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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with DP after they upset DD?

320 replies

Violah · 28/12/2023 22:12

Sort of looking for advice on what to do but I think the damage will already be done.

DD13 was measuring her height and weight so that I could work out what size of clothing to order as she wanted a new coat.

She shouted her weight from another room so I could put it into the calculator. DP was astounded she weighed that much (more than him) to which I said before DD came through - do not make a big deal of this.

DD brought the scales through and weighed herself again and he pointed out to DD he weighed less than her.

DD left the room. I went to check on her and she was crying in bed. She pushed me away as I was tried to give her a cuddle. I tried to get across that she needn't worry about his stupid comment. But I know I've felt self-conscious all my life over weight so probably projecting those worries onto her.

I told DP off and I'm upset with him and on DDs behalf.

Any advice?

OP posts:
BalletBob · 29/12/2023 01:46

SemperIdem · 29/12/2023 01:31

Your word salad is so tiresome

Show quote history

Sorry my extremely straightforward comment was too difficult for you 🤷‍♂️

DotAndCarryOne2 · 29/12/2023 01:52

Bujobug · 29/12/2023 01:35

Doesn’t appear to be is different to not.
our whole society perspective is skewed because so many people are so over weight.
like I said, drop your normal looking kid into and early 90s classroom, see if they still
look healthy compared to the norm from 30
yeears ago, probably not, maybe they’ll be the fat kid because people
are obsessed with eating and having snacks all the time

But we’re not talking thirty years ago, we’re talking now. And I would think the average, intelligent parent - as the OP seems to be - is more than capable of determining whether or not their child is overweight.

Supersimkin2 · 29/12/2023 01:53

Some men are very slight. 8 or 9 stone isn’t unusual.

NortieTortie · 29/12/2023 01:56

The only advice I can add to this thread is to never discuss your children's weight on Mumsnet, especially if said child is a dd. It's a cesspit.
Hugs to your girl.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2023 01:57

NortieTortie · 29/12/2023 01:56

The only advice I can add to this thread is to never discuss your children's weight on Mumsnet, especially if said child is a dd. It's a cesspit.
Hugs to your girl.

Couldn’t agree more. Especially on AIBU.

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 02:04

43ontherocksporfavor · 28/12/2023 22:23

He was out of order. He already expressed surprise to you in private and you asked him not to make a deal of it and he did. I’d be furious even if she is overweight, that is not the way to handle it. He needs to apologise to her and perhaps sensitively explain that he was surprised as she didn’t look that heavy. Damage limitation.Then help your DD to be a healthy weight.

I think that suggestion of damage limitation is about as good as it can get now. It’s been said and that’s the closest you will come to it being unsaid. But can I just say: words fail me. And all the people leaping in to question her weight as a first response…? It’s no wonder so many girls struggle with body image. We need to be protecting them from such a negative environment, especially bigger framed girls. Give her a hug from me. I feel terrible for her .

brentwoods · 29/12/2023 02:04

Her dad is a dick -- he can't even blame thoughtlessness because you warned him not to discuss it with her. If he were a boyfriend I would suggest leaving him because he intentionally hurt your daughter, but he intentionally hurt HIS DAUGHTER and she's stuck with him.

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 02:11

Violah · 29/12/2023 01:05

She would be mortified if I took her to the gp to be weighed. She would refuse to come I'm sure.

I like the advice some said here about chatting to her around her being upset over the comment. I feel like those moments where we chat are quite few and far between now as I barely see her what with working shifts, or her being busy in calls with friends or out with them.

It might be challenging to get her to talk to me. But I do make the most of those moments when they happen.

She very much wears what her peers are wearing and she confirmed that this coat from zara is one that some friends at school have. They go shopping to primark together as a group and some buy teenage stuff and some buy adult stuff.
I specifically remember her telling me that one friend in particular is really petite that she has to buy younger child's clothing. So she obviously has compared her size to smaller frames. Girls of the same age won't always fit in the same aged clothing and it's mad to think they all should.

Just look at the sizing inconsistencies in adult clothing even from the same shop. No wonder we feel like crap when stuff doesn't fit.

My younger dd7 is not the same body shape as me or DD13. She has always fitted into the age of clothing same as her age but after a growth spurt I to have to go up a size for length. Neither of my dds follow the average percentiles.

