Am i raising a brat??

[Mimikyuu]

My 10 year old (nearly 11) daughter argues with me all the time. I’m starting to think I’ve gone wrong somewhere or is this just normal for this age?

Example: tonight, she wants me to do her nails for her (I have gel paints and a uv lamp) for a party she’s going to tomorrow. I said yes that’s fine but in order to have time to do this I need to you to help me by tidying the living room while I’m sorting out the toddlers and putting them to bed. Que massive argument because she doesn’t want to do this so I’ve said no nails.

Since learning to cook (she goes to private lessons) she’s become very overly critical of anything I cook (I worked as a chef for a number of years so my cooking isn’t bad at all!). She makes comments about my food while we are eating and I tell her I think he’s being rude and just eat it or leave it.

My husband thinks I’m too soft, but I don’t think I am, I think Im being fair. We both had very strict upbringings, and here he hasn’t been effected by this I have and don’t want to repeat this sort of parenting with my kids.

Im just at a loss because she always such a lovely, pleasant girl and she mostly still is but she has become lazy and demanding recently and it’s making my life difficult. I don’t ask her for much, but I do tell her that as a person who lives in the house, she is also responsible for maintaining it, such as her bedroom and any little jobs I ask her to do.

Does this sound like normal 10 year old girl behavior or do I need to crack down a bit harder? Im on my own most evenings so it’s difficult as the toddlers are a fucking nightmare!

Some of you sound like absolutely shit parents on here (not you, OP)

it does sound like she’s boundary pushing and at almost 11 it sounds like puberty might be beginning. Tell her if she isn’t happy with your cooking she can make her own or help you to cook! The tidying thing sounds like typical child/ teen rebellion behaviour though, no child wants to tidy up, but as long as you stick to your guns it will be fine!

It's what my mum would have called getting too big for her boots. But it sounds like you know just how to handle it.
The only thing you do need to nip in the bud is the commenting on your food. Shut it down every time but keep it good humoured.
"This is tea time, not master chef. Eat it or don't eat it but you don't criticise food that someone else has gone to the trouble of making for you."
If she won't stop, you might have to give her beans on toast for a week.

I was reading and wondering the same thing. Cooking is absolutely a life skill. I know some posters have said she should teach her herself but some have specifically cited swimming as a life skill rather than cooking.

Wtf?

She doesn't sound THAT bad, more like she's pushing boundaries as she enters puberty. It's not unusual for kids to develop a bit of an attitude, the important thing is to stand up to them when they do it so they don't learn that it's acceptable to treat you or anyone else poorly without consequences.

With regards to the food issue - your DD is learning to cook for herself. Every time she critiques your cooking, I think you should inform her that, since your cooking is so terrible and she's the expert, she'll be making dinner another night in the week. And hold her to it. Either she'll step up and enjoy the extra responsibility and you'll get a night off from cooking now and then, or she'll hate it and learn to keep her negative comments to herself.

As for the nails situation, she was being a bit of a brat, but do you think she is feeling left out at all? Toddlers do indeed take up a fair bit of time in the evenings. Could you set aside some free time each week to spend time with her so she's not asking for things at awkward times where you have to turn her down (appreciate your example above was a party, so not a regular occasion)? Assuming you haven't already, of course. That way you can get quality time with her without being at her beck and call.

I think you're handling things fine in the above examples, but it sounds like she's still getting under your skin - which is understandable, I've no doubt it's irritating! She's testing your limits and prodding you for a reaction. Just remember that you're the adult and stay in control of the situation rather than ending up snapping at or bickering with her. Try not to view her behaviour as her attacking you, see it as her asking you for boundaries. You're entering a new chapter of parenthood and your relationship.

It is boring and tedious to be the "mean mum" when you pull your kids up for their behavior and tell them your expectations which may mean you don't let things slide which other parents would. I couldn't care less, I was determined that my kids would be people others enjoyed having around and thought of others. Empathy doesn't come naturally necessarily and sometimes you may think you are pointing out the bleeding obvious but our grown kids have told us they think we are great parents because we did keep boundaries solid when the easiest thing was to cave. My girls still have wills of iron but they use their powers for good and not evil 😄. I am not the remotely bit sorry for expecting respect toward me at all times. I am a very loving mum but I also have standards of how they treat others. I also taught them how to put in boundaries to prevent others from also treating them badly. Self-respect is a non-negotiable for me.

Are you trying to give her skin cancer?

