To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

[Lospecesenelrio]

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

I’m not implying either way but I genuinelly wonder what the comments would be if DS19 was actually a DD19. His emotions and feelings are completely valid on the matter. He is allowed to feel however he is feeling and it is up to OP to try to explore that with him and help him to get to a better level of understanding, which I imagine will include addressing some deep rooted worries of his.

Can’t speak for others but I’d feel exactly the same if it was a DD. Possibly to show a bit more empathy. It’s hard for OP to explore how he’s feeling if he won’t even talk to her if he doesn’t get his own way.

He hasn’t experienced any more “constant change” than thousands of other kids.

And a lot more behave a lot worse for a lot less. But who cares? It's not top trumps.

It’s hard for OP to explore how he’s feeling if he won’t even talk to her if he doesn’t get his own way.

Agree. It's hard for OP full stop. She has her hands full in every direction.

I think the fact she's on MN shows that also.

I think some sort of discussion with a third party would be appropriate here.

And I said guessing.

I’m not sure if I’ve misread your message sorry, it reads that you would possibly show more empathy if it was a DD? But feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.

I do agree that’s it’s hard for OP. But I don’t think it’s impossible.

As someone else has said I think a third party would be a good option at this stage

I’m not sure if I’ve misread your message sorry, it reads that you would possibly show more empathy if it was a DD? But feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.

Sorry, that wasn’t clear. II would expect more empathy from a teenage girl. (bit sexist, I know!)

I would have a conversation with him and try to make him see the situation from the 9yo's perspective. Try to point out the difference between his life and hers. He has 2 parents that he sees and who love him even though they aren't together. He has siblings who (presumably), love him and he, they (again, presumably). He, hopefully, feels like he belongs within the family all of which this 9 year old little girl wants as well. Tell him that he will always have a mum who loves and wants him and ask him why he believes that your DD should not have the same. Finally tell him that her calling you "mum" takes nothing away from your relationship with him anymore than his siblings calling you mum does.

If she wants to call you mum and you’re happy with that then there should be nothing more to it. Your son is clearly feeling worried and threatened in some way, and you definitely need to try and talk to him and work out what’s at the heart of it. He probably just needs reassurance that he’s no less precious to you than he ever was. But don’t give in to his threats either- he needs to know that’s not an adult way of handling things you’re not happy with.

Why is he threatened by this little girl and not your other children? The twins. Who presumably also call you Mum? The step sister is the 'odd one out' in that respect and she wants to fit in with her siblings. She's been part of the family for 7 years and you've been mothering her for the same amount of time. I'm not sure what else you can do to help him see that really. Especially as he won't talk to you. You've done all you can to reassure him so yes at some point he does need to realise he is the one being unreasonable.

In the most important way you are her Mum and she hears others saying it so can totally understand her wanting her to. Would see it as a positive she loves you so much, not her fault her birth mother is absent. Personally I would accept this but make her aware she does also have her birth Mum so you are her other Mum. Xx

You're doing the right thing. This is your ds's problem. It's a privilege your 9 yo sdd feels that way. If one of my adult ds s said the same about my grandson (who I care for) I'd be more than a little annoyed....
Your obviously doing the right thing ... I'm assuming that the younger ones don't have a problem.

And if ds says well I'm going to call xxxx mum I'd say are you dear that's nice.👀🙄

We are very different, clearly. I would be showing compassion and understanding to all my children. Who are you to say he's "utterly ridiculous"?
You are not privy to his emotions!

I would consider getting your son some therapy to try and unravel what issues he has got going on. That is very strange reaction.

I totally disagree with you.

Exactly this!

He is entitled to his emotions - and I wouldn't be surprised if he can't actually articulate for himself why he feels this way. He just does.

Because the OP is his and the twins' biological mum, presumably?

When I was young I lived with my Mum and grandparents. I was friends with the lad next door who was similar in age and he called my Grandad, Grandad just because that is what I called him and he felt awkward calling him by his name. He just wanted to fit in just as your stepdaughter does.

Of course my friend knew it wasn’t HIS Grandad but I think out of respect too - just like my parents called their parents-in-law Mum and Dad.

I think you should just let her and explain to your son that she just wants to fit in. And ask him directly why it bothers him so much, especially as she doesn’t see her own Mother. If he didn’t have such a good relationship with his own Dad, maybe he would have called William “Dad”.

He is being immature and needs to realise this.

@mayorofcasterbridge

Because the OP is his and the twins' biological mum, presumably

My dad isn't my biological father. I was welcomed into the family as a very young child but teenage step siblings and never treated any differently. My best friend is adopted, so neither of her parents or siblings are biologically related to her. They are still our parents/siblings, they still love us, we are still part of their families. Thank god they do really, if some people still only consider biology to be real family.

I’m not implying either way but I genuinelly wonder what the comments would be if DS19 was actually a DD19. His emotions and feelings are completely valid on the matter. He is allowed to feel however he is feeling and it is up to OP to try to explore that with him and help him to get to a better level of understanding, which I imagine will include addressing some deep rooted worries of his.

