Bye bye bigot MIL

[222333Annie]

My MIL has always had questionable views on things but I’ve always for the most part not engaged with her as she is the kind of idiot it’s impossible to reason with.

now I have a DS (10 months) .On Xmas day, she said most disgraced celebs are innocent and women “put themselves into these situations” she used a number of racial slurs Infront of my family (my parents are immigrants and my brother in law / nieces are people of colour )

she then proceeded to tell me I read “ too much science ” when raising my son and her way (the old fashioned way) is the only way.To which my mother replied current guidelines are based on research to reduce SIDS so cannot be a bad thing.

I guess my point here is.Can I really have an anti feminist,racists science denier around my son? She is from the boomer generation but still…?Husband says he supports cutting down contact if she says things like this around him when he is older but obviously cannot completely disown his mum.In an ideal world,I would never mix with someone so ridiculous so at a loss as to how to handle it.She is also very angry she will not be assisting me with childcare when I return to work .Obviously all of the above is the reason why.Should I get DH to explain this to her?

Well given my post was my first on this matter and I haven’t been one of the posters criticising you for your views on age, no, I am not a hypocrite.

Protesting people and stopping people speaking because of their views is a new phenomenon most commonly in universities populated by people in their twenties.

I gave you constructive advice about how raise a child to deal with people whose views differ from yours or your child’s and how to use it to argue more constructively (more important when it means cutting out a family member otherwise). I think you should take this advice first, so you can pass on some learned skills to your child.

The thing is - as you've realised, it's sometimes easy to say something which you think is acceptable but others are really offended by.

Isn't it better to call it out with her or at least call it out to your son -Granny is being unreasonable and unfair' rather than just cut her out?

My maternal grandmother had some very questionable views but she was my grandmother and actually very sweet to me and I valued that relationship. My dad never tried to cut her out of my life or stop me from seeing her. In fact he was endlessly respectful towards her even through I know how he felt about the things she thought/said. We used to laugh about it later and my parents always made it clear that they didn't condone it. They modelled amazing manners, morals and values to me at the same time and not cutting anyone out of our lives.

In surprised about how many people are shocked OP married a man who had a mother like this.
I was with DH and married for 9 years before our first child and the second he popped out my MIL turned into the woman from absolute hell, always a difficult lady but relative distance kept but after the grandchild arrived I never in a million year imagined how much she would up the awful behaviour.

op I’m with you, I would distance myself particularly as children get older and start listening and repeating things. I’d even be honest and say you don’t want you/your child around those remarks especially as a mixed race person it’s not acceptable.
She won’t change her ways because it’s who she is, but she may be able to put a lid on it for the sake of her grandchild.

(and for any one interest in 32 and a millennial apparently)

@NotBadConsidering i appreciate the help and I understand what you are saying.I am not like those people in my generation you are generalising me as.I like a heated debate and to hear opinions of all.unfortunately my experience was not that it was just hate speech .Which I think we could agree is not acceptable.

so to summarise you think 20 something people stopping free speech is a thing but me thinking most boomers having different views on parenting can’t be a thing ? I’m running rings around all you people so unless you can help me with suggestions of how to talk to my son and or MIL constructively just don’t even bother .You boomers making it all about you 😂😂😂

Protesting people and stopping people speaking because of their views is a new phenomenon most commonly in universities populated by people in their twenties.

Views like this make me think the younger generation(s) have done a few things right. More power to their elbows imo.

@Twiglets1 not a troll just frustrated and forgot myself for a moment.this has been playing on my mind and really upset me and now I have to keep defending myself for saying something that isn’t that out there like people parented different in different times not the same as racism end of and have apologised profusely for the use of the word boomer

you are generalising me

My comment about the current university generation was not remotely generalising about you, I have no idea how old you are because you haven’t said.

so to summarise you think 20 something people stopping free speech is a thing but me thinking most boomers having different views on parenting can’t be a thing ?

I can provide plenty of examples of people stopping free speech. I haven’t compared that to your views on boomers, I haven’t mentioned it once. You’re using my post to counter other people’s criticisms of you. You also have no idea how old I am. I am not a boomer.

I’m running rings around all you people

Headless chickens run in rings too.

@Twiglets1 also have you not seen how nice I’ve been up to this point for people to still be calling me out over something I said sorry for threads and threads back this place is full of trolls who love to be offended clearly

Saying “you boomers making it all about you” & referring to “you people “ does not sound like you apologise for using the word boomer.

I would definitely limit the amount of unsupervised contact your MIL has with your son, unless by some miracle she changes her racist/ homophobic attitudes. Obviously she is his grandmother and wants a relationship with him and as reasonable people you will want to facilitate this. However, I would not want my child to see such attitudes as normal as he begins to understand more.
It’s nothing to do with age. I’m in my 60s and find such views abhorrent, as actually did my own parents who were kind and accepting people themselves.
You are right to be concerned and I’d be directly challenging her about any racist remarks she makes in front of your other family members. Good for your mother for speaking up.

@Twiglets1 i apologised a million times why would I want to offend intentionally while I’m talking about being offended.I just have to make a joke at this point because no one is listening to sense ? I’ve said 100 times the boomer thing was is reference to her parenting views not the racism as my mum is much older than her and not at all the same .I will defo not be using boomer again knowing this.Need to find out if millennial and gen z etc is also no acceptable ?

