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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset with DP after they upset DD?

320 replies

Violah · 28/12/2023 22:12

Sort of looking for advice on what to do but I think the damage will already be done.

DD13 was measuring her height and weight so that I could work out what size of clothing to order as she wanted a new coat.

She shouted her weight from another room so I could put it into the calculator. DP was astounded she weighed that much (more than him) to which I said before DD came through - do not make a big deal of this.

DD brought the scales through and weighed herself again and he pointed out to DD he weighed less than her.

DD left the room. I went to check on her and she was crying in bed. She pushed me away as I was tried to give her a cuddle. I tried to get across that she needn't worry about his stupid comment. But I know I've felt self-conscious all my life over weight so probably projecting those worries onto her.

I told DP off and I'm upset with him and on DDs behalf.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Bujobug · 29/12/2023 02:57

And you don’t get to be that size without seriously unhealthy mindset around food and just eating too much.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2023 03:04

Bujobug · 29/12/2023 02:56

I didn’t develop because of eating disorders, I could never weight the same as an adult man even if I wanted to which I don’t want to.
i didn’t have periods until I was nearly 16, I had fertility problems, period problems, I’ll probably have osteoarthritis and osteoporosis and god knows what else from being literally starving for most of my late teens and early twenties, the irony is I need to lose weight now and I need to do it without killing myself.
over eating is just as disordered and health damaging as under eating.
a 13 year old girl who weighs the same as an adult man, unless he is unhealthy is probably above a healthy weight that’s just a fact

No, it’s not a fact. It’s an assumption that you and many other have made, based on nothing. You don’t know the height or weight of either DP or DD and without that information it’s supposition, and in your own case, a fair bit of projection.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2023 03:04

Bujobug · 29/12/2023 02:57

And you don’t get to be that size without seriously unhealthy mindset around food and just eating too much.

And so is this.

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 03:07

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2023 03:04

And so is this.

Show quote history

And so is the suggestion that OP stuffs and reward feeds DD.

Bestyearever2024 · 29/12/2023 03:08

You specifically asked her father NOT to comment on her weight, he ignored you and deliberately upset his own daughter. DELIBERATELY made the choice to comment on her weight.

Whether your 13 year old daughter is overweight or he is underweight......THIS is what I find so appalling

What sort of parent deliberately chooses to upset their child?

He is a twat

DotAndCarryOne2 · 29/12/2023 03:09

Bujobug · 29/12/2023 02:57

And you don’t get to be that size without seriously unhealthy mindset around food and just eating too much.

What size ? OP hasn’t mentioned the weight of either DD or DP, except to say that DP is slim. Plenty of men are of slim build and a growing teen will carry weight a lot differently ahead of a growth spurt for example. You’re projecting.

steff13 · 29/12/2023 03:11

DotAndCarryOne2 · 29/12/2023 03:09

What size ? OP hasn’t mentioned the weight of either DD or DP, except to say that DP is slim. Plenty of men are of slim build and a growing teen will carry weight a lot differently ahead of a growth spurt for example. You’re projecting.

Show quote history

I don't see where she used the word slim?

Honeychickpea · 29/12/2023 03:11

Bestyearever2024 · 29/12/2023 03:08

You specifically asked her father NOT to comment on her weight, he ignored you and deliberately upset his own daughter. DELIBERATELY made the choice to comment on her weight.

Whether your 13 year old daughter is overweight or he is underweight......THIS is what I find so appalling

What sort of parent deliberately chooses to upset their child?

He is a twat

Perhaps a parent who realizes his kid needs a serious wake up call?

DotAndCarryOne2 · 29/12/2023 03:15

steff13 · 29/12/2023 03:11

I don't see where she used the word slim?

Show quote history

*Violah · Yesterday 22:22

I dont think she needs to lose weight though. She looks normal to me. She's always been larger framed than other girls her age and so was I growing up.

DP is not small (slightly taller than me and I'm 5.7) as such, but more a slim frame.

I'm broad shouldered and DD takes after me.*

Midnightgrey · 29/12/2023 03:16

She likely is fat. Assuming that she is not a bodybuilder or elite athlete the BMI will tell you. The fact that she was upset is key. I have weighed 50-55 kg my entire adult life and I'm in my 50s. (yes obviously not 13) My youngest son in his 20s who is 5 cm taller than me weighs less than me because he is really skinny. I am not upset - I'm not upset because I'm not overweight for my height. My son would love to weigh more.

