To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

[Hjjo]

ds is 13 months. I feel like it’s constant and it won’t ever stop will it? He’s not even difficult. He’s a placid baby mostly. I’m just so bored. I feel terrible but I want to be at work and just away from the nappies and the routine and the non stop demands. I feel terrible for being able to be a sahm but not wanting to :(

@Thepeopleversuswork I stand by my earlier comments.

I worked when I didn’t need to but have the advantage of DT’s now being in their early 20’s and have the evidence that our decision worked perfectly for our family - DT’s, DH and I.

@Parker231 believe whatever makes you happy.

I chose to be a SAHM because even at the best childcare setting in the world, your baby is one of many and isn’t getting the same care as from their mother. I’ve worked in enough childcare settings to vow I’d never leave my kids at one (even the good ones!)

the positives of a child care setting can be replicated at home or at groups

despite the agenda being pushed on us, I believe that apart from the exception, mothers know and love their child better than anybody else in this world including the fathers. (I get there are some exceptions) and are better looked after by their mothers than anybody else

i value time with my child more so than earning money or helping someone else make money

time is precious. Kids only need you for a short amount of time and you then have years left to work.

im not career driven

being a mum brings me more joy than anything else in this world. I believe motherhood is what you make of it - you don’t need lots of money to make it fun and adventurous. I kinda think if people find it boring then it’s your own responsibility and you should try and do more.

I think it’s sad that babies are put into childcare and brought up by the system. My nephew spends more time awake at nursery than he does at home. I understand some people don’t have a choice but to work but I find that heartbreaking to know our childcare and education system are raising children nowadays, not parents.

children will never wish their parents worked more, but they’ll always wish mum and dad were at home more

Don’t need to believe - evidence is there in our family. Happy healthy and successful DT’s - our greatest achievements.

I had a SAHM growing up and it's one of the reasons why I'm not a SAHM myself.

I did what most mums do on maternity leave, still found it boring so I did something about it and went back to work. It was absolutely the right decision for everyone.

I also think it's easy for you to say as you aren't career driven. I am and that didn't magically change when I become a parent. I love my career and I love my child, why can't I have both? Fathers usually do.

Nursery look after him during working hours but they don't raise him. Do teachers raise children too? Or just nursery workers/childminders etc?

I had a SAHM growing up and it's one of the reasons why I'm not a SAHM myself

I think that’s true for many people, depends on your own experience.

I had a SAHM and so did pretty much everyone in my era. The rare mums that did work either had grandparents that looked after kids while they were at work, or if school aged would pay a SAHM next door or close to pick kids up from school with their kids, take home and they’d collect after work. Formal care simply did not exist when I was young.

I really admired the kids whose mums worked and came to pick them up looking very important and smartly dressed 🤣. As opposed to my very lovely mum who spent much of her time behind the ironing board. There was a lady in our street who used to take in/get paid ironing for working mums, and I always thought surely you’d want to work and pay someone to do your ironing rather than doing it yourself🤣. I recall saying this to my mum to be met with ‘ironing’s alright’, and I thought, no, it bloody isn’t. It’s not just ironing obviously, this is just one representative example.

My first boyfriend in high school had an aunt who didn’t have kids (or husband), went to uni and had a career job. I found her fascinating and, while I loved mum dearly, I just felt so sorry for her that she didn’t have this life. Even though it was what she wanted I, as a child, honestly felt she had third best (second best being non-uni educated mums who worked as receptionists for example) and had zero idea HOW she could be happy with this. So, it was pretty clear I was never going to be ‘just’ a SAHM.

