To be upset with DP after they upset DD?

[Violah]

Sort of looking for advice on what to do but I think the damage will already be done.

DD13 was measuring her height and weight so that I could work out what size of clothing to order as she wanted a new coat.

She shouted her weight from another room so I could put it into the calculator. DP was astounded she weighed that much (more than him) to which I said before DD came through - do not make a big deal of this.

DD brought the scales through and weighed herself again and he pointed out to DD he weighed less than her.

DD left the room. I went to check on her and she was crying in bed. She pushed me away as I was tried to give her a cuddle. I tried to get across that she needn't worry about his stupid comment. But I know I've felt self-conscious all my life over weight so probably projecting those worries onto her.

I told DP off and I'm upset with him and on DDs behalf.

Any advice?

Is your boyfriend a withered looking hobbit? How is a 13 y/o girl bigger tham him? Lmao!

I've just put Simone Biles' height and weight in a BMI calculator. She is just on the border between normal and overweight. The world's greatest gymnast that is.

OP your partner is a dick, well he might not always be but for this he is. You are right to be upset, and so is your daughter.

What a moronic comment. A teen DD who is tall and stocky and has gained puppy fat in puberty could easily weigh more than a slight, slim man who is only just a bit taller than 5ft 7, which is how OP describes the DP.

Agreed that sizing is very skewed and kids often don’t wear the same age clothing as they are due to differing body proportions. My 3.5 year old still wears 2-3 years clothing and sometimes even 18-24 months clothing! While my 7 year old mostly wears age 7 clothes but as she is tall and skinny she does sometimes wear 8-9 years for leggings etc.

But hand on heart can you say your child is not overweight?! Is her BMI healthy, the range is 18-25. Since you now have her latest height and weight you can calculate it. I always teach my children that when someone says something you don’t like to you, before responding think whether there is any truth to it. If there is, you can take it as feed back and work on it. We don’t always like the things people say to us, but sometimes we need a wake up call.

Also I think if she is overweight then even though your partner has communicated the message in a bad way, you should first comfort her and then help her become the best version of herself. Being overweight will cause more problems with self esteem, confidence etc. as she grows up.

Parents are the worst judges of children's weight. A lot of times they don't want to see the issue at hand. I've worked with people with severely overweight children (they themselves were overweight) who insist that there isn't a problem.

I literally can’t believe the amount of posters saying OP’s daughter must be grossly overweight. Have you never come across a man who is on the thin side? And a woman who is tall and broad? You know the two can exist in unison and be perfectly healthy in their own right? Jesus Christ. Honestly this is the kind of attitude that gives young girls eating disorders, it really is.

@MummyJ36

Yes I have come across adults as you describe.

The op’s daughter is not an adult.

Why would you weigh yourself to work out your clothes size? You don't buy a '10 stone coat'.

Re. slim men, my 5'7 husband weighs 7.5 stone - small frame and not an ounce of fat on him (he has weighed that all his adult life and is now in his 60s). I weighed more than that when I was 13.

You would think so except you see masses of young obese women with their equally obese children walking about. It's OK though as due to body positivity that's fine. 🙄

@Violah why did you ask her father NOT to comment on her weight? This tells me you know there is a bit of an issue.

Your words She's always been larger framed than other girls her age and so was I growing up. Ditto.

I explained earlier in the thread that I don't know what the sizing is like in zara.
Then I found they have a calc where you can put in height and weight and also use a slider scale to put in additional info with regards to how you like the fit- perfect to oversized.
That was the correct coat that someone linked.

When someone asked why would I post here on such a topic. I don't really feel like I had anyone in real life to ask for advice. Is there any nice places I could have gone instead? 🫣

Your DP sounds like a nasty piece of work.

There’s a huge difference though between a child being severely overweight and their size increasing in puberty which naturally correct itself as the teenage years progress. Too many women have issues in later life with yo-yo dieting because they were forced into prescriptive weight loss regimes at a young age when really they just needed to outgrow the puberty weight spurt.

