Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset with DH - meant to be my night off

170 replies

Tiredmumsclubb · 29/12/2023 03:17

We’ve got a 10 week old baby who wakes around 3 times a night. Baby’s never awake for long, just has a bottle and a cuddle and goes back into cot, always under 30
mins even if they need a nappy change, but the multiple wakes a night is obviously exhausting after almost 3 months.

Since DHs 2 week paternity leave ended I’ve been doing all the night feeds, even on weekends. The most he’s done is take baby when they wake at 7-8am on weekends.

DH is off for 10 days over Christmas, so far I’ve continued doing the nights but I’ve been saying I’d like 1 night off which he’s jokingly moaned about saying he’s not capable etc but it all seemed pretty lighthearted. Tonight was supposed to be the night. Baby woke at 2am - much later than usual! But DH let him grumble and cry in his cot while making his bottle (we’ve got a prep machine in the room so doesn’t need to go downstairs to make a bottle) then went to the loo. Baby wears an owlet sock at night, as baby was moving around so much it couldn’t get a reading for over 2 minutes and the alarm starts going off.

I’m wide awake by this point and have now told him not to bother as this doesn’t count as my full night without the baby.

I always try to keep baby as quiet as possible so he doesn’t disturb him, which is pretty easy as baby is happy and quiet as soon as picked up. I’ve never left baby to cry for over 2 minutes so the alarm goes off - it’s the first time it’s happened! I’ll either wait until baby is settled again or take him with me if I’m desperate for the loo in the night.

We don’t have a spare room and I’m usually a heavy sleeper so didn’t think it would be an issue. We mostly shared the nights while DH was on paternity leave but I had one night and managed to sleep through then.

I’m just so upset I asked for 1 night out of the 10 days and can’t even get that. Step kids are staying this weekend so night off won’t be happening at all now.

DH now snoring away and I’m awake crying, he knows how exhausted I am and after tonight I just feel like he doesn’t care at all.

OP posts:
LovesFood1987 · 29/12/2023 03:22

He is being a knob. Parenting is 24/7 and he needs to up his game massively.

When it's the morning make it absolutely clear what he's done is not acceptable or he will never change. These early days set a president.

Stand up for yourself op, you deserve better xx

CuriousGeorge80 · 29/12/2023 03:26

What a dickhead. Just tell him it’s his turn again tonight. The step kids staying is surely irrelevant to this!

GodDammitCecil · 29/12/2023 03:26

Come on OP, just talk to him.

Do not martyr yourself and throw in the towel, letting him have it entirely his way.

Expect him to step up and parent, and accept nothing less.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2023 03:27

DH now snoring away and I’m awake crying, he knows how exhausted I am and after tonight I just feel like he doesn’t care at all.

Tell him exactly that. Say, "DH I want you to know that I was awake crying with exhaustion because I didn't get to sleep through. I need a night off. I feel dreadful and needed help. Please tell me what you will do so that I can get a night off." And then let him speak.

Be calm, honest and firm.

LaurieStrode · 29/12/2023 03:29

Can you go away to friends or family for a couple of nights?

Ponderingwindow · 29/12/2023 03:29

The step kids staying doesn’t matter. He can still cover a night. He should be covering more than 1 night out of 10.

comfyoldcardi · 29/12/2023 03:29

Dies he expect you to do all the work with his older children too?

user1492757084 · 29/12/2023 03:32

He'll get better at it.
Give him more practise.

Also ask for two big alone sleep sessions each day of the weekend. Time for Dh to gain more daytime baby care skills pramming about the park with all kids..

Original poster
Tiredmumsclubb · 29/12/2023 03:34

Thanks all, I will speak to him in the morning but he takes a bit of a backseat with the baby when step kids are here so they don’t feel pushed out/jealous of the baby (they are early teens) so I think the opportunity for a night off has passed.

I suppose I could stay at my mums but I’ve not been away from baby yet and not sure I’m ready to be a 30 min drive away :(

OP posts:
PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 29/12/2023 03:49

I was you a few months ago; with DH taking a back seat when step kids were here…. Take it from me put a stop to that pronto - I told my DH he has three kids and they all require equal attention during their stay you don’t just get to ignore one when the other two are here, plus they are siblings so it is good for them all to hang out.

