Am i raising a brat??

[Mimikyuu]

My 10 year old (nearly 11) daughter argues with me all the time. I’m starting to think I’ve gone wrong somewhere or is this just normal for this age?

Example: tonight, she wants me to do her nails for her (I have gel paints and a uv lamp) for a party she’s going to tomorrow. I said yes that’s fine but in order to have time to do this I need to you to help me by tidying the living room while I’m sorting out the toddlers and putting them to bed. Que massive argument because she doesn’t want to do this so I’ve said no nails.

Since learning to cook (she goes to private lessons) she’s become very overly critical of anything I cook (I worked as a chef for a number of years so my cooking isn’t bad at all!). She makes comments about my food while we are eating and I tell her I think he’s being rude and just eat it or leave it.

My husband thinks I’m too soft, but I don’t think I am, I think Im being fair. We both had very strict upbringings, and here he hasn’t been effected by this I have and don’t want to repeat this sort of parenting with my kids.

Im just at a loss because she always such a lovely, pleasant girl and she mostly still is but she has become lazy and demanding recently and it’s making my life difficult. I don’t ask her for much, but I do tell her that as a person who lives in the house, she is also responsible for maintaining it, such as her bedroom and any little jobs I ask her to do.

Does this sound like normal 10 year old girl behavior or do I need to crack down a bit harder? Im on my own most evenings so it’s difficult as the toddlers are a fucking nightmare!

Same here but my dd is 12.
So bloody sassy and self confident it drives me mad.

Children are learning all the time and very often don't know how far they can go - but they can learn one very good expression - 'If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all!!
I don't think you should take away her meals but give her the choice of eating it or leaving it. If she is still eating it then it's not that bad is it? If she leaves it - then that is it until the next meal is due. Cooking as a skill is an invaluable one for everyone but I don't know that I would pay for it - you get better with practice the more often you cook.
As for the nails - she is at the age that (I think) she should still be playing around and painting them herself along with make up like little girls do!! Forget the machine! Not to mention the damage you can do to nails - they end up brittle, peeling, cracking and can age your hands prematurely and increase the risk of skin cancer.
I can't help but think that parents make their kids grow up too quick nowadays - can't believe that two lads I know were given mobile phones for Christmas - they are aged six and seven!!
Your DD isn't a brat yet - but she does need educating in social skills - carry on behaving as she does with friends and she could find herself being very lonely.

No one was their best self at 10! Sounds really normal - With your guidance she will be absolutely fine! Really good you set boundaries and didn’t do her nails! You sound like a wonderful mother - parenting is hard sometimes, just keep doing what you are doing!

Nope. She doesn't sound like a brat. She sounds like an honest person. I wouldn't want to do that housework you assigned her either. She probably had other plans for her time at that precise moment. As for your food isn't she just trying out her new appreciation for good food and the ability to talk about it on you?

you're creating a rod for your own back, sweetie

It sounds to me as though she is going to be an adult who knows her own mind, and maybe your job at the moment is to help her calibrate her judgement?

It might be worth reading this book. I found it really very helpful.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-Life-bestselling-twenty-first-century/dp/1788163826/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EZPXI9AIPF5L&keywords=Get+Out+of+My+Life...%3A+But+First+Take+Me+and+Alex+Into+Town&qid=1703798826&sprefix=get+out+of+my+life...+but+first+take+me+and+alex+into+town%2Caps%2C57&sr=8-1

fwiw, my main thought on reading this is that I would also like my nails down and private cooking lessons. You sound like a great Mum.

This. Tedious for you but just keep calmly reinforcing your boundaries and it'll come good.

I'd be tempted to get her to make dinner the next night she made poor comments.

"Thanks for the review, I'm sure the dinner you cook tomorrow will be perfect. It's chicken fajitas, everything is in the group and cupboards."

Or similar.

Basically the consequence for being rude about your cooking, is she does the cooking now.

She sounds like a normal 10 year old to me.
My 10 year old is polite and kind with everyone but does push boundaries at home because that’s the safe place to push them.

Do you get her to look at things from your perspective?
For example if my daughter picked at something I did, cooking for example I would say to her ‘how would you feel if you spent ages cooking something and working really hard on it and then I told you what a bad job you had done?’
Not in a shouty way just in a conversation way.
I do that with my 10 year old and I do hear her saying it to her friends now if they say something to upset someone else. it just helps with learning empathy I think.

I think she’s probably really proud of her grown up cooking skills and wants to show you but is doing it in a typical 10 year old girl way.

