To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

[Lospecesenelrio]

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

Very sorry to hear that, but at that age he could have moved out to uni full time or joined the army. That doesn’t take away the hurt that it was unexpected or the reasons behind it.

Your love for your family shines through and it is so lovely to hear how happy your daughter is calling you mum.

Absolutely the best thing for everyone . It does sound like he has some serious issues though even outside of this.

@Lospecesenelrio in am sorry your son wasn’t able to resolve his feelings about this.

Although I think some space and perspective could do him good. He may over time become embarrassed at his reaction to this situation - particularly the odd comments about dating his little sister.

Yes, have to agree really, as sad as it must make you feel, it's probably for the best (certainly for your dd) and he very likely needs the time and space to work things through. How are things between you? I guess you just have to keep the lines of communication open and continue to show him you love him. Hopefully with time he will see that it doesn't really make any difference what dd calls you.

That's hard for you. I'm glad that you can speak to him daily. Maybe as time goes on and his dad can talk to him over time, he will come to understand. He is lucky to have 2 parents who communicate with each other and support him together despite bo longer being together. So many font manage that and you should feel proud of that. [ flowers]

That's so unbelievably sad OP, I'm really truly sorry - I can't imagine what you must be going through right now :/
Sending many virtual hugs your way!

I hope his dad will gently support you and explain why one more person calling you mum doesn't mean you love him less.

It's probably for the best for now. At least he's talking to you. Maybe he will reflect with a bit of space.

You are her mum you the one that has cared for her and been her mum , your 19 year old who is legally and adult truely needs to grow up , I would sit him down and explain that it's is absolutely vile for him to try to deny a small child of her wishes to call you mum what difference does it make , if he wants to be silly explain he's old enough to move out , I would except or tolerate this behaviour from a child let alone an adult man , the fact he has no empathy for her is extremely worrying imo, you seem lovely but I feel he's probably a bit childish and spoilt and needs putting in his place

Armchair psychology so feel free to ignore!…
I can’t understand a 19yo feeling like this but he was about 10yo when your SD came into your lives and the feeling of displacement from that time may be runnning deep. You say she was 10mo when you met your partner, so if you were pretty hands-on then it would have had impacted time you spent with your 10yo. Even if you weren’t hands-on the dynamic would have changed and children of blended families can struggle.
Your son’s reaction maybe that of a 10yo’s because it reflects how he felt back then.

Why have you responded to such an old thread? Just curious.

Sometimes people don’t realise. It can throw it up as a similar thread suggestion and unless you actually check the date it isn’t always that clear.

I don’t think there is anything sinister in it.

Why are you bothered? Just curious.

Omg some of these posts…. Imagine telling a 9 year old child they can’t call you mum when you’ve been their mum for the majority of their life and their own mother abandoned them, what kind of trauma would that do to her. You sound like you’ve been fantastic, especially for even considering your DS unreasonable expectations. I’d tell him to crack on and call fathers wife mum if he feels like it. Sorry OP he needs to grow up!