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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

613 replies

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:38

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 28/12/2023 21:52

Is he likely to move out fairly soon, maybe it couldn’t happen at a worse time for him, he could see it as her replacing him, but he is being an arse and should grow up. Is adopting her in your plans? If so maybe now is the time?

please stand your ground, she Is 9 and needs you more, perhaps ask if he wants to call William dad and have two dads?

LunaTheCat · 28/12/2023 21:53

Just how lovely is it that she ants to call you “Mum” and it’s come completely and naturally from her.
Take your 19 year old out lunch… lots reassurance and emphasise your relationship hasn’t changed but it’s important for your daughter… if he carries on objecting tell him he is wrong.

Sodndashitall · 28/12/2023 21:53

There has to be something underneath this for your son. This is quite a strong reaction from a 19 year old. My bestie who is Indian calls her MIL Mum (she has a different name for her actual mum) and her DC call me auntie. I'm not their actual aunt.
My mum's DP is not my dad or even my step dad but my kids would call him grandad (in his language).
Just to illustrate that lots of people call people things like mum or dad etc to reflect the relationship they have rather than the bloodline.
So if your son is having this reaction there's something else that's behind his upset and you need to get to the bottom of it. Have you tried the usual trick of empathy, understand and listen?

Sallybegood · 28/12/2023 21:53

Is your son generally a nice person? If so I’d be trying to get to the root of the hurt and insecurity that might be leading him to behave this way - without backing down on the fact that she absolutely should be able to call you mum if she wants to. Does he need some reassurance that he isn’t being replaced in your affections by these younger kids? Is there some jealousy over the fact that if you are her ‘mum’ then she gets to have two loving married parents raising her in one house, which he didn’t get to have? I disagree with the people saying ‘he needs to grow up’ practice tough love etc - 19 is still pretty young.

If he’s generally unpleasant or controlling then obviously that’s a wider issue.

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 28/12/2023 21:53

The posters saying her calling you mum is too much are being ridiculous.

Let her call you mum.

And tell your son to grow tf up.

FortunataTagnips · 28/12/2023 21:54

Poor little poppet - of course she should call you mum if she wants. Your son needs to grow the fuck up.

JMSA · 28/12/2023 21:54

Your son seems to feel insecure in his relationship with you.
No judgement at all from me, but this seems to be the only explanation I can think of.
How has your relationship with him been over the years? And how was he when your husband and then twins came along?
It's all very well people calling him a bellend, but I suspect there's rather more to it!

Crazycrazylady · 28/12/2023 21:55

Honestly tell your son that she's a little girl who is desperate to feel
' the same ' as everyone else in the house. He is incredibly unreasonable over this. She is just a little gir.

olympicsrock · 28/12/2023 21:55

He is being childish. My nephews chose to call their stepmum ‘Mum’ as their own mum had died and they wanted to . Their stepsisters who are a similar age call their stepfather by his first name because their own fathers are still in the picture .

Children should do what feels right for their individual circumstances.

Crooklodge · 28/12/2023 21:57

RedHelenB · 28/12/2023 21:42

But you're not her mum. Could she call you mum and then your name? Having said that , it's not up to your son to decide.

The mothers not been involved in nearly half her life, doubt the kid will even remember her. Why shouldn't op be her mum? She HAS been her mum in all that time.

I met my dh when dd was 10mo, her dad started getting involved as soon as he heard that. Saw her once a month for tea/lunch or sometimes once in a blue moon had her overnight. My dh is her dad full stop, she says this. He's the man that's attended every single parents evening, show, call for parent helpers at the forest school, loved, worried, cared, known, bought, stressed and cried with her over the last 15 years, not her 'dad'. The tags of real mum and dad are VERY fucking fickle.

angieloumc · 28/12/2023 21:57

Your son needs to grow up. Good on you for being there for her.

Original poster
Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:59

@Tacotortoise Yes! Even if I get a divorce, I will always be there for her. No question.

OP posts:
Catsmere · 28/12/2023 22:00

From your update, OP, he does sound jealous, possessive and immature. Does he dislike his stepfather as well? How else does he behave around your stepdaughter? Agree with other posters, he needs to grow the fuck up and drop the childish threats.

