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Original poster

So upset with DH - meant to be my night off

170 replies

Tiredmumsclubb · 29/12/2023 03:17

We’ve got a 10 week old baby who wakes around 3 times a night. Baby’s never awake for long, just has a bottle and a cuddle and goes back into cot, always under 30
mins even if they need a nappy change, but the multiple wakes a night is obviously exhausting after almost 3 months.

Since DHs 2 week paternity leave ended I’ve been doing all the night feeds, even on weekends. The most he’s done is take baby when they wake at 7-8am on weekends.

DH is off for 10 days over Christmas, so far I’ve continued doing the nights but I’ve been saying I’d like 1 night off which he’s jokingly moaned about saying he’s not capable etc but it all seemed pretty lighthearted. Tonight was supposed to be the night. Baby woke at 2am - much later than usual! But DH let him grumble and cry in his cot while making his bottle (we’ve got a prep machine in the room so doesn’t need to go downstairs to make a bottle) then went to the loo. Baby wears an owlet sock at night, as baby was moving around so much it couldn’t get a reading for over 2 minutes and the alarm starts going off.

I’m wide awake by this point and have now told him not to bother as this doesn’t count as my full night without the baby.

I always try to keep baby as quiet as possible so he doesn’t disturb him, which is pretty easy as baby is happy and quiet as soon as picked up. I’ve never left baby to cry for over 2 minutes so the alarm goes off - it’s the first time it’s happened! I’ll either wait until baby is settled again or take him with me if I’m desperate for the loo in the night.

We don’t have a spare room and I’m usually a heavy sleeper so didn’t think it would be an issue. We mostly shared the nights while DH was on paternity leave but I had one night and managed to sleep through then.

I’m just so upset I asked for 1 night out of the 10 days and can’t even get that. Step kids are staying this weekend so night off won’t be happening at all now.

DH now snoring away and I’m awake crying, he knows how exhausted I am and after tonight I just feel like he doesn’t care at all.

OP posts:
Oogieboogiewhoowoo · 29/12/2023 07:29

I cant think of the word. Theres a phrase for it. Where people do such a bad job of things so their purposely not asked again or so other people pick up the slack
feigned incompetence or somthing like that

Deathraystare · 29/12/2023 07:37

Next time the lazy shit snores contentedly in his bed, develop 'restless leg' syndrome and accidentally kick him.

jujitsugrant · 29/12/2023 07:41

YANBU, he is being selfish and an awful partner. The step kids thing is a cop out.

With both my children my husband did most nights on 2 week paternity leave as I had just given birth/had c section was exhausted etc. Then when he went back to work he did a night at the weekend usually Saturday but sometimes Friday when I had those weeks where I was so exhausted I felt I couldn't go even one more night without cracking up!

With my eldest I went back to work when he was around 1 and with my second he was 8 months. We then split the nights 50/50. With my eldest this wasn't a big deal as he didn't really wake and when he did he just wanted a dummy etc. But our second child was a poor sleeper until around 18 months so the splitting of nights was essential or I would have cracked up. I am now pregnant with my 3rd (and last) and we will do the same again this time but he now has a new job where he is on call every 3 weeks and can be quite an intense week for him so we have already agreed if needed he will sleep downstairs those weeks so he gets sleep and he doesn't disturb the rest of us in the middle of the night etc. We are going to keep discussing as time goes on and when I go back to work etc. It will depend on how we feel, how the baby sleeps etc.

This needs to be talked about, your sleep and health are just as important as his and I don't understand men who have the gall to say "I can't cope with no sleep" NOBODY CAN. Suck it up.

HettyMeg · 29/12/2023 07:44

Tell him the nights need to be split equally throughout the week. If you do so much for your child now, there's no way it's going to automatically become more equal when they're older. He is a parent too, he needs to... parent!

cravingmilkshake · 29/12/2023 07:48

He can do so much better.

My husband had my our twins on a Friday and Saturday night every weekend so I could sleep in the spare room.

Advocate more for yourself. Book a hotel room down the road . You need and deserve rest.

