To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

[Lospecesenelrio]

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

As the child of divorced parents, it's not always shit to have two homes, two families, two lives. Sometimes it scrap, sometimes it isn't. Just like families who are together. I do role my eyes at the pity and 'poor kids' attitude shown to divorcee children sometimes. We don't need to pander to children whose parents are divorced when they are the ones being unreasonable and having a tantrum because they've been asked to share their mummy. Especially when said child is approaching his 20's and aiming his spite at a little girl of 9.

"mum" is the person who brings you up, who is there and acts maternally. Would you tell an adoptive parent they can't be "mum"? The child will have no memories of their own mother, and OP has been in their life since they were 2 years old. Agree it's not for son to decide, it's for "mum" and SD.

“Could be” vulnerable.

It’s not really up to any of us to decide whether he is, or isn’t vulnerable.

Your description is quite surface level and doesn’t account for any emotional vulnerability he may be experiencing. It’s almost like asking someone how on earth they could be depressed when they have [insert one or a combination of any number of perceived privileges] in their life.

None of us really know what’s going on with him, because none of us have actually spoken to him. We are all judging him - in whichever way we please - based on what OP has told us. And I do feel for her, she’s in a difficult situation. But it’s still just her own frame of reference. What’s going on inside his mind is important too. He’s a human being so I just find it really shocking that some posts suggest the worst of him and won’t appreciate there may actually be some kind of deep rooted issue which is causing him to behave in this way, that OP hasn’t been able to explore yet. Hopefully with some professional help they can get to the bottom of it.

No wonder there’s so many issues in the world when people are so quick to just judge others based on half a story and their own introjected values.

💯

Very well put.

I think its wonderful that she wants to call you Mum. She's accepted you as you have accepted her, and she knows that you are raising her like your own children and care about her.
Your son is an adult behaving like a small child.
If she wants to call you Mum, let her!

LinaLouLa

The son is acting like someone that has had a traumatic childhood and doesn't know how to express it.
There is (or was) a thread/s from children whose parents thought they did a fantastic job of raising their children but the posters think differently.

You are not her mother!!! Stop forcing kids. You only have sons so you force a little girl to call you mum? Why are women so obsessed with having daughters???

But she isn't the mother!

You haven’t read the thread. The child wants to call her Mum and has asked her to adopt her. There’s no forcing going on.

Have you actually read the thread. The calling the OP Mum has been completely the girls idea.

But she isn't the mother

She is ss far as the .girls concerned. She has no contact with her biological Mum. The OP is her stepmum and the only Mum she's known.

Would you say the same to adopted children too

If you actually bothered your arse to read the OPs posts you would see that her twins are both girls so she has 2 daughters already

Time to show some tough love OP, he's an adult at 19.

Tell him this is the situation and this is your house and you and your partner's children.

If he flounced off, let him. You've established some boundaries. You've said yourself you've been too lenient on him. Now you need some rules. It would help if his dad backed you on this as well.

Lovely. What a way to potentially confirm his feelings of being excluded. As if this is the only way around it.

Some people on here appear to have no knowledge whatsoever on human psychology, certainly no clue on anything with any depth greater than a puddle. I genuinely hope you’re not all parenting your own kids with this attitude.

Did you not read that he's 19 and sounds like he should be leaving home soon anyway?

The OP has already tried to be nice and inclusive and reassure.

You can still be inclusive and reassure but also say enough is enough, the girl is calling me mum and if you feel uncomfortable about it then perhaps it's time you moved out.

At this point she should be putting the child first not her spolit son. Have you also not considered how this is affecting the child who's old enough to be picking up on her step brother's animosity.

And yes, if my children are acting like spolit brats or doing something that upsets one of my other children I make it very clear that I won't tolerate that behaviour. It's called parenting.

Then the clear answer is to adopt the daughter and become here legal mother.

Im shocked by this because my 19 year old son would never act this way towards me. Get him some help - try the university student help.

Tell me you haven't read the tread, without telling me you haven't read the thread. 🙄

You're not the brightest spark are you.

I don’t disagree that the step daughter calling her mum is the right thing to do. And the step daughter is very important in all of this. She should be prioritising her needs of course.

But she should also be prioritising the needs of her son who clearly feels pushed out. And yes logically we can say of course he’s not being pushed out, and he may know this logically himself, but when issues are deep rooted and coming from childhood it’s not always as simple as applying logic to a feeling. Sometimes we don’t know why those feelings are there or even realise that’s what they are. Attachment issues could have occurred due to a variety of situations in early life, which may be causing this reaction in him right now. Finding professional help is probably the best thing right now in the best interest of everyone involved.

Of course boundaries are important. But being invested in the emotional needs of our children is crucial. That’s also (a huge part of) parenting.

*Edited to emphasise the importance of us parents being aware of our children’s emotional needs, and that emotional needs don’t just stop at 18 when a child becomes ‘adult’

Sorry to hear your update OP, the professional help is a good idea and appears necessary.

Yes unfortunately, you should listen to your gut feeling, especially as you know him the best.

I think it makes it all the more important to stick to your decision and enforce boundaries.

Don’t berate yourself though, you seem like a very caring person and you’ve done your best as a mum and SM through all difficulties.

Why are you expressing such ignorance?!

Parenting is meant to consider the needs of ALL your children. Horrible advice!

How can you possibly know how your son or anyone else’s son would feel in this situation?!

Update: DS went to live with his father. I am very sad about it, but I think it's for the best. I talk to him daily on the phone. Thanks everyone.

I'm so sorry @Lospecesenelrio. I hope one day your son will understand why you needed to do this for your daughter though.