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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

613 replies

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:38

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

OP posts:
Legendairy · 28/12/2023 22:57

Calliopespa · 28/12/2023 22:54

Because he clearly isn’t as mature as some 15 or 16 year olds. We all mature at different rates and OP herself said she has made some mistakes in hindsight. I’ve matured masses since I was 19 🤗

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I understand that but after a conversation to explain you would think he could understand more about the situation.

I would be shocked if no one matured from 19 onwards but I would still expect an adult of any age to have some emotional maturity to understand this situation, most kids of 13 upwards could probably have this sort of discussion and understand it.

mayorofcasterbridge · 28/12/2023 22:58

Bellyblueboy · 28/12/2023 22:54

I am surprised at the low bar for emotional
maturity held here for a 19 year old adult male with no special needs or developmental delay.

While of course he will always be his mummy’s little boy he is also an adult - he is not a child. At his age a lot of adults are living away from home at university or already in full time employment.

this man is throwing a temper tantrum because he doesn’t want his primary school age step sister to call his mum mum! A child who has grown up without her own mother.

while this young man has always had two parents in his life, and by the sound of it two present step parents.

I would understand if was a nine year old - but he is 19!! The way he is expressing his frustration is surprising for someone of his age. How does he cope with other issues in life? What happens when his girlfriends breaks up with him or he fails an exam or doesn’t get a promotion? Has he ever had counselling to help him regulate his emotions?

Empathy isn't a massive factor in the life of a 19 year old man. Nor can they always articulate their feelings.

Mind you, empathy is in short supply on this thread, where supposed parents have called this poster's young adult son, who clearly has issues from his upbringing, horrible names!!!

I think the 19 year old is more mature!!!

Calliopespa · 28/12/2023 22:58

Catsmere · 28/12/2023 22:56

OP's updates make it clear she does tell her son he's loved, does make time for him. Yet he's still threatening tantrums over her little stepdaughter calling her Mum.

It's not demonising to say he's behaving badly and needs to grow up. If an OP was complaining about her nineteen year old boyfriend behaving like this, she wouldn't be getting "he's just a child" advice.

Yes but that’s because he’d be her boyfriend not her son. She wouldn’t be supposed to mother him. It wouldn’t be her role. It is OP’s role and he clearly still needs it.

Catsmere · 28/12/2023 22:58

Bellyblueboy · 28/12/2023 22:54

I am surprised at the low bar for emotional
maturity held here for a 19 year old adult male with no special needs or developmental delay.

While of course he will always be his mummy’s little boy he is also an adult - he is not a child. At his age a lot of adults are living away from home at university or already in full time employment.

this man is throwing a temper tantrum because he doesn’t want his primary school age step sister to call his mum mum! A child who has grown up without her own mother.

while this young man has always had two parents in his life, and by the sound of it two present step parents.

I would understand if was a nine year old - but he is 19!! The way he is expressing his frustration is surprising for someone of his age. How does he cope with other issues in life? What happens when his girlfriends breaks up with him or he fails an exam or doesn’t get a promotion? Has he ever had counselling to help him regulate his emotions?

Exactly!

scorpiogirly · 28/12/2023 22:58

Tell him to get over himself.

Asterales · 28/12/2023 23:00

Amazing post by @Devonshiregal , i think this hits the nail on the head.

Legendairy · 28/12/2023 23:00

mayorofcasterbridge · 28/12/2023 22:55

Come back to me when your kids have experienced the same life circumstances as this young man has.

Some people on MN understand that YP aren't fully mature when not even out of their teens.

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You have absolutely no idea of what my kids have been through, certainly more serious in nature than a situation that involves 2 loving parents and 3 siblings who want to be part of a loving family.

This level of emotional understanding isn't really of an adult nature. 19 isn't that young.

mayorofcasterbridge · 28/12/2023 23:00

Sameshitdifferentdayagain · 28/12/2023 22:49

I'd be telling your son that he doesn't get to dictate to you. She's a little girl who doesn't know her biological mother.

Your son needs a lesson in compassion. I'd not tolerate his bullshit over this for a second!

Well bully for you.

You need a lesson in compassion yourself - for a confused young man who feels pushed out!!!!

Howbizzare22 · 28/12/2023 23:00

QueSyrahSyrah · 28/12/2023 21:46

Is there some other mitigating reason that a 19 year old young Man would be jealous of a 7 year old girl who doesn't have her own Mum around?? I can't wrap my head around it otherwise.

