AIBU to start an official inquiry into a missing biscuit

[Mañanarama]

Ok. Long and lighthearted (ish) story short. I was given some beautiful hand made biscuits this Christmas. Only five of them, beautifully wrapped, especially for me. Put in my xmas treat bag (we have a bag each) in the living room.

Some fucker has eaten one.

Order of suspicion:

1. Daughter, because I know she loves them, and she has previous for theft (of treats). But, she’s an appalling liar.
2. Husband, he likes them but he’s not likely to be stupid enough to eat one because he understands the specialness.
3. Son. Greedy teenager prone to minor fibs, but he wouldn’t like these and is suspicious about trying new things.
4. The cat. Has never ever stolen human food. Would not think to clear crumbs up or conceal evidence.

They all flat deny it.
I’m annoyed.
Not because of the biscuit but because of the lie.

AIBU to call the rozzers remove some of their treats until the culprit confesses?

This would annoy me because of the lie. Before you start taking fingerprints, DNA samples and get the strong lamp out to put the screws on them during interrogation......are you sure it isn't there or has fallen out of the bag, or that it was ever there, or that you haven't eaten it yourself ?

It's the daughter.

What techniques do you have in mind to get the truth?

I think it's the cat. He is using his previous form for sloppiness and not hiding evidence to clear himself and point the blame at the others.

Agreed.

Have you talked to her on her own about it?

The cat has been biding it’s time.

Inform your devious, awful family (each of whom is probably guilty of some other horrendous misdeeds, if not this) that you unwrapped the biscuits earlier to look at them, and accidentally sneezed big globs of snot onto them all. And see who looks the most worried.

Assuming you're not given to sleepwalking/snacking, have you employed all the reasonable tactics? You know, sniffing their breath, watching for signs of decreased appetite, leaping out from behind doors and shining a torch in their eyes while screaming 'WAS IT YOU?'

My cat has been known to unwrap a slice of cake, take cake to a different room and leave no evidence. She also likes bread and biscuits but she's quite weird. Biscuits/cakes cannot be left on a baking rack to cool unattended or she will nibble them.
I suspect the cat. Or DH.

I have rigorously searched the bag and surrounding areas for the biscuit or hard evidence of it’s demise.

I have also searched my soul to see if I’ve accidentally eaten it. Conclusion: I have not.

Did you eat it in your sleep?

Cats are sneaky fuckers!! Ours drew all over our hall wall with a biro once. I know it’s true because our then 3 year old told me so.

So far: pleading, bribery, threats, faux tears. Even played the disappointment card. Nada.

Not the cat.
Husband is innocent.
Boys are not so fussed about hand painted biscuits.

It’s definitely the daughter.

Get your four remaining biscuits out now and slowly lick each one, in front of your family, before putting them back until you want them.

Tell them all that if it was them and they own up they can have another one.

I would subscribe to this true crime podcast

When you say 'beautifully wrapped' - were they individually wrapped? Might there be evidence of the wrapping of the stolen biscuit in the house somewhere?

Have you looked for the wrapper? Outside bin, kids room bins? In the sofa? You tube how to take a finger print with household items...etc

It would be my son as he just can’t seem to help himself sometimes. But it sounds like it could be your daughter.

My money’s on the cat. I once blamed my ex-boyfriend for taking my favourite chocolate out of a box, biting it in half and leaving half neatly on the carpet. He strenuously denied responsibility and it was only when I found a couple of tell-tale hairs on the discarded half that I realised he wasn’t the culprit.
The astonishing thing was the cat managed to take a chocolate from the box while we were sitting there eating them without us noticing.

Reasons why it’s not the cat:

He has never stolen food, not even meat or fish left out in the kitchen. Don’t get me wrong, I know cats who’ve demolished curries, whole chickens, yoghurts… but he just wouldn’t / hasn’t / doesn’t. I mentioned him as the only other household entity capable of eating, and to ward off future drip feeding accusations.

Also, he is my favourite and I am his and he would not break my heart this way.

#Me&cat4eva

Definitely not the cat. Cats would not take a whole, wrapped biscuit and scoff it, and even if they nibbled it would leave clues- crumbs, crumbs on whiskers, return to scene of crime.

I think DD or (2nd choice) DH. My DH would pinch a biscuit and think it was a silly thing to do, mean to tell me, forget and then admit it, looking about 5.

DS2 (4) would admit it but minimise like he did when he was caught with chocolate coin wrappers at breakfast the other day and explained 'I just had just a little few mummy'. He had at least 6 big ones.

DD (6) can maintain a face of innocence for a long time but giggles eventually.
DS1 (9) would just admit it.

This is an important question. They were wrapped as a five. I had already eaten one last night. I have forensically checked the wrapping and, as I thought, there are indentations for five. There are three left. Well, two now as I’ve just eaten one as a comfort biscuit.

This made me literally laugh out loud 🤣

Are you sure there were five? Did the gift giver scoff one before handing them over?