To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

[hmln]

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

100% agree.

You can stand up and move with a baby attached. Or interrupt the feed

Which I definitely would have done!

Agreed, she’s making herself feel better, thinking she doesn’t need that in her life.

Not has simple as that when you’ve got a baby latched onto you.

But every example you’ve given sounds like her comments are fair. You ‘finally’ got your child into bed after ‘a two hour battle’ - I mean, who actively wants to spend their night doing that?! Not me! And I’ve got kids. So her response is pretty spot on!

I suppose it makes it touchy for you as it implies criticism of their behaviour but it’s not really. If someone runs marathons and people say ‘God - no way could I do that. I like to spend my weekends watching tv not running around chafing my nipples and sweating’ is that a personal criticism of the runner? I don’t think so. It’s more a revelation about the person saying the comments.

She doesn’t have the patience or time for kids, but you do, and that’s fine. If it’s annoying you, rather than getting cross you could perhaps say, ‘yeah, it’s hard - you don’t need to keep reminding me.’ That might be enough to make her see it’s getting a bit boring now.

Do you think it would be ok to watch SIL getting into her car by herself to go home and say “I am just so happy I am married and don’t have to go home to an empty house.” ?

Because that would be equally true but also equally unkind and unnecessary.

If it’s annoying you, rather than getting cross you could perhaps say, ‘yeah, it’s hard - you don’t need to keep reminding me.’ That might be enough to make her see it’s getting a bit boring now.

This is an excellent way of tackling it, but I suspect it’ll be ignored as it offers no way for the OP to rub her status in her SIL’s face.

Let it go.
Why couldn't you take the toothpaste from your son?

My sister is mid 30s and child free by choice. My other sister and I (both late 30s) have 5 kids between us, 4 of them under 4.

My child free sister regularly makes comments very similar to this and most family get togethers. Things like, "urgh, who'd have kids eh?" or "so what time we getting rid of the sprogs so we can get drinking and have adult time?" etc etc. We are so used to it now, it doesn't bother my sister or I. We just sort of eye roll and/ or laugh at her. Because, she's mostly right - it's hard bloody work!

BUT - she's also a very loving and generous Aunty to all of our kids. So it's easier to let it slide and not be offended, because we know how much she loves all her nieces and nephews and would never wish them away. She's just expressing all the reasons why she made a different choice to my sister and I, and how our kids validate that choice for her.

Exactly this, be kind to her. She may or may not want children anymore, but it’s still hard as a single person to observe seemingly perfect families. I don’t think she means harm, and it’s sometimes quite hard to have a conversation as a childless person with parents who’s priorities are so different.

I actually feel for your SIL, I know this behaviour very well and I wouldn’t be offended by it at all. I would actually probably laugh along with it and say don’t I know it. She may be at a really difficult stage and this is a coping mechanism.

To get honest, if you peddle the kind of nonsense in the real world as you do on here, I am not surprised your SIL tries to inject a note of reality.
You sound as if you are trying to portray an Instagram life with your children. Yogurty clothes a privilege indeed.

Why on earth do you have to comment at all on what someone’s life seems like? Unless it’s ’I’m so sorry things seem hard for you, I’m here if you need anything’ or ‘I’m so happy for you that things are going well’ there is just no need to comment. The things I’ve got uninvited comments about how awful they are on are ALWAYS things people would be jealous of like an athletic achievement, weight loss or having children. It would be so unacceptable to comment on how lazy someone was, how much weight they had gained or their childless status,

People are ALWAYS commenting on people's childless status: 'Oh you don't know what tiredness is until you have a child', 'Oh you don't know what unselfishness is until you have a child' 'Oh why can't you work Christmas day. You don't have children'. People have posted time and again how insulting and upsetting they find this. Yet still you have people on here making awful posts about childless people, seemingly unaware that many of those people will read their nasty suggestions as to how to respond to OP's SIL.

I 100% agree with you OP. You know she's not being purposely offensive but what she's saying is bloody annoying and if the DC hear then it becomes a big deal. She's bang out of order. A couple of comments within the first few months of your first DC being born - fair enough but repeatedly & frequently saying things which imply your DC are some kind of burden/annoying/disgusting etc is going to eventually send anyone over the edge. Even the most patient person

You've just made that up! Nowhere has op criticised or mocked the fact that SIL has no children. If she hadn't mentioned the FACT that SIL has no DC then you'd be saying "We can’t possibly comment without knowing whether SIL has DC of her own, for context, OP"
You can’t win on here.
All OP has done is quote her SIL's words, described the context in which they were said and given a factual description of SILs family set up. Thats it. Nothing else. You've created a narrative to suit your own assumptions. As usual

Personally I wouldn’t take offence. She’s not criticising your children. It sounds like like she doesn’t want to be pitied for being childless - it is obviously on her mind.

So? They could tell those people to shut up rather than feeling like it gives them a free pass to comment on everyone else’s lives.

And it’s really not universally true, anyway. I don’t have children of my own and have never been treated the way you are describing. I’ve almost never been asked about it, in fact and then only in a delicate and interested in getting to know me better sense.

Well I've managed it in the (dim and distant! ) past!

Good for you!

Sounds like sheldon cooper type sayings, eg factually correct but dont particulary help at that moment in time,

@hmln You sound very touchy OP

what she has said is just factual

it IS annoying to have to spend two hours getting your son to bed, coming up the toothpaste he has smeared and having to change your clothes cos a child has got food all over them. It’s ok for these annoyances to be acknowledged by others and even by you - it doesn’t make you a lesser mum!

It would be ridiculous to complain about this. She is right - these are the annoying parts of being a parent. I would imagine that she notices these more than you as she has taken a different path in not having children. I think most people witnessing kids playing up think 'thank god I am not dealing with that'. Maybe she is being a bit tactless in saying them but seriously I think you should get over it.

You sound rather defensive. I have young kids and it's ok to admit it's hard going at times. You don't have to pretend you love spending 2 hours wrestling your child into bed or getting filthy clothes. Both of those things really annoy me!

Cut your sil some slack. Her comments are not personal. She's trying to make herself feel better about not having kids while you have the ultimate prize.

Why's it a big deal? I tell my kids it's annoying when they mess about at bedtime, when they get food on my clothes etc, it's fine for them to learn to be considerate of other people and that their behaviour sometimes annoys people. Including people who aren't their parents. The specific things mentioned are annoying. I'm.sure the children get plenty of positive feedback about other things