To be upset with DP after they upset DD?

[Violah]

Sort of looking for advice on what to do but I think the damage will already be done.

DD13 was measuring her height and weight so that I could work out what size of clothing to order as she wanted a new coat.

She shouted her weight from another room so I could put it into the calculator. DP was astounded she weighed that much (more than him) to which I said before DD came through - do not make a big deal of this.

DD brought the scales through and weighed herself again and he pointed out to DD he weighed less than her.

DD left the room. I went to check on her and she was crying in bed. She pushed me away as I was tried to give her a cuddle. I tried to get across that she needn't worry about his stupid comment. But I know I've felt self-conscious all my life over weight so probably projecting those worries onto her.

I told DP off and I'm upset with him and on DDs behalf.

Any advice?

…and actually some of the most determined sound as though they have had and still have their own eating issues. Which in itself rather goes to prove the point that you are not AIBU .

He's an arse.

But I have to ask why you need her weight to buy a coat.....don't you use a tape measure for boob size?

Have a look at a few of the websites. Several have size calculators. If you order more than one size or change the size in your basket the calculator function can pop up quite insistently. You can’t just say “ oh but you just need my boob size” to it so sometimes it is easier to just answer. I don’t, fwiw, because I think many of these sites are overly keen to get people’s personal info.

Zara calc

@Violah - have you decided what to say to your husband? Will he be apologising to his daughter?

Perhaps. Some men are.

The Zara calculation is a red herring OP. Everyone understands the concept. The issue is your daughter is overweight and you are in denial.

You know the DD is overweight for a fact do you? Wow, you must tell us how we can also get the power to look through a computer/phone screen into someone's house to make such a definitive statement! You're a marvel!

well, I don’t know for sure but unless DD is pushing 6ft and DH is a beanpole, then yes she is overweight. It’s interesting that OP won’t post the weight either as she knows it is excessive.

He did message her after she went away crying to ask her to come down and they'd speak about it. But she didn't want to as was upset.

Got visitors today. Will bring it up later.

No it isn't. People's perceptions of healthy weight are very warped. I used to be what I thought of as a bit overweight maybe a half stone or so. Until by chance I weighed myself and realised I was in the obese weight category.

RTFT again. OP said her DP is only just taller than her and she's 5ft 7 and he's slim and slight. It wouldn't take much for a tall teen who is broader in shoulder, which OP says their DD is, to weigh more.

And I don't blame OP for not wanting to broadcast her teen's weight given other details in the post are identifying.
It's none of anyone's business but theirs, especially when posters like you are itching to jump on it and declare her fat.

I hope she's okay. God knows what he can say to make this right though. It's the kind of comment that cuts deep as a teenage girl and he should've bloody well known better, especially since you warned him not to say anything.

That's awful. This should be a priority. Did he even apologise? I'm not surprised she didn't come to talk to him if she was being summoned, why could he not make any effort there?

Prioritise the child, not the visitors

Your husband has a bmi of 17. He is significantly underweight and not a reasonable yardstick. If ops partner was very underweight I’m sure that would have been mentioned in her post.

Your husband was unkind particularly after you told him to not say anything.

however, was that his clumsy way of being shocked and worried for her? From your postings it sounds like she’s fat and you are trying to convince yourself she’s just broad shouldered. She won’t thank you in the long run for that. At 13 she still has time to build better habits.

The comments on this thread are disgusting. Fat phobia is alive and well.
OP your partner had absolutely no right whatsoever to be making comments about your teenage DD’s body. Abusive behaviour that is deeply harmful. He needs to understand that this must never happen again. Meanwhile you need to work on rebuilding your Dads confidence.
Regarding her size- just make sure she is eating a healthy , balanced diet and getting regular exercise in whatever form. Ignore the numbers on the scales x

Exactly

BMI can also give some weird results as it ignores things like bone density. I’ve always had a small frame and small, light bones ( trouble coming for me no doubt ). I had a friend who had big bones ( you could visually see her collar bone etc was bigger than mine. I always did much “better” on the BMI front but my honest self could see it was warped.

100%. It’s a massively outdated and unhelpful metric. It has no place in modern medicine.

https://digital.nhs.uk/data-and-information/publications/statistical/health-survey-for-england/2021/part-4-trends#:~:text=For%20more%20information%3A%20Table%206,to%2072.1kg%20among%20women.

In 2021, the mean weights of men and women based on adjustments to self-reported weight were 85.1kg and 71.8kg, respectively.
Based on measured values, mean weight between 1993 and 2019 increased from 78.9kg to 85.4kg among men, and from 66.6kg to 72.1kg among women.

The general population has grown, and obesity is more prevalent. Also, the figures show that men are heavier than women across the population. There are of course women who are heavier than men however the stats show this isn't common.
Back to the op, yes you have a right to be annoyed, DP should apologise, he also needs to be aware that this topic needs more sensitivity. Especially amongst teenage girls.

Tell your partner there's no law that says women have to be teeny tiny waifs in comparison to big strong men. As a small man he should know this already, and needs to be told to take care not to project any issues he may have with his own size on to his DD. If your DD is OW that may be something to address, but not by comparison with her smaller than average father.

What? He merely made an observation.

Given that the average man is 4/5 inches taller than the average woman don't these figures suggest that for a man and woman of the same height there wouldn't be much difference in their weight on average and that it's fairly likely that a woman two or three inches taller than a man would weigh more than him?

Honestly OP, your partner needs to reflect on this, apologise and say that he was surprised as she looks a lot lighter.

If he continues to make comments like this they will stick and she may cut contact with him. My dad said I was "fucking ugly" once when I was 10. He was in a raging bad mood. I don't have self esteem issues now but I also don't speak to him (for other reasons too). That comment has stuck with me for 30 years.