To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

[Lospecesenelrio]

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

Your son is pathetic. Sorry. What sort of 19 years old has this type of behaviour? I would be concerned that there is something not quite right with him. It not up to him. Maybe he is enjoying the power you have given him. It's not his decision to make. You don't need his permission. You have given him way too much say in this and it hasn't worked.

What an update Op. I'm so sorry that your son is standing so firm on this. He sounds like he's purposely lashing out, saying cruel things and trying to hurt you by using your daughter against you. Does he not think adopted children don't deserve to have a mum & dad either, because of biology? He'd rather a little girl had no mother, than share his? That's a very sad outlook.

Positive is he’s talking,saying what’s on his mind. It’s an illogical & deep rooted anxiety not rational. Emotions impede judgement & behaviour. Just maintain open communication, tell him he’s loved, reassure him. Maintain normality and routine, keep checking in. No harsh or unnecessary move’s necessary, he remains at home. Keep your ex on board both be consistent with the message your son is loved and you’re very much his mum

He should be ashamed of himself. Keep doing what you're doing. Can you imagine the devastation it could cause to her if you backtracked.

You’re doing a great job OP, I’m sure he will come round in time. It sounds like he’s digging in because he doesn’t actually really know why it’s bothering him, just that it is, and therefore is doing what he can to make it go away, rather than dig down as to why it bothers him so much. Keep doing what you’re doing!

Maybe try a counselor. For some reason, warped though it is, your son has a real problem with this.

Keep going OP. It’s not fair or reasonable of DS to expect you to exclude a child in this way purely on biology. Thank you for updating us

It really sounds as if you are doing everything right. Perhaps he is just used to being able to get his own way with stropping? But I know you don't need us to tell you that this one, this is the one not to back down on. This is the hill.

Honestly I think you are doing great. I'm sorry he's not come round yet.

That's all very well but it's not reflective of how this young man is feeling!

It may not make it ok, but it can't be ignored either?

I've been Team DS all through this thread.

However, @Lospecesenelrio, having read your update, you have bent over backwards to accommodate his issues, and he hasn't come up with any sound reason why he isn't comfortable with his stepsister calling you 'mum'.

Just do it. He can like it or lump it.

@Lospecesenelrio I am not going to run your DS down as I have children who do irrational things and sometimes say worse.
All you can is keep reiterating to him what you have said to him over lunch. Nothing changes. You are still my son. I love you all.

And hope that he comes round (I think he will)

I really think a therapist would be best placed to help with this now, rather than MN.

There are some psychotherapeutic theories that I am aware of which may provide some understanding as to what is going on with your son, however this can only really be explored with a licensed / accredited therapist, and I certainly don’t feel best placed to try to explain them myself especially given there’s more to it than just applying a theory to someone because ‘maybe’ it fits. A therapist would be able to work with you and your son to really develop a depth of understanding which could benefit the situation and everyone involved. As much as I’d always advocate for therapy I’m not saying this is the only option, hopefully with time your son will come around.

So many people on here (myself included) are throwing around opinions about your son, some from a more compassionate standpoint and some being downright rude. But none of us are ever actually going to be able to help you with it, OP. And people can only advise you from their own frame of reference - which is not yours.

He says he likes William and SD, so hopefully with time he will come to realise that SD is a fully fledged part of your family, and is just as deserving of your love and acceptance as he is.

It sounds like you’re doing your best OP and I admire you for standing ground with this too, for SD’s sake. She’s very lucky to have someone like you to call mum.

Perfect post

Hes not a bellend. He's a young immature man who is struggling and needs help to work out all the confusing feelings he has

Ooh I hadn’t seen these.

Great explanation. (From @Devonshiregal particularly)

I’m not keen how some parents talk negatively about their (barely) adult children, self-reflection is always key in the parent too, it’s not always ‘parent knows best’.

Tell your son you may not be her mother but you are her mum. Whilst you did not give birth to her you are raising her, just like you raised him and the twins. She is your daughter legally through marriage as well as in your heart. It does not change the relationship with your son the same as having more children naturally did not change this. Adopting her would not make any difference to how you feel but I doubt he would suddenly change because you are legally her mother. My son has called my partner dad since he was 2 as dp raised him when his father has been mainly absent. I always refer to dp as his dad and the bio waster as his father. The term in the dictionary basically refers to the sperms donor rather well where as dad clearly states the man who raised you. I should imagine mother will mention the one that carried you and mum being the person who raised you. If so I would show your son and say he is lucky that to him you are both of these where as to her you are a mum.

I think your son is completely unreasonable but I think you need to show him some empathy and have a big chat or maybe even a joint counselling session about why he's so upset.

If he refuses to engage, I'd keep doing what you've been doing and sod him quite frankly. It's lovely that you're there for your step-daughter.

Well you have done the right thing especially having his dad supporting to. Now I think you just have to stick to what you feel is right. There is a bit of a catalyst time here for your son who has to learn that he cannot always have things his way and that he has to accept that others may do things differently to what he wants. And that bad behaviour is not appropriate to manipulate people to get his own way!

If he complains repeat that you love him and tell him that it is his prerogative to disagree with you but it is your prerogative to do what you think is right...and that your actions/decision do not impact in any way on how you feel about him as your birth son/you as his natural mother - he does seem to find this aspect very important so worth referring to.

You are a thoughtful and emotionally intelligent mother who sees the good and the less nice aspects of your sons personality which is important in helping him to grow into a mature and resilient adult over time

Does your step-daughter know this is how your son feels about her calling you “mum”?

I agree with the majority here that your DSD should be able to call you mum and your DS doesn’t have a veto on this bid needs support to unpick why he feels so strongly about this.

