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Original poster

To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

613 replies

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:38

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

OP posts:
Castellanos · 31/12/2023 23:11

Definitely the right call for professional support OP - really glad you've come to that decision in agreement with his dad. Agree this thread is probably not going to be the best place for help for you right now.

I shouldn't try to read too much in to what he's saying. I'm hoping all of this is some kind of mixed up cry for help, coming from a place of fear, rather than anything more sinister, but it needs professional support to work it all through properly.

Please don't beat yourself up though, you've had a really tough job from the start, and are doing pretty amazingly! Not one of us parents in the perfect way all the time, all we can do is our best and be open to changing track when needed, and that's what you're doing.

DeeLusional · 31/12/2023 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MustWeDoThis · 01/01/2024 01:19

Lol what? By that account adopted children don't have a Mum or Dad, either. You don't need to be blood related to be someone's parent. It's a draconian idea to think that way.

The O/P is her Mum. The little girl has chosen her to be her parent. That is a massive thing. To be called Mum or Dad is a huge privilege, not one that is just given to a donor.

Kinneddar · 01/01/2024 06:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

pineapplesundae · 01/01/2024 06:15

That’s why I said the long game! He may be looking down the road. Don’t you remember Woody Allen? Married his adopted daughter! Stuff happens.

Demainsdeslaube · 01/01/2024 12:02

But you are not her mother. I am on DS side. You are his mum. Let her call you by a nickname. Find her mother. What type of person let's a little girl call them mum when mother is alive???

sunglassesonthetable · 01/01/2024 12:43

Find her mother. What type of person let's a little girl call them mum when mother is alive???

God alive. What kind of pure nonsense is this?

puddypud · 01/01/2024 13:06

Demainsdeslaube · 01/01/2024 12:02

But you are not her mother. I am on DS side. You are his mum. Let her call you by a nickname. Find her mother. What type of person let's a little girl call them mum when mother is alive???

What a stupid stupid comment. Shame on you.

Grimchmas · 01/01/2024 13:09

Demainsdeslaube · 01/01/2024 12:02

But you are not her mother. I am on DS side. You are his mum. Let her call you by a nickname. Find her mother. What type of person let's a little girl call them mum when mother is alive???

Tell me your either haven't read all of OP's posts or your reading comprehension skills are low without telling me...

yhk · 01/01/2024 13:55

Lospecesenelrio · 31/12/2023 14:36

Hello everyone. Thank you for you kind words, support. Unfortunately, it is just getting worst. His father and I agreed we'll get him professional help ASAP.

Some of the things he said to us this morning is just plain disgusting and it is mental torture. He has not said anything too suggestive but, still, it sounds so gross to me. I let you be the judge ( This is basically a summary of what he has mentioned :

" Daughter isn't my sister. I am fed up that she gets along with grandpa, grandma. Even my own father likes her. I will be OK with her calling you mum if you were the only one who liked her, but my entire family? It's my uncles, aunts, grandparents. Not hers. So either you let call you Firstname and she can be part of our family or she calls you mum and she doesn't see anyone".

Then again, I tried to reassure him. Told him she was part of the family. She is his sisters' sister. I have known her longer than my 2 youngest. I have changed her nappies, fed her, and everything I did for him.

Then he said: What if she turns out to be a super model and I fall in love with her ?🤢🤢🤢🤢
I am afraid to leave him with my daughters now. I don't know why, but I have this voice in my head telling me "he's dangerous".

XXXX thinks I am overreacting, but I can't stop thinking about that phrase.

Post edited by MNHQ to delete identifying information

Then he said: What if she turns out to be a super model and I fall in love with her ?

Yep, that comment right there confirms that something is not right. It's not normal for a man to have this thought about his 9 year old step-sister.

It's abnormal for your son to have such a massive complex with your step-daughter calling you "mum".

yhk · 01/01/2024 13:59

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

The OP literally stated that one of her son's arguments against the step-daughter calling the OP "mum" was that she could turn out to be a supermodel and that he could fall in love with her.

How else can somebody take that? It's odd and perverse.

Dontcallmescarface · 01/01/2024 14:03

Demainsdeslaube · 01/01/2024 12:02

But you are not her mother. I am on DS side. You are his mum. Let her call you by a nickname. Find her mother. What type of person let's a little girl call them mum when mother is alive???

A better woman than the mother who abandons their own DD.

