Page 22 | To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

Hjjo · 2023-12-28T14:31:41+00:00

ds is 13 months. I feel like it’s constant and it won’t ever stop will it? He’s not even difficult. He’s a placid baby mostly. I’m just so bored. I feel terrible but I want to be at work and just away from the nappies and the routine and the non stop demands. I feel terrible for being able to be a sahm but not wanting to :(

Parker231 · 04/01/2024 20:57

sunray5 · 04/01/2024 20:49

I suppose if you go back to work at 6 months, you wouldn't know any SAHMs because they would be invisible to you. But if you are a SAHM yourself, it feels as though almost everyone else is, because this is what you see out and about in the day and who you socialise your kids with; who you see at activities and at the schools etc.

True - I did the after school club collecting and met some other parents there but they were also collecting after work. I got to know some of them there as DT’s always wanted to stay a little longer to finish up the game or activity they were doing. Many of our weekends centred around school and sporting events - met more parents there.

sunray5 · 04/01/2024 21:01

Thinking about it, I don't know anybody at all who used a nursery for a baby, either full time or part time. This is locally or friends who live outside London. I have a few friends who left the baby with a nanny in their own home, but that was after about 8/9 months at the earliest. Nobody ever mentioned nurseries for babies at all. It's like it wasn't even on the radar. It's not something that even occurred to me at any point.

Char65 · 05/01/2024 07:11

sunray5 · 04/01/2024 14:20

Lol at this portrayal of SAHMs as downtrodden in shabby clothes, chained to the ironing board. I know the pp was talking with nostalgia about the 70s or something... but it's 2024! I don't know a single SAHM that doesn't have cleaners, if not a housekeeper or au pair. They mostly send the ironing out. Hardly in shabby clothes either - they look fab on the whole. Most of them have 3 or 4 kids though - and that's quite enough. It's very different to having one or two, or twins who do everything at the same stage. Try having a baby at home, a toddler, one in reception and one in Year 2 etc and extrapolate that forwards - homework, school issues, dramas, exams, etc etc etc. You're all over the place. Plus they tend to have kids in very selective independent schools and put a lot of energy into supporting education, music, drama, sports or whatever it is they're into. Hardly shuffling round doing ironing all day. I do wonder if some people on here have ever met a SAHM. And of course they're educated women - very much so in most cases. They know precisely what they're doing and why it makes sense. It's hardly a woebegone life of no aspiration or choices. It's hilarious reading what some people imagine.

Yes I agree with this, this was like me.... except perhaps the 'educated women' part lol😆

HappyBusman · 05/01/2024 08:59

sunray5 · 04/01/2024 21:01

Thinking about it, I don't know anybody at all who used a nursery for a baby, either full time or part time. This is locally or friends who live outside London. I have a few friends who left the baby with a nanny in their own home, but that was after about 8/9 months at the earliest. Nobody ever mentioned nurseries for babies at all. It's like it wasn't even on the radar. It's not something that even occurred to me at any point.

You sound as if you live life in some tiny echo chamber with bizarrely restrictive gendered practices. The people I know (and I’ve moved around the world a fair bit, so friends, family acquaintances are pretty widely scattered across different countries) who have become SAHPs have done so either because of a difficulty or unforeseen event (children with SN, redundancy/ unemployment, illness) and/ or for a time-specific period (temporarily trailing spouse with no work visa, difficulty in finding work having followed spouse’s job). I say ‘people’ because three of those I’m thinking of are male. All highly educated — many of these people I know from my postgraduate days in the UK, so all have at least one postgrad degree, often more.

sunray5 · 05/01/2024 10:16

Nothing is restrictive though, @HappyBusman. It's London, so hardly a 'tiny echo chamber.' Nearly everyone is what you wouod describe as 'highly educated.' I have a postgrad degree, as do many women I know. I'm not sure what that has to do with the decision to be with your own children. Nobody is forcing them, it's just what many women actively want to prioritise. And they can, so they do. That's it really.

Parker231 · 05/01/2024 12:39

sunray5 · 04/01/2024 21:01

Thinking about it, I don't know anybody at all who used a nursery for a baby, either full time or part time. This is locally or friends who live outside London. I have a few friends who left the baby with a nanny in their own home, but that was after about 8/9 months at the earliest. Nobody ever mentioned nurseries for babies at all. It's like it wasn't even on the radar. It's not something that even occurred to me at any point.

None of your friends or colleagues went back to work after maternity leave?

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/01/2024 12:49

sunray5 · 05/01/2024 10:16

Nothing is restrictive though, @HappyBusman. It's London, so hardly a 'tiny echo chamber.' Nearly everyone is what you wouod describe as 'highly educated.' I have a postgrad degree, as do many women I know. I'm not sure what that has to do with the decision to be with your own children. Nobody is forcing them, it's just what many women actively want to prioritise. And they can, so they do. That's it really.

I'm in London too and the only people I know who don't at least use a nursery part time, have family to help with childcare but they are a minority.

It does sound like you're in a SAHM bubble but like I think it was you who said before, I think it makes sense as a SAHM that you know so many SAHM's.

Char65 · 05/01/2024 13:00

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/01/2024 12:49

I'm in London too and the only people I know who don't at least use a nursery part time, have family to help with childcare but they are a minority.

It does sound like you're in a SAHM bubble but like I think it was you who said before, I think it makes sense as a SAHM that you know so many SAHM's.

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@SouthLondonMum22 Yes I think that's right. We lived in London when I was a SAMH in the 1990's and 2000's and pretty much all of my friends were SAHMs but by the same token a lot of the mothers who sent their children to our children's school had high level/high paid professional jobs/careers and we (the SAMHS) were definitely in the minority hence my post earlier about being asked when I was going back to work. But there's no doubt about it you can be in a bubble. we moved frequently in and around London and I always became friendly with other SAHMS.

Chinsupmeloves · 17/12/2025 23:58

Out of all of my friends, acquaintances and in laws, the only 3 sahms I have known have been a 15 year old whose Mum looked after them both, a friend who was married to a controlling DH from a different culture are wouldn't allow her to work and one with a very rich partner.

Apart from that we've all gone back to work after maternity leave and have continued to work. Xx

SleepingStandingUp · 20/12/2025 20:46

before he was born - the imagining of all those baby groups and doing homework made crafts from nature and endless just joy and love and not wanting to send them off anywhere else.

once he was born - the desire to make sure I was always there for hospital and medical stuff, to make sure he wasn't even in hospital alone during the day, that we weren't struggling to attend appointments etc.

once he was 4 I started to consider work and got pregnant with twins.

once they were born - sheer practicality