Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset with DH - meant to be my night off

170 replies

Tiredmumsclubb · 29/12/2023 03:17

We’ve got a 10 week old baby who wakes around 3 times a night. Baby’s never awake for long, just has a bottle and a cuddle and goes back into cot, always under 30
mins even if they need a nappy change, but the multiple wakes a night is obviously exhausting after almost 3 months.

Since DHs 2 week paternity leave ended I’ve been doing all the night feeds, even on weekends. The most he’s done is take baby when they wake at 7-8am on weekends.

DH is off for 10 days over Christmas, so far I’ve continued doing the nights but I’ve been saying I’d like 1 night off which he’s jokingly moaned about saying he’s not capable etc but it all seemed pretty lighthearted. Tonight was supposed to be the night. Baby woke at 2am - much later than usual! But DH let him grumble and cry in his cot while making his bottle (we’ve got a prep machine in the room so doesn’t need to go downstairs to make a bottle) then went to the loo. Baby wears an owlet sock at night, as baby was moving around so much it couldn’t get a reading for over 2 minutes and the alarm starts going off.

I’m wide awake by this point and have now told him not to bother as this doesn’t count as my full night without the baby.

I always try to keep baby as quiet as possible so he doesn’t disturb him, which is pretty easy as baby is happy and quiet as soon as picked up. I’ve never left baby to cry for over 2 minutes so the alarm goes off - it’s the first time it’s happened! I’ll either wait until baby is settled again or take him with me if I’m desperate for the loo in the night.

We don’t have a spare room and I’m usually a heavy sleeper so didn’t think it would be an issue. We mostly shared the nights while DH was on paternity leave but I had one night and managed to sleep through then.

I’m just so upset I asked for 1 night out of the 10 days and can’t even get that. Step kids are staying this weekend so night off won’t be happening at all now.

DH now snoring away and I’m awake crying, he knows how exhausted I am and after tonight I just feel like he doesn’t care at all.

OP posts:
JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 29/12/2023 11:01

What an absolute tosser you have saddled yourself with.

Unless you want a life as a downtrodden martyr you need to make sure that your husband now has his turn every night until he does it properly.

Each time it is his turn and he wakes you he gets the next day until you get a decent sleep. Do not be drawn in by his shitty plan. Do not believe that he is just a bumbling fool who doesn't know what he's doing. This is a cynical plan to ensure you run around after the whole family, don't be sucked in.

Do not give up your job or allow your career to be sidetracked, you will regret it when you finally get sick of having an extra overgrown baby.

Make sure that when you are ready to return to work you transfer at least the last month of mat leave to your husband so he has plenty of time to get to grips with looking after the baby solo otherwise you will forever be the default parent.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 29/12/2023 11:06

converseandjeans · 29/12/2023 10:01

I don't know if you to a dream feed. We used to do this around 10.30pm & it would probably mean one less wake up.

Also we used room temperature milk so it didn't need to be heated up at night. Bottle was just ready to use & didn't need any preparation in the night.

I was back at work at 4 months & so was really focused on getting them to sleep through. It is possible but just means a strict routine.

That all said he needs to do alternate nights. I don't think step children being there should have any impact on this.

If he's useless at night then maybe ask for a lie in/full morning off. Or maybe he takes baby out all afternoon with step children. I know that isn't solving the problem but it's a compromise.

Where will baby sleep long term? It sounds like you have no spare room. Mine were in own rooms early on - I know it's not recommended. However you could put baby in its room & ask DH to sleep on floor in there?

Or if he's useless at night he needs more practice?

What if the OP was useless at night? Why does her useless husband get a free pass?

Why encourage the OP to be a doormat who is walked all over by a husband who would like to be seen as useless because it is easier than being competent? He isn't useless he's a nasty lazy bastard who need kicking in to touch or kicking out. Don't encourage women to put up with this shit.

Simonjt · 29/12/2023 11:07

Tilllly · 29/12/2023 10:54

Or his mum's...