My older son has been painstakingly losing some weight. He's a medical student dealing with patients - obviously under supervision - abd knowd there is a family history of heart disease. He's seen enough heart attack survivors (and ones who didn't make it) to decide that what he called his chub had to go. He now has a normal BMI when it crept a bit high before thanks to irregular hours and lack of time for exercise.

Wilfully closing your eyes to an overweight teen's weight does not make them thin. Can you just serve her slightly less food on plates and cut down a bit on available snacks and encourage some family walks. Her dad sounds particularly thick.

steff13 · 29/12/2023 03:17

DotAndCarryOne2 · 29/12/2023 03:15

*Violah · Yesterday 22:22

I dont think she needs to lose weight though. She looks normal to me. She's always been larger framed than other girls her age and so was I growing up.

DP is not small (slightly taller than me and I'm 5.7) as such, but more a slim frame.

I'm broad shouldered and DD takes after me.*

Show quote history

Okay I must be missing it, where is the word slim?

The majority of people are overweight so looking normal to someone is not really a good measure of whether that person is a healthy weight.

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 03:17

Honeychickpea · 29/12/2023 03:11

Perhaps a parent who realizes his kid needs a serious wake up call?

Show quote history

That just isn’t how a sensible, sensitive and responsible parent would go about it. OP, this isn’t of your making. You asked her in a natural, open and healthy way. But sadly I think, given the tears, you do now have a problem to unpick. A few posters have given ideas but honestly I would seek help given what has happened. Eating and body image issues are better prevented than halted once they have taken hold. If you start with your GP you can also get help IF your DD needs to manage her weight.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2023 03:20

Honeychickpea · 29/12/2023 03:11

Perhaps a parent who realizes his kid needs a serious wake up call?

Show quote history

Or perhaps a parent who was shocked to find his DD weighed more than himself because there is nothing in her appearance to suggest a weight problem ?

Bestyearever2024 · 29/12/2023 03:20

Perhaps a parent who realizes his kid needs a serious wake up call?

Oh come on! Serious wake up calls for 13 year old girls, are not handled in this way. Shaming a 13 year old about her weight is NEVER the solution. Long or short term

The OP knows there is some emotion around DDs weight hence the OP warning Twat not to make a thing about it and yet Twat knows best. 🙄

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 03:21

steff13 · 29/12/2023 03:17

Okay I must be missing it, where is the word slim?

The majority of people are overweight so looking normal to someone is not really a good measure of whether that person is a healthy weight.

Show quote history

Ummm … in the second paragraph. Where it has the letters S.L.I. and M in that order🤨🤷‍♂️

DotAndCarryOne2 · 29/12/2023 03:28

steff13 · 29/12/2023 03:17

Okay I must be missing it, where is the word slim?

The majority of people are overweight so looking normal to someone is not really a good measure of whether that person is a healthy weight.

Show quote history

DP is not small (slightly taller than me and I'm 5.7) as such, but more a slim frame.

Second paragraph.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2023 03:34

Don’t think the OP’s coming back. Don’t blame her. This whole thread is one perpetual derail.

CarrotCake01 · 29/12/2023 03:40

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2023 02:46

No. The reason OP hasn’t mentioned DD’s height, weight or clothes size is because she doesn’t want to put sensitive information like that onto an online forum. That, and the blindingly obvious - it wasn’t her DD’s weight she posted for advice on. It was leapt on right from the start and her actual question has been largely ignored in favour of hitting her with a barrage of questions entirely irrelevant to the advice she was asking for. And her partner - who she describes as slim - was ‘astounded’ that DD weighed as much as him. Which to me, indicates that she doesn’t look overweight.

Show quote history

Although it's sensitive information, we're all total strangers and no one has a clue who her or her daughter are. She could post any rough figure and it wouldn't mean a thing to any of us. I don't really see the point of the secrecy personally.

Yeah, her post was about her partner, not her child's weight I get that, but I do think the context and relevance are key factors.
Sure, he was being insensitive and shouldn't have made his comment, particularly in the way that he did, I said I'd also be cross with him saying what he did. However context is important, being an asshole to your teenage daughter and making fun of her / making her unnecessarily self conscious is one thing but if his daughter is unhealthy and obese and in need of some genuine help, he's allowed to feel shocked by this wake up call.