BIossomtoes · 01/01/2024 14:05

Demainsdeslaube · 01/01/2024 12:02

But you are not her mother. I am on DS side. You are his mum. Let her call you by a nickname. Find her mother. What type of person let's a little girl call them mum when mother is alive???

An adoptive mother. OP’s daughter has asked her to adopt her.

Madamum18 · 01/01/2024 15:16

Lospecesenelrio · 31/12/2023 14:36

Hello everyone. Thank you for you kind words, support. Unfortunately, it is just getting worst. His father and I agreed we'll get him professional help ASAP.

Some of the things he said to us this morning is just plain disgusting and it is mental torture. He has not said anything too suggestive but, still, it sounds so gross to me. I let you be the judge ( This is basically a summary of what he has mentioned :

" Daughter isn't my sister. I am fed up that she gets along with grandpa, grandma. Even my own father likes her. I will be OK with her calling you mum if you were the only one who liked her, but my entire family? It's my uncles, aunts, grandparents. Not hers. So either you let call you Firstname and she can be part of our family or she calls you mum and she doesn't see anyone".

Then again, I tried to reassure him. Told him she was part of the family. She is his sisters' sister. I have known her longer than my 2 youngest. I have changed her nappies, fed her, and everything I did for him.

Then he said: What if she turns out to be a super model and I fall in love with her ?🤢🤢🤢🤢
I am afraid to leave him with my daughters now. I don't know why, but I have this voice in my head telling me "he's dangerous".

XXXX thinks I am overreacting, but I can't stop thinking about that phrase.

Post edited by MNHQ to delete identifying information

Some very strange and mixed up stuff here that isn't really articulating what the problem is! Counselling/professional help is the right way. Well done to you and his dad

Diamondcurtains · 01/01/2024 15:23

Your son is acting like a child. It’s utterly ridiculous. She can call you what she wants and it’s bugger all to do with your son. Ffs he’s a grown man!

Newnameshoos · 01/01/2024 15:28

Your poor step-daughter should be able to choose what to call you. Your adult (but still growing up!) teenage son needs to back off and accept that it would be a huge rejection of your SD if you asked her to not call you mum any more. Just because it doesn't align with what he chooses to call his step-dad doesn't mean that it's wrong. His situation is also very different as he has both his dad and his step-dad providing positive male role modelling for him. Again it doesn't mean that his situation is right and hers wrong, just different.

Madamum18 · 01/01/2024 15:29

JK8 He's absolutely not a paedophile if he has a girlfriend in his age group & no history of abusing minors so comments like this will simply stir up complete drama & 'you need to kick him out' sentiment.

I am NOT suggesting in any way that the OPs son is a paedophile; I have no idea as do none of us on here!

However the statement above regarding "proof" that he is not a paedophile "because he has a girlfriend and no history of abusing minors" is dangerous and naive rubbish. Neither of those things show irrefutably that he "absolutely is not a paedophile" and I would hope that most people would absolutely know that!

OhmygodDont · 01/01/2024 17:18

Again this is the ops oldest child feeling pushed out and pushed aside by a cuckoo / an interloper.

He and his half siblings are his mother’s biological children. He and this daughter are step siblings with that what entitles good or bad other parents. Two homes. Two set of rules. Etc. the ops step daughters mum going awol and now wanting to call op mum is in the sons eyes making her on par with a biological. His now the interloper the cuckoo the only one who doesn’t have one family, the only one with two homes. Yes his 19 now this this has been building since his mum first got with her partner. His been feeling slowly pushed out and held onto the one thing being that the other child in the house bar the ties. Was also a part timer in the house was also just a step. But now she’s getting a whole and his just the half.

His using anything he can throw at his mum and nobody is listening to him. Nobody is understanding it’s not about her as a person it’s what she represents as per his outrage that his mother would be happy for him to call another women mother when she is not.

this is dmanaged young man who’s been a damaged he’s young boy but nobodies ever listened and tried to truly help. Hugs and kisses and word don’t always help when someone sees actions just showing that they are not as worth or not as important.

Genericusername3 · 01/01/2024 20:35

OhmygodDont · 01/01/2024 17:18

Again this is the ops oldest child feeling pushed out and pushed aside by a cuckoo / an interloper.

