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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

613 replies

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:38

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

OP posts:
therealcookiemonster · 31/12/2023 14:51

@Lospecesenelrio OP it's awful what you are going through... I think you mistakenly named your DH. you can report your own post to get it deleted or see if you can edit it...

PonyPatter44 · 31/12/2023 14:52

It sounds to me as if you are constantly trying to reassure him, as if this all comes from a place of distress rather than malice. I think he needs telling to shut the fuck up, and to put on his big boy pants and deal with it. She's his sister, he won't be "falling in love " with her, and anyeay, what makes him think that she would see him as anything other than her nasty brother? He needs to give his head a wobble, and perhaps you need to stop pandering to his moods.

Haveyouanyjam · 31/12/2023 14:55

OP I’m so sorry, he’s really showing his true colours with this situation. Either way, his behaviour is extremely manipulative and professional help sounds like the right idea.

It is more likely that he is just saying whatever he can to get you to do what he wants (I.e. not let her call you mum) than he genuinely is sexually attracted to her, but that is still unacceptable and highly manipulative. If your instinct is saying he is dangerous, listen to it. It may just be a warning sign that he will become worse if this behaviour is left unchallenged further.

I would still be mindful of him with all of your daughters for now, as of course better safe than sorry, but it sounds like he has been harbouring extreme jealousy toward your SD. I would be explicitly clear that it would be illegal for him to pursue a relationship with your SD as they have grown up in the same home together whilst both children. (I believe this is correct, I think it’s legal to marry your step sibling if you met as adults/didn’t grow up together, but not if you didn’t, but could be wrong.) In either regard I would assume you’d say to him his twin sisters could be supermodels and it would be incest regardless of how any of his sisters look!

I would almost be grateful that he is making these statements so openly now, as it means you know he needs help and support and it’s serious. Better that than him festering on it, pretending he doesn’t care and then harming your SD in some way.

Original poster
Lospecesenelrio · 31/12/2023 14:57

therealcookiemonster · 31/12/2023 14:51

@Lospecesenelrio OP it's awful what you are going through... I think you mistakenly named your DH. you can report your own post to get it deleted or see if you can edit it...

William is not his real name. It is an alias I used. Thank you for your concern

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 31/12/2023 14:58

therealcookiemonster · 31/12/2023 14:51

@Lospecesenelrio OP it's awful what you are going through... I think you mistakenly named your DH. you can report your own post to get it deleted or see if you can edit it...

He’s not really William, it’s for the purpose of the thread.

Round3HereWeGo · 31/12/2023 15:01

Your son is being childish and ridicilous. Tell him so. Tell him that you can make decisions for yourself and neither he, nor anyone else has the right to tell you what to do. That he has no right to control anyone and that he needs to give his head a shake.

mayorofcasterbridge · 31/12/2023 15:06

Sounds like he is ramping things up, as he is getting more desperate to stop it. He is being totally and utterly irrational now, and you must be at your wits' end.

I don't think anyone here can help you. As you and your ex have agreed, it's time for professional help - if your son will accept it. He's just utterly filled with resentment, isn't he?

He does need reminding though that he doesn't get to call the shots. It must be very hard to tell him you love him when he is coming out with such crap. You are so much more of a patient woman than I am. I would have lost my shit, I'm afraid. Sounds like he's been too used to getting his own way.

Original poster
Lospecesenelrio · 31/12/2023 15:10

@mayorofcasterbridge You are right. It's entirely my fault, and his dad's fault too. Because we had him so young, we were desperate to prove we could be "good parents".

I wanted my boy to always be happy, fearing judgements. So I pretty much said yes to everything. So did his father. I messed up. I got used to the unhealthy dynamic and gave in to keep the peace. Now I am getting the results.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lospecesenelrio · 31/12/2023 15:13

Round3HereWeGo · 31/12/2023 15:01

Your son is being childish and ridicilous. Tell him so. Tell him that you can make decisions for yourself and neither he, nor anyone else has the right to tell you what to do. That he has no right to control anyone and that he needs to give his head a shake.

