To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

[Lospecesenelrio]

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

Actually, I withdraw the phrase 'teenaged petulance'. @Devonshiregal has it spot on.

Yes, you’ve nailed it.

Of course, you aren't being unreasonable; your Son is! I called my stepfather Dad because, well, he was a Dad to me. It sounds like you are being a Mum to your SD and she recognizes that. Give him time, and continue loving him and he'll most likely recognize that as well.

I agree with Yoda here.

😂

I agree with this. He's an adult and is being very cruel about a young child who clearly craves a mother. Is jealousy but he needs to overcome it and stop being selfish.

Yes @Devonshiregal is right.

He was an only child for a long time and had all your attention, then has to put up with a new partner and his daughter moving in, then the twins come along. Your attention has shifted to the younger ones.

He might be 19 but he's still at home and needs your love and attention even if he is being difficult. There has been a little of change in his life.

You hit the nail on the head there though even though you didn’t mean to - you said “we all understand our fostering”.

this wasn’t a joint family decision. This was a single parented kid suddenly finding himself with a much younger step sibling and step dad and then getting more siblings. He’s the only one with a different dad. He didn’t make some lovely family decision to have her. He was just a kid whose mum suddenly got a new family he was on the outside of.

not saying it’s right - but clearly it’s how he feels.

It’s a beautiful thing. You’ve done a lovely job. I call my step dad, Dad and there’s nothing wrong with that!

Your son does need to grow up. He’s a teen and they are notoriously selfish so perhaps he genuinely can’t see this little girl is the only person in the household without a bio mother who loves her and puts her first. What she calls you doesn’t change the relationship. He’s jealous of course and you probably need to keep getting to keep talking to you. He needs to see how selfish his actions are, and more importantly he needs to know he cannot dictate or threaten you. He’s an adult now, he can move out if he’s genuinely unhappy with the situation. I’d feel a bit upset I’d raised someone without compassion but I’d also think my eldest might be a bit similar so this is no reflection on your parenting. I was very young when he was born and it was just him and I for a long time.

Your son is being a bell end but something is going on. His reaction is too over the top so something is worrying him.
Has he said why he feels that way to your husband or to his dad? However you said you wouldn't be happy if he called his step mum mum so can you see how he feels?
I think he probably feels replaced. He's an adult, talking about moving out after university and now there's another child calling you mum. He probably feels that you don't want /need him as much.
I would try and spend time with him, don't say you love him, show him.
Having said that he has absolutely no right to say what your daughter calls you. I think it's beautiful that she sees you as mum and wants to call you that (but I'm not 19).
Keep that closeness with her but try not to let your son feel pushed out.
I feel for because you sound really caring but are juggling so much.

Your 19 years old is jealous of your 9 years SDaughter. He needs to grow up.

Your son sounds like an absolute brat as well. I wouldn't pay any attention to him and his horrible issue with your daughter.

Devonshiregal - I do agree that this young man is jealous and has a problem with his place in the family and it very likely does go back to circumstances in the past. I have no doubt that the OP loves him and has always loved him, but might not have been in a position to provide for him in the same way as the other children and he will have been able to see this. He also had you as a sole parent for some years - he has done a lot of sharing of you! ...... with a new partner, with newly arrived twins and with stepdaughter. You cannot wave a magic wand and solve this, but telling a child (including an adult child) that you love them every day is a good route to go down.

It is the child in this young man who is speaking - we all have one inside us. I am a grandma and there are things that I resent about the way I was parented..... and that was a good while ago ...!

Your son needs to get a grip. Your stepdaughter obviously loves you, little ones need a mum and she needs you.
It's not up to Your source, he has no business telling you what you can and can't do. Don't let him bully you

@Devonshiregal

Thanks for your interesting insight. I have had him when I was a teenager, luckily I had my parents who helped me and his father. He sees his dad every weekends or whenever he wants. I always made sure to reassure him, throughout the years, make him know a I LOVE him. We did/do plenty of activities together , without William and his sisters.

What a cruel and unwarranted comment to make!

This boy (and he is a boy, because 19 year old boys are still immature, never mind that they are legally men) has got a deep-seated issue around your blended family. He is entitled to his feelings too. For years of his life it was you and him OP, and then suddenly, he had to share. It's clearly been more difficult for him than you realised.

Absolutely, your SD should get to call you 'mum'. I think that's adorable, a testament to you, and her love for you.

However, you can't push your DS away either. Talk to him and try to understand why he feels the way he does. It sounds to me as if the little boy in him still feels somewhat usurped by your new family? Tell him frankly that you will always be his mother, and that he is fortunate to have both mother and father in his life. Ask him whether he wants his little stepsister to always feel like the odd one out? And does he want to call William 'dad' too so that they are all the same?

What is his dad like? Could he talk to him and try to explain it?

He needs to understand that the needs of a little girl whose mother has abandoned her trump any discomfort he feels about her calling you mum. Does he have grandparents that he's close to?

Please don't accept the demonising of your son here either. It's horrible.

I think you should take heed of what @Devonshiregal has to say. Wise words.

Wouldn't it be great if we could all 'grow the fuck up" at the click of fingers. But we don't , not many of us. We often feel sad, resentful, left out at any stage of our lives.

You can be 'mum' to this little girl and still take on board that your son is sad inside.

We never stop needing our mothers. Even when they are long gone.

Don't be ridiculous.

You sound like a fabulous step-mum and this little girl is very lucky. Please look into adopting her and make this official, perhaps it will look more real to your son when you actually have PR for her.
My friend is married to DH 2 (DH1 who is father to her son was a vile horrible man), and he adopted her son as a teenager and they all share a surname and made the decision not to have any more children. He doesn’t call him Dad but they’re all happy with that. Each case is so different.

I completely agree. To be honest those comments come across as spiteful and childish.

It is completely normal for a child who has lived with a mother figure for basically half their life to want to call them mum esp as there are younger DC calling her mum.

I am surprised a 19 yo is behaving like this, i wouldn't even discuss it with him further, you've tried to speak to him, he's being completely childish about it. He will have to learn to accept it. Such a stupid comment about his dad's wife, if he had lived with her half his life and you were completely absent then the situation is the same but it clearly isn't in this case!

Maybe you should suggest a counselling session with you and your son?

So there is a neutral place where he can explain why this bothers him so much?

You definitely aren’t being unreasonable and of course she can call you mum. My DSS lives with us and calls me mum even though his mum is still in his life; her contact is so sporadic and she put him
through a lot. He said, other people have two mums, you do everything a mum does for me, so why can’t I call you mum? I said he could call me whatever he liked so long as it wasn’t rude!

It sounds like he feels jealous of the mum you are now for the younger ones than maybe you were when he was young? Either way he is grown up and needs to take responsibility for his feelings now.

I think it’s lovey that she wants to call your mum. Your son is behaving appallingly. He’s blatantly jealous and needs to grow up.

Tell him directly how it’s going to be and see if he actually follows through with his threat. I suspect not. The only person he’d really be hurting is himself - he is responsible for his own actions.

Way to make her feel like an outsider.

Please don't accept the demonising of your son here either. It's horrible.

Couldn't agree more.