Simonjt · 29/12/2023 07:51

“Let him know what to do when the baby wakes (pick up, prep bottle, pee with baby if he needs to, feeds, settles) and that he can try again tomorrow.”

Surely the person who taught OP what to do when their baby wakes could teach her husband? As after an adult couldn’t possibly figure this out on their own.

cinnamonbiscuit · 29/12/2023 07:53

I've been you a few times over the last few months op. My DH works nights so it's all on me Mon-Fri, but I still have to talk him through how to deal with a night wake at the weekend so that I can sleep through a full night every now and then(and he stays awake till 4am!)

I would 100% be off to a premier Inn as pp have suggested. If I had that option I would but my DH is on call at the weekends over the winter. Sounds like you deserve it!

MimiSunshine · 29/12/2023 07:55

You need to put your foot down on this. Baby is bottle fed so he has no excuse.
so you both get one night off a weekend and one lie in. So let’s say you get Friday night off and a Saturday lie in then he gets Saturday night off baby duties and Sunday lie in.

as for his older children visiting, what bigger difference does that make? They’re not up with him in the night.

this morning I’d be telling him that you were upset as he behaved selfishly, does he honestly think all that faffing and going to the loo is what you do? Or does he think that actually you’re pretty considerate in the night so he has minimal disruption?

it’s not that he can’t adequately look after baby in the night, it’s because he doesn’t want to.

WanderingTheHills · 29/12/2023 07:57

@rochethenut
I'm on a hiking trip!

hennybeans · 29/12/2023 07:57

As soon as you mentioned stepkids, I thought ah yes, he’s played this game before and knows just what he’s doing to you. He’s doing the “I’m so helpless and bad at this that I can’t possibly settle the baby in the night, guess I better leave it to you” game.

Sounds like he needs much more practice taking care of the baby in the night. He should be doing one weekend night every week as standard, assuming you’re on mat leave and he’s working full time. That way you both get one lie in every week. Fair.

Howbizzare22 · 29/12/2023 07:59

Another case of a man with weaponised incompetence 🙄 he did it badly so you would just think “I’ll do it myself “ and boom- he doesn’t have to do it again. Put your foot down & tell him to step up and stop being a shit parent and letting you do everything. Sick of these lazy fucking “fathers”

airforsharon · 29/12/2023 07:59

Oogieboogiewhoowoo · 29/12/2023 07:29

I cant think of the word. Theres a phrase for it. Where people do such a bad job of things so their purposely not asked again or so other people pick up the slack
feigned incompetence or somthing like that

Yep, my stepfather was famous for this. Make an absolute rollocks of something he was perfectly capable of but didn't want to do, knowing my mum wouldn't bother asking him again. I despised him.

OP, just ask your DH plainly why he thinks he deserves to sleep every night while you run yourself into the ground. That will tell you all you need to know about how he sees you.

MamaGhina · 29/12/2023 08:04

I’d be telling him it’s his turn again tonight and tomorrow night because from now on he’s doing every weekend.

Jennyjojo5 · 29/12/2023 08:04

Ohtobetwentytwo · 29/12/2023 05:48

Depending on his pride and his family, I'd ask him or his mum whether they can stay over one night and she can help her son to give you a break. He might feel embarrassed about not pulling his weight.

I'd make the point again about how quiet you are with baby and that he needs to start doing weekends. If he doesnt stay quiet, you dont stay quiet and everyone loses. He has more at stake than you as he is currently getting 7 nights peace. You have nothing to lose by sinking to his level.

If he "needs help" you can get him up in the week to show him the ropes and how to do it quietly. Talk him through it. Make it painful for him so the easier choice is to do his share.

why on earth push this fakingly incompetent man onto his mother?why does his mother need to help him parent his own child overnight?

oh. Patriarchy 🙄

Catsknowbest · 29/12/2023 08:07

Tiredmumsclubb · 29/12/2023 03:34

Thanks all, I will speak to him in the morning but he takes a bit of a backseat with the baby when step kids are here so they don’t feel pushed out/jealous of the baby (they are early teens) so I think the opportunity for a night off has passed.