@NotBadConsidering i understand that but I think this has digressed too much I can say she does things different because she is from a different generation that’s not me constantly being ageist.

also I don’t want to stop anyone’s free speech I just don’t want to be referred to as racial slurs that you could be prosecuted for using in the street that is fair,no?

also fair to be concerned about my son hearing that and feeling bad about himself one day ?

@LangMayYerLumReek2024 please explain how saying her age may be a reason we have different parenting views is Bigotry and on the same level of offence ?

sometimes people say “oh so and so is young” as an excuse for behaviour I don’t see everyone up in arms and calling that person ageist or a bigot this is confusing ?

The words millennial and Gen Z don’t tend to be used as shorthand to insult people so as far as I’m aware, they are still acceptable.

That could change of course, language does adapt.

Baby boomer as a description is ok too, it is the casual ageism of “boomers” said with a sneer that is becoming unacceptable.

For the third time, I haven’t mentioned your age or your references to your MIL’s age.

I’m not saying you should stop her free speech. I’m saying you should raise your child to be the sort of person who can challenge views he finds offensive in a constructive manner.

It’s fair to be concerned about your child hearing things like racial slurs. So you put your big girl pants on and tell your MIL not to use racial slurs. And if she does you teach your child it’s a racial slur that shouldn’t be used. Both of these things will set a good example to your child of how to deal with things we find offensive.

For me, the bottom line is that the OP seems to have got more criticism for describing her MIL as a boomer (a term her MIL uses too and which is at worst clunky and certainly legal) than her MIL has received for using sexist and racist language.

I think you'd be right to try and keep your distance OP. The examples of things she's said are awful.

Don't worry about those shouting ageism here - there's always someone looking for offence on any thread and the term "boomer" is no more ageist than "gen x" or "millennial". It only carries the negative connotations earned by that generation's general behaviour.

I'm actually disgusted at the amount of users brushing off racist, sexist and homophobic views because she's 'the poor granny', 'we didn't hear any of those views in my day' or 'you've married into the family'. This entire thread oozes white privilege and actually does highlight the racism still prevalent if mothers are being told to put up with their heritage being criticised in front of them and their child for the sake of the MIL's feelings. If the OP could just simply ask MIL to not do it and then everything would be fine, do you really think she would have created this thread?

Sorry you are going through this, OP. It's not nice to be made to feel less worthy because of how you were born and should be celebrated. I have a bigoted grandmother and the only thing I have been able to do for my own MH is go low contact because calling her out on her behaviour or language just results in her going home and crying to other relatives and having them accuse me of being mean. Just stop popping around or inviting her over, and make sure you are not placating her by hiding any part of who you are when she is around. With DD I will speak in our shared mother tongue, we'll still listen to 'foreign music' in the background, we celebrate festivals in our way.

My grandmother came out with all sorts of nonsense, some of it racial prejudice. Some of it was so ridiculous that it made me think about the issues as a child and come to a different conclusion. My grandmother was a big influence on my life but not always in the way that she intended 🤣

I think some people are so busy being righteous they've missed that the racist comments were directed at OPs family including children.

OP ignore the PPs, some of them have completely nuts ideas about life it seems. Cut out this awful, negative influence on your life. You owe her nothing, and her behaviour means she deserves nothing.

Also just a few points here:

• Someone said ‘you marry a family not an individual’ and I was horrified to see others agree. What an insane notion. Nobody should have to put up with abusive relatives, and no one should be judged for cutting them off.
• More broadly, so what if she’s ‘granny’? Some of the worst abuse can come from blood relatives, and some of the best from adoptive / distant relatives, or even strangers. Some weird people on here always claims blood is the be all and end all, but it’s about actions and how these people treat you more than how much dna you or your child shares with them.
• A lot of PPs have said ‘I grew up in the 50s/60s/70s/80s and never heard anything racist, sexist, homophobic’ etc. How wonderful for them! Which country did they grow up in though, because it wasn’t the UK! These views were commonly held in all those times, and tolerated or even promoted. Hello, section 28, or lest we forget that the BNP got 1 million votes as recently as 2009 in the EP elections, or UKIP’s vote count more recently. Honestly, those PPs are part of the problem. They didn’t see racism, I suspect, because it didn’t impact them personally. Seriously guys, this is where the ‘boomer’ term attracts negative connotations.

Deep breath. Anyway, per the previous OP - cut out the MiL.

@waterdusky thank you I am
so happy for your comment.im glad you keep up traditions in your home that is great for you kids.of course both my husband and I have spoken to her as you said.

just wondered if distance is better as she comes over a lot since my son has been born or if there was a way I could talk to her and or my son when he’s older about this issue which some nice people on here have helped with xx

and as for my husband I would think it weird him marrying me and having a wedding in my families traditions and even learning some of my language to teach our kids if he was racist like his mum.this has been very upsetting for not only me but my parents who had to listen to it for a whole day

@222333Annie - I'm a boomer and I wouldn't be happy to be in the company of someone like your MIL. No excuses for vile views and rudeness.

I understand that a grandparent can bring a lot into a child's life and am so grateful for all the time I spend with mine, who I miss to this day and brought so much.

However, there are exceptions, and your MIL seems one. DH should take the lead in a conversation with her.