generationally.im sure im not the first women whose mother in law has said “ we left them to cry it out in my day” “we gave them baby rice at 4 months” not saying everyone her age has those views but the fact she hasn’t parented in 40 years could be a strong reason 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
222333Annie · 29/12/2023 05:09

I meant this in reference to the SIDS guidelines her generation slept babies on their front with bumpers blankets etc. I sleep baby on back in a sleep bag (when he was younger anyways) She takes issue with all this and tells me I read “too much science” I meant she might think I’m doing it all wrong unless she’d researched on the NHS website or known someone who has had a baby more recently which she has not. as for the l racism and stuff she’s just mean.slurs are slurs no matter what generation I wasn’t implying that at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
222333Annie · 29/12/2023 05:15

And use racists language ? Says sexual abuse never happens,does’t support keeping my child safe from SIDS ??? Confused how people on here think this is an appropriate way to speak your mind

OP posts:
DojaPhat · 29/12/2023 05:17

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2023 04:10

You met, dated, married and got pregnant with a man whose mother was like this. Now you want to cut her out. Now there's a baby who won't get a grandmother.

IME you marry a family as well as a man. She got an ageist DIL, you got a racist MIL. No one won the lottery. Have good boundaries, parent your own way, but this is your DH's mum and your child's GM. You chose him with his family.

IME you marry a family as well as a man. She got an ageist DIL, you got a racist MIL. No one won the lottery.

This is one of the best remarks / phrases I've ever read on this forum! Chapeau!

Speedweed · 29/12/2023 05:20

I think it's right to speak up about racism/sexism at the time something is said by pointing out 'that sounds a bit racist'. It gives the speaker the opportunity to clarify, rephrase etc, or for the objector to explain what the problem is. With people you love, invited into your own home, it doesn't need a huge showdown.

But people have all sorts of different views about things. That's life. Your children will make their own mind up in time about people. A grandmother is an irreplaceable relationship to cut out of their life entirely. It also sends the message to your children that family relationships can just be cut any second, without further discussion. That's quite an anxiety inducing lesson to teach a child.

Although in years to come, when you are the old, out of touch person spouting shit to their precious children, they may be grateful you taught them how to awful people out of their life, and cut you off.

DirectionToPerfection · 29/12/2023 05:22

It's quite clear that MIL's attitudes and behaviours are unacceptable, and yet all OP gets is a hoard of people desperate to stick the boot in because she dared to use the word boomer. 🙄

Worse are the people defending the MIL.

YANBU and it's time your DH had a serious chat with her.

Wokkadema · 29/12/2023 05:25

DojaPhat · 29/12/2023 05:17

IME you marry a family as well as a man. She got an ageist DIL, you got a racist MIL. No one won the lottery.

This is one of the best remarks / phrases I've ever read on this forum! Chapeau!

Show quote history

Oh wow I am glad you do not marry a family as well as a partner... my husband probably should have run, if getting my alcoholic & abusive family members was part of the package! Fortunately it's not, and he didn't, and here we are with a lovely marriage and 3 kids we keep safe from the crazies.
OP has anyone actually called her out and explained that it's just not ok to say racist stuff (at all, but especially around anyone it directly impacts). Is she able/willing to learn?
Because it is pretty easy to fix a lack of grandparents. Go to any local church/quilting group/gardening club and adopt one.
It is less easy to fix the hurt and confusion yiur son will experience, knowing your 'adoring' granny is hateful to your cousins, or will disown you if you mention your boyfriend.

Original poster
222333Annie · 29/12/2023 05:25

I like this ! Had made me rethink it .i really loved my grandparents so like I said before I don’t want him to miss out .She can be quite confrontational so maybe just asking “what do you mean by that” or “oh that sounds like you don’t like x y and z “ I felt quite on the spot on Xmas day as I could see she was upsetting all my guests but I wasn’t sure what to do.

OP posts:
DojaPhat · 29/12/2023 05:25

I just don't buy that you ostensibly dated then married a man, then had a child with said man and it's only really now that you're beginning to get the true measure of your MiL. So much so that she uses racial slurs to punctuate sentences and takes issue with your heritage is really hitting you now all of a sudden. It's just too packaged up a little too weirdly, your reference to her as a boomer but can clearly see she's actually an anomaly by any reasonable measure of said generation. The 'too much science' stuff. I'm surprised she didn't down a litre of neat vodka and hijack your wedding day if this is true.

DirectionToPerfection · 29/12/2023 05:26

user1492757084 · 29/12/2023 04:30

I use the word Granny and not MIL for the reason of promoting that she is someone special to your child.
She will always be closer to your child than she is to you.