Obviously I had a career, and while our kids were never in care, apart from preschool age for the time required for peer socialisation and school readiness, and with this being due to choice on our end to save high care costs to try, there were times when the kids came second to my work. DH and I tag teamed care by working opposite shifts/days (very rarely ever at home together and both awake with the kids), and there were times when they were in my care and I would have a call about an emergency I could help with and the kids were plonked in front of tv and told not to move, or dinner stopped half way through cooking, chuck them a banana and restart afterwards and they ate 2hrs late. At these particular times the very clear message was that they were second to my job. As adults I have asked them about how they felt about this and all of them have fed back that they believe it was actually a healthy situation, and they believe it benefited them as opposed to otherwise. Also, none of them can imagine being SAHP’s or having husbands/wives that are SAHP’s if/when they have kids so will be interesting to see what occurs there, albeit not my circus 😁.

My DM was a sahm and I was for several years. Loved it. No regrets and would do the same over again.

I think I would be on anti depressants if I was an SAHM. I only work part time but at home all day would not be good for me.

I think it’s sad that babies are put into childcare and brought up by the system.

Children of working parents are not being brought up by the system. They're in childcare not foster care.
They are being brought up by their parents and the choice to use childcare is just one of many decisions made by parents.

I'm not career driven

But some women are and that's okay. Just like it's okay that you aren't. That means that they might choose to structure their lives differently.
Neither is wrong, just different.

It’s unfortunate you didn’t work in some of the amazing nurseries - DT’s had a 1:2 ratio - the same that the DT’s would have got from me if I’d stayed at home. I don’t know any children in a nursery being brought up by the system. I have doubts that you actually worked in any nurseries if that is your view. Do you homeschool your DC’s?
Being a mother is the most important aspect - for both stay at home and working parents. Why would you think differently?

I found it much easier at this age due to naps. Make sure little one has one nap a day when you're at home and make sure you just chill or do something you want to do in that nap time. Once the naps stop I literally can't hear myself think anymore, it's constant full on, so defo get them signed up for nursery for when that starts 🫠

Lol at this portrayal of SAHMs as downtrodden in shabby clothes, chained to the ironing board. I know the pp was talking with nostalgia about the 70s or something... but it's 2024! I don't know a single SAHM that doesn't have cleaners, if not a housekeeper or au pair. They mostly send the ironing out. Hardly in shabby clothes either - they look fab on the whole. Most of them have 3 or 4 kids though - and that's quite enough. It's very different to having one or two, or twins who do everything at the same stage. Try having a baby at home, a toddler, one in reception and one in Year 2 etc and extrapolate that forwards - homework, school issues, dramas, exams, etc etc etc. You're all over the place. Plus they tend to have kids in very selective independent schools and put a lot of energy into supporting education, music, drama, sports or whatever it is they're into. Hardly shuffling round doing ironing all day. I do wonder if some people on here have ever met a SAHM. And of course they're educated women - very much so in most cases. They know precisely what they're doing and why it makes sense. It's hardly a woebegone life of no aspiration or choices. It's hilarious reading what some people imagine.

Less than 6% of the population of the UK attend private school. The group of people you describe rich enough to have 3-4 kids in private school and a cleaner and house help are very rare indeed, so I can only guess you move on rarefied circles and believe for whatever reason that this is typical when statistically speaking it is not.

The SAHMs I know have chosen to do so for various reasons. Some are very religious and conservative and believe women are best suited at home with their children, some have children with additional needs who require a lot of support, some simply prefer it and make it work on a single income but aren't wealthy by any means. I don't think there is one type of SAHM.

No there isn't one type of SAHM, but SAHM / SAHD will be more prevalent in families where there are at least several children because there is a tipping point where juggling everyone and everything can get too much. Also, it stands to reason that having a very high income partner / husband / wife and a general context of financial security or underlying wealth (eg investments, other passive income, property) within a family unit makes the SAHP set up far more viable. Which is why there is a noticeably high preponderance of SAHMs in areas with a more wealthy demographic eg. Central or SW London or certain parts of Surrey, to name just a couple.

I would make a terrible SAHM. I enjoy my job, and I like knowing that if something happened to DH then I won't have been out of the workforce and unable to support myself. Instead, I work flexible hours job and only have my 16m in nursery from 8-4. I still get some time with him in the morning and a few hours before bed, plus all weekend. It helps me to be the best version of myself honestly, but everyone is different.

