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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

613 replies

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:38

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

OP posts:
Castellanos · 28/12/2023 22:14

I'd be tempted to suggest a couple of sessions either with a family therapist if he cant come to terms with it himself, because it's coming from somewhere unhealthy and he needs to address that or it may crop up in other aspects of his life.

Grimchmas · 28/12/2023 22:14

How does your 19 year olds behave in general? Is he quite a stroppy brat in general, or is he quite mature in general?

I'm guessing he feels threatened that he will loose out on your attention and affection. Which is quite an immature point of view for a 19 year old but it is clear he is feeling emotional not rational. Perhaps he harbours resentment that when you met DH and/or had the twins (and he grew up) he lost out on attention and saw you giving what he perceived as "his" attention to your DH and the twins? I don't know, I'm guessing.

I think firm loving boundaries might be the way forward with him.

"You shouldn't let her call you mum!"
"I love you, I love [twins, other siblings], and I love her, she is part of our family and her calling me mum takes nothing away from the bond that you and I have."

"I'm going to call so and so mum then"

"If you like. I'll always love you."

"Good cos I'm going to go no contact to hurt you"

"That would hurt me very much yes, because I love you and nobody is replacing you in my affections. You will always be my son and much loved."

"Aren't your own children enough for you?"

"Yes, you are enough. I'm lucky to have more than enough love for you all including [stepdaughter]. [Stepdaughter] calling me mum doesn't take anything away from you being my wonderful offspring. I have enough love for you all, I promise!"

It's the sort of language I'd use with a 10 year old, but since he's acting like he's 10 he can be spoken to like he's 10.

Original poster
Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 22:15

@FraiseRoyale well he complains she's "annoying " and "always wants to be with me".

He is often at his girlfriend's house or out with friends. So he exaggerates a lot. Overall, I have never seen him behaving rudely towards her. He complains to William, not even to me, which I find odd.

I always told him that I wouldn't tolerate any bullying or mistreatment in our household.

OP posts:
MerryBlueberry · 28/12/2023 22:16

FloofCloud · 28/12/2023 21:48

I think mum is too much as there's more than you and her involved. Why not pick another name like mama or something familiar around your own name (so
juju if you're Julie etc ... but solely for her?) or anything that can be portrayed as you being a little different in your relationship? Just tomkeep your own child/children supported too and her own mother really is her mum

can you read? Would you like the Op summarised? A 9 year old child has not seen her own mum for 4 years and hardly before that. She loves with a woman she has known and loved with practically her whole life who loves and treats her like a daughter and she wants to feel safe and belong. Why would you want to make her still feel like an outsider but refusing to let her call her mum but MUm Jane for example?
are you this delightful in real life?

MerryBlueberry · 28/12/2023 22:16

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 22:15

@FraiseRoyale well he complains she's "annoying " and "always wants to be with me".

He is often at his girlfriend's house or out with friends. So he exaggerates a lot. Overall, I have never seen him behaving rudely towards her. He complains to William, not even to me, which I find odd.

I always told him that I wouldn't tolerate any bullying or mistreatment in our household.

How does he act and talk about your twins? Which are younger and probably a lot more needy?

theduchessofspork · 28/12/2023 22:18

In this instance her need for a mother outranks his feeling of upset. (By some margin.)

Do take it seriously and ask him to talk to you about what’s bothering him - he feels how he feels and we all want to be heard - but don’t indulge him too much. He is going to have to learn to live with this one.

muggart · 28/12/2023 22:18

He sounds like he has some maturing to do.

Please don't let him think he has a right to meddle in your relationship with your SD. It's amazingly entitled that he even thought he could get a say in what she calls you.

Is he kind to his girlfriend? I hope he is not as controlling with her.

Borth · 28/12/2023 22:18

Your son is being a knob.

SemperIdem · 28/12/2023 22:18

Does he think that the twins are the “binding” factor in the family and that if she is calling you mum too then it is all about Williams children, it becomes more his family and your son feels he has less of a place within it, especially being so much older than the other children?

Ted27 · 28/12/2023 22:18

I have a 19 year old son. I also foster a 12 year old who has been with me for 7 months, who calls me mum. He also calls my parents nanny and grandad. My son is absolutely fine with this.
We all understand that our fosterling has a mum, the one who has let him down. We also all understand that our fosterling has a desperate need for a mum figure. And at the moment I'm it.
I think your son needs to grow up and the child you recognise as your daughter should be able to call her mum figure, mum

Redglitter · 28/12/2023 22:19

But you're not her mum. Could she call you mum and then your name? Having said that , it's not up to your son to decide

But she is her Mum in every sense that matters. Her biological mother isn't part of her life. The OP is the one who's bringing her up. She's the only mum she knows, it's perfectly understandable she calls her mum

The adult son should be ashamed of himself

theduchessofspork · 28/12/2023 22:21

FloofCloud · 28/12/2023 21:48

I think mum is too much as there's more than you and her involved. Why not pick another name like mama or something familiar around your own name (so
juju if you're Julie etc ... but solely for her?) or anything that can be portrayed as you being a little different in your relationship? Just tomkeep your own child/children supported too and her own mother really is her mum

The OP’s son is 19, he has no logical reason to feel threatened and needs to work through it.