I suppose I could stay at my mums but I’ve not been away from baby yet and not sure I’m ready to be a 30 min drive away :(

The step kids should be asleep when he needs to step up so why would this matter? Plus they can learn baby is just as important a part of the family without feeling "pushed out" Presumably they can do things for themselves whereas baby can't.

Jennyjojo5 · 29/12/2023 08:07

Why do posters keep saying the words that he needs ‘practice’? This is so bizarre! The baby is 3 months old… make the bottle up and feed the baby.. change its nappy. It’s not rocket science! How much practice do you think a mum gets after she gives birth and immediately have to feed and change the baby! She doesn’t, she just cracks on with it.

all these men have jobs; if they used the same weaponised incompetence at work, they’d soon be fired! It’s all utter fakery

LemonJeIIy · 29/12/2023 08:10

Tiredmumsclubb · 29/12/2023 03:34

Thanks all, I will speak to him in the morning but he takes a bit of a backseat with the baby when step kids are here so they don’t feel pushed out/jealous of the baby (they are early teens) so I think the opportunity for a night off has passed.

I suppose I could stay at my mums but I’ve not been away from baby yet and not sure I’m ready to be a 30 min drive away :(

I know its let's DH off, but can you take baby to mums with you and then mum can do a night for you?

Vinrouge4 · 29/12/2023 08:12

Take the baby and go to your mums for a few days. Let him deal with his kids. Maybe your mum can look after him during the day while you catch up on sleep

EarringsandLipstick · 29/12/2023 08:19

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2023 03:27

DH now snoring away and I’m awake crying, he knows how exhausted I am and after tonight I just feel like he doesn’t care at all.

Tell him exactly that. Say, "DH I want you to know that I was awake crying with exhaustion because I didn't get to sleep through. I need a night off. I feel dreadful and needed help. Please tell me what you will do so that I can get a night off." And then let him speak.

Be calm, honest and firm.

Perfect.

IGotItFromAgnes · 29/12/2023 08:19

Vinrouge4 · 29/12/2023 08:12

Take the baby and go to your mums for a few days. Let him deal with his kids. Maybe your mum can look after him during the day while you catch up on sleep

Yes, get another woman to step up to make up for what a man should be doing.

I’d have a word with him this morning. And make it clear that if he’s so bad at nights, he clearly needs more practice so he’ll be doing more of them from now on.

rochethenut · 29/12/2023 08:19

Jennyjojo5 · 29/12/2023 08:07

Why do posters keep saying the words that he needs ‘practice’? This is so bizarre! The baby is 3 months old… make the bottle up and feed the baby.. change its nappy. It’s not rocket science! How much practice do you think a mum gets after she gives birth and immediately have to feed and change the baby! She doesn’t, she just cracks on with it.

all these men have jobs; if they used the same weaponised incompetence at work, they’d soon be fired! It’s all utter fakery

added to which, this is his 3rd child!

Whatwouldscullydo · 29/12/2023 08:20

You have 2 kids op ....

Love this idea that we are somehow born with the ability to do this and a man can't possibly be expected to know and we are supposed to be sympathetic to the fact he's " learning and needs practice " whilst they pretend they have no idea what they are doing and ruin the very few nights off they agreed to " let" their wives and girlsfriends have.

Its pathetic. And selfish. And it doesn't always get better..

rochethenut · 29/12/2023 08:20

WanderingTheHills · 29/12/2023 07:57

@rochethenut
I'm on a hiking trip!

just seen your thread from last night

EarringsandLipstick · 29/12/2023 08:24

I think the opportunity for a night off has passed.

No, it hasn't. And it shouldn't be a 'night off' anyway, it should be a regular sharing of nights, as suits you both.

But thinking of another MN thread yesterday, this is where you need to Use Your Words.

He woke you up last night but equally, if it's your night off, you've got to leave him to it. Yes, you work because of the alarm, unfortunate but just let him get on with it & you'll doze off again.

Talk to him clearly this morning.

NearlyMonday · 29/12/2023 08:25

Do not let him use the step children as an excuse not to pull his weight!!!!

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