Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset with DH - meant to be my night off

170 replies

Tiredmumsclubb · 29/12/2023 03:17

We’ve got a 10 week old baby who wakes around 3 times a night. Baby’s never awake for long, just has a bottle and a cuddle and goes back into cot, always under 30
mins even if they need a nappy change, but the multiple wakes a night is obviously exhausting after almost 3 months.

Since DHs 2 week paternity leave ended I’ve been doing all the night feeds, even on weekends. The most he’s done is take baby when they wake at 7-8am on weekends.

DH is off for 10 days over Christmas, so far I’ve continued doing the nights but I’ve been saying I’d like 1 night off which he’s jokingly moaned about saying he’s not capable etc but it all seemed pretty lighthearted. Tonight was supposed to be the night. Baby woke at 2am - much later than usual! But DH let him grumble and cry in his cot while making his bottle (we’ve got a prep machine in the room so doesn’t need to go downstairs to make a bottle) then went to the loo. Baby wears an owlet sock at night, as baby was moving around so much it couldn’t get a reading for over 2 minutes and the alarm starts going off.

I’m wide awake by this point and have now told him not to bother as this doesn’t count as my full night without the baby.

I always try to keep baby as quiet as possible so he doesn’t disturb him, which is pretty easy as baby is happy and quiet as soon as picked up. I’ve never left baby to cry for over 2 minutes so the alarm goes off - it’s the first time it’s happened! I’ll either wait until baby is settled again or take him with me if I’m desperate for the loo in the night.

We don’t have a spare room and I’m usually a heavy sleeper so didn’t think it would be an issue. We mostly shared the nights while DH was on paternity leave but I had one night and managed to sleep through then.

I’m just so upset I asked for 1 night out of the 10 days and can’t even get that. Step kids are staying this weekend so night off won’t be happening at all now.

DH now snoring away and I’m awake crying, he knows how exhausted I am and after tonight I just feel like he doesn’t care at all.

OP posts:
Fivepigeons · 29/12/2023 05:42

Go and stay at your mums for a night. Getting unbroken sleep is important.

This is the issue with dad's..

My husband tried much harder than it sounds like your dh is however him dealing with the baby always woke me up whereas I never woke him up when I was feeding the baby. We have a spare room tho so I'd just occasionally sleep in there with earplugs when it was his turn with the babies overnight.
I think you should just stay at your mums for a night and then he has no choice but to step up and you are guaranteed your unbroken sleep.

Calamitousness · 29/12/2023 05:47

So, he can now learn from the mistakes he made and be better next time. If stepkids are here they are not going to be needing their father’s sole attention during the night so the baby can have it and they will be unaware.
but the biggest thing is why is he not doing a night every weekend. He’s off two days a week. That should be split between you. We always did that with the person whose night it was with the baby getting the long lie the next morning. Don’t let him away with not parenting his child.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 29/12/2023 05:48

Depending on his pride and his family, I'd ask him or his mum whether they can stay over one night and she can help her son to give you a break. He might feel embarrassed about not pulling his weight.

I'd make the point again about how quiet you are with baby and that he needs to start doing weekends. If he doesnt stay quiet, you dont stay quiet and everyone loses. He has more at stake than you as he is currently getting 7 nights peace. You have nothing to lose by sinking to his level.

If he "needs help" you can get him up in the week to show him the ropes and how to do it quietly. Talk him through it. Make it painful for him so the easier choice is to do his share.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 29/12/2023 05:50

He is weaponising his incompetence so weaponise your competence. Drag him out of bed and show him how you do it quietly until he can do it himself. Dig your heels on or you'll be default parent forever.

101Nutella · 29/12/2023 06:03

The teens will be asleep in the night presumably so no need for him to have the night off. If it’s only a few wakings and half hour here and there! I’m sure he’ll still be capable of talking the next day! Like u are…every day for 3 months!

