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Original poster

So upset with DH - meant to be my night off

170 replies

Tiredmumsclubb · 29/12/2023 03:17

We’ve got a 10 week old baby who wakes around 3 times a night. Baby’s never awake for long, just has a bottle and a cuddle and goes back into cot, always under 30
mins even if they need a nappy change, but the multiple wakes a night is obviously exhausting after almost 3 months.

Since DHs 2 week paternity leave ended I’ve been doing all the night feeds, even on weekends. The most he’s done is take baby when they wake at 7-8am on weekends.

DH is off for 10 days over Christmas, so far I’ve continued doing the nights but I’ve been saying I’d like 1 night off which he’s jokingly moaned about saying he’s not capable etc but it all seemed pretty lighthearted. Tonight was supposed to be the night. Baby woke at 2am - much later than usual! But DH let him grumble and cry in his cot while making his bottle (we’ve got a prep machine in the room so doesn’t need to go downstairs to make a bottle) then went to the loo. Baby wears an owlet sock at night, as baby was moving around so much it couldn’t get a reading for over 2 minutes and the alarm starts going off.

I’m wide awake by this point and have now told him not to bother as this doesn’t count as my full night without the baby.

I always try to keep baby as quiet as possible so he doesn’t disturb him, which is pretty easy as baby is happy and quiet as soon as picked up. I’ve never left baby to cry for over 2 minutes so the alarm goes off - it’s the first time it’s happened! I’ll either wait until baby is settled again or take him with me if I’m desperate for the loo in the night.

We don’t have a spare room and I’m usually a heavy sleeper so didn’t think it would be an issue. We mostly shared the nights while DH was on paternity leave but I had one night and managed to sleep through then.

I’m just so upset I asked for 1 night out of the 10 days and can’t even get that. Step kids are staying this weekend so night off won’t be happening at all now.

DH now snoring away and I’m awake crying, he knows how exhausted I am and after tonight I just feel like he doesn’t care at all.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 29/12/2023 08:25

DH is off for 10 days over Christmas, so far I’ve continued doing the nights but I’ve been saying I’d like 1 night off which he’s jokingly moaned about saying he’s not capable etc but it all seemed pretty lighthearted.

  1. If he's off for 10 days why would he only (grudgingly) do one night? He should be volunteering to do five! More seriously, why didn't you ask for 50:50?
  1. The fact he jokes about not being capable makes it very clear that he's indeed - consciously! - deploying weaponized incompetence. I'd be seriously unimpressed.
  1. As pp. state, the fact the step kids are there is neither here nor there since they'll be sleeping at night.
ClairDeLaLune · 29/12/2023 08:27

So he’s useless at dealing with a baby despite already having had 2 kids? I wonder why his first wife divorced him 🤔

ACynicalDad · 29/12/2023 08:29

Any step kids excuses should be met with the response that it wouldn’t have been an issue if he did it right first time, and it will carry on until you have a full night.

Brefugee · 29/12/2023 08:33

Vinrouge4 · 29/12/2023 08:12

Take the baby and go to your mums for a few days. Let him deal with his kids. Maybe your mum can look after him during the day while you catch up on sleep

and along with the suggestion that DHs mum comes and "helps him" now OPs mum should do it? Are women always responsible for all babies?

He must step up. If OP goes to her mum she really ought to just leave the baby with its father.

NearlyMonday · 29/12/2023 08:37

He must step up. If OP goes to her mum she really ought to just leave the baby with its father.

This!

BibbleandSqwauk · 29/12/2023 08:37

My ex was like this..on nights that were his turn he'd
A) take ages to hear the baby and actually wake up
B) stumble about finding slippers
C) bang around the kitchen looking for a clean bottle etc
D) be impatient with the baby so took longer for them to settle.
All resulted in me bring wide awake so utterly pointless. When I did it I would have prepped everything, laid out a clean bottle etc so I knew everything was ready and all was done and dusted in virtual silence in 20 mins.
In the end though, our solution was that I did middle of the night but he got up early with baby (around 5 usually) and took them downstairs so I got to lie in both weekend days and on the days we worked, I'd sleep til about 6.30. Every household works differently but the solution is not you doing it all.

ringmybe11 · 29/12/2023 08:38

You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. My husband did the odd night at the weekend when DS was newborn after he'd gone back to work when I needed a break. If you could go to your mums why don't you plan to do that and tell him - he'll then realise how serious you are about needing a break. You either get to go to your mums or he'll realise he needs to do more and step up and let you have some longer rest at home. Sleep deprivation is the worst - hopefully your baby will start to have some longer stretches soon too

Ohtobetwentytwo · 29/12/2023 08:45

@Jennyjojo5 because clearly she has failed if he is this useless so her job isnt done.

whyhere · 29/12/2023 08:50

Tilllly · 29/12/2023 04:51

What @MrsTerryPratchett said

Or seriously, come 3pm, hand over baby and bugger off to a premier inn
Have a long shower/ bath, meal deal, early night, lie in, breakfast
Come back refreshed

I think what would worry me is that baby might just be left to cry/not managed in the way baby is used to, setting up problems for the future. DH doesn't sound very reliable.