The OP’s stepdaughter’s biological mother is her biological mother, not her mum.

She needs a mum

Kwasi · 28/12/2023 22:21

He'll get over it. Hopefully his gf will point out that he's being a massive tit.

Let him call his step-mum 'Mum'. It won't last.

tianabiscuit · 28/12/2023 22:21

You may not be her biological mother, but clearly this young girl regards you as her mum. She has chosen you as her mum. I could maybe understand your son's clear jealousy if he was a small child, but he is a grown man and needs to deal with it.

Catsmere · 28/12/2023 22:23

From your updates, OP, he does sound like an unpleasant young man, and while he may not overtly bully your daughter, his attitude is all too clear. He's going to have to like or lump it, not to mention doing a crash course in growing up. He doesn't get to exclude her from calling the only mother she really knows "Mum".

Xmasinfrance · 28/12/2023 22:23

I can’t believe some PPs are suggesting you tell your DSD not to call you mum! How awful! Imagine a little girl who has been utterly let down by her biological mum, builds up enough of a relationship with her step mum to want to call her “mum” and even wants to be adopted all for the step mum to say “no”. It would be heartbreaking.

Your DSD is lucky to have you OP!

Have you shared any of the details (like the letter) with your DS? Maybe this would make him see things from DSD’s perspective.

WhatTheFuk · 28/12/2023 22:24

Are the ins boys? Is she the only girl?
This is sounding a very unpleasant environment for her to grow up in. Having already been abandoned by her mother, to then endure emotional (at least!) abuse by her stepbrother. You need to get a grip of this situation quickly or she is going to be severely affected.

Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows · 28/12/2023 22:25

No child gets a say in who else their parent is a parent to. Tell your son he is no different to any other child (and I’m being generous in referring to him as a child)

Original poster
Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 22:26

@Kwasi That's what I exactly told him. To call his step-mum mum if he wants. But he got offended and said somethinf " how could you agree so easily to let me call another woman mum".

OP posts:
Original poster
Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 22:27

@WhatTheFuk The twins are girls too.

OP posts:
Devonshiregal · 28/12/2023 22:28

For fucks sake stop calling him immature and childish op. That is not going to help this situation.

Your step daughter REPRESENTS an issue he has with you. This may have started years ago when you met William and he felt replaced. It might have started before that. It might have started after - perhaps he had a single mum working, distracted, then William and this girl came along and you seemed to pay more attention to her in his eyes but the reality for you was you had more time to relax due to joint income from William…I don’t know but this jealousy started somewhere.

Honestly it could be anything that caused the jealously but he is your son and it’s your responsibility to look honestly at yourself, your history with him and figure out why he’s so insecure in your relationship.

He was what? About 12, when he had to make room for her as a toddler? No doubt watching you pick her up and play with her and have a new family right as he was entering teenage years was tough.

Does he like her well enough? How do the get along? This hasn’t just come out of the blue - even if he’s kept it well hidden, he’s been envious a long time.

Of course you should let your step daughter do what she wants re calling you mum. It’s important for you and her and it’s great you have a lovely relationship.

But listen to what he’s been saying - he’s telling you repeatedly he feels shunted out by her. He’s telling you he feels like you like her more than him. He’s telling you he feels second best. The one thing he has over your new family is that you are actually his mum, and now you’re giving that away too.

he may be 19 but he has feelings and they’re valid. The reality is we all want our parents to love us and approve of us no matter how old we get. There are adults on here every day talking about how this sibling is the golden child, or that sibling got more attention, or their parents never spent any time with them, etc etc and they’re aged 20-100. Parental rejection, whether real or perceived hurts at any age.

And 19 is still young. He’s still got a good few years of fucked up decision making before he becomes a fully fledged adult. When he’s 30 he’ll be ready to repress his jealously and direct his complaints to his therapist for the sake of keeping the peace. Right now he’s a teenager who feels he’s not special to his mum.

Catsmere · 28/12/2023 22:29

Thanks OP, I was wondering about the twins too. At least it's not because she's a girl, then.

His "aren't three enough for you" comment was quite something.

ArsMamatoria · 28/12/2023 22:29

@Lospecesenelrio lots of posters are saying your son needs to grow up. Well, yes, but maybe therein lies the heart of his issue? He's 19 - only just into adulthood and about to fly the nest, leaving behind siblings and a step sibling who are far, far younger. It's a big transition and he's probably feeling anxious and insecure.
He may be 19, but he still needs your guidance. I'd stand your ground and say your stepdaughter will be calling you mum, but be aware that you might need to meet a bit of teenaged petulance with patience and understanding as well as firmness.

Ramalangadingdong · 28/12/2023 22:29

RedHelenB · 28/12/2023 21:42

But you're not her mum. Could she call you mum and then your name? Having said that , it's not up to your son to decide.

She is her mum.

Bellyblueboy · 28/12/2023 22:31

If the child wants to call you mum let her. She clearly needs a mum and wants to feel that level of closeness with you.

your son is a dick. He is acting like a spoilt child. This little girl has been his little sister for five years. How can he be so cruel? I would be concerned for his character and emotional maturity.

it doesn’t bode well for the man he is becoming.