Geez during the regressions/teething we were doing almost hourly wakes and splitting them and still carrying on in day. Don’t allow this nonsense.

you are providing 24/7 childcare here. You need to be safe to take care of your child. If you are so sleep deprived you risk falling asleep in an armchair etc and all the risks that come with that. You are not a single parent so don’t set yourself up like one. Presumably he was on board for becoming a parent again?

i don’t know your details but he’s working?
with bottle feeding depending on the hours he does you both could do some of the night shift and some uninterrupted sleep. Do you have a Moses basket in the sitting room? He could have the baby down there. You could sleep from 8pm-1am with him covering and then you do 1-6/7am when he gets up? We split the night and I breast feed so it’s possible. I have dinner earlier so when baby goes to sleep I can sleep too. I lose my evening a bit but I’d rather get unbroken sleep currently. I understand about being woken up by them reacting slower. I sleep somewhere else so it doesn’t wake me during my time ‘off’.

im on maternity, my partner works but his job is 9-5. my ‘job’ with the baby is 12 hrs of wake during day and 12hrs on call at night! It’s not sustainable for me to shoulder this alone whilst living with a partner. Having a job is much easier - 8 hrs a day and then the rest leisure time. I’d have so much more free time if I was back at work! That said my baby doesn’t sleep long stretches.

mumtumok · 29/12/2023 06:11

I feel ya girl. I haven’t had a full night sleep in just over 4 years. My partner has never done a night

Rumourhasit1 · 29/12/2023 06:28

Does baby have a dream feed? If not this could work well. For example I would go to bed at 9, DH would do a dream feed at 11ish before going to bed allowing me a decent chunk of sleep before a middle of night feed.

We would take it in turns on the weekend though, which is fair.

fungibletoken · 29/12/2023 06:36

I have a 5mo DD who's not the biggest sleeper - I sympathise with you in terms of how lack of sleep really starts to get to you.

However, I wouldn't lose hope with DH yet. You've found your groove with night wakings and now don't have to give them any thought, but in the early days there was probably a bit of trial and error for you too. I remember sometimes trying to fit in a quick loo break or drink when I thought DD was settled and coming back to DH soothing her. Give him the benefit of the doubt - when he's awake explain why it didn't go well and how he needs to do it next time and schedule that next time in now.

Just based on my own experiences, I doubt your DH deliberately messed it up - he just didn't properly think through how it would best work. Try again and soon you'll get that restful night you so deserve!

rochethenut · 29/12/2023 06:37

Somehow i just knew that this man would be on to his second family and have children from a previous relationship

Shoxfordian · 29/12/2023 06:43

There's no real reason he can't do it tonight or tomorrow tbh - he sounds useless

NotFastButFurious · 29/12/2023 06:44

There’s some very good premier inn deals around this time of year……

rochethenut · 29/12/2023 06:48

i think it a bit odd that having two young teens staying over means he can’t do… tonight 😕

WanderingTheHills · 29/12/2023 06:59

My stbx was like this although he didn't have any children from a previous relationship. My kids are now 19 (at uni) and 15 but I remember this well. It was always me that got up with both of the babies. The eldest was a nightmare and would wake constantly throughout the night until he started school! I thought I would die of exhaustion. I was on maternity leave for a year with both and returned to work part time but still had to do on-call (hospital) as part of my job so it was like having another baby to look after. My stbx not once gave me a break - kept saying his job was safety critical and he needed his sleep (my job was)! Grandparents were elderly so no help there.

I was exhausted. He would lie on weekends. I didn't. This pattern didn't change. In fact, in every aspect of our lives (home life, careers) it was me that made the effort to, did things and got everything done. It was me who studied as the years went on so that I could apply for promotion and earn us a higher standard of living. He remained in the same job he'd had at 22. See the pattern?

He didn't change. It made my life a misery tbh, even when the children were older. Hence, why the marriage failed in the end. Some men just want a maid.

In my opinion, there is a reason why there are step children in this relationship. He's been an arse in his last relationship. He is lazy.

Boiledbeetle · 29/12/2023 06:59

He's on his third baby so it's strategic incompetence! Going to admit I'd be waking him up every night for every feed so he can learn quicker!