Upwiththelark76 · 28/12/2023 22:02

Sorry hit your son is being awful . He’s an adult . Your daughter is young and probably longing to belong. I think it says a lot about you OP that SD wants to call you mum . Don’t deny her because your grown son is jealous

Thedogscollar · 28/12/2023 22:02

Catsmere · 28/12/2023 22:00

From your update, OP, he does sound jealous, possessive and immature. Does he dislike his stepfather as well? How else does he behave around your stepdaughter? Agree with other posters, he needs to grow the fuck up and drop the childish threats.

Exactly this. He is coming across as a very unlikeable young man. His reasoning is wrong on every level. If he was 9 yrs old understandable but 19 no way.

Feelingdozy · 28/12/2023 22:03

Do you think he could be concerned that everyone else in the family will be calling you both mum and dad, while he will say mum and William - making him feel the odd one out/ not part of the family? Especially as he’s older, he might feel excluded/less special. Not saying that’s the case just if he’s insecure he might feel like that?

HappyHamsters · 28/12/2023 22:03

Is he likely to take it out on her, does he treat her nice like a sister? He sounds jealous and insecure.

SD1978 · 28/12/2023 22:03

You've raised her for 5 years with minimal input from her mum. She lives in a house fulltime where everyone else calls you mum. Of course she knows you're not birth mum, but she loves you and relies on you as much as her dad. You son already 'shares' you with 2 younger siblings, so I assume it's not a jealousy thing, but he is a bullying twat for trying to make the girl feel like she is less than. I'm sorry, I couldn't tolerate that behaviour from a young grown man. He sounds like he's being quite horrible

WhatTheFuk · 28/12/2023 22:04

This is an adult man. He's being an arsehole and a bully.
She is a young child craving a maternal attachment figure and to feel included in her family. You have adopted that role since she was very young and have a responsibility towards her.

Jingleballs2 · 28/12/2023 22:06

In this situation where she has had no contact with her real mother and you have taken on that role completely, then yes if she wants to call you mum and you and her dad are happy with it then that's all that matters. Poor girl just wants to feel like she has a proper mum.

Your son is acting extremely immature for being 19. Let him kick off, he'll get over it.

Original poster
Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 22:09

@Catsmere Him and William get along greatly. Have same love for football. When our twins were born, he was jealous, but I put it down to teenage years. Now, the twins and him get along great. It's only with our daughter he has a problem with.

I am going to be honest, no, he isn't generally nice. But I made poor choices, I got pregnant with him when I was only 15, so maybe I have not been a good mother. His own father is amazing though, took care of his son and still does.

For the other poster who asked, he isn't moving anytime soon. He goes Uni, 20 mins away and wants to stay until he finishes he studies, which I have 0 issue with.

OP posts:
Pootle23 · 28/12/2023 22:12

I’m with the he needs to grow up team.

A little girl needs the stability of calling you Mum and your man child is having a hissy fit. Tell him to stop being so pathetic and grow up.

FraiseRoyale · 28/12/2023 22:12

OP, you say he has a problem with your stepdaughter. How does he treat her? Because I would have a real problem with an adult in my home treating a child unkindly.

MerryBlueberry · 28/12/2023 22:13

RedHelenB · 28/12/2023 21:42

But you're not her mum. Could she call you mum and then your name? Having said that , it's not up to your son to decide.

Eh? She has not seen her own mum for 4 years, this mother figure treats her like a daughter. Are you saying all adoptive and step parents who step in when a parent dies is not a parent? Of course she is her mum and it’s wonderful that she wants to call you tha5 @Lospecesenelrio and you see her as your daughter. Your son is being crazy and there must be a reason. Does he think he’ll have less inheritance? Ask him what will happen when you adopt her.

Sallybegood · 28/12/2023 22:14

Feelingdozy · 28/12/2023 22:03

Do you think he could be concerned that everyone else in the family will be calling you both mum and dad, while he will say mum and William - making him feel the odd one out/ not part of the family? Especially as he’s older, he might feel excluded/less special. Not saying that’s the case just if he’s insecure he might feel like that?

This is a good post. Would William be ok with your son calling him Dad? Would his actual father be ok if he understood the reason? If so then maybe make that offer to your son? He may not want to act on it but at least you’d have made the offer.