Can only speak for myself here, but my response would be the same if it was a DD vs a DS.
I don't agree with other posters about kicking them out or "Just man up" speak etc, but it is absolutely unacceptable imo that a 19 year old is acting like this;
"But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum."

Or this;
"She is William's child , are you not happy with the 3 you have?.... I am going to start calling (Father's wife) mum then"

Or this;
"I am going to be honest, no, he isn't generally nice."

Or this;
"he complains she's "annoying " and "always wants to be with me".

Or this;
"What I dislike more and more about my son is that he is a bit hot and cold. If I don't do what he wants, he gives me the silent treatment. Then I feel guilty and always end up doing what he wants."

Acting like that because a 9 year old girl who doesn't have her bio mum in the picture wants to call you mum - Acting like that when OP has stated repeatedly she's tried many times reassuring him and telling him she'll always be his mum, be there for him, support him.

OP as far as I can tell has done nothing but try to reassure her son, and it's not working, he's still being like this.

Other Poster's have mentioned the brain maturity thing - Yes, the brain is not fully matured until 25 - but at the same time can we please stop pretending that this is normal 19 year old behaviour??
He needs to be reassured, AND it needs to be made clear that this is something he needs to come to terms with and accept whether he likes it or not without giving ultimatums and threats about never seeing the family again.

Poster's have also said, DSD calling you mum has zero actual effect on DS -
Does that mean he should "just man up"? No! But he does definitely need a shift in perspective somehow.

Everything OP has listed off very much gives me the impression he's only thinking of himself right now and is showing little to no empathy for either OP or his SS.
That could be for any number of reasons, fear/anxiety about growing up, narcissism, typical teen "main character syndrome", whatever - Does it mean you should be Kicking them out? No, of course not.
But giving them nothing but support when you don't know what the reasoning is, and essentially reinforcing this frankly quite gross behaviour towards a 9yo?? No, I don't really think that's wise either.

There's a middle ground to be had here, and I feel like it's being missed whilst a few other posters are going back and forth arguing in circles when frankly, everyone has a point to a degree!

I get what you're saying, but that doesn't make it okay does it?
Everyone is entitled to feel however they want at any time, but it doesn't make them right.

I have emotional dysregulation, I feel a certain way about many different things, and I cannot always articulate for myself why (usually due to tears, but also due to being unable to find the right words or be able to phrase it in a way that makes sense to others as they're not in my head) that doesn't mean that I am right to feel the way I am feeling.

Just because my feelings have been hurt by something, doesn't mean that I am justified in feeling that way - As someone who deals specifically with their emotions and feelings on an hourly not even daily basis, and has to work out which feelings are valid and which ones are part of my dysregulation - and take accountability for those times when it's not acceptable - This kind of "all feelings are valid" talk really worries me personally - Especially having also come from an abusive household, and having seen that be used as an excuse or justification.

It just seems to me like a very slippery slope where any behaviour at all can be excused or justified because everyone's entitled to their emotions.

As I said in a previous post, he's not an adult - but he's not a child either - There's a middle ground. No, I don't think kicking him out or giving ultimatums is wise. But I also don't think giving him only support and reassurance is wise either.

Hello everyone, thanks for the advice. I woud like to address some things I read under the post.

• My son's father and I split up long time ago. When we were 19. My son was born, and still lives in the same city. So no, he hasn't changed school & everything else a poster assumed. He has the same circle of friends since childhood. His paternal family and my family all live in the same city.

-His father has no other children.

-He has a social life, girlfriend, a job, and is overall a very extroverted young man.

So, a bit of an update. My ex and I took my son for lunch. We had a long discussion, then continued.
What bothers him is that my daughter is, I quote him, " Invading my life." I tried to ask how she was invading his life, since he's most of the time out with his friends/girlfriend. The answer is : You are not her mother. You have 3 children already.

I reassured him, told him it will never change anything, I love him and will never cease to be his mother.

Then I asked , what would be the ideal situation. Her leaving? William leaving?

Answer : No, I like her and William. But the name "mum" should only be for us, your 3 bio kids.

Then I kissed him, hugged him, told him how important it was to me, and to her. He got angry, and went over to his girlfriend's house.

I don't know what to do. If you saw my daughter, she so excited to call me mum. She goes " Mum mum mum" then if I say " Yes?" She says "I love saying mum".

She is so happy, and I am happy that she is happy.

Well done OP. Keep doing what you are doing! IE/ being a great mum to all your kids.

@Lospecesenelrio just keep.doing what you are doing. Spending time with him, listening and telling him that you love him. With boys I think it takes time, the thing underneath the "calling you mum" Will surface and you are doing a great job !

Bless you OP, you sound lovely and caring.

YANBU to let her call you mum.

Your son needs to accept it.

If it were my son I'd be telling him to grow a pair. He's an adult male who can't see how important you've become to a nine year old girl whose own mother doesn't seem to want her. He is lucky to have a Dad who wants to be in his life. Your Mum isn't the person who gives birth to you; it's the person who looks after you when you're sick or injured, goes to your school plays and is involved in your life. Your SDD clearly sees you as "Mum". Your son is free to call William and his father Dad if he wishes, or not. But he needs to grow up and stop being such a jealous baby.