Well, he sure cannot decide for my parents or siblings. My daughter is part of the family, my parents and siblings adore her.

I am seriously starting to get p*ssed off, and feel like telling him to live with his father.

Sorry , I forgot to mention that, but when he was 15, he decided he wanted to live with his dad. I begged him to stay. He left, but came back 2 weeks later.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 31/12/2023 15:15

I honestly don’t think you should blame yourself @Lospecesenelrio. We all do the best we can and you were so young when he was born. You’ve raised him thoughtfully and carefully, this isn’t your fault.

He seems to be pathologically jealous and resentful of his sister for some reason and he clearly needs help to unravel and process the cause of that. A therapist should be able to help him but the issue is that he’s an adult and has to accept that he needs that help. It’s a horrible situation all round.

OhmygodDont · 31/12/2023 15:17

Sounds like his going to pushing any button he can to try and get you to react. If you kick him out that’s your choice but you will just add fuel to the fire with how he feels about her invading his family.

BIossomtoes · 31/12/2023 15:19

OhmygodDont · 31/12/2023 15:17

Sounds like his going to pushing any button he can to try and get you to react. If you kick him out that’s your choice but you will just add fuel to the fire with how he feels about her invading his family.

What an apposite user name for that post! You’re absolutely right, kicking out would be the worst possible thing.

FraiseRoyale · 31/12/2023 15:21

OP, I think you are being too hard on yourself. So many posters on here have projected and speculated that his upbringing is the cause of his issues. If anything, it seems to me that he has had a very loving upbringing with many people in his life who love and support him. Perhaps you have been too indulgent, but there are many external factors that affect a young person's acquisition of attitudes and values, especially these days with easy access to all sorts on social media and the internet.

Hopefully, your son can get the help he needs to resolve some of these issues, and your whole family can move forward.

Genericusername3 · 31/12/2023 15:27

Lospecesenelrio · 31/12/2023 15:10

@mayorofcasterbridge You are right. It's entirely my fault, and his dad's fault too. Because we had him so young, we were desperate to prove we could be "good parents".

I wanted my boy to always be happy, fearing judgements. So I pretty much said yes to everything. So did his father. I messed up. I got used to the unhealthy dynamic and gave in to keep the peace. Now I am getting the results.

@Lospecesenelrio so sorry you’re going through this.

I’ve probably mentioned a handful of times on this thread that professional help would definitely be the way forward. And it’s brilliant you have a certain level of self awareness too - I’m not saying you should blame yourself completely but some parents will not take any responsibility at all for issues that show up in their kids, so I think this self awareness will really help you all moving forward.

I just hope you can manage to get him to accept the involvement of professionals on this.

He may have just been saying something extreme for the point of shocking you into doing what he wants, which isn’t justifiable in itself, but it’s completely understandable that you’d be worried about this kind of comment.

These are only my thoughts but I feel that there’s a possibility it might not even be the fact that she is SD rather than DD that he’s bothered about, although he’s using that to his advantage. In some first borns, once a second child comes along they effectively feel “dethroned” and can form inferiority complex based off of this. It could be that after so long of having you and his birth father do everything he wanted, another child has come along and he’s struggled with the dynamic change. Obviously I have no idea whether this is the case with your son but I really do wish you all the best in getting to the bottom of this.

mayorofcasterbridge · 31/12/2023 15:40

Lospecesenelrio · 31/12/2023 15:10

@mayorofcasterbridge You are right. It's entirely my fault, and his dad's fault too. Because we had him so young, we were desperate to prove we could be "good parents".

I wanted my boy to always be happy, fearing judgements. So I pretty much said yes to everything. So did his father. I messed up. I got used to the unhealthy dynamic and gave in to keep the peace. Now I am getting the results.

You did the best you knew at the time. It's coming across loud and clear how much he's been loved and cared for by his family.

