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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset with DH - meant to be my night off

170 replies

Tiredmumsclubb · 29/12/2023 03:17

We’ve got a 10 week old baby who wakes around 3 times a night. Baby’s never awake for long, just has a bottle and a cuddle and goes back into cot, always under 30
mins even if they need a nappy change, but the multiple wakes a night is obviously exhausting after almost 3 months.

Since DHs 2 week paternity leave ended I’ve been doing all the night feeds, even on weekends. The most he’s done is take baby when they wake at 7-8am on weekends.

DH is off for 10 days over Christmas, so far I’ve continued doing the nights but I’ve been saying I’d like 1 night off which he’s jokingly moaned about saying he’s not capable etc but it all seemed pretty lighthearted. Tonight was supposed to be the night. Baby woke at 2am - much later than usual! But DH let him grumble and cry in his cot while making his bottle (we’ve got a prep machine in the room so doesn’t need to go downstairs to make a bottle) then went to the loo. Baby wears an owlet sock at night, as baby was moving around so much it couldn’t get a reading for over 2 minutes and the alarm starts going off.

I’m wide awake by this point and have now told him not to bother as this doesn’t count as my full night without the baby.

I always try to keep baby as quiet as possible so he doesn’t disturb him, which is pretty easy as baby is happy and quiet as soon as picked up. I’ve never left baby to cry for over 2 minutes so the alarm goes off - it’s the first time it’s happened! I’ll either wait until baby is settled again or take him with me if I’m desperate for the loo in the night.

We don’t have a spare room and I’m usually a heavy sleeper so didn’t think it would be an issue. We mostly shared the nights while DH was on paternity leave but I had one night and managed to sleep through then.

I’m just so upset I asked for 1 night out of the 10 days and can’t even get that. Step kids are staying this weekend so night off won’t be happening at all now.

DH now snoring away and I’m awake crying, he knows how exhausted I am and after tonight I just feel like he doesn’t care at all.

OP posts:
Simonjt · 29/12/2023 09:22

Ohtobetwentytwo · 29/12/2023 05:48

Depending on his pride and his family, I'd ask him or his mum whether they can stay over one night and she can help her son to give you a break. He might feel embarrassed about not pulling his weight.

I'd make the point again about how quiet you are with baby and that he needs to start doing weekends. If he doesnt stay quiet, you dont stay quiet and everyone loses. He has more at stake than you as he is currently getting 7 nights peace. You have nothing to lose by sinking to his level.

If he "needs help" you can get him up in the week to show him the ropes and how to do it quietly. Talk him through it. Make it painful for him so the easier choice is to do his share.

I can’t see where OP has said her husbands father has died.

Dashel · 29/12/2023 09:22

Why did him doing one night in two weeks seem like a good idea? If he isn’t working for two weeks you alternate an he does Friday and Saturday nights.

Why is it ok for you to function on no sleep 7 days a week? You still have to do childcare 7 days a week and no doubt a lot of other stuff

I would be having a very serious conversation about him not pulling his weight and tbh if he loved you he would value you and want you to sleep so if he values you he will step up if not there is no point in staying with someone who is happy to mistreat you with sleep deprivation

toomuchfaff · 29/12/2023 09:23

This could be the preparation of his weaponized incompetence plea in future... oh I'm so bad at settling baby; you may as well do it.

Get him up and doing the night feeds, rather than you taking over and let him go back to sleep.. after all, all he has to do is make sure you're awake and he gets to go back to sleep! Winner... While he's off, if baby is up; then he's up... til he can do it alone.

He's a parent. He's not working, why is it you doing night feeds?

penelopelady · 29/12/2023 09:24

Why would you tell him not to bother? He was as up as you if not more so and doing the job.
Yes he was a knob but I do find women are as big knobs when it comes to babies and men "not doing it right" he has to find his own way just like you did, his way is not wrong but it is annoying so today show him how to use the prep machine. I hated ours too slow so I used to go to the kitchen and make myself a tea as well while I fed them, husband used the machine.
Tonight let him get on with it and remember in a couple of year you don't get to moan he doesn't do anything because you will not have let him do anything.

Part of you being awake is you are programmed to be awake now get used to a few nights off and you will find it easier to sleep.

Superduper02 · 29/12/2023 09:31

Nip it in the bud now or you'll live to regret it. The end.

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/12/2023 09:32

He sounds useless op

go to a hotel tonight

Vexxa · 29/12/2023 09:42

I have a 14 week old who has also been waking multiple times a night for the first 3 months so I really feel for you. Around the 8 week mark I had very poor mental health from sleep deprivation.
The only way for me to get through it has been to ask DH to take on one of the night feeds so I was only doing 2 rather than 3. Even though he is back to work. It made a real difference. You simply can't keep going with that little sleep for weeks and weeks trying to do it all by yourself.
My baby has only just started sleeping longer stretches, so I hope the end of this period is in sight both for me and for you.

BibbleandSqwauk · 29/12/2023 09:44

@penelopelady he can do it his own way but that way has to include being quick enough and quiet enough that the OP isn't woken. If she's asleep she won't be able to tell him he's doing it "wrong" but that's not what he's trying to achieve is it..it absolutely sounds like weaponised incompetence, bit just differing styles.

turkeymuffin · 29/12/2023 09:45

Ohtobetwentytwo · 29/12/2023 05:50

He is weaponising his incompetence so weaponise your competence. Drag him out of bed and show him how you do it quietly until he can do it himself. Dig your heels on or you'll be default parent forever.

