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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i raising a brat??

185 replies

Mimikyuu · 28/12/2023 18:37

My 10 year old (nearly 11) daughter argues with me all the time. I’m starting to think I’ve gone wrong somewhere or is this just normal for this age?

Example: tonight, she wants me to do her nails for her (I have gel paints and a uv lamp) for a party she’s going to tomorrow. I said yes that’s fine but in order to have time to do this I need to you to help me by tidying the living room while I’m sorting out the toddlers and putting them to bed. Que massive argument because she doesn’t want to do this so I’ve said no nails.

Since learning to cook (she goes to private lessons) she’s become very overly critical of anything I cook (I worked as a chef for a number of years so my cooking isn’t bad at all!). She makes comments about my food while we are eating and I tell her I think he’s being rude and just eat it or leave it.

My husband thinks I’m too soft, but I don’t think I am, I think Im being fair. We both had very strict upbringings, and here he hasn’t been effected by this I have and don’t want to repeat this sort of parenting with my kids.

Im just at a loss because she always such a lovely, pleasant girl and she mostly still is but she has become lazy and demanding recently and it’s making my life difficult. I don’t ask her for much, but I do tell her that as a person who lives in the house, she is also responsible for maintaining it, such as her bedroom and any little jobs I ask her to do.

Does this sound like normal 10 year old girl behavior or do I need to crack down a bit harder? Im on my own most evenings so it’s difficult as the toddlers are a fucking nightmare!

OP posts:
ExTheCheater · 28/12/2023 20:27

I think you are being unreasonable to make her feel like in order to get quality time with you she has to do chores. That sounds off to me.

Meowandthen · 28/12/2023 20:29

SALWARP2023 · 28/12/2023 19:05

Pick your battles. In 10 years time she will be your best friend. My daughter wouldn't do chores and still doesn't even in her own house!

Failing to do anything around the home, as either a child or an adult, is nothing to be proud of.

Meowandthen · 28/12/2023 20:30

ExTheCheater · 28/12/2023 20:27

I think you are being unreasonable to make her feel like in order to get quality time with you she has to do chores. That sounds off to me.

This isn’t about time. It’s a special treat. Fancy nails. Read the post properly.

Marshmallowpop · 28/12/2023 20:32

Typical behaviour just keep reinforcing those boundaries.

Bellie710 · 28/12/2023 20:34

I can honestly say that after bringing up 3 girls the youngest who is currently 12, none of them have behaved like this. I do have friends with children that sound like that but the parents let them walk all over them so I would say you are potentially going to have a monster on your hands if you don't stop this now and start disciplining her.

Calliopespa · 28/12/2023 20:36

ACynicalDad · 28/12/2023 18:55

Swimming is a life skill, most of the rest str done in teams. If you’re an ex chef it does seem pretentious.

Show quote history

I genuinely can’t understand why cooking lessons are pretentious and definitely don’t understand how OP being an ex chef makes it worse. Interests do run in families. Most of my DCs’ music teachers don’t teach their own dcs but farm it out because the dynamic of teaching your own is a bit off. Cooking can lead to a good solid career. Why on earth is it pretentious? Are you thinking of Swiss finishing schools etc? The shellac I’m a bit more 50/50 about. I don’t really like seeing young girls with pierced ears, nails done etc. But then im not a huge fan of an overly made - up appearance anyway: my mum is always trying to lunge at me with a touch more mascara etc so that may be my judgment that’s off. But for me I feel that’s a mid teen privilege at the earliest.

Shade17 · 28/12/2023 20:37

Que

Manuel?

SaucepanRattle · 28/12/2023 20:39

No she doesn't sound like a brat at all! My 10 yo DD pushes boundaries similarly and I think she's a lovely girl, albeit with selfish and lazy tendancies because their world does revolve around them at that age. Keep setting boundaries and sticking to them and she'll turn out fine. As you say, leave it or eat it. I would say the same. Closing down the rude comments.

Mikimoto · 28/12/2023 20:44

I think a more pressing problem is that, at age 10, she is of the mentality that she needs fake/coloured nails to look "pretty" for a party.

Calliopespa · 28/12/2023 20:46

Mikimoto · 28/12/2023 20:44

I think a more pressing problem is that, at age 10, she is of the mentality that she needs fake/coloured nails to look "pretty" for a party.

I also think it’s a bit young for that tbh.

IfTheresTeaTheresHope · 28/12/2023 20:46

It sounds like there’s too much negotiation. You can be firm and fair about things. If she wants her nails done and you want her to do something in exchange when she refuses don’t get into a debate about it but then these types of things are good for bonding so when you have time offer to do her nails for fun, just the two of you. If she criticises your food, then the next meal, cook together but don’t take over or when you’re cooking ask her opinion on the dish you’re preparing. Ultimately she is a child and doesn’t have the tact of an adult but that’s your job as her parents to teach. You’re at a crossroads and she could go either way depending upon you and her father. Don’t infantilise her too much but remember that she isn’t an adult either. You’re the parents and you set any boundaries and rules.

auntiesatthere · 28/12/2023 20:51

Sounds normal especially for this generation but doesn't make it right. She pushing boundaries personally I would nip it in the bud asap. Only thing worse with a lazy 10 year old is a lazy teenager who still won't do the simplest tasks and storms out of the house because you asked them to wash a dish and then your up until 1am wondering where they are while they don't give you a second thought.

