To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

[hmln]

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

Maybe they do. But obviously not from SIL.

YABU. In no way is she personally criticising you or your children she is just commenting on things generally complain about when they have small children.It's possible she is just trying to make herself feel better about not having kids, it's also possible she is happy not to have kids. It is in no way comparable to you spouting about how awful and lonely it must be to not a partner or children, that is just bitchy.
Just roll your eyes and ignore her and be thankful you do have a (hopefully) nice husband and 2 kids you love.

As for *if my child runs to hug me (or DH) I'd say that's the biggest privilege in my life! *seriously op get a life.

Suspect the OP 's toddler is in full time nursery and op has some guilt about it. Parents who look after their own children are usually much more sensible

Well again I don't see it matters. I'm sure we all have relatives who weren't keen on us as babies or maybe not at all. It's not going to affect the children as long as their parents love them.

True. But her SIL comments are pissing her off.
she should not have to put up with that surely?

Well she's right 🤷🏼‍♀️ I often say these things myself! It's good she's realising that it's not all it's cracked up to be

I feel the same as your SIL
& I have a child🤣 not offensive at all
imo.

Plus, if my child was smearing toothpaste all over, i’d not be saying ‘please stop’, I would be banning YouTube FOR LIFE!!

SIL could meet the man of her dreams and have a child ( she once really wanted them)
Then the jealous comments would stop and everything would be hunky dory.
SIL would want to be besties with mum.

"Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste""

this is hands down the most ridiculous thing- of course you stop DD feeding for 15 seconds to to stop this happening in front of your eyes. (Appreciate I'm missing the point of the thread- but c'mon you didn't "have" too)

also, for what it's worth I doubt she means any harm. Although I wouldn't have said it I definitely thought these things before having children!

@hmln

Well I'd say putting my child to bed isn't wasting my evening and if my child runs to hug me (or DH) I'd say that's the biggest privilege in my life! Whether he's covered in yogurt or not.”

urgh op , that sounds so serious and earnest! Lighten up ! 😊

So many disagreents on this thread but every one of us wants to hear the justification for the toothpaste saga 🤣

Not necessarily, she might have a child and think op was a crazily earnest parent who overegged the pudding about the joys of yoghurts faced hugs

yabu sil is just sharing her opinion, you have to learn to ignore it. Yes it may be tactless but if you’re happy with your choices why do you care if she’s basically saying she is happy with hers too?
Also the toothpaste thing is bizzare, as is the yogurt thing - it sounds like you are making parenting look harder than necessary with some of these situations so obviously sils opinion could be influenced by that.

No love. I don’t think so.
No need for sarcasm. She just loves being a mother.

@Shootin

give over, you can acknowledge the crappy bits of parenting AND still love being a mother

I wouldn’t find this offensive towards my DC if someone did it around them tbh, I’d probably just make a joke of it along the lines of “its a good job mummy loves your yogurty hugs isn’t it!” And give DC a big squeeze, yogurt or no yogurt.

or even “ahh yes the evenings can be hard but it is equal parts lovely when you get the bedtime snuggles”

or “yes I love sleep and would love to have more but it’s only short term so I’ll get it back one day haha”

or “yes vomit isn’t great is it but it’s crazy the things you do when you really have to haha”

Basically just light hearted comments that aren’t even digs, they’re probably things I’d say to people naturally if these conversations occurred.

She likely has her own stuff going on, as others have said, she might be trying to convince herself that she doesn’t want them.

Who knows, but I really don’t think you need to give too much thought to what she is saying, it doesn’t sound like it’s being said with any malice from what I’ve read.

I love being a mother, I'm as over Ernest as anyone and was probably more annoyingly so than op with my first. And I struggled through infertility and loss to have them.

I'm not being sarcastic though, there's no reason to believe ops sil has anymore interest in being her pal with or without kids.

😳

I wouldn’t describe being covered by a yoghurt hug is crap.
what would SIL think of shitty nappies and snotty noses??
After all she clearly thinks that the yoghurt saga is disgusting- ‘ EUGH. The joys of being loved by a toddler hahaha.’
OP - Happy new year. Ignore the negative comments on here. And make sure you don’t forget to put lots of yogurts on your shopping list next time you go to Asda. 👍

I dunno, half eaten food is pretty gross, my 2 yr old will literally take it out of mouth and try to put it in mine. And if you're not used to everyday grossness of kids

My sister is similar. She got married this past summer but has always maintained that she doesn't want kids. Every time we spend time with her (not too often as she loves a couple of hours away, I always get comments like this. We were both at my parents over the holidays and my 4yo accidentally knocked some food over and she made a comment. I took it in jest and gave a lighthearted response.

Parenting isn't easy and it's not for everyone. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I personally wouldn't make a big deal about this.

She didn't get the life she wanted now she's trying to focus on the positives. I'd ignore it personally

I think you could politely ask her not to make these remarks in front of the children. Or get DH to! Whatever the reason behind her comments, it’s not nice for them to hear they’re so terrible as they get older.

Also, the toothpaste…. I’m racking my brain as to why you wouldn’t just get up and take it off him?! I breastfed my second and often had to sort things out for my first child, while baby was still attached to the boob, it was just part of having 2 kids and being alone a lot..

Her comments sound annoying but so does your parenting. "biggest privilege of your life" to have yogurt rubbed all over you by a bratty sounding two year old who wrecks the place and doesn't sleep? My arse it is!

I have DC, they are brilliant and I love them dearly but agree with your SIL that everything you've described sounds annoying as hell. She's right. She is rude to keep commenting on it I'll give you that, but given the circumstances I would bite my tongue if I were you and for heaven sake please don't spout nonsense to her about how much of a gift it is to wrangle a feral toddler - she's got eyes OP!

@Shootin

being covered in half eaten food to the point of having to change clothes (and presumably then wash said clothes) is pretty crappy let’s be honest!