To find SIL's comments on kids offensive?

[hmln]

SIL is in her mid 30s, childless and partner-less. She used to really want children but I think she's now given up on the idea.

I'm married to her brother, DH. We have DS 2 and DD 7mo. She constantly makes subtle digs at my kids and I previously thought it was just a phase, it would go away but it just hasn't and now that they understand more I feel like I need to say something. But what can I say? Each thing individually is minor but all taken together there's a theme. If I say anything to her directly she says she's joking or didn't quite mean it like that. But it adds up!

A few examples from the last few months:

1. DS is refusing to go to bed because he's excited at having arrived at his DGPs' house. I finally get him into bed after a 2hr battle. SIL "phew that looked hard, glad I'm not wasting hours of my evening like that on the regular hahahahah"
2. Whilst I was breastfeeding my DD I had to watch DS squeeze out a tube of toothpaste onto the floor and smear it. No one else was around to stop him and he wasn't listening to my "please stop" "please give me the toothpaste". SIL comes in and says "perks of being a mum eh"
3. DD kept us up for a night and we mentioned it in front of ILs because FIL literally asked how we slept. SIL "I think I value my sleep too much to have kids"
4. DH and I took turns entertaining the kids during the meal, MIL and FIL helped out a little too. SIL "feel so bad for parents, it effectively means you don't get to eat in peace for years on end!"
5. DS ran to cuddle and kiss DH with his face and hands covered in yogurt as DH came downstairs. Of course DH had to go change immediately, 5 minutes after he originally got dressed in the morning. SIL "eugh the joys of being loved by a toddler hahahah"
6. After DD fed some reflux came out. SIL "yuck, don't think I could bring myself to clean up anyone else's sick. Makes me vomit just watching this. You're so brave!"

This.

Everything she is saying is accurate. Who wouldn’t be irritated being covered in yoghurt and having to change again, five minutes after they’ve just got dressed. Not many people would see it as the greatest privilege!
I suspect you also make subtle digs and she’s retaliating.

That's why I feel sorry for her though. She wanted children and didn't get them - that must hurt a lot. She IS bitter and jealous and is trying to mask it with brittle humour. She's not just being a cunt for the sake of it.

I'm child-free by choice and honestly parenting looks like hell to me. It's easy for me to bite my tongue though, because I don't have any deep feelings about it - I got the life I wanted and I assume my parent friends did too. But it must be really hard for her to be confronted so much with the life she wanted and never got.

It may also be that having been confronted with the reality of parenting at close quarters she is starting to feel it probably isn’t for her after all.

There loads in life you can be deeply bitter about though, it’s not an excuse to be rude to other people.

I don't really see the issue with her comments, I think they're quite standard, normal things for someone to say that doesn't have children 🤷🏼‍♀️
None of her comments were about your children or parenting in any way OP.
It sounds like there is the chance that she's trying to convince herself she doesn't like the idea of parenthood as a coping mechanism buuttt all her comments sound fair enough to me 😂 if I was your SIL and I saw the way your children acted, I wouldn't immediately be signing up for that.

Everything she is saying is accurate. Who wouldn’t be irritated being covered in yoghurt and having to change again, five minutes after they’ve just got dressed. Not many people would see it as the greatest privilege!

Agree with this.

As a parent I find parts of parenting annoying. Most parents do. The mummies (and it usually is mothers in my experience) who border on toxic positivity and insist that every yoghurt smeared cuddle is the most amazing blessing and privilege or any general comments about parenting are somehow a dig at their precious offspring drive me up the wall.

Agreed. CarrotCake01 Even with children I'd privately think some of the examples OP sound annoying.

Yeah, it's shite.

However those saying 'i wouldn't spend 2 hours putting a child to bed... It wouldn't be me...' what WOULD you do?

I have 3 children and agree with everything she said

She's not wrong is she?! I feel sorry for SIL.

