Am i raising a brat??

[Mimikyuu]

My 10 year old (nearly 11) daughter argues with me all the time. I’m starting to think I’ve gone wrong somewhere or is this just normal for this age?

Example: tonight, she wants me to do her nails for her (I have gel paints and a uv lamp) for a party she’s going to tomorrow. I said yes that’s fine but in order to have time to do this I need to you to help me by tidying the living room while I’m sorting out the toddlers and putting them to bed. Que massive argument because she doesn’t want to do this so I’ve said no nails.

Since learning to cook (she goes to private lessons) she’s become very overly critical of anything I cook (I worked as a chef for a number of years so my cooking isn’t bad at all!). She makes comments about my food while we are eating and I tell her I think he’s being rude and just eat it or leave it.

My husband thinks I’m too soft, but I don’t think I am, I think Im being fair. We both had very strict upbringings, and here he hasn’t been effected by this I have and don’t want to repeat this sort of parenting with my kids.

Im just at a loss because she always such a lovely, pleasant girl and she mostly still is but she has become lazy and demanding recently and it’s making my life difficult. I don’t ask her for much, but I do tell her that as a person who lives in the house, she is also responsible for maintaining it, such as her bedroom and any little jobs I ask her to do.

Does this sound like normal 10 year old girl behavior or do I need to crack down a bit harder? Im on my own most evenings so it’s difficult as the toddlers are a fucking nightmare!

Only, and I mean only on mumsnet can this be described as normal for a 9 year old:

'My son had private cooking lessons for quite a while, and has regular shellac at a salon…'

At 10yo I was at my worst. Constantly fighting, having tantrums, and generally being a total arse. Luckily I snapped out of it before I was much older and was, in my own eyes, a pretty easy going teenager. Kept out of trouble and was generally pretty well behaved.

Yes, poorly grandma.

Is she a child from a previous relationship while you and your husband also have young toddlers?

Behaviour is communication, why should she be easier because you have toddlers?

Yes I do, but it wouldnt need to entail private lessons, fancy stuff.

Being able to know how to prepare 5 or 6 basic meals, know how meat is cooked safely, storing food, different ingredients. Basically things that are picked up by helping in the kitchen and giving a bit of responsibility. Making her responsible for one meal a week sort of thing, which OP is probably doing anyway

Out of curiosity if she follows through and does what you ask will you do her nails then? Because my 12 year old definitely wouldn't understand the part where she did what was asked (even if she ignored the when it was asked part) and would then expect me to keep my end of the agreement.

She would also be furious if she thought she was responsible for cleaning up the siblings mess, because it would feel "unfair" that she was cleaning up mess she hadn't made but would be happy to clean up if I phrased it the right way.

So for example I can ask her to please put the shoes away because she is the only one in because the other two are out while I sort the washing, and she might do it but she might equally lose her shit because they are almost always her brothers shoes not in the right place so in her mind "not her mess". But she is much more likely to do it if I say can you please put all the shoes on the stairs because I am struggling today and it would be really helpful. She likes being helpful (most of the time) but it also then doesn't feel "unfair" to her.

Football is a life skill but cooking isn't?

Ive already explained about my grandma

Are you aware of the risks of shellac?
I definitely would not be allowing a child to wear this polish and you may want to reconsider using it yourself OP.

Gel and acrylic nails allergy warning www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-45129280

Sounds awesome!

I think maybe the fact you have toddlers might be a key factor too. Does she feel neglected or somehow put out?

I'd have loved cooking lessons at that age, our youth club did an occasional baking lesson where we'd make cakes or biscuits and I LOVED it! I would have been 10. Proper cooking would have been amazing

Re behaviour I agree this is probably hormone fuelled.

If she wants to talk about the food you have cooked maybe have a discussion about how to do this without being rude.

If she is deliberately being rude I'd tell her she doesn't have to eat it and is welcome to cook dinner herself one night with help if she would like it.

I don't actually think she sounds like a brat and would probably put it down to hormones like a pp mentioned. Age gap between siblings probably won't help either.

I think the cooking lessons sound great and I'd be getting her more involved at home. Things that she's critical about is give her the opportunity to try and make herself.