Also noticed with girls clothing they skimp on material. Everything's shorter in the sleeve or fitted round the body compared to boys clothing. Argh rambling on here.

I worry for girls these days with social media being like it is now.

Haven’t you got her weight and measurements now though? You can work it out or ask someone who can. Just please, please don’t approach it ( or let your Dp approach it) by saying: “ omg you are even heavier than a grown man.” There have to be better ways if she is overly heavy. Poor girl.

Bujobug · 29/12/2023 02:15

Has the healthy weight for a human being changed over the last 30 years?
or are we just more used to most of the population being above a healthy weight so our perspective has been skewed?
Fat looks normal, it’s not normal and it’s not healthy.
Eat less, stop forcing your kids finish piles of processed crap and believe when they say they’re full, they don’t need pudding more than once week and definitely not as a treat for eating actual food.

CarrotCake01 · 29/12/2023 02:17

Lets be honest, I think the fact you're avoiding mentioning her weight or clothes size etc indicates that she's probably overweight. You can't blame your partner for being shocked or concerned.

However I agree that it really doesn't sound like he approached the subject in a particularly helpful or sensitive way, so I'd be pretty cross too. There's a way to bring it up and to talk to her about it though and it sounds like now might be the time to do that rather than tip toe around the issue.

Honeychickpea · 29/12/2023 02:18

unvillage · 28/12/2023 23:25

Clearly she is absolutely fine and his comment has made an impact.

OP she is 13. Please nip this in the bud with him - he should not be commenting on her weight. This is how eating disorders start. He's made such a big deal of how little he weighs, as if he's proud of it. Is he OK?

If the daughter in question is already heavier than a grown man, I think the eating disorder is already in existence.

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 02:19

MummyJ36 · 28/12/2023 23:18

I hit puberty early and pretty much weighed the same at 13 than I do now at 37! I was incredibly self conscious about how early I developed and I know a comment like this would have crushed me. OP is DP your DD’s dad? I feel it is a slightly different conversation depending but either way I would make it totally clear that a woman/girls weight is never ever something a male parental figure in her life should be making fun of. It would be wonderful if this wasn’t the type of society we lived in where comments like this hurt so deeply but they do and he needs to recognise this.

My friend reached her final size at 13. I also know girls who reached final weight at 13 (until post pregnancy 🥺😔) but continued to grow taller and lengthen out. All of them have had body images issues throughout their teenage years and adult life because of comments like this. One hid sobbing behind a stack of chairs at a school dance when none of the boys would dance with her because she dwarfed them. She is relatively normal in height once we all caught up, but her self esteem has never fully recovered and she has developed a hunch.

Bujobug · 29/12/2023 02:19

Stop protecting your kids feelings and start protecting them from early onset diabetes and joint disorders, one is not nice, the other will kill them.

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 02:20

Bujobug · 29/12/2023 02:19

Stop protecting your kids feelings and start protecting them from early onset diabetes and joint disorders, one is not nice, the other will kill them.

Or start protecting them in both fronts maybe? !! 🙄

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 02:21

Honeychickpea · 29/12/2023 02:18

If the daughter in question is already heavier than a grown man, I think the eating disorder is already in existence.

Show quote history

Was that a joke?

Honeychickpea · 29/12/2023 02:26

DotAndCarryOne2 · 29/12/2023 01:52

But we’re not talking thirty years ago, we’re talking now. And I would think the average, intelligent parent - as the OP seems to be - is more than capable of determining whether or not their child is overweight.

Show quote history

I disagree. From experience, i find that the average parent chooses to close their eyes and pretend all is well.

Bujobug · 29/12/2023 02:31

I’ve protected my children from both because I’ve not over fed them crap, forced them to eat when they’re full or treated real food as a reward to get junk.
Food is never a treat here it’s just food and some we eat more than others to be healthy.
i would never ever say you won’t get pudding if you don’t gorge yourself on this meal like there is a hierarchy of foods, eat it or don’t pudding is not a magical food you have to earn by eating more than you need or want.
full disclosure I had an eating disorder through most of my teens and into my 20s and the thought of eating or feeding anyone to the pont of ill health makes me feel sick