Show quote history

Or either of their dads. Unless you agree with OPs husband that raising children is a womens responsibility.

pinkfondu · 29/12/2023 11:09

He's doing this on purpose so you do t get a rest and do t ask again.

Tonight is now your night. And if it happens again you sleep out for the next one!

Nevermind31 · 29/12/2023 11:10

So he is not even a first time parent yet he is “incapable “?
I think it is his turn once every weekend until he becomes capable. And if he takes so long for baby to settle then maybe he needs to do it both weekend nights until he learns…

SunRainStorm · 29/12/2023 11:14

Ohtobetwentytwo · 29/12/2023 05:50

He is weaponising his incompetence so weaponise your competence. Drag him out of bed and show him how you do it quietly until he can do it himself. Dig your heels on or you'll be default parent forever.

This

rwalker · 29/12/2023 11:25

So on his first night he made a bottle instead of using prep machine and had a wee before he feeding baby

talk to him I think some of the replies on here aren’t helpful the make assumptions and just Adding fuel to the fire for an already pissed off OP

shalligiveupagain · 29/12/2023 12:18

My ex was like this. He would agree to do it then take that long getting himself out of bed and dealing with whatever was needed that I'd be awake, either in the night or when it was his turn to get up in the morning.

Tell him it's on him again tonight, and every night after until he can do it without disturbing you. Get yourself some earplugs and leave him to figure it out. He is a grown man who has managed to create 3 DC, he should be capable of dealing with them all.

If in the event that he isn't, or has no interest in becoming capable then he probably needs to be an ex too. Best days work I ever did!

Tilllly · 29/12/2023 12:24

Wow @Simonjt
Bit of a reach there

I'm just thinking, tongue in cheek, it might be useful for his mother to know how rubbish he's being....
I know my MIL would've had plenty to say to DH

Ohtobetwentytwo · 29/12/2023 13:09

@Simonjt neither can I. I assume you are making a clever dig about me being sexist for saying ask his mum? Is that right? Well done. I said ask the mum because he clearly hasnt learnt how to father from a capable dad, has he? Do you want to be clever again?

Yesididntdothat · 29/12/2023 13:39

Simonjt · 29/12/2023 11:07

Or either of their dads. Unless you agree with OPs husband that raising children is a womens responsibility.

Show quote history

All this was in response to OP saying she could go to her mum's, who is 25 mins away.
no idea if any other parents or in laws exist as she hasn't mentioned them.

ASimpleLampoon · 29/12/2023 13:39

If baby can take a bottle you should check into a hotel for a few nights and leave Him to cope. Best he learns to be a parent asap.

converseandjeans · 29/12/2023 15:01

@JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon

Don't encourage women to put up with this shit.

I didn't? I suggested DH do tonight & potentially sleep on floor in baby's room to give her a break? Also he gives her morning or afternoon peace. That's a weird take on what I suggested!

Emma8888 · 29/12/2023 15:21

Jennyjojo5 · 29/12/2023 08:07

Why do posters keep saying the words that he needs ‘practice’? This is so bizarre! The baby is 3 months old… make the bottle up and feed the baby.. change its nappy. It’s not rocket science! How much practice do you think a mum gets after she gives birth and immediately have to feed and change the baby! She doesn’t, she just cracks on with it.

all these men have jobs; if they used the same weaponised incompetence at work, they’d soon be fired! It’s all utter fakery

He handled the feed etc. what he didn't do is do it the way OP wanted it done (quietly). I confess I'd never have taken the baby with me to pee either, that just sounds like a faff, but if that's what she wants to happen she needs to articulate it. Either accept the way he is doing things, as baby is still getting fed, or use words to explain how you'd like things done differently. Most people don't do things the same way, whether it is making tea, making a bed so why would it automatically be the same making a baby bottle? People wouldn't think twice about telling DH they'd prefer less milk in their tea, same principle.

SpongeBob2022 · 29/12/2023 15:56

OP you need to value yourself more. I don't know where the notion comes from that his sleep is more important than yours. The basic expectation that he does half of all night wakings during 10 days off should just be a given and doesn't make you less of a mum or partner. I don't know any man in real life who would expect to get as much sleep after a baby as they did before!