When my DH isn’t working we split the night so we each get solid sleep I do from putting down to sleep till about 2.30 then he does the early mornings, he is a better sleeper than me so finds it easier to drop off back to sleep- can you implement that every weekend and if stepkids aren’t there can’t he sleep in that room with the baby monitor so you aren’t woken ….Set boundaries and expectations for yourself early you are both parents and both need to care for the baby and each other

MockneyReject · 29/12/2023 04:05

'He'll get better at it.
Give him more practise'
It's his third baby - how much more practice until he gets used to being a parent? He's had over 10 years, whereas OP has had 3 months and has worked it out!

NewIdeasToday · 29/12/2023 04:16

The step kids won’t know who does the night feeds, so there is absolutely no reason that he can’t.

He may be lacking in confidence to look after the baby but the only way to overcome that is to practice.

So ask him to do at least one night over the weekend.

NeedingAGoodNap · 29/12/2023 04:17

@MockneyReject Totally agree. I highly suspect this might be why he has children from a previous relationship!

I doubt he will change his ways now. If he can’t manage to care for his partner or his 3rd baby - this is who he is.

GodDammitCecil · 29/12/2023 04:26

I can’t believe you’re just going to cave and let the step-kids be the excuse.

The signs very much point towards him being a hopeless parent - so either you go along with that, or you demand and expect more from him.

comfyoldcardi · 29/12/2023 04:44

NeedingAGoodNap · 29/12/2023 04:17

@MockneyReject Totally agree. I highly suspect this might be why he has children from a previous relationship!

I doubt he will change his ways now. If he can’t manage to care for his partner or his 3rd baby - this is who he is.

Edited

Yes.

hoobanoobie · 29/12/2023 04:45

That was supposed to be my night off. You didn't bother so tonight is your night. I'm going out. You'll be fine with all

Emma8888 · 29/12/2023 04:51

I'd maybe be a little kinder and just assume he wasn't going his joined up thinking at 2am, and realizing the baby needed to be hushed immediately so as not to wake you. It sounds like he was at least trying.

Let him know what to do when the baby wakes (pick up, prep bottle, pee with baby if he needs to, feeds, settles) and that he can try again tomorrow. Step kids being around during the day has no relevance imo. Also agree he should take the three kids out somewhere together to give you a break for a nap / long bath etc. Baby shouldn't get less of his time because the step siblings are there, they can do things as a family as well.

Tilllly · 29/12/2023 04:51

What @MrsTerryPratchett said

Or seriously, come 3pm, hand over baby and bugger off to a premier inn
Have a long shower/ bath, meal deal, early night, lie in, breakfast
Come back refreshed

Lizzieregina · 29/12/2023 04:54

Where do the stepkids sleep when they visit?

If they have a room, that’s where I’d be going on my night off (when they’re not there obviously).

When I had newborns, DH did every Saturday night and I slept where I couldn’t hear crying.

Your DH should be doing at least one weekend night every week and every other night if he’s off on holidays.

Don’t let him get you with his weaponized incompetence!

GenXisthebest · 29/12/2023 05:00

There's no reason he can't do a night when his kids are here.

KittenBiscuit · 29/12/2023 05:07

OP this is not acceptable parenting from your DH and you need to have a serious conversation with him. I have a 9 month old and my DH has been doing two nights a week ever since he went back to work from paternity leave. He recognises that I am also working hard looking after DC and need my rest to be able to do this well and safely. We have already discussed how we will manage things when I go back to work full time, and agreed the nights will then move to 50/50.
I agree with PP that you may need to show him how to manage the nights so that there's less disturbance. I also recommend you put in earplugs for your nights off! (Hushplugz are great!)

rwalker · 29/12/2023 05:19

He got up but on his 1st attempt at doing this he didn’t get it right

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/12/2023 05:23

Tilllly · 29/12/2023 04:51

What @MrsTerryPratchett said

Or seriously, come 3pm, hand over baby and bugger off to a premier inn
Have a long shower/ bath, meal deal, early night, lie in, breakfast
Come back refreshed

I agree

BoxOfCats · 29/12/2023 05:23

Totally unacceptable. And why on earth can't he parent his third child while his other two are there, what sort of example is that setting to them? Time to read him the riot act.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/12/2023 05:25

Don't allow weaponized incompetence/ he does it badly once so you never ask again. Tell him what you expect and how to do it and then tell him to do it again.
I agree with sleep in step kid bed when they're not there or just go to a nearby hotel/ the baby will appreciate a rested mum so much.