Like a PP assuming it's not SEN or ND that is having an effect here I'd be telling him to grow up, frankly.

This all day long. Let her call you mum, you’re lovely & caring and sound like a great mum and you care for her where she has essentially been abandoned by her birth mother. If your adult child wants to be this unreasonable that’s his problem but obviously do your best to reassure him he’ll always be special to you he’s your son you love him dearly etc etc & this is just a name to help make little girl feel cared for & part of the family. Maybe arrange monthly 1:1 mother & son time especially to help the issue until he comes round.

mayorofcasterbridge · 28/12/2023 23:01

Legendairy · 28/12/2023 23:00

You have absolutely no idea of what my kids have been through, certainly more serious in nature than a situation that involves 2 loving parents and 3 siblings who want to be part of a loving family.

This level of emotional understanding isn't really of an adult nature. 19 isn't that young.

Show quote history

Of course 19 is young - catch a grip!

He's barely out of school! He was a teenager during the Covid years - remember them? When their schooling and their socialising and all of that growing up was completely disrupted??? Do you have zero compassion?

JMSA · 28/12/2023 23:03

Why do people on MN baby young adults so much.

You are aware that suicide remains the biggest killer of young men in the UK?
This young man needs understanding.

iamwhatiam23 · 28/12/2023 23:03

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 28/12/2023 21:45

I'd tell him to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a bellend. He's 19 not 10. Absolutely no excuse for behaving like that.

Exactly this

AllergicCatLover · 28/12/2023 23:04

Aww OP you sound like a lovely mum of all kinds. Given how little your SD's birth mum is present in her life, it's no wonder to me she wants someone to call mum.

Your son is just incredibly threatened by it, and I think if you put yourself in a teenage mindset it's possible to see it's coming from a great deal of insecurity. As he grows independent, he wants it both ways - he wants to be able to be a 'grown up' but is simultaneously jealous of the closeness you have with your SD and worried about being replaced and becoming less important to you as he gains independence from you. It's not easy to navigate emotions at the best of times. He is not expressing himself well and is being ultimately pretty selfish, but I feel it must be coming from that insecurity so trying to address that is the key.

Are there any issues on the horizon with, eg, rooms at home and how long he can call his home really home going forward? How much time do you have just you and him? Is he maybe craving some mum-and-son attention? I know he should be old enough but maturity can come at different stages to different people and 19 is definitely a vulnerable age in terms of the transitions. It sounds like he's just a bit slow on the uptake that there really IS enough love to go around.

Best of luck OP - you'd hope the parenting would get easier by the time they're grown up but clearly not!

LouLou198 · 28/12/2023 23:06

It's lovely that sd wants to call you mum. You are obviously doing a great job with her, and she is lucky to have you as a role model in her life. Your 19 year old needs to grow up.

Catsmere · 28/12/2023 23:06

Calliopespa · 28/12/2023 22:58

Yes but that’s because he’d be her boyfriend not her son. She wouldn’t be supposed to mother him. It wouldn’t be her role. It is OP’s role and he clearly still needs it.

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But she is mothering him. His problem is he wants to exclude a child ten years his junior from using the word Mum.

My comparison (evidently not put clearly enough 😄) was about his behaviour being unacceptable, and that it would be seen as such if anyone else complained about it. He'd be seen as an adult, not a child needing to be catered to - especially when it means putting a vulnerable little girl on the outer.

fourelementary · 28/12/2023 23:06

I agree with what @Devonshiregal said and it can be quite common for people to get a bit “stuck” at an age where something tricky happens they don’t or can’t resolve. So the son may be kind of stuck age 11/12 when this little girl came into his mums life and his life- and he was “too old” to show the jealousy or upset he actually felt at that time.. and instead it has kind of sat stagnant for these years but is coming out now… a bit like when we grown adults regress to whiny brats when our adult siblings annoy us the same way they did when we were 7/9 years old and we get all whiny and childish, regardless of our age. Or often people play out unresolved mum/dad issues with their partners in marriage arguments - sulking, crying etc… childish behaviours that are a throwback to our unresolved shit from childhood.
@Lospecesenelrio please don’t vilify your son, but take time to really listen to him, reassure him that he is your one and only son and you love him dearly, and he is the one who MADE you a Mum, but that you’re a good mum and one who knows this little girl needs you to be her mum also… and that love shared doesn’t lessen- it grows.