The middle of the night probably isn't the best time to criticise what he did or have the general discussion but it does need to be had. He needs to step up at weekends as well.

The step kids don't come into it IMO. They won't know what he does overnight. And if he's too tired to engage with them after one night shift then surely that just proves how hard it is for you!

rwalker · 29/12/2023 16:49

Emma8888 · 29/12/2023 15:21

He handled the feed etc. what he didn't do is do it the way OP wanted it done (quietly). I confess I'd never have taken the baby with me to pee either, that just sounds like a faff, but if that's what she wants to happen she needs to articulate it. Either accept the way he is doing things, as baby is still getting fed, or use words to explain how you'd like things done differently. Most people don't do things the same way, whether it is making tea, making a bed so why would it automatically be the same making a baby bottle? People wouldn't think twice about telling DH they'd prefer less milk in their tea, same principle.

Show quote history

This

Bethm1688 · 29/12/2023 16:49

He's a knob and is demonstrating "Weaponised incompetence"!!!!
He has shown he's useless, so you won't ask him again.... he wins and won't get asked again!

I would book yourself a nice night away with a friend/ sister or stay at a friend/sisters house for a girls night! He will have to do it.... and he will because if he wants to sleep, he will have to do everything you do!

rwalker · 29/12/2023 16:51

ASimpleLampoon · 29/12/2023 13:39

If baby can take a bottle you should check into a hotel for a few nights and leave Him to cope. Best he learns to be a parent asap.

He did cope don’t know why people are under the impression he didn’t

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2023 16:54

How is he so bloody useless with 2 older dc?! Did you ever talk to his ex about reasons they split up? Have you had a serious discussion with him today about how exhausted you are?

AuntMarch · 29/12/2023 17:08

Your are only being unreasonable to have such low expectations. Even when he is working he could be doing one a night, or a night a week

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 29/12/2023 17:08

converseandjeans · 29/12/2023 15:01

@JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon

Don't encourage women to put up with this shit.

I didn't? I suggested DH do tonight & potentially sleep on floor in baby's room to give her a break? Also he gives her morning or afternoon peace. That's a weird take on what I suggested!

Your penultimate paragraph, if he's useless at night perhaps she can have a lie in.

Bollox, he needs to step up.

GodDammitCecil · 29/12/2023 17:14

Yesididntdothat · 29/12/2023 10:10

If you drove to your mum's with your baby, would she be happy enough to do feeds so you could sleep? I imagine she would.
I think this might be a good response to his failure to give you a night off, as it shows you really were counting on the break and need it, whether it comes from him or someone else. With added element of hopefully embarrassing him into being more helpful.

Why should her Mum have her sleep interrupted and broken?

He won’t be embarrassed into anything.

He’ll think it’s a brilliant solution. Even less interruption for him.

And now another woman is being hugely inconvenienced, and picking up his slack.

SENDhelp2023 · 29/12/2023 17:28

Were do the step children sleep? You need to be more assertive. Sleep in the sofa and why won’t it happen with SC there?

GodDammitCecil · 29/12/2023 17:40

The OP is long gone from the thread.

She isn’t going to be more assertive.

She’s going to role over and accept the status quo. Meanwhile, the resentment will build up gradually over time.

Friedfriedplantain · 29/12/2023 17:41

rwalker · 29/12/2023 16:51

He did cope don’t know why people are under the impression he didn’t

Show quote history

He absolutely didn't cope. If I fucked around peeing and sorting stuff before I picked my DS up the whole house would be awake. Both were 0-60 screamers from birth, even the midwives in the hospital commented on it.

Leisure to pee and sort stuff out without the baby in his arms would be great for him wouldn't it but it's not actually the task as it requires doing. It is a "faff" to take a baby with you to pee but OP does it so as not to wake her DH. Him letting her be woken up isn't just doing a thing differently, it's doing it so badly that she never gets a break. But that's probably fine by him.