My concern would be in the interim that any reaction from your DS doesn’t create lasting damage, which I would be worried about if DSD knows about your DS’s feelings.

So you’ve known your step daughter since she was 10 months and her own mother is pretty much absent from her life? You are her mother. Your son is being ridiculous and seems to lack empathy or compassion. I wouldn’t be taking him out for a chat and indulging in any of his shit, he’s 19 not 12 and he sounds incredibly selfish.

sounds a bit mean

ask him to try and think like your SD, she’s trying to fit in a feel safe

he sounds jealous and needs to grow up

I think it’s lovely that throughout this thread you refer to her as your daughter, only once referring to her as your step daughter… the absence of mum must be so hard for her… Your son is incredibly selfish and immature.
I would maybe write him a letter that he can read and process in his own time, explaining that while she is not your bio daughter, she has been in both your lives since she was a toddler… also that she shares half her DNA with the Twins, as does he!…. Which gives them a special link as they share biological sisters! I’d also write that while he’s very lucky to have a very caring dad who sees him and supports him, she has a mother who for various reasons hasn’t seen her for 4 years…. And ask him to consider how that rejection must feel to a girl who is heading towards puberty/seniors etc…. If calling you mum makes her feel secure/wanted/loved then surely he doesn’t resent that (put this in letter)..
Tell him her wanting to call you mum is a privilege to you, and you wish he’d see her as his sister as much as the twins are… she wants and needs to be part of the family and being the only one without having a mum must be heart breaking.
Being a parent is about so much more than just biology, and I’d tell him that, and tell him that you’ve raised her and bathed her and dressed her etc, and that is why her calling you mum should offend him! And again being called mum or dad is an honour and obviously if her own mum was around you would maybe discourage it because she had a mum and you wouldn’t want to upset her, but since she doesn’t have an active role in your daughters life then you don’t mind and neither should he!

Don’t say this obviously but I find your son very manipulative, he emotionally blackmails by giving you the silent treatment until you give in… or threatens to never talk to you again….. let him give you the silent treatment.. let him stay at his dads or girlfriends and sulk….. he will need you or need to come home so will have to back down…or maybe the space will make him consider if this is really all that bad… if being called mum is a huge deal, and he sees it as some huge thing that you don’t mind him called his step mum ‘mum’… then surely he see parents as some massive thing in his life which is lovely…. Except he doesn’t because if that were the case he wouldn’t even consider ‘never’ talking to you again! … next time he makes such a threat tell him that such a threat is contradictory of how important he ‘says’ the title mum / son is… and that this time his threats and tantrums won’t work, because he’s a grown ass man who should be able to see that her calling you mum doesn’t change anything because you already love and treat her like a daughter anyway!! And that one day if he meets someone with a child already you’d hope he’d treat and love that child like his own and would hope that he’d be happy for them to call you nan/grandma etc same as his bio children would!!
Then just leave it… let him think it all through, let him realise that this is how it is now and no amount of sulking will make you act cruelly to your eldest daughter… she’s probably been trying to pluck up the courage to ask you for a long time, feeling different and not fully in the family because she doesn’t call you mum…. I think you’re a rare treasure @Lospecesenelrio and more step parents should be like you. Tell your son in no uncertain terms that he’s always going to be your special boy…but you have 3 daughters and whether she calls you Sue or mum won’t change the fact she’s your daughter in your heart!The same as he’ll always be your first born, your Son and you’ll always love him !!

like I say, let him sulk, let him strop… don’t back down .. he’s an adult and needs to grow up and also needs to recognise that she IS your daughter, and calling you anything but mum like her 3 siblings singles her out and makes her feel that little bit ‘OUT’ of the unit!

and let’s face it, she will always be aware of the fact you’re not her real mum, the same as he will always feel you’re not her ‘real’ mum…. BUT if calling you mum makes her ‘fit’and helps her through the teenage years then that 3 letter word is worth more than anything!
That little girl will always remember the first time she called you mum and will treasure your acceptance! Imagine the rejection of you saying ‘you can’t call me mum because Fred doesn’t like it’…

I hope your son grows up and turns into as nice a person as you and his bio father sound! Your family dynamics of you all getting on and supporting each other sounds amazing!

I've read all your posts, OP. You sound lovely, warm and caring and I can well understand why your SD wants to call you mum. Your son...sounds difficult. Realistically, anyone else he tries to moan to about this will tell him he's being a ridiculous little drama queen. I wonder if perhaps you might do the same thing.

should NOT offend

Hello everyone. Thank you for you kind words, support. Unfortunately, it is just getting worst. His father and I agreed we'll get him professional help ASAP.

Some of the things he said to us this morning is just plain disgusting and it is mental torture. He has not said anything too suggestive but, still, it sounds so gross to me. I let you be the judge ( This is basically a summary of what he has mentioned :

" Daughter isn't my sister. I am fed up that she gets along with grandpa, grandma. Even my own father likes her. I will be OK with her calling you mum if you were the only one who liked her, but my entire family? It's my uncles, aunts, grandparents. Not hers. So either you let call you Firstname and she can be part of our family or she calls you mum and she doesn't see anyone".

Then again, I tried to reassure him. Told him she was part of the family. She is his sisters' sister. I have known her longer than my 2 youngest. I have changed her nappies, fed her, and everything I did for him.

Then he said: What if she turns out to be a super model and I fall in love with her ?🤢🤢🤢🤢
I am afraid to leave him with my daughters now. I don't know why, but I have this voice in my head telling me "he's dangerous".

XXXX thinks I am overreacting, but I can't stop thinking about that phrase.

Post edited by MNHQ to delete identifying information