I think it maybe is time to put your foot down on this one. It's too important to you and your daughter.

mayorofcasterbridge · 31/12/2023 15:43

He's at uni now - is there scope for him to live independently? I know you don't want him to feel pushed out or anything - but maybe he needs to learn a few life lessons? I know my DS, similar age, needs to move out to knock a few edges off!

AgentJohnson · 31/12/2023 16:03

Firstly, cut yourself some slack! You won’t be the first parent to parent out of guilt and as a consequence raised a little prince. I would have a talk to his biological father and agree how you plan to tackle his behaviour, appeasement has brought you here but it doesn’t have to define your future relationship with him. His immaturity is showing. and he’s trying to manipulate you like he always has done. I think his clumsy what if comments about falling for his sister, is a perfect illustration of his immaturity.

I don’t think all is lost but there does appear to be a need for professional support (I would be very worried how his level of entitlement could impact any future relationship with a gf or bf).

Stand firm but stand firm with professional support (family therapist) in place.

Jk8 · 31/12/2023 16:12

@Lospecesenelrio but I have this voice in my head telling me "he's dangerous"

of course you do, everybody heres been telling you he's awful, terrible, offensive, abusive, manipulative ect. & you've said nothing to defend him only saying you personally have never done anything to cause him to be insecure ect.

get off mumsnet, look after all you kids & follow your childrens desires (to a point) im what they're comfortable telling you = he doesn't want another sister/child calling you mum. So either change or be prepared to cut ties for a few years.

He's absolutely not a paedophile if he has a girlfriend in his age group & no history of abusing minors so comments like this will simply stir up complete drama & 'you need to kick him out' sentiment.

this thread is turning into a shit show

Hairyfairy01 · 31/12/2023 16:13

Do you or have you ever had any concerns about your sons and your daughter's relationship? What he said about the supermodel stuff has obviously set something off in you. Why? What is your gut telling you? Listen to it.

The fact you call her your daughter means she is your daughter and you are her mum. It sounds like you have a lovely bond. You have done nothing wrong here.

Jk8 · 31/12/2023 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Calliopespa · 31/12/2023 20:32

Hairyfairy01 · 31/12/2023 16:13

Do you or have you ever had any concerns about your sons and your daughter's relationship? What he said about the supermodel stuff has obviously set something off in you. Why? What is your gut telling you? Listen to it.

The fact you call her your daughter means she is your daughter and you are her mum. It sounds like you have a lovely bond. You have done nothing wrong here.

Possibly the reaction is triggered by something rather less dramatic (Cf what is being inferred), namely that he has an indisputable point along the lines that he and the SD are not blood relatives at any level, not with him nor his “mum”, nor his grandparents. I think he has chosen a lurid way of making that point. Many are of the opinion that that shouldn’t matter; but DS seems to feel it does. I expect OP might find a strictly biological analysis upsetting, having cared for this little girl.

Calliopespa · 31/12/2023 20:36

But OP I actually think this thread has done any good it is going to do now. You seem to have settled on a path and, while you may be cross with him, leaving open a thread that is producing such negative discussion of your DS is becoming steadily less constructive .

Genericusername3 · 31/12/2023 21:57

Calliopespa · 31/12/2023 20:36

But OP I actually think this thread has done any good it is going to do now. You seem to have settled on a path and, while you may be cross with him, leaving open a thread that is producing such negative discussion of your DS is becoming steadily less constructive .

Completely agree 👍🏻

pineapplesundae · 31/12/2023 22:31

Dear lord! I was thinking before that he might hurt your daughter so I totally agree with you, he’s dangerous. Does he want to live with his father? And I know you have to tread that lightly. He needs the professional help that you mentioned but you need professional guidance in how to deal with him in the meantime. So sorry that you have to deal with this.

pineapplesundae · 31/12/2023 22:39

I’m going to throw this out just as food for thought. Your son mentioned your daughter becoming a super model, which is odd. Could it be that he is playing the long game and hopes to have a relationship with her in the far future? Can’t date your sister. She must be a very pretty girl for him to say something like that. Food for thought!