ImustLearn2Cook · 29/12/2023 08:54

@Tiredmumsclubb It’s perfectly normal not to feel ready to leave the baby yet, so you do what works best for you. It’s awful that he has treated you this way. I hope that he is genuinely sorry and actually makes it up to you and gives you more than just one night off. You absolutely deserve to be treated better than that. 💐

NewYearNewMeBullshit · 29/12/2023 08:56

Another fucking useless twat of a husband

olympicsrock · 29/12/2023 08:58

He should be doing at least one of the feeds every night. For you to be exhausted is crazy.

StephanieSuperpowers · 29/12/2023 09:03

Ridiculous behaviour for a grown adult with three children. You'd think he'd be ashamed to be unable to care for his child, just basic care. It doesn’t even take brains and expertise, just a basic willingness. If he is doing this in other areas of your joint life, OP, he'd be looking down the barrel of a second divorce if he were married to me.

He should be embarrassed and offering to do it tonight. What a way to treat someone he theoretically cares about.

I'd be furious. Furious.

Snowdogsmitten · 29/12/2023 09:04

NewIdeasToday · 29/12/2023 04:16

The step kids won’t know who does the night feeds, so there is absolutely no reason that he can’t.

He may be lacking in confidence to look after the baby but the only way to overcome that is to practice.

So ask him to do at least one night over the weekend.

Practice?! He has three kids! OP only has one and has it all figured out by ten weeks. Come on.

KevinMcAllistereatsyellowsnow · 29/12/2023 09:09

Two words for you.
Premier Inn.

Book a night at your nearest one. Take a bath, read a book and have a good nights sleep.

StephanieSuperpowers · 29/12/2023 09:10

Snowdogsmitten · 29/12/2023 09:04

Practice?! He has three kids! OP only has one and has it all figured out by ten weeks. Come on.

Show quote history

Yep. The excuses for this selfish man child are shocking. Willing to leave an infant in distress and deprive his wife of a rest in a show of malicious compliance that would embarrass a teenager and still queues to find reasons why he couldn't just feed a baby and get back to sleep like a normal parent.

PurpleBugz · 29/12/2023 09:11

Tiredmumsclubb · 29/12/2023 03:34

Thanks all, I will speak to him in the morning but he takes a bit of a backseat with the baby when step kids are here so they don’t feel pushed out/jealous of the baby (they are early teens) so I think the opportunity for a night off has passed.

I suppose I could stay at my mums but I’ve not been away from baby yet and not sure I’m ready to be a 30 min drive away :(

Step kids won't be impacted by their dad getting up for baby in the night when they're are asleep.

I would tell him you were crying with exhaustion ask him what he's going to fo to change this going forward. Then I would go stay with family to get your sleep.

If you don't force him to step up now baby won't be happy with him and you will end up doing it because baby won't settle for him

Lalalanding · 29/12/2023 09:12

Sleep in another room and let him do it his way. While I recognise it isn’t perfect, no part of child rearing ever is. Just let him do it.

Frangipanyoul8r · 29/12/2023 09:12

I breast fed so never had a night off. But did have lots of time off with DH taking the baby for a walk or giving the odd bottle in the day so I could have time to myself now and again. I’d say it’s less about this one night and more about how much he is helping you generally. If you’re at breaking point in tears it sounds like he’s generally not pulling his weight.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 29/12/2023 09:15

OP, his children will be sleeping in the night so of course he can still get up with baby and give you a lie in, then go back to normal once you’re up. He is taking the piss!

Though him taking a back seat sounds like the norm all the time to be honest. I’d nip it in the bud now. He is a dad to 3 kids.

Cranberriesandtea · 29/12/2023 09:17

Women continue to breed with horrible men, the world goes on...

TheMamaYo · 29/12/2023 09:17

You know he has done it this way so that you take over and ‘not bother’ next time? He is more than capable, but why would he if he knows you’ll pick up the slack?
Let him deal with it, or you’re not going to be able to backtrack on this.
Ffs.

He is a grown man. Treat him as such. This pretend and learned helplessness is utter bullshit.

TrashedSofa · 29/12/2023 09:20

In your shoes, I'd screw up my courage and go to your mum's.

Your DH doesn't want to do any nights and fundamentally doesn't think he should have to. Hence the 'jokey' moaning and having to have the 1 night in 10 extracted from him. The incompetence was deliberate. If he'd been keen to help you get some rest and just fucked up, it would be more worth working on, but that's not what happened. So he needs the choice removing from him.

For that reason, I think you need to not only go to your mum's but make a regular thing of it. For your baby's sake as well as your own.

Dotcheck · 29/12/2023 09:20

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2023 03:27

DH now snoring away and I’m awake crying, he knows how exhausted I am and after tonight I just feel like he doesn’t care at all.

Tell him exactly that. Say, "DH I want you to know that I was awake crying with exhaustion because I didn't get to sleep through. I need a night off. I feel dreadful and needed help. Please tell me what you will do so that I can get a night off." And then let him speak.

Be calm, honest and firm.

Agree with this. Don’t have lighthearted conversations

Simonjt · 29/12/2023 09:20

Vinrouge4 · 29/12/2023 08:12

Take the baby and go to your mums for a few days. Let him deal with his kids. Maybe your mum can look after him during the day while you catch up on sleep

Oh thats sad to hear that OPs mother is a widow.