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 02:37

Bujobug · 29/12/2023 02:31

I’ve protected my children from both because I’ve not over fed them crap, forced them to eat when they’re full or treated real food as a reward to get junk.
Food is never a treat here it’s just food and some we eat more than others to be healthy.
i would never ever say you won’t get pudding if you don’t gorge yourself on this meal like there is a hierarchy of foods, eat it or don’t pudding is not a magical food you have to earn by eating more than you need or want.
full disclosure I had an eating disorder through most of my teens and into my 20s and the thought of eating or feeding anyone to the pont of ill health makes me feel sick

There is nothing in OP’s post to say she stuffs her DD with pudding. And I’m astonished that you had an eating disorder but would say these things. I knew several girls who developed early and were full adult weight by 13. None of them have diabetes now. One of them is dead. From anorexia.

Honeychickpea · 29/12/2023 02:40

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 02:21

Was that a joke?

Show quote history

No, it is an observation that a 13 yr old who is heavier than an adult man almost certainly has an issue with eating. Anorexia is not the only eating disorder.

Bujobug · 29/12/2023 02:40

Over eating to the point of ill health is disordered, funny it’s only us anorexics and bulmics are labelled with disorder.
hard for people to understand when food is everywhere.

eating or feeding others to the point you or they are having health problems or self esteem issues is disordered.
Stop eating or force feeding.
I’ve seen so many parents force feeding kids and threatening no pudding just take one more bite it’s crazy, just leave them alone and stop treating certain foods like they need to be earned, they don’t it’s all just food.

GrannyRose15 · 29/12/2023 02:40

Is it a fact that she weighs more than him? If so then she needs to hear it. There may be better ways of putting it but don’t condemn him for telling the truth.

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 02:42

Bujobug · 29/12/2023 02:40

Over eating to the point of ill health is disordered, funny it’s only us anorexics and bulmics are labelled with disorder.
hard for people to understand when food is everywhere.

eating or feeding others to the point you or they are having health problems or self esteem issues is disordered.
Stop eating or force feeding.
I’ve seen so many parents force feeding kids and threatening no pudding just take one more bite it’s crazy, just leave them alone and stop treating certain foods like they need to be earned, they don’t it’s all just food.

You are doing so much projecting here. Op has said nothing about pudding or force feeding or reward feeding.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/12/2023 02:46

CarrotCake01 · 29/12/2023 02:17

Lets be honest, I think the fact you're avoiding mentioning her weight or clothes size etc indicates that she's probably overweight. You can't blame your partner for being shocked or concerned.

However I agree that it really doesn't sound like he approached the subject in a particularly helpful or sensitive way, so I'd be pretty cross too. There's a way to bring it up and to talk to her about it though and it sounds like now might be the time to do that rather than tip toe around the issue.

No. The reason OP hasn’t mentioned DD’s height, weight or clothes size is because she doesn’t want to put sensitive information like that onto an online forum. That, and the blindingly obvious - it wasn’t her DD’s weight she posted for advice on. It was leapt on right from the start and her actual question has been largely ignored in favour of hitting her with a barrage of questions entirely irrelevant to the advice she was asking for. And her partner - who she describes as slim - was ‘astounded’ that DD weighed as much as him. Which to me, indicates that she doesn’t look overweight.

Calliopespa · 29/12/2023 02:51

Honeychickpea · 29/12/2023 02:40

No, it is an observation that a 13 yr old who is heavier than an adult man almost certainly has an issue with eating. Anorexia is not the only eating disorder.

Show quote history

Some girls reach full adult size by their early teens. The majority of girls ( not boys) have stopped growing altogether by 15. If the Op’s DD is destined to have her mums build she could very well be heavier than a slight man. And anorexia is not the only eating disorder, but it is a killer. I know someone who had just such a build at that age who has been dead for many years because of these sorts of observations about her early development.

Bujobug · 29/12/2023 02:56

I didn’t develop because of eating disorders, I could never weight the same as an adult man even if I wanted to which I don’t want to.
i didn’t have periods until I was nearly 16, I had fertility problems, period problems, I’ll probably have osteoarthritis and osteoporosis and god knows what else from being literally starving for most of my late teens and early twenties, the irony is I need to lose weight now and I need to do it without killing myself.
over eating is just as disordered and health damaging as under eating.
a 13 year old girl who weighs the same as an adult man, unless he is unhealthy is probably above a healthy weight that’s just a fact