WanderingTheHills · 29/12/2023 07:00

Book yourself into a Premier Inn for a night or two. I'm in one now £37 a night. Lake District.

WanderingTheHills · 29/12/2023 07:03

Oh, and by the way. I returned to work full time after a while (as he just wasn't bringing in enough) and I still had all of the responsibilities...children, school, housework, shopping, bills admin etc.

Stbx took semi retirement at 55 and sits back and enjoys his days off. He has screwed
me in the divorce settlement. I even paid into his pension for years allocating money from my salary for his to pay AVC's.

Meanwhile, I'm still working full time and will have to until my normal retirement age of 67.

They don't change.

Cantbebotheredwithausername · 29/12/2023 07:09

Well, since the step kids are presumably sleeping through the night, there's no good reason he can't still do the night feeds. Except if he expects he needs to sleep half the day? That was the deal with my DH (and most of the DHs in my mat group). He would accept my need to sleep a full night every now and then. I was up most nights, though, and still had to get up in the morning a crack on. When he had done it, though, he'd ask me to look after our son claiming to need some more sleep, and then not get up till past noon. Obviously your DH can't do that with his kids around, but that's just life with a baby, isn't it? You can still have your full night of sleep.

Roselilly36 · 29/12/2023 07:09

That’s not on OP, hand baby over this morning, and stay in bed. He is capable of looking after all his children surely.

rochethenut · 29/12/2023 07:09

WanderingTheHills · 29/12/2023 07:00

Book yourself into a Premier Inn for a night or two. I'm in one now £37 a night. Lake District.

i have never understood this advice

I want to be in my OWN bed, and have a lovely long bath in my OWN bathroom,

and whilst i wanted to have a night off from baby duty…. i was still desperate to see my 10 week old new born in the morning!

rochethenut · 29/12/2023 07:11

WanderingTheHills · 29/12/2023 07:00

Book yourself into a Premier Inn for a night or two. I'm in one now £37 a night. Lake District.

if alone in a premier inn is happier and preferable to being in your own home… then you have some serious shit to deal with

Unabletomitigate · 29/12/2023 07:16

I don't want to bash you at all; but you asked for just one baby free night. One is very close to none. He should have done all the nights when he wasn't working. If his logic is you do all the nights when he is, he does all the nights when he isn't. You both need to sit down and discuss what fair looks like to you. A straight 50/50 doesn't work for working dad/ at home mom. But you both need to feel it is fair and have some time off.
Good luck.

IfYouDontAsk · 29/12/2023 07:18

Whatever you do, don’t have another child with this man. It will be so much harder and he’s already shown that he doesn’t care how exhausted you get and doesn’t feel the need to share the burden with you.

Littlemisscapable · 29/12/2023 07:24

Hmmm sounds familiar.....he is operating at his own (low) standards so technically he is doing what you want but is not reacting fast enough and therefore you are being woken up. Problem is you will wake easily now as you are always on duty and he may never manage to keep the nights undisturbed for you...its tricky because you don't want to become a martyr or spend the whole time bickering about his incompetence and how tired you are... think a night away might be a good idea for a reset.

Brefugee · 29/12/2023 07:25

congratulations on your lovely new baby, OP.

I'll echo what MrsTerryPratchett said - and use this advice for everything going forward: don't ever expect him to read your mind. Tell him in words.

While he is not working i would expect him (as my DH did even when he was working, his choice) to take over every other night so that at least one of us got an unbroken night (i was bf so not really, but i never got out of bed unless i needed the loo)

If you get expectations aired and sorted now it will save a lot of fuss in the future. And since step siblings are involved, make sure that you are not doing loads and loads of extra stuff while your DH sits around when they are around.

Oogieboogiewhoowoo · 29/12/2023 07:28

Hes done that on purpose so you dont ask again. I'd put money on it

What sort of partner is happy to go back to sleep knowing his partner is exhausted and upset. And believe me now, he would of known you were upset and maybe angry. Hes taking the piss out of you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread