Am i raising a brat??

[Mimikyuu]

My 10 year old (nearly 11) daughter argues with me all the time. I’m starting to think I’ve gone wrong somewhere or is this just normal for this age?

Example: tonight, she wants me to do her nails for her (I have gel paints and a uv lamp) for a party she’s going to tomorrow. I said yes that’s fine but in order to have time to do this I need to you to help me by tidying the living room while I’m sorting out the toddlers and putting them to bed. Que massive argument because she doesn’t want to do this so I’ve said no nails.

Since learning to cook (she goes to private lessons) she’s become very overly critical of anything I cook (I worked as a chef for a number of years so my cooking isn’t bad at all!). She makes comments about my food while we are eating and I tell her I think he’s being rude and just eat it or leave it.

My husband thinks I’m too soft, but I don’t think I am, I think Im being fair. We both had very strict upbringings, and here he hasn’t been effected by this I have and don’t want to repeat this sort of parenting with my kids.

Im just at a loss because she always such a lovely, pleasant girl and she mostly still is but she has become lazy and demanding recently and it’s making my life difficult. I don’t ask her for much, but I do tell her that as a person who lives in the house, she is also responsible for maintaining it, such as her bedroom and any little jobs I ask her to do.

Does this sound like normal 10 year old girl behavior or do I need to crack down a bit harder? Im on my own most evenings so it’s difficult as the toddlers are a fucking nightmare!

I wasn't sure which answer was NBU and which was BU...but she's 10. You are the parent. You need to find a way to communicate which doesn't lead to conflict.

@Igotagoodcard I'm surprised a salon is willing to apply gel polish at that age, it can be really damaging to nails!

Gel nails are an absolute no at that age for health & allergy reasons - unless you're a professional and have been through the relevant training & even then no self respecting professional would do a kids nails in the same way a good tattooist wouldn't touch a drunk or do neck/face/hands on a virgin body.

The chemicals involved are no joke at all and are sensitisers. Incorrectly cured gel varnish can cause an irreversible sensitivity.

This is something that's becoming more and more of an issue with gels being available to the general public with no warning on how bloody dangerous they can be if incorrectly used - no matter how careful you think you're being.

By all means do your own nails but you really really should not be putting that on your daughter.

I was helluva careful, have a really good hand & did my own nails for years & guess what? I developed the sensitivity & can no longer use it at all which is gutting! Potentially I'm now sensitive to some fairly important medical stuff as a result.

Don't do your daughters nails!

Are nail salons doing nails for under 18s, I have never seen this.

Jesus OP, just ignore some of these comments. Who cares if some miserable random thinks your daughter shouldn't have gel nails or cookery classes!
Anyway, I sympathise. I have 3 daughters. Enough said!

Yes this is standard behaviour for this age. Keep doing what you’re doing - holding the boundary of acceptable/unacceptable behaviour. There’s a lovely piece of prose online that this has reminded me of.

I’ll find it for you.

I remember as a 17 year old making lots of comments on my dad's driving while I was learning. Did it make me a brat for doing this when he gave me lifts? I wouldn't say so but it probably was very very annoying and he would have been ok to boundaries in place about this

@Mimikyuu sounds like the right approach to me except the 'eat it or leave it' comment which sounds like it's coming from a place of (understandable) frustration. Perhaps you could say that you value her opinion and are happy to talk about what she likes about things and why but the constant criticism is upsetting. How would she feel about her food in class constantly being criticised?

Here it is:

http://gretchenschmelzer.com/parents-corner/2015/6/23/the-letter-your-teenager-cant-write-you?format=amp

I know it's not what you are asking but as an aside, I think gel nails with UV is too advanced for 10 years old.

Anyway, you were reasonable to invite her to help you create time to do something she wanted, and it was her choice not to, so that's a fair boundary to set. Although not too much of it. Even if you are very pushed for time, it could breed resentment that in order for you to do something just for her, she must first help you with the siblings. It'd be better if you either had the time freely or you didn't and not necessarily attach it to bargaining.

The cooking comments.... I'd use this as an opportunity to teach her the difference between criticism and constructive criticism (two very different things) and also, timing of when to offer opinion and when best to save it for another time. I don't think saying "eat it or leave it" teaches her anything useful (social skills wise) when it really could. Perhaps she feels empowered by her knowledge of cooking, and feels she is sharing her opinions in a "tasting judge" kind of way, perhaps she's seen the cooking and baking programmes on TV where the judges are quite blunt in their opinions and she's emulating that. Especially as you have professional experience in that area, she might think she can share her opinion with you quite plainly. You perhaps need her to see there's a difference between cooking for something to be discussed, and cooking just to get dinner on the table.

She doesn't sound like a brat. Just pushing boundaries

Thankyou for the warnings about the nails, I had no idea so will look into that! She’s never had them done before, I just thought it would be a nice treat for her party and a chance for us to spend some time together but she’s not having them done now anyway ha.

Im not apologizing for the cooking lessons, they’re great and her confidence has come in leaps and bounds. I don’t have very much spare time and I am not a patient teacher so would have been a terrible idea me teaching her! I do let he help me with meals sometimes though and she is happy to make herself something on occasion if I can supervise as our jobs are gas and a little tricky.

It's nothing to do with having painted nails, go for it! My youngest son loves his nails being done & likes make-up. It's that gels/UV cured paints are NOT suitable for safety reasons ffs.

Yes

@Chonk @Terrribletwos yep. It’s normal round here- my son has had his done at 3 different places. Ranging from high street to ‘luxury’ salons. His nails aren’t damaged at all.

My nieces and younger cousins (10-16) all had acrylics on when I saw them today. They are apparently allowed them at their (very expensive all girls) school.

I’ve been having acrylics for 15 years, my nails are fine too.

Honestly a brat. I'd never use that language about my child.

Anyway, I wonder, when you ask her to tidy how u approach it. Do you set expectations and responsibility? Or is it transactional, I'll do this if you do that.

I wasn't a brat, for example I washed pots etc and we werent rich but if my mum suddenly said I'll only do x if you do y thing I didn't expect it probably would have started an argument.

Criticising cooking is rude. I wouldn't say she's a brat but that behaviour is not on. I'd say OK three options, if you can do better please do, or be polite about others cooking or eat crackers ill eat ur portion as leftover tomorrow.

My nails used to be stunning with gels, they grew so well cos I wasn't constantly snapping them. No damage either cos I took ages and ages to remove the gel as carefully as humanly possible (which salons don't really have the time to do). Ppl misunderstand what the problem can be & that's the allergy - no salon should be doing young teens nails with UV curing & I don't doubt regs on the way to stop it, much like sunbeds

I can ride, have horses etc but no way would my 6 year old let me teach her. She had private riding lessons. She was much better behaved for someone else.

Your daughter is starting to push boundaries. I think they all do, some earlier than others.

A firm, but fair approach is probably what you’re doing and best to stick to.

Good luck OP.

One of my daughters was an absolute nightmare at 10. By 12 she was lovely. I wouldn’t lose sleep over it. She will improve!

Yes they do. Every school holidays mine is packed with tweens getting acrylics and gel polish.

@Mimikyuu just before she turned 10 my previously loving, kind, respectful, helpful daughter turned absolutely feral - rude, entitled and stroppy. She stayed that way for about 6 weeks. She had all her television privileges revoked, was on daily extra chore duty and had been forbidden from having any friends round, and we were wondering what the hell was going on - and then she got her period. The bad behaviour hadn't happened with my older daughter who was even younger when she had her first period, so we were taken by surprise.

Since then, she has mostly reverted to being lovely - except for once a month when she again becomes an ogre for about 4 days. Just keep disciplining her for poor behaviour in a kind loving way and she will be ok.

And if you haven't already done so, maybe have the period chat with her in anticipation. Also, if she is very hormonal then period pain might be an issue, so I'd suggesting having a pre-emptive chat with her GP about pain relief and getting some in just in case.

As others have said, she's flexing her muscles for those wonderful teenage years.

Keep plugging away and impose consequences. If she keeps being rude about your cooking let her do it. Or, as my old mum says, if you think you're so bloody clever ...

And keep a supply of tea and gin handy x

I think the lessons are fine. There are worse things a child could be doing with their time. The fact you are posting OP suggests you are aware of reinforcing boundaries generally. They do get lippy. They are learning how to assert themselves and how far is too far ( just read some posts on MN and you realise even some adults haven’t settled on the appropriate ways to stand their ground yet!) The food comments are just her trying to find her own identity around it ( yet the sweet thing - and don’t tell her! - is that she has clearly taken her lead from you in terms of her interests.) Pull her up when she’s rude but then give her a chance to tell you more constructively thoughts are. She does sound quite young to be wanting to assert herself in this way so you are going to need to develop strategies for managing it. The attitude is strong in this one!

Disrespect is the one thing I have no tolerance for whatsoever with my kids. Any rudeness or talling back with an attitude would be shut down i.e. conversation is over and any requests are an immediate no.

My girls are now 23 & 20, my son is 17 and now they complain about rude and disrespectful kids they babysit or meet. They all are really enjoyable to be around.
I just can't be taking it and won't let my kids talk to me in ways I wouldn't put up with from anyone else.

She's hitting puberty and is confused. Most ten year olds are a bit bolshy - I remember myself with horror and my DD was really difficult between 10 and 17 (and the rest), and DS was a nightmare. And they argue. This all seems normal. Tell her if she wants to criticise your cooking she can do it instead. Reaction to quite reasonable request to help clear up suggests she won't rise to that occasion. Some have said gel nails are too old for a ten-year-old. Depends on your social circle. I would not have allowed this, but others might. She's a typical moody ten-year-old and will argue about anything - sadly, they do. Not a brat. Bit spoiled maybe.