Can you try making some mum friends with similar-aged babies and maybe rotate care for a few hours a week/a few times a week? That would give you some time to yourself.

@sunray5 "I do wonder if some people on here have ever met a SAHM."

Well,I certainly have. I do wonder whether you have, though!

The areas I've lived in with the highest proportion of SAHMs have been religious conservative areas (Muslim and Jewish) that were relatively low income with large families but have set roles for men vs women.

The HNW people I know mostly both work (husband in finance, wife in law, etc). So YMMV, obviously.

"Well,I certainly have. I do wonder whether you have, though!"

I am one and have been over many years and I have known / know probably hundreds of SAHMs over 20 years since we moved here. It's not a religious area. In this area and many others like it, probably most mums SAH, at least, for the preschool years. Many have nannies as well. I can't really think of anyone who used nurseries under the age of about 2. Nobody is really aware of where these full-time nurseries are. Certainly, I never heard it mentioned. People tend to put them in a playgroup for 3 mornings a week from the term they turn 3. The playgroup doesn't take them earlier. A good proportion remain SAHMs well into the teen years - this is usually larger families. They may develop new business interests on the side as the years progress, but it varies. Many of the dads work fairly flexi as well, increasingly so as the years have passed.

@sunray5 it's interesting how areas differ.
Where I live there are very few SAHMs. There are two nurseries, one in the village and one in the outskirts and they're owed by the same people. Pretty much everyone uses these nurseries and you need your put your name down when pregnant. They're both absolutely outstanding.
The kids then all go to the same primary school.

@WhiteNoise91 I agree 100% sent with this post

Sometimes what's lost in our modern age of social media and constant pulls on our time is the wonder of children - and this is not an SAHM v working mother argument but I feel privileged to have been a SAMH and I'm grateful finances allowed that to be the case. I loved everything about being a mother - being pregnant, babies (although I agree with the OP they are hard work and extremely tiring) but it improves as they get older and young children are a lot more interesting. Once they can walk and talk and develop their little personalities (and they can also understand simple instructions🙄) they are an absolute delight. That was my favourite time, getting down on the carpet and playing games with them, taking them out, teaching them to swim, taking them for walks or to the park. I used to keep a little book of their sayings and sometimes send them to women's magazines. One time one of our daughters went on a school trip to a zoo, when she returned I asked what she had seen there.
"Animals" - came the reply.😆

All parents have fun stories about their children - or at least should have.

I look on those days with a great deal of nostalgia and when they were older I would taking them to loads of places in and around London. People used to say me, "how do you manage with 3 then 4 children by yourself?" but the truth was they were always as good as gold.

children will never wish their parents worked more, but they’ll always wish mum and dad were at home more.

Enough said.

Same here - I don’t know any SAHM’s. My DM and DMil both worked full time as did my DSis and DSil. We checked out nurseries where we lived (SW3) as soon as I got pregnant and was on the waiting list for our favourite one. A major panic when it turned out to be twins and needed to reserve two nursery places. My friends also all returned to full time jobs as soon as their maternity leave ended.

Some of the men I work with are married to SAHMs and my sister is a SAHM back in our hometown which is up North so not as expensive as London, she wouldn't be able to be a SAHM here. Like I said as well, growing up my mum was a SAHM, she never returned to work.

Other than my sister, I don't know personally know any SAHM's. Most mothers I do know seem to go back to work but part time, not full time.

I suppose if you go back to work at 6 months, you wouldn't know any SAHMs because they would be invisible to you. But if you are a SAHM yourself, it feels as though almost everyone else is, because this is what you see out and about in the day and who you socialise your kids with; who you see at activities and at the schools etc.

That makes sense.

I went back at 3 months so it was very unlikely for me to get to know any SAHM's, other than like I said, the ones I know of because I work with their DH's.