As an adult you can understand most of her comments are about her not you/your DC. She's either struggling with not having DC or she feels the need to defend her decision not have DC. Either way, I'd give her some grace knowing the comments say more about her not you.

However, I absolutely would intervene when she says negative comments which your children overhear and understand. No need to be dramatic, just a quick shut down either talking to SIL or talking to your DS "Not at all, we love hugs from DS" or "You get so excited to to see DH that you give hugs even with yoghurt hands. We love your hugs". It will refocus your child onto you and reassure them. Hopefully your SIL will pick up on the cues, if she doesn't and continues then something more direct to her would be needed.

She’s a rude bitch!

So what if she’s trying to make herself feel better about being childless, she’s doesn’t get to do that at the expense of other people children.

Id be making snarky comments back to her every single time, she would soon stop.

I think this is definitely the case. OP hates her SIL but feels she has to put up with her for the sake of her in-laws and DH.

Up until recently I wasn’t sure (and neither was DM) about our relationship with SIL (DB’s DW). She was always nice and pleasant to us but little in the way of conversation. During Christmas week they stayed with my parents and one day I walked (20 mins) to the local shops (but not the usual ones). Naice ones with a bookshop, Italian deli, small cafe and so on. We had such a nice time in the cafe, (she had her baby with her in a baby carrier) that we didn’t realise DB who’d come to collect us was outside! DM also had some nice chats to her about when she was younger (SIL) and I think because she’s academic and a hard worker and a bit shy she’s not good with small talk.

OP maybe if you try to get to know your SIL as a person rather than a relative then she might cut down the remarks which you don’t like.

I’d say quite honestly to her and use an “I” statement. Eg It upsets me when you make negative comments about motherhood and children in front of my kids. I worry that they might understand and I don’t want them to feel bad.

If she says, ah it’s just a joke. Counter - well I don’t find those kind of jokes funny. It hurts me when you say those things.

Then see if she changes her behaviour.

If she can’t then I would be cutting down contact with her.

Helar
That might work for her SIL, but OP is in for a long ride if she's going to be precious about negative comments about parenthood though.

Is she going to avoid parent and child groups too or events with other parents? Use her "I statements" to police the conversations of her friends and family or random parents at the school gate or parties because it's too upsetting to hear that not everyone thinks every aspect of parenting is amazing? Is the whole family going to have to be on eggshells because they're not allowed to say yoghurt smeared everywhere is annoying because OP might be annoyed about it?

This is probably going to sound really harsh but in my experience there's a very fine line between someone using "I statements" to resolve conflict and self-absorbed people using "I statements" to either create conflict and place themselves in victim position to control others.

SIL is spot on with what she's saying. It's evident to me that by articulating these thoughts, she is reinforcing her decision to not have children.

I actually feel a lot of sympathy for SIL and feel you could be more understanding OP.

You just made it transparently clear what you really think of her. Well done.

None of what she said were criticisms. And in fact, many of them sound like a clumsy attempt to offer sympathy for some of the sucky aspects of parenting.

Much of what she says is implicit criticism of your child-rearing. Tbh, you make it seem slightly more difficult than necessary.

Several of the examples given are actually annoying behaviour although OP is passing them off as the joys of parenthood.

I don't see that any of sil's comments are rude.
Just ignore her and carry on regardless.

Op. There's still time for her to meet, marry and be a mum. At which time you can be smug and remind her 'I'm so glad mine have grown out of that'

You don't just give up on the idea of having kids. It never goes away. She's just trying to make herself feel better about her situation. I actually think you could be a bit more empathetic. She may think it won't happen for her

Sour grapes and all that. I would have a word with her to let her know it's upsetting you.

You know, it actually does go away in my experience. What makes you think it doesn’t? Is that your experience? Everyone is different.

@Ramalangadingdong fair enough. I guess in my experience I thought it had, but it hasn't. It does change over time though. I would say with the constant commenting on her SIL kids, that she's trying to convince herself it's gone away, but it probably hasn't.

In my experience too. Life goes on, time heals.