To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

[Lospecesenelrio]

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

Your son is an adult and behaving like a spoiled brat and if he threatened me by saying he'd leave if I didn't do what he wants, I'd say you must do what you think is best, he'd soon come running back with his tail between his legs.
What a brat.

Come off it, he's barely out of childhood and he is entitled to have feelings too, you know.

There's clearly something deep-rooted here and his discomfort has now emerged in his objections to his stepsister calling his mother, "mum"!!

At 19 years old, he needs to get a grip.

First up: your little SD sounds adorable and well done for creating such a secure relationship for her that she has asked this.

The next bit I can hardly believe I am about to say as your DS is being incredibly immature BUT it sounds to me as though SD is actually going to be able to be the more mature one here AND I have some sympathy for your boy given the background you have given. I think if he feels territorial about you, pushing things is not going to help and is maybe going to create an ongoing problem. Do you think ( and I don’t know her) that you could possibly explain that you would be honoured to have her call you Mum and that you are so delighted she has asked, but that DS is feeling threatened by it and you don’t really understand it but don’t want to rush him and that you hope he will change his mind. It’s absolutely honest, shows you respect both their feelings and with luck not pushing it may help him to feel better about it. I know DS is much older but … he does have a point. You are his biological mum. Making a statement that that doesn’t mean something special sounds like the wrong path given his stance and what you say about his background. He seems to be needing to claim that still and have you reinforce that it means something. He’s old to be having those issues but it seems he does. It’s immature but clearly where he’s at.

How do they get on? Is he usually so cold.

I always called my stepdad "dad" and my kids call him granddad. My actual dad fucked off into the sunset, he doesn't (didn't - he's dead now) get a reserved title when he has done nothing worthy of it and when he reappeared when I was a teenager I generally called him by his first name because it was so weird that he'd stroll back into my life and expect to be given "dad" status over the man who actually turned up to my school Christmas plays etc.

However I'm also half an only child as I have a half sibling and I did find it weird that she jumped into calling my bio dad "daddy" the week he reappeared after 14 years (she had never met him before). I cringe now when I remember how shitty I was to her over that.

Your DS needs to understand that he's not losing anything here and be reassured that his place in the family hasn't changed, that you still love him and that you want him to know he's still your very loved son. I'd find a way to put him in the role of helper rather than competitor, so he sees this as an exercise in helping his step sister rather than vying for your love.

There is something going on with your son that probably dates back to when you and DH got together.
DS just hasn’t worked through those emotions and is placing it all on DSD.
He probably needs to talk to someone to work through things.

My immediate thought is that your son needs to grow up a bit..sorry. I don't think there is a problem her calling you mum. You know you're not bio mum and does she but you are being mum in all other ways. The ways that matter and its a massive compliment to you. Hopefully you can adopt her.

I'd be telling your son that he doesn't get to dictate to you. She's a little girl who doesn't know her biological mother.

Your son needs a lesson in compassion. I'd not tolerate his bullshit over this for a second!

Imagine using the word bellend when describing someone's child on this forum, a forum for mothers seeking advice. What an awful thing to say - seems like you're the one who needs to grow up.

Feeling “replaced” by your parents ( and I’m not saying he has been but it seems to be how he is taking it) is incredibly damaging. I think you are going to have to tread respectfully round those feelings. If he wasn’t feeling it, he wouldn’t make such a tit of himself by saying it!

Very good advice.

I havent said he shouldnt have feelings. She has spoken to him and tried to discuss it, he is not listening at all? Should she give in and tell the DD to not call her mum. 19 yos are not children, my 15 and 17 yo sound more mature TBH. At 19 he should be able to understand why she wants to call her mum and at the same time articulate why he is unhappy about it. Instead he's given the response I would expect from a 12/13 yo. Why do people on MN baby young adults so much.

Blimey. If they both want OP to be mum, then she is mum.

Also he is much much older than his SS but still young in the scheme of Life.

What a horrible young man (sorry). He grew up with the benefit of a mother and he has no empathy for a child who didn’t have that luxury. He sounds incredibly self absorbed. If you deny this child what she wants, which is to recognise you are her maternal care giver in name, not only will you likely cause her trauma but you’ll be making a rod for your own back in terms of your son thinking he’s king of the castle.

If he was 29 or 39, I might agree with you.

19 is still so young!!!

I am surprised at the low bar for emotional
maturity held here for a 19 year old adult male with no special needs or developmental delay.

While of course he will always be his mummy’s little boy he is also an adult - he is not a child. At his age a lot of adults are living away from home at university or already in full time employment.

this man is throwing a temper tantrum because he doesn’t want his primary school age step sister to call his mum mum! A child who has grown up without her own mother.

while this young man has always had two parents in his life, and by the sound of it two present step parents.

I would understand if was a nine year old - but he is 19!! The way he is expressing his frustration is surprising for someone of his age. How does he cope with other issues in life? What happens when his girlfriends breaks up with him or he fails an exam or doesn’t get a promotion? Has he ever had counselling to help him regulate his emotions?

Because he clearly isn’t as mature as some 15 or 16 year olds. We all mature at different rates and OP herself said she has made some mistakes in hindsight. I’ve matured masses since I was 19 🤗

As a 63 year old with a step father, I think it's terribly complicated and that your son needs reassurance that he is as important as the other children in the blended family.

My children don't really remember my father. My mother tried to insist they called my stepfather grandad. They were married in 1981, my children born in 1994 and 1998. I was incandescent. He was not my father, therefore was not their grandfather.

I agree too.

There must be a reason he's take this stance. Is he normally able to communicate his feelings @Lospecesenelrio?
Can you show him you're concerned there are problems under the surface if he's really feeling this way?

As long as the OP has done everything she can to reassure him he is not being replaced and that she loves him, what else can she do. A 19 yo should be mature enough to understand why a 9 yo needs that security.

Come back to me when your kids have experienced the same life circumstances as this young man has.

Some people on MN understand that YP aren't fully mature when not even out of their teens.

OP's updates make it clear she does tell her son he's loved, does make time for him. Yet he's still threatening tantrums over her little stepdaughter calling her Mum.

It's not demonising to say he's behaving badly and needs to grow up. If an OP was complaining about her nineteen year old boyfriend behaving like this, she wouldn't be getting "he's just a child" advice.

I really agree.