OP - Forget some of the pearl clutcher replies on here. I think.she sounds a typical 10/11 year old ( i have one). They push the boundaries at this age , theres hormones involved and they learn from their peers. I think cooking lessons are a great idea. Learning basic life skills at any age is surely of benefit,and will hopefully guide her into cooking creating healthy& nutritious meals. As for the nails, if she wants them - let her have them if you feel thats ok! I have found this age to be quite difficult- but with good communication and certain boundaries in place - we can get through it!!
*edited- because id be pissed off with the comments on my food. Respect works both ways and point out to her that you wouldn't put down her cooking in that way.

I think the cooking lessons are a great idea. I also think you should wait until she says something picky about your cooking and then tell her that she is going to prepare a meal for your family on (Saturday?), and you are going to go “Masterchef” on her and see how she likes it. I would let her know that she is to provide a list of ingredients for whatever she is making and you will make sure to have them in the house. Perhaps make this a regular thing and she will pull her head in.

I’m sure that’s her number one priority.

You have my sympathies OP, I have 3 daughters: 11, 8 and 7...and Im dreading high school and puberty...so many people with girls have warned me about it.

My DD was similar from 9-10. It’s hormones.

She was much more pleasant from 11+ after going through puberty.

Much easier than 17 year old boys, I can assure you weeps and drinks more wine

I wouldn't want to do that housework you assigned her either. She probably had other plans for her time at that precise moment.

Well, OP was clear she needed a hand with the tidying in order to have time to do DD's nails. So it was a clear 'help me and I can help you' situation. Don't make it sound like OP is trying to raise DD to be her cleaner. DD may have had other plans but needed to realise it was time to pitch in and help.

Ignore those sarky comments.
Some kids don't want their parents teaching them anything. It's often harder to learn that way too.
Absolutely nothing wrong with cooking lessons

Just picking up on this here. She's being critical and picky about your cooking and you've told her it's 'unnecessary'. I'm with your husband here. 'Unnecessary' is being soft with her. You need to be telling her what she's doing is rude and out of order, and why is she being nasty to someone who is providing food for her?

From her point of view you're not saying it's untrue or shouldn't be said, you're saying it just wasn't necessary for her to say it. You're not telling her it's WRONG for her to say it. While you're pleased these cookery lessons have given her confidence it sounds like too much confidence perhaps. And she's turning into a cocky little madam.

You're doing her a disservice by using soft arsed phrases. Tell her she's out of order instead.

Your DD sounds like mine. I get the eye rolling, the huffs and the grumpiness and anger too. My Dd is not a brat as she hears the word no more than anything else!

OP, I think you are fine and your DD is just hormonal and pushing boundaries.

From what? The UV lamp? Cos that's really not going to happen

with the cooking , what if shes the next Einstein of cooking ? @Mimikyuu

@Caerulea really?

https://news.sky.com/story/amp/getting-a-manicure-wear-gloves-or-sunscreen-gp-warns-after-study-reveals-uv-lamp-risks-12795899

https://www.skincancer.org/blog/ask-the-expert-are-the-uv-lamps-in-the-dryers-at-the-nail-salon-safe-to-use/#:~:text=These%20lamps%20are%20typically%20used,skin%20aging%20and%20skin%20cancer.

?

Yes, really. From the study itself -

While this report demonstrates that radiation from UV-nail polish dryers is cytotoxic, genotoxic, and mutagenic, it does not provide direct evidence for an increased cancer risk in human beings.

When you read the study it was done directly on cells, not skin & that's quite important. It was also done over extreme time periods that aren't relevant to real world usage. That's not to say there might not be issues with many many years of use, time will tell. But that study isn't what the headlines said it was, but it did get headlines & that's all a lot of uni's want. In the news article you linked (which DIDN'T link to the study itself) the expert likened the real-world exposure to that of a sunny day, which isn't all that scary, is it.

@Caerulea argue around it all you want but I don’t believe UV lamps on kids are a good idea if the adults are still debating the safety.

the expert likened the real-world exposure to that of a sunny day, which isn't all that scary, is it. Yes it is, kids are meant to wear sun screen. Doing nails every week is akin to sitting in the sun for a day? Absolutely not cool

Yes, most people don’t bother to read the actual research (and I suppose that makes sense- if you don’t have your nails done then it won’t interest you).

As far as worry about uv exposure- people can slap some factor 50 on your hands to be on the safe side.

If I’m being really honest, I think you both sound a bit annoying.

in a round about way, she is likely immersing herself in cooking to impress you, and is making these comments to bond with you, and show that she can be an expert in something you’re an expert in too. To me, it all comes across as if she’s seeking your approval but going about it in the wrong way. She’s a child - her social skills aren’t perfect and it seems like she doesn’t know how best to channel her creativity or knowledge and it is coming across as being fussy or critical. It also comes across that she just wants to spend time with you and you’ve knocked her back for the toddlers. The solution likely is spending some one to one time with her uninterrupted and she’ll likely get it out of her system once she feels secure in your relationship