I just got the impression that maybe this is an issue that OP tries to sweep under the rug which ultimately isn't going to help if DD is struggling with her health 🤷🏼‍♀️ OP put this online for the world to see and asked for advice. We only have limited information and have to make some assumptions.

Nanaof1 · 29/12/2023 03:50

Meemawdebs68 · 28/12/2023 23:17

Don’t know how! Googled it and thought I’d done it right- will delete earlier post - sorry everyone!

Please do start your own thread though. You seem sad and in need of support, a hand-hold or a shoulder right now.

Mariposistaa · 29/12/2023 04:01

Bujobug · 29/12/2023 01:29

Nobody knows what’s normal anymore because over 70% of the population are over weight either a little bit to morbidly.
Drop a kid into an early 1990s classroom, 79 % of kids today who’s parents think they are normal and healthy would look like the fat one.
it is normal to
be overweight, that’s the problem, it will never be healthy

Totally this, and being overweight is now acceptable and people are burying their heads in the sand. Yet another case of ‘you’re fine as you are’. Would love to actually see what this child (and adult) look like before everyone says how cruel the comment is!

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 29/12/2023 05:08

I don't appear overweight but I actually am.
Appearance and fitting into clothes isn't the same as being healthy OP.

The few people who know my weight are shocked at the number to the point of not believing me. Have been told my scales are faulty/ I haven't read it properly.

You seem to be sticking your head in the sand over this. Putting her weight and height on here would give you different answers than you want to hear but may be helpful.

It a anonymous so goes to show you're not just sad about the comment but not ready to tackle her weight issue.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/12/2023 05:48

These come up really big op as they are meant to be oversized... The medium of the Molly Mae jacket fit fits about a size 16. Idk how big your dd wants it? https://www.zara.com/uk/en/leather-effect-cropped-biker-jacket-p04341826.html?v1=324595230

As for his comments, I hope you can talk to your dd about it and she can understand the comment was so stupid. My dd is 15 and has consistently been losing weight over the past couple of years. She was high on the centiles as a child and at 13. Some of her friends have filled out having been really skinny children. You really don’t know where your dd will end up and as long as she’s exercising well for her age and eating healthily, your ‘d’p needs to learn to button it.

Justleaveitblankthen · 29/12/2023 06:36

You needed to weigh her before ordering clothes?!

Measuring yes, but what has weight got to do with anything? 🤔

Bookworm1111 · 29/12/2023 07:44

PaperDoIIs · 28/12/2023 23:57

One comment won't cause long lasting damage. It just won't. If it's not just the one comment then you need to talk to him and come to an understanding. If her weight is actually fine,he needs to shut up. If it isn't if he must approach it he needs to do that in a sensitive way or leave it to you.

As for what to tell her , it all very much depends on what she thinks about herself , how she feels about herself and what she wants. This is what you need to find out and focus on and then go from there. Focus on health and fitness. It's just as bad telling her she's fine if she doesn't feel she is as telling her she isn't if she feels she is .It's natural this has upset her, just like any other stupid comment would, especially with a negative comparison.

Show quote history

Yes it can. One very similar comment about my weight at 15 was all it took to send me into a binge eating, yo-yo dieting spiral of which I still feel the effects 30 years later. You cannot be blithely dismissive of the impact here, especially as the DD’s reaction was to burst into tears. She knows what he meant.

I wish I had some advice on how to walk back on what’s happened, @Violah. I don’t know if my dad apologising for the comment he made would’ve made any difference at the time, as I was too focused on being heavier than him. Throwing away the scales could help though. I became obsessed with weighing myself afterward, thinking I was too heavy - if we didn’t have scales I wouldn’t have. My teen DD has never had access to any and has no body issues, thank god.

My heart goes out to your DD. Your DP was a fucking arse to say something when you asked him not to.

Bearbookagainandagain · 29/12/2023 07:59

Have you tried talking to your husband about it? If he made that comment, it might be that he has a different opinion about whether she seems to be at a healthy weight or not. It would be interesting to hear his perspective before doing anything else.

I had weight issues at that age and I agree that your husband shouldn't have made that comment. It's hurtful and damaging for young teens. But the fact is that a 13yo shouldn't weight more than an adult male (unless she is an athlete or something), so it's not unreasonable that he was shocked about it.