She is Granny.

Grandmothers, from my experience, try their utmost to not seem racist nor negative to their grandchildren. They put much effort into passing on the most generous and kind spirited part of themselves. They try to expose a delightful World. They have patience with tantrums, with teaching skills and crafts and can read when their own children (the parents) have reached cracking point and need a break.

Bigots and nasty people can be of any age. Your Boomer reference is unfair in that respect. I don't witness that age group as being more bigotted than any other.

So OP should accept racist and sexist comments being made in front of her family?

101Nutella · 29/12/2023 05:27

newsflash- if someone is racist, offensive, holds dangerously outdated views and refuses to change/educate themselves you absolutely do NOT have to keep them in your life. Regardless of if they are family.

can we stop normalising people being bullied, harassed or abused by family
members to ‘keep the peace’ or do their duty.

FiveShelties · 29/12/2023 05:28

DirectionToPerfection · 29/12/2023 05:22

It's quite clear that MIL's attitudes and behaviours are unacceptable, and yet all OP gets is a hoard of people desperate to stick the boot in because she dared to use the word boomer. 🙄

Worse are the people defending the MIL.

YANBU and it's time your DH had a serious chat with her.

Her behaviour is unacceptable, that is obvious to anyone. Her unacceptable behaviour is not to be expected because she happened to be born in a certain decade.

chocolatemademefat · 29/12/2023 05:28

Oh grow up. Boomer generation but still! Every generation has something to offer. Your ageist comment has derailed your post. Get off your high horse. By all means pull her up on her racism. In years to come the next generation will be rolling their eyes at some of your views. That’s life.

Wokkadema · 29/12/2023 05:29

222333Annie · 29/12/2023 05:25

I like this ! Had made me rethink it .i really loved my grandparents so like I said before I don’t want him to miss out .She can be quite confrontational so maybe just asking “what do you mean by that” or “oh that sounds like you don’t like x y and z “ I felt quite on the spot on Xmas day as I could see she was upsetting all my guests but I wasn’t sure what to do.

You can also use 'are you trying to be hurtful?'... 'why would you think that's an OK thing to say?'... or just 'that's not ok, Heather'
BUT you have to be strong to not get drawn into a conversation or having to justify yourself.

PuttingDownRoots · 29/12/2023 05:30

This woman will not be a loss to your son. He deserves to grow up in a loving family.

Your DH can continue to see his mother if that is his wish. But protecting your son from hatred is your first priority.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/12/2023 05:30

Your son's role models for his ethics etc are his parents. Your DH can ask /tell her not to be bigoted in front of you son (at least), you can both correct her or state 'what gran just said is different from our family values ds, in our family we...' and say it again later.
Just like you might not ban princess Disney films but I hope you would have a bit to say about how women have more to offer the world and the world has more to offer them than giving up their whole life to marry a prince.

BonnieBluButler · 29/12/2023 05:31

Exactly how old is your MiL?

'Boomers' are classed as 1946 - 1964.

I can honestly say that no one I know of the upper end of that scale would have those opinions. Not would I call them a Boomer.

Not very subtle ageism going on here. Unless you're au fait with the latest in parenting styles and correct terminology for the various 'ists' that are about - BOOMER and out of touch!

Original poster
222333Annie · 29/12/2023 05:31

Nor did I I just felt ruder saying her age as I know some people don’t like their age being shared ? If I had known boomer is negative wouldn’t have used it .Im a Millennial and don’t mind referring to myself as such

OP posts:
Ffsmakeitstop · 29/12/2023 05:31

I cannot believe people are jumping on the op for "ageism" instead of giving useful advice for dealing with a person with such horrible views.
It's always the same when someone mentions age whatever that age is ,"why is their age relevant?" Because it usually fucking is. It's not ageist to mention that a lot of people of a certain generation hold views that were acceptable, and yes racism was acceptable in certain quarters but it's certainly not now.
I would keep your distance op.

Wokkadema · 29/12/2023 05:31

DojaPhat · 29/12/2023 05:25

I just don't buy that you ostensibly dated then married a man, then had a child with said man and it's only really now that you're beginning to get the true measure of your MiL. So much so that she uses racial slurs to punctuate sentences and takes issue with your heritage is really hitting you now all of a sudden. It's just too packaged up a little too weirdly, your reference to her as a boomer but can clearly see she's actually an anomaly by any reasonable measure of said generation. The 'too much science' stuff. I'm surprised she didn't down a litre of neat vodka and hijack your wedding day if this is true.

OP did say it escalated since her baby came... it's quite possible the frequency of contact and/or granny's entitlement have shifted.