Am i raising a brat??

[Mimikyuu]

My 10 year old (nearly 11) daughter argues with me all the time. I’m starting to think I’ve gone wrong somewhere or is this just normal for this age?

Example: tonight, she wants me to do her nails for her (I have gel paints and a uv lamp) for a party she’s going to tomorrow. I said yes that’s fine but in order to have time to do this I need to you to help me by tidying the living room while I’m sorting out the toddlers and putting them to bed. Que massive argument because she doesn’t want to do this so I’ve said no nails.

Since learning to cook (she goes to private lessons) she’s become very overly critical of anything I cook (I worked as a chef for a number of years so my cooking isn’t bad at all!). She makes comments about my food while we are eating and I tell her I think he’s being rude and just eat it or leave it.

My husband thinks I’m too soft, but I don’t think I am, I think Im being fair. We both had very strict upbringings, and here he hasn’t been effected by this I have and don’t want to repeat this sort of parenting with my kids.

Im just at a loss because she always such a lovely, pleasant girl and she mostly still is but she has become lazy and demanding recently and it’s making my life difficult. I don’t ask her for much, but I do tell her that as a person who lives in the house, she is also responsible for maintaining it, such as her bedroom and any little jobs I ask her to do.

Does this sound like normal 10 year old girl behavior or do I need to crack down a bit harder? Im on my own most evenings so it’s difficult as the toddlers are a fucking nightmare!

She’s too much like me 🥲

Totally normal! Love the idea of private cookery lessons. Children are much more likely to listen to and take directed instruction from an adult other than a parent for specialist things even when it is a parents speciality!

I wonder if she is being treated as too adult

She is only 10, not even a pre teen

Im not sure private cooking lessons is the same as going to football down at the local club or swimming lessons as these are life skills. Its like she is being treated as too grown up.

And the nails thing, too much at her age

How is learning to play football a life skill?!

Its not like you might trip over walking on the football towpath and have to play to the side is it?!

@Igotagoodcard Your son is allowed shellac regularly? How old is he?

Remove her meal and make her go hungry are you absolutely mental? She’s 11 ffs. If she goes around telling her teachers mum removes my meal when I’m hungry for talking about her food then the OP will have SS on her doorstep quicker than she can blink! Rightly so too. OP needs to be extremely firm that whilst she isn’t old enough to move out and cook her own meals that snarky comments won’t be accepted. Other consequences for nasty, critical comments can apply but to deprive her of food is abhorrent. Honestly what the hell is wrong with some people on here!

No you are following through with what seem like reasonable rules/agreements ie help me with the living room and I'll help you with nails. A brat would a kid who didn't have to help, or was asked to help and said no/stropped off and still got the reward.

On the food comments I'd have a hard line on that. Any negative comments and she gets a warning that we don't speak that way in this house, and if she doesn't want it, it will get taken away. A second comment and it gets taken away.

I think sticking to boundaries and being firm but fair is the best way. She needs to know where she stands in order to feel secure.

Yeah. He goes through stages of having it every few weeks, then doesn’t bother for a few months. He is 9. It’s not actually shellac, it’s a different brand but the same sort of stuff.

What are the consequences of being so rude about your cooking?

She's a kid. They can go through bratty or selfish phases. Carry on being calm and consistent and she'll come out the other side just fine.

OP says she was a chef so she has the skills.

Most of us learn from our parent, the rest comes from practice.

I didnt say football was a life skill. I said swimming lessons, as these are life skills.

She's becoming a tween. Pushing boundaries. Perfectly reasonable to ask for quick tidy. When she started arguing I would have told her that if the room is tidy when you come down you will do her nails, if not then no, it's up to her

I agree with a previous poster - Hormones !

I think she is just pushing boundaries and are right to keep them in place as you are doing.

It's a nice thing to send her for cooking lessons, a life skill she can learn with kids her own age, sounds great, just like any other lesson to me.

Ah. Grammar.

OP, you don’t have to justify the cooking lessons. It’s not like you got her a spray tan and sent her to a beauty pageant 🙄 Cooking is a useful skill, so from that point of view it’s money well spent compared to endless ballet and gymnastics lessons (which also have their use but less of an impact on everyday life).

She is just pushing boundaries with her behaviour. It doesn’t mean she’s a brat. Keep enforcing rules and consequences and she’ll grow out of it.

Those who are saying swimming etc is a.life skill, don't you consider cooking a life skill? I do.

The group cooking lessons for kids sound lovely. Wish I'd sent mine to something like that!

You're doing great OP. Keep doing what you're doing. Reasonable boundaries and consequences for stepping over them. Freedom within those boundaries.

Don't fret. She's not a brat. It's all normal. Stick to your guns though and don't give in! You'll get through the teenage years fine if you do this.

'so why did mum take away your dinner?'
'I was rude about her cooking'
yep...like SS would even give two hoots unless there were a whole raft of other issues. A stroppy know it all 11 year old would not be a problem for them.

Yes, her behavior is bad and she is being a bit of a madam. But it sounds like you have her sussed. You have put your foot down RE nails (if she continues acting up, no party hehehe).
Its great that she is into cooking. But she needs to learn how to critique properly. ‘Mum why not add a bit of pepper’ is fine, ugh that’s gross is not.

Get her to cook your dinners for you.
Problem solved.

Yes to boundary pushing, stay firm OP.
I dont abide backchat or rudeness from my DDs and they will (eventually after trying to wriggle out of it) do as I ask. I will happily refuse to do something that benefits them if they don't behave and they know that from being tiny so don't push it too hard. DH and I don't undermine each other so we have strong parenting boundaries.

OP,

I think your DD sounds typical. It is good that you held the boundary over the gel manicure when she refused to help you.

The cookery lessons sound wonderful and useful. I cannot imagine why some PPs are criticising them.

DD is at an age where competing with her mum is part of her development. This does not excuse her rudeness. Perhaps she would like to see if she can cook a better meal for the family? Win-win.

It's good for her to learn how to cook and like you say she enjoys the lessons. But I would definitely not be putting up with criticism of your cooking. Surely her cooking lessons are about the enjoyment of food...so I would be looking into that! If she doesn't like your food she doesn't have to eat it.

And, I don't think you said it but I absolutely hate the term "brat" when talking about a child! It's so pejorative and regressive!