All very normal for the age, having a grown up one who aired her opinions freely from age 10 and Christmas visits have just reminded me of the delights of the preteen age group. Well done for holding the line on the nails. Perhaps, when another adult can watch the toddlers, the two of you could cook together and she can show you what she has learnt and you can show her some of your skills? It may be that she wants some one-on - one time with you but is going about asking for it in a demanding way.

Has she started menstruating yet? If not, expect her to within the next few months.

My dd was similar just prior, so out of character. I could not or say do a thing right.

Thankfully she did go back to her usual (less miserable) self.

No, she doesn't sound like a brat. Ignore posters saying she's a brat because you giver her a special treat of nails, or because she has an interest (cookery). Some people here just like to put the boot in.

She does sound like she's boundary pushing, which although annoying is a normal part of growing up and away from our parents.

You would be raising a brat if you told her that she could only have the nails if she helped you, she refused and you let her have nails anyway. Just keep being consistent with the consequences like you are already.

My first thought.

Also she’s boundary pushing. However, your responses have been fair. Ie. No nails if she doesn’t help you. She’d be a brat if you gave in to her every demand and tantrum.

If you want to live in a world where you genuinely believe SS wouldn’t care about a child having food removed from them for having an opinion rightly or wrongly then I’m afraid you’re living in cuckoo land. Many 11 year olds are hormonal and say things a lot without regard. It won’t be the last time she makes comments, I can guarantee it. There are many ways of enforcing positive behaviour other than authoritative parenting. It doesn’t mean anyone has the right to deprive them of basic necessities that is disgusting and controlling. Not to mention can form disordered eating. Wouldn’t give a two hoots - utterly ridiculous nonsense.

I'm surprised by all the people saying this is fine and normal. My 11 year old doesn't speak to me this way. He might be in a bad mood after something happens at school or whatever but he's not regularly rude or critical to me. I wouldn't tolerate it, to be honest, especially as she seems to have quite a privileged lifestyle.

You have all the answers and are rejecting every comment / suggestion, so why are are you asking, exactly?

It's age appropriate she got hormones kicking in. How you handle it will determine if she becomes full brat. I think what you did with the nails was correct.

And I think if she keeps insulting your food then yes take it away. If she doesn't like it take note don't intentionally serve stuff she hates but yes take it away when she's so rude about it. Allow fruit and toast/cereal instead don't starve her but don't panic about SS from comments on here fruit and toast is fed

@Mimikyuu Former professional chef and restaurant owner (retired this year), mother to 3 . I love the fact that you got her lessons!! It is not the same having your mum teach you no matter how much you, her mother, knows about food and technique. However. My daughter started working in a restaurant at 15, and suddenly became a KNOW IT ALL. I was really hurt as I have worked so hard (as has her dad) to provide her with a good life, and she has the audacity to start complaining about the meals I make. My husband did the thing I did not have the balls to do. After several meals where she cut me down, my husband got up from the table, took her plate and dumped it in the dogs bowls. Told her to make her own if she was so fantastic at it. Took two times for him to get the point home. Dogs had chicken kiev and beef wellington that week. She is no longer a brat. She is now a 35 year old that her 13 year old and 12 year old complain about the food LMAO. I live in the carribean now, and am heading up to see her for a week late January and they are all making the menu for me to cook for the week LOLOLOL.. Morale of the story..all teenagers can be brats.. they DO grow out of it and most turn in to amazing adults and parents with their own "brats" and that... is our REVENGE

She will grow out if it and come out the other side. It is several years for girls so hang on to your hat..
Very bumpy and lots of drama.

Keep your boundaries but pick your battles, Be fairly strict. You know best. We wouldn’t have dared to behave like that with our mums in the 70s and 80s, we would have got a thump. Life and society still has rules and you cannot go around doing as you please at home. My home, my rules.

It’s normal for her to push boundaries but you should be teaching her some empathy too. So when she criticises the meal talk to her about how that makes you feel and why it upsets you, don’t just punish her without explaining why. Same with the tidying/nails. At this age she needs to be understanding the impact her behaviour has on others.