Because I immediately saw his reaction to her weight when she shouted it down from upstairs, and I put myself in her shoes.

I would not have appreciated a comment like that when I was her age. So I warned him not to say anything while I could hear her coming down stairs with the scales.

Zara sizing varies a lot!
my 2 DDs we’re discussing their weight with their male cousin over Christmas. All 3 are between 24 and 26 years old and all weigh the same. Male cousin is just over 6foot and DDs are 5’5” and 5’6”. Cousin is very slim build but sporty. Both girls are fit and healthy and buy size 10/12 clothes. Weight is pretty meaningless unless you look very overweight.

To add, the average weight gain in puberty is 20lbs. Left alone, the weight will eventually dissipate. I wish I had known that when my dad called me fat for weighing more than him as a teen, which pushed me to start the first of many, many diet - the latest of which I started in Oct aged 51. ☹️

Sorry OP but you sound in denial. Yes your partner should have waited until your daughter wasn’t around to bring up the topic but it sounds like something that needs addressing.

weight isn’t just about vanity, this is her health for the rest of her life we’re talking about. Make positive changes now for her future.

Throw the scales out! She doesn’t need to know how much she weighs. Don’t let her get hung up on a number that isn’t reflective of how fit and healthy she can be.

Maybe try to explain to your DD that weight is not a helpful measure in general. My DS is technical borderline obese on BMI scale, this is because he is obsessed with the gym and is incredibly muscled. I can't even get my hand to span his biceps ! So his weight is heavier than normal due to his build as muscle weighs more than fat.
Women can often weigh more than equivalent height men depending on build. It's all very context dependent, how muscly they are, how big boobs are etc.
Same for PP saying she should not be his weight. If you look at her and she looks like a good healthy shape and build and especially if she has a good waist to hip ratio then all good.

This thread was never meant to be about whether or not her daughter is overweight. It is about whether she is unreasonable to be upset with her husband over making an issue of her weighing more than him when OP asked him not to. She also asked how she can try to minimise any effect on her daughter's confidence. OP is NBU to be upset with him. It's difficult to know what best to say to her daughter now. I wouldn't make a big deal of it but just say that he's quite short for a man and everyone carries weight differently.

Ignore posters who think they can diagnose a weight problem from an online comment.

when I was 13 I was already 5 feet 9 inches (I’m now over 6 feet tall). I was easily a head taller than any other child in my year at school (and bloody self conscious about it). I wasn’t overweight but I likely would have weighed more than a 5ft 8 or 5ft 9 man.

Your boyfriend shouldn’t be commenting on your daughter’s weight or appearance at all. It will be hard to undo the damage he has done. He needs to take this very, very seriously.

Some brands have online calculators for fit and they ask this.

I agree that some girls reach that kind of weight at 13. For those who keep saying she’s a child, mentally yes; but some girls really do reach physical maturity around then and most girls are full size by just 15.

Oh thank you. OP wanted helpful advice which she needed fast, and most of what she got was further insults about the girl. She even had a fifty something chirping “I’ve been fifty-something kilos all my life.” As if it’s about her right now …
OP I hope you found the right thing to say but I would look for guidance from someone who is informed as to the best way to support her. I’ve seen too many girls end up with real issues from this sort of situation. It will be doubly tricky if she does need to slow her gain a little.
Until then I think the “ he was just surprised as you don’t appear heavier “ is the most you can do. I’m assuming that’s true given his “ astonishment.”

So she's in larger adult sizes at 13yo then?

Chat to her about body positivity but you need to make some healthier choices for mealtimes from the sounds of it.

Getting her to an appropriate size is going to be more beneficial to her than all the kind words about being big.

I’m sorry Violah: this place should be nice. The problem is some posters come wanting to sink their teeth into someone not give the actual advice asked for.

Just remember none of them have seen your DD. It’s all conjecture.