She is 10 she's old enough to know what her comments are rude and it's it's not a lot to ask for her to tidy the room and you will sort her nails for her in return. Sounds like a damn good bargain to be honest

TTC89Njna · 28/12/2023 20:52

I was a twat at 10/11. The hormones start kicking in then. I turned around to being a nice kid again around the age of 17. She's pushing boundaries, you have to push back. Easier said than done, good luck!

FrenchGeek · 28/12/2023 20:53

Ignore the judgmental comments OP. I'm new on MN and am already stunned by the totally unnecessary nastiness on here (as well as many lovely helpful commenters). My DD is younger but going on lots of kids that age in my extended family, sounds like normal boundary pushing to me.

boobashka · 28/12/2023 20:55

Sparkly12 · 28/12/2023 18:55

God, what a lovely bunch you've got on here replying!

Don't listen OP, she does not sound like a brat at all! But it's normal to constantly worry about your parenting techniques etc when they are pushing us.

She's just testing the boundaries, as hard as it is, it's a very normal part of their development xx

This

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 28/12/2023 20:58

Yes, she is a brat! Show me a 10yr old who isn't!
She is perfectly normal!! !Frustrating the life out of you, of course. Give her clear instructions on what you expect of her. My mantra was always "actions have consequences" .Make a chores chart for her to clearly see and let her understand that yes you will treat her and go out your way for her but it's a two way street in the grand scheme o' things.
Urrrrggghh 10yr ols, 😑

justasking111 · 28/12/2023 20:58

@Mimikyuu all normal, you're doing well, stay calm and be consistent. Withdrawal of privileges I always found worked best.

Mirabai · 28/12/2023 21:00

I find the best cure for criticism of food is for the kids to cook one meal a week. It’s not the same as doing it in a lesson and it’s a good learning curve in home economics and coming up with new recipes.

Calliopespa · 28/12/2023 21:04

boobashka · 28/12/2023 20:55

This

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Yes it’s normal. She sounds spirited though so you’re probably going to get the hill walk not the valley walk! Just keep the faith! Sounds as though you are doing all the right things.

Calliopespa · 28/12/2023 21:05

FrenchGeek · 28/12/2023 20:53

Ignore the judgmental comments OP. I'm new on MN and am already stunned by the totally unnecessary nastiness on here (as well as many lovely helpful commenters). My DD is younger but going on lots of kids that age in my extended family, sounds like normal boundary pushing to me.

Also new and … whoa: what an eye opener in aggression!

Whiskerson · 28/12/2023 21:10

I can't imagine dealing with two toddlers of an evening without another adult around, plus also a ten year old stretching your patience. I honestly take my hat off to you, and you sound like a nice and thoughtful mum (the cooking lessons sound like a lovely thing for her) Flowers

She's getting into adolescence - hormones will be starting to have their effect on her mood, and all the rest that PPs have said. Plus she's still a child, figuring out the line between forgivably sassy versus plain rude, and wanting to show that she's not a child anymore (though she is). From what you've said, I don't think there's any big reason to worry. It sounds within the range of normal for a pre-teen. And maybe the sooner she gets it out of her system, the least damage.

Stay close to her, and I'm sure it will all come out in the wash!

MancLass76 · 28/12/2023 21:13

I have a 10 year old and you could have been writing about her. Add to that, she has an answer for everything, doesn’t listen to anything I say or ask her to do without it being an issue and she always has to have the last word. Some of the things she throws at me in arguments, I have no idea where they have come from. She’s also lazy but very particular about certain things. Talking to other mums her friends are very similar in lots of ways and we have put it down to them growing up far too quickly now. Her Christmas list had more skin/hair products and make up on it than I’ve used in a lifetime - she didn’t get them all. I just have everything crossed when she is actually a teenager she’s gotten it out of her system ha ha

maddiemookins16mum · 28/12/2023 21:14

You mention toddlers, are there a couple of tots who get more time with you? It’s hard being the oldest child and having to do chores (I totally agree everyone needs to muck in of course). I don’t think she sounds like a brat.

surreygirl1987 · 28/12/2023 21:16

You said you were a chef...so yes id say the same about swimming etc if you were a swimmer. Probably not football or other team stuff

Nah, I'm a swimmer and send my sons to swimming lessons. Just because you are good at something doesn't mean you are good at teaching it (especially to your own children!)

Ohforfox · 28/12/2023 21:17

I have a 10 year old DD who is thoughtful, kind & so loving... But also drives me mad with her moodiness & acting like I'm sending her to prison if I ask her to brush her teeth. I don't think it's anything you're doing wrong, I think they do feel life is so difficult and unfair at this age. It wears thin when you've asked them to help & it's done grudgingly but I try to remind myself they have child brains & teen hormones & it's not my parenting! I'm sure they'll all turn out fine!