With the tidying I bloody hate tidying now, I hated tidying as a child I think it’s pretty normal to say she doesn’t want to clean.
Again something I do with my daughter is break it down in to chunks with the obvious reward.

Asking her to tidy the lounge for example probably feels like a huge job. I get more success if I ask my daughter to do the cushions on the chair, then when she has finished that I will say pick up all the x and usually that’s enough.

I think at that age smaller very directed jobs seem less overwhelming.

I can’t believe all the brat comments. If she is a brat every 10 year old I know is too.

Completely agree with this. My DD was a nightmare at 10. Full of opinions but not quite grasped when it's appropriate to share them. Keep going with the boundaries and reminding her to be mindful of people's feelings and you'll come through the others side. My DD is 13 now, and though not perfect, is really a kind girl and delightful company.

What needed tidying in the living room. If it’s tidying up after the toddlers then I could maybe see why she didn’t think it was fair

Parties are a massive thing when you're just 10, I don't think she sounds like a brat. Although I think she's too young for gel nails, what's wrong with a bit of ordinary nail polish?

You're doing your best, and we all hate tidying don't we? Probably a good idea to have her do a few chores in return for nails etc. in future. I've 3 older kids and wasn't strict enough about this part.

Cookery lessons are great and in return for her criticism ask her to show you instead. She's only 10.

I think the cooking lessons sound ace. She doesn’t sound like a brat, she’s becoming a teen and pushing boundaries (normal). I think you’re handling it well op.

Inclined to agree. OP you are going through 2 difficult stages with your toddlers and your pre-teen. Your patience is probably at an all time low. As nitpicky and hurtful as comments about your cooking might be, don't make it an ego issue. Agree with teaching her about kindness, that she should be being constructive rather than criticising, also why not invite her to cook sometimes and offer her well-intended opinions about things that can be done to improve from your experience. She might understand how it's easy to dish out criticism but not easy to receive. I think your actions/consequence approach is good. What does DH say to her? Is she easier going on him? His cooking? His rules? She might be trying to assert herself as a young woman in a house where you are head and its causing friction with you.

Yes, you are raising a brat. And a spoilt, entitled brat. The fact she feels free to criticise your cooking this rudely is an indicator of what is to come.

No, sounds like normal behaviour- perhaps starting a little early, but very typical 11 or 12 year old behaviour. Sounds like you're handling it well.

My DD is 11, most of her friends are 10.

She doesn't sound bad honestly. She's going through hormonal changes and she's trying to grow up and start separating herself from you/be more independent, but she's not doing it well.

You can hold boundaries without being unkind about it. Manners matter, so if my kids insult the food I've made them I take it back and say that since they clearly don't want it they can make themselves toast, and remind them manners matter even within the family. I'd hand it back if they apologised! If they persisted in it I'd ask them how they'd feel if you insulted something they'd done for you. And insist on an answer.

The nails thing sounds fine tbh. You explained why you needed her to help you do you could do something for her, she refused, so the natural consequence is that it didn't get done. She'll know next time.

I think you're doing fine. Just hold your boundaries calmly and politely (as much as you can!)

eww did you really just call me sweetie??

So hard to imagine from your overly direct tone that you were not twice as bad.

How much time does she get alone with you without the toddlers? It sounds like she is requesting 1 on 1 time and being told she needs to earn your attention through chores which probably isn't doing a lot for her self esteem.

She gets plenty of time alone with me. I asked her to tidy up because it was also her mess.

I was just here for the que/queue/cue/q entertainment, Mumsnet, you have disappointed...

I'll tell you what's to come, shall I? One day this girl is going to go out into the world thinking that it is hers for the conquering, only to be shown that it isn't like that for women: she will be talked over in meetings, her good ideas will be overlooked and then she'll watch as a man says the exact same thing and wins awards for his innovative ideas; she may be the victim of sexual harrassment of some kind and be forced to turn a blind eye to it. I could go on. Cultivating stroppiness and confidence in young girls is crucial. I said confidence not spoiled. If your daughter knows her mind at her age you are doing a very good job, Op. I just hope the world has changed by the time she properly ventures into it.

Sorry. It’s because we were here to help OP when she reached out, doing her best to be a good mum. And yeah, she meant cue. Big deal. Clever old you.

I do not think she’s a brat,she’s a youngster pushing boundaries, testing you
As a trained chef why are you paying someone else to teach her a skill you have? If you’d been a sportsperson or worked in sport I’d expect you to coach your own kid, yes.
Its not unreasonable that she undertakes chores and in return as a favour you do her nails