Sushilover14 · 28/12/2023 23:06

Well I think it’s lovely she sees you as mum.

blood doesn’t always stand for much.

Delassalle · 28/12/2023 23:07

Given that the actual mother has gone from her life and you are fulfilling the role perfectly, I think it's lovely that she wants to call you mum.

If your son was a young boy I can understand he may feel a bit off about it but he's an adult and should understand that the little girl only wants to fit in with everyone else.

He hasn't even gone about it maturely, he's been nasty and manipulative and made threats and even more dreadful has blamed the girl who is only a 9 year old child.

He needs a reality check that he is acting very badly and it won't be tolerated.

HereIAmThereYouAre · 28/12/2023 23:07

OP he obviously feels on the outside of the newer family unit. There have been so many threads on MN explaining how insecure/difficult it can be to be the child from a first relationship that ends, who then has to try and fit into 2 new families when their parents meet new people/have new children when they will never fully belong to either. Your twins, you and DH are a complete unit, and until now DS and DSD have been partly "outside that" by having other parents elsewhere. By you becoming her "Mum" he will be the last one that doesn't fully fit in. I'm not excusing his reaction but 19 is very young and this is clearly difficult for him. Your DSD sounds lovely and deserves to have a mum (which is essentially what you are already in all but name) but I think you need to handle this carefully with your DS so it doesn't damage your relationship with him. I was the oldest/only child from a previous relationship and my DM took on a large new step family and took on the role of mum including a name similar to "mummy". I never resented them, & I'm glad they've got her, but it wasn't handled well and really damaged my trust in my DM and my self esteem.

Bellyblueboy · 28/12/2023 23:08

mayorofcasterbridge · 28/12/2023 23:01

Of course 19 is young - catch a grip!

He's barely out of school! He was a teenager during the Covid years - remember them? When their schooling and their socialising and all of that growing up was completely disrupted??? Do you have zero compassion?

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I see a lot of recent graduates - men and women in their very early twenties. I have been shocked over recent years at how their emotional development is delayed. They are less resilient, more entitled. Often outraged at having their work corrected or critiqued. It has gotten a lot worse in the last five years or so.

I have had two (yes two) mothers contact me about their adult sons. One to check I would meet him at reception on his first day😂.

I think we need to stop babying these young adults. This thread has really highlighted that for me. A 19 year old should have the emotional intelligence to understand this situation and the ability to work though his emotions in a calmer way. He needs to
understand his reaction isn’t either compassionate or age appropriate. He needs to learn that he is not the centre of this family - he is an important, equal member but he cannot dictate every relationship.

Thelnebriati · 28/12/2023 23:09

Is his issue with the fact that she calls you Mum, the fact that she wants you to adopt her, or both?

SamPoodle123 · 28/12/2023 23:09

I would stand up to your son. He is 19 years old!! He is supposed to act more like an adult and not a child! Geez. I would have a serious word with him. I am shocked he would deny his stepsister the chance at having a mother daughter relationship with you. Sounds like he is jealous...but he is not a child and should not act like he is 10.

Calliopespa · 28/12/2023 23:09

Castellanos · 28/12/2023 22:55

I agree too.

There must be a reason he's take this stance. Is he normally able to communicate his feelings @Lospecesenelrio?
Can you show him you're concerned there are problems under the surface if he's really feeling this way?

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Exactly my feelings. He is being immature but I think it’s driven by very real emotions. They need sorting before you say ( to his mind) : “oh too bad about your feelings on the matter, I’m going to mother SD as my own whether you like it or not.” She’s clearly happy and secure at the moment, you’ve got her on an even keel, OP, ( well done) and it’s DS who is needing helping through his emotions. Ultimately if you just ignore that, his insecurity is kind of justified: you are prioritising her needs at her needs at the expense of his.

Legendairy · 28/12/2023 23:09

JMSA · 28/12/2023 23:03

Why do people on MN baby young adults so much.

You are aware that suicide remains the biggest killer of young men in the UK?
This young man needs understanding.

The OP has tried talking to him, it's not like she has ignored him.

SmellyKat10 · 28/12/2023 23:09

In this instance her need for a mother outranks his feeling of upset (by some margin)

I mean ultimately this ^ is the case.

However I can’t help but think back to the recent thread about the feelings of the first child(ren) when their parent remarries and has more children. And suddenly they aren’t the priority any more (or they don’t feel like they are, anyway) and they feel like they dont really belong anywhere.

I wonder if this is at play here.