Or more likely you'll get sick of his lack of effort and kick him out like the ex clearly has. No doubt he's told you all about how terrible or crazy his ex his, but the chances are she had to put up with this shit from him too.

wronginalltherightways · 29/12/2023 09:51

Tiredmumsclubb · 29/12/2023 03:34

Thanks all, I will speak to him in the morning but he takes a bit of a backseat with the baby when step kids are here so they don’t feel pushed out/jealous of the baby (they are early teens) so I think the opportunity for a night off has passed.

I suppose I could stay at my mums but I’ve not been away from baby yet and not sure I’m ready to be a 30 min drive away :(

You need sleep.

Go to your mum's tonight. Get a solid night's sleep. He'll manage.

Crunchymum · 29/12/2023 09:52

When is he back to work? Make him fit in a night before he goes back.

cansu · 29/12/2023 09:54

It is deliberately incompetence. Of course he could take the baby so he doesn't cry and wake you. Of course he could get the bottle ready promptly. He didn't because he would rather you woke up or he didn't care if you did. He would prefer you to carry on doing it.

howshouldibehave · 29/12/2023 09:59

The step kids would have no idea who was up and did the night feeds to be jealous about!? Was it his idea to be ‘hands off’ when they are around!?

I bet his first wife could tell you a few stories about his parenting.

converseandjeans · 29/12/2023 10:01

I don't know if you to a dream feed. We used to do this around 10.30pm & it would probably mean one less wake up.

Also we used room temperature milk so it didn't need to be heated up at night. Bottle was just ready to use & didn't need any preparation in the night.

I was back at work at 4 months & so was really focused on getting them to sleep through. It is possible but just means a strict routine.

That all said he needs to do alternate nights. I don't think step children being there should have any impact on this.

If he's useless at night then maybe ask for a lie in/full morning off. Or maybe he takes baby out all afternoon with step children. I know that isn't solving the problem but it's a compromise.

Where will baby sleep long term? It sounds like you have no spare room. Mine were in own rooms early on - I know it's not recommended. However you could put baby in its room & ask DH to sleep on floor in there?

Esmerelda2024 · 29/12/2023 10:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

sickbucket67 · 29/12/2023 10:03

I can’t imagine bottle feeding and allowing a man to mug me off in this way?

I was cluster feeding through the night at this stage, and my husband was still getting up and doing the nappy change or filling up my water bottle. He had no way of feeding the baby, but he still tried to be of some
use.

this man is happy to watch you BREAK

Yesididntdothat · 29/12/2023 10:10

If you drove to your mum's with your baby, would she be happy enough to do feeds so you could sleep? I imagine she would.
I think this might be a good response to his failure to give you a night off, as it shows you really were counting on the break and need it, whether it comes from him or someone else. With added element of hopefully embarrassing him into being more helpful.

Enko · 29/12/2023 10:10

Op your husband has more than one child. So he has to parent more than one child. He doesn't get to not parent one as others are around .

His turn at least 1 night every weekend. And his turn again tonight and until he gets good at it.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 29/12/2023 10:13

What a selfish, selfish man. Absolutely pathetic from him.

Stompythedinosaur · 29/12/2023 10:15

He's a selfish, lazy arse.

That is all.

He should, as a bare minimum, be doing 50% of all nights where he doesn't have to work the next day.

He sounds like a shitty dad and a shitty partner.

Jennyjojo5 · 29/12/2023 10:19

Ohtobetwentytwo · 29/12/2023 08:45

@Jennyjojo5 because clearly she has failed if he is this useless so her job isnt done.

Ah right so now we are gonna blame HIS mum for his weaponised incompetence???! Oh my f’ing god 🤦‍♀️ I give up with some of you women, I really really do

HarrietStyles · 29/12/2023 10:38

Today go buy some ear-plugs and he has another go tonight. You sleep in another room, with ear-plugs in. However much crashing and banging he makes, ignore him and do not get out of bed. Do not let him get away with weaponised incompetence. He should have been doing 50% of everything baby and house related while he was off work for a fortnight. And then he should be ready to step up and do the overnight shift every Friday night going forwards.

369damnshesfine · 29/12/2023 10:48

I voted YABU as he was up with the baby and you told him not to worry about it.

Yes your sleep was disturbed (which I would have been so annoyed about) but I would have still let him get on with it and just gone back to sleep.

He’s essentially got away with not needing to do it because he did a crap job.

Just tell him that if the baby starts crying he needs to pick them up straight away, as that’s what you do so it doesn’t disturb him.

I would try it again tonight and if he does it again then you do the same until he gets the message.

Tbh I can’t see how you wouldn’t wake up when you hear the baby cry anyway, as it’s your instinct to do so if you do it every other night.

I personally would sleep on the sofa downstairs/in a different room or get a blow up mattress and so the noise is muffled.

Tilllly · 29/12/2023 10:54

Yesididntdothat · 29/12/2023 10:10

If you drove to your mum's with your baby, would she be happy enough to do feeds so you could sleep? I imagine she would.
I think this might be a good response to his failure to give you a night off, as it shows you really were counting on the break and need it, whether it comes from him or someone else. With added element of hopefully embarrassing him into being more helpful.

Or his mum's...

LittleOwl153 · 29/12/2023 10:57

The step kids are no excuse. He does tonight properly or tomorrow night you go to your mums and leave him to it. And I'd tell him that. Don't give him the choice you need to catch up. Exhaustion/sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

And once you catch up you need a better plan going forward. Look at your usual timings I used to go to bed before my dh so he stayed up to give baby her last feed meaning I got something like 9.30/10ish till 2.30ish uninterrupted. He kept her downstairs for this. He brought her up and went to bed about midnight/1am. I then did the early mornings away from the bedroom so fh could sleep in. But you need to find something that works with your timings... not something that gives him excuses.