He and his half siblings are his mother’s biological children. He and this daughter are step siblings with that what entitles good or bad other parents. Two homes. Two set of rules. Etc. the ops step daughters mum going awol and now wanting to call op mum is in the sons eyes making her on par with a biological. His now the interloper the cuckoo the only one who doesn’t have one family, the only one with two homes. Yes his 19 now this this has been building since his mum first got with her partner. His been feeling slowly pushed out and held onto the one thing being that the other child in the house bar the ties. Was also a part timer in the house was also just a step. But now she’s getting a whole and his just the half.

His using anything he can throw at his mum and nobody is listening to him. Nobody is understanding it’s not about her as a person it’s what she represents as per his outrage that his mother would be happy for him to call another women mother when she is not.

this is dmanaged young man who’s been a damaged he’s young boy but nobodies ever listened and tried to truly help. Hugs and kisses and word don’t always help when someone sees actions just showing that they are not as worth or not as important.

Yes.. so many people on here are way too quick to judge him. The lack of compassion for what could be quite a vulnerable young man has honestly astounded me.

Kinneddar · 01/01/2024 20:38

Again this is the ops oldest child feeling pushed out and pushed aside by a cuckoo / an interloper

What a horrible thing to call her. She's a 9 year old girl living with her Dad & Stepmum she's not some random waif or stray they picked up

mayorofcasterbridge · 02/01/2024 00:25

OhmygodDont · 01/01/2024 17:18

Again this is the ops oldest child feeling pushed out and pushed aside by a cuckoo / an interloper.

He and his half siblings are his mother’s biological children. He and this daughter are step siblings with that what entitles good or bad other parents. Two homes. Two set of rules. Etc. the ops step daughters mum going awol and now wanting to call op mum is in the sons eyes making her on par with a biological. His now the interloper the cuckoo the only one who doesn’t have one family, the only one with two homes. Yes his 19 now this this has been building since his mum first got with her partner. His been feeling slowly pushed out and held onto the one thing being that the other child in the house bar the ties. Was also a part timer in the house was also just a step. But now she’s getting a whole and his just the half.

His using anything he can throw at his mum and nobody is listening to him. Nobody is understanding it’s not about her as a person it’s what she represents as per his outrage that his mother would be happy for him to call another women mother when she is not.

this is dmanaged young man who’s been a damaged he’s young boy but nobodies ever listened and tried to truly help. Hugs and kisses and word don’t always help when someone sees actions just showing that they are not as worth or not as important.

What an utterly horrible, nasty post!!!

To describe a little 9 year old girl as a "cuckoo" is appalling. She is a much-loved and equal member of the family!!!!

Can't you read?? There ARE no "two homes"!!! This little girl's mother has effectively abandoned her! There ARE no "two sets of rules"!!

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Grimchmas · 02/01/2024 05:30

@OhmygodDont have you actually read all of the OP's posts? It is possible to do so without having to scroll through the whole thread.

If you had have read all of the OP's posts, you will have seen that this young man has absolutely been listened to - all of his life, and especially recently to try to understand and help him with what he is struggling with here.

Being listened to is not the same as having your opinions and demands agreed with. As it transpires this is likely the cause of the issues, because his young parents indulged his every whim as a child, thinking they were doing their best to raise a happy healthy young man who knew he was loved. Unfortunately now he's making a demand that absolutely cannot morally be met, and he's having the mother of all tantrums because he's not used to having to deal with accepting that things don't always go the way you want them to.

CecilyP · 02/01/2024 07:47

Kinneddar · 01/01/2024 20:38

Again this is the ops oldest child feeling pushed out and pushed aside by a cuckoo / an interloper

What a horrible thing to call her. She's a 9 year old girl living with her Dad & Stepmum she's not some random waif or stray they picked up

And even if she was, say as a foster child, if would be reasonable for her to call OP mum!

CecilyP · 02/01/2024 07:51

Yes.. so many people on here are way too quick to judge him. The lack of compassion for what could be quite a vulnerable young man has honestly astounded me.

How is he vulnerable? He’s a young man living his life; job, friends, girlfriend, social life. He has both parents who, although separated, get on well and a stepdad who he likes. He may have issues but seems to be used to calling the shots.

CecilyP · 02/01/2024 07:55

Can't you read?? There ARE no "two homes"!!! This little girl's mother has effectively abandoned her! There ARE no "two sets of rules"!!

I think the PP meant the DS had two homes and this represented an additional hardship for him!