To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

[Hjjo]

ds is 13 months. I feel like it’s constant and it won’t ever stop will it? He’s not even difficult. He’s a placid baby mostly. I’m just so bored. I feel terrible but I want to be at work and just away from the nappies and the routine and the non stop demands. I feel terrible for being able to be a sahm but not wanting to :(

Because they are putting their own interests above their children's interests.

Wrong.

It's not as simplistic as you make out.
You're just a hypocrite. It's appears criticising SAHM is out of bounds but working mothers are fair game.

@Thepeopleversuswork I'm not sure what your degrees were in, but my point is that mums should not feel under pressure to go to work from feminists when they don't need to and can stay at home and look after their children.

I'm sorry if the truth hurts.

@ElaineMBenes

It's not as simplistic as you make out.
You're just a hypocrite. It's appears criticising SAHM is out of bounds but working mothers are fair game.

'Twas ever thus, though.

Discussing the positive benefits of working as a mother is "failing to validate women's choices". Or "being a rabid feminist".

But women who work are fair game because they are "not putting their children first". There's never a shred of evidence produced to support this argument. Just poor comprehension, bigotry and spite.

Yes sometimes it works the other way around, to be fair. Sometimes working mums are catty as fuck about SAHMs. But @youngones1 is in over her intellectual head.

I understand that thank you.

But the whole point of the thread is that the OP wants to go back to work. There is no sinister plot by feminists to convince her to do so. She wants to.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this due to your personal circumstances, you overwhelmingly resentful that some women have the opportunity to look after their children themselves. I am happy for women who choose to work but we shouldn't criticise those who don't.

I'm sorry if the truth hurts.

Nice try.
I'm perfectly happy with the choices I've made.

Unlike you I don't feel the need to criticise the choices other women make.

I felt exactly like you. I found 0-18 months incredibly challenging. I yearned to be back at work full time, and have recently reached a point where that will be possible in terms of our lifestyle shared responsibilities etc. My DS is 2.5 now, and I've backtracked and am remaining part time because I just love being with him now, it's so much fun playing games going exploring seeing his little personality come out.

I've worked 60+ hour weeks in a relentlessly stressful job and can hand on heard say that was a piece of cake compared to the relentlessness that's parenthood, it's ok to not like parts of it. Do what makes you happy, it's a different journey for everyone.

Stop misquoting me, I am just defending the right for mums to SAH without shame or criticism from the fems on here.

Well said!

@youngones1

I'm sorry you are struggling with this due to your personal circumstances, you overwhelmingly resentful that some women have the opportunity to look after their children themselves. I am happy for women who choose to work but we shouldn't criticise those who don't.

I'm not struggling with anything, I'm very happy that I work and I would not want to stay at home FT even if I could. I love working. I'm simply saying I won't have people criticise me for supporting my own kid.

And if you read my posts you'll see I have said consistently that I am very happy for women who want to remain at home to do so.

Literally no one has said all women should go back to work.

You are distorting the complex points people have made and reducing them to two dimensional stereotypes about feminists and their agendas. The argument is much more nuanced than you seem capable of recognising.

You are very welcome to your views on bringing up children but you can't have it both ways: you can't on the one hand tell working women they are failing their kids and then demand that no one has any comment to make about the potential downsides of remaining at home.

You seem to be struggling to understand the points I have made.

Stop misquoting me, I am just defending the right for mums to SAH without shame or criticism from the fems on here.

But you have repeatedly called women who chose to work selfish.

I also defend the right for any parent to stay at home if that's what they want to do.
I'm an advocate for choice.

@youngones1

You seem to be struggling to understand the points I have made.

I don’t think so…. You have said women who work are putting their interests ahead of their kids and are failing their children. It’s a pretty simple argument. Not much complexity there?

Neither DH or I need to work but chose to as we enjoy our professions and have studied hard to progress. Our DT’s went to full time nursery from six months old (they loved it) and we used breakfast, after school and holiday clubs (they also loved these and complained if we collected them early).
Our decisions were in the best interests of our DT’s and ourselves. DT’s are now in their early 20’s so have the advantage of seeing how well it worked out for us.
All I want for DT’s is to have a choice in the future when they have their own families. In too many cases the women is the lower earner and the default SAHP - this shouldn’t be happening - why aren’t women getting the higher education and better paid jobs?

Good grief, this thread is going round in circles. Can't people just accept that people have very different views?

Some women could afford to stay at home with their children but choose not to because they want to work.
Some women could not afford to stay at home with their children, but might prefer to stay at home if they could.
Some women can afford to stay home and maintain their current lifestyle and choose to do so.
Some women stay at home with their children and manage with a greatly reduced income and no luxuries.

Some women think that their children benefit from being in nurseries, and that they benefit from having parents who feel fulfilled by their work.

Some women think that their children benefit more from being cared for by a stay at home parent (usually the mother).
Some women would describe themselves as feminists, whilst others would not.

Does that cover everything? None of these views are right or wrong, they are different, and different circumstances suit different people.

Good summary so long as it’s not women who are the default SAHP when the parents decide to have one parent at home. Women need to aim for careers not just jobs so that they have more opportunities and choices.

You seem to just be sitting on the fence.

You seem to just be sitting on the fence.

I wasn't aware we needed to pick a side?

It's not sitting on the fence, it's acknowledging that both are valid options.

People make choices that suit them and their family.

and SAHM's never become SAHM's because of their own interests? Because they want to be with their children?

That's absolutely fine but no different to working mums who also want to work.

But surely everyone tries (or should try) to do what they believe is best for their own circumstances, taking into account how they want their child to be taken care of, their money situation, and any career aspirations they have? Unless someone is neglecting their child, I don't understand why threads like this always descend into people insisting that other people's choices are wrong and theirs are right. There's also no need to link parents' choices to feminism when it really doesn't matter whether someone does or does not hold feminist views. I did what I believed was the best thing for my child, taking my circumstances and preferences into account, and don't expect to be judged for that any more than I judge someone who has a very different view/situation from me.

I agree and it is fine for a Fem to go to work when their child is still in nappies because they find childcare boring not because they need the money. But please don't say it is still in the child's best interest, that is BS.

How would it be in a child's best interest to be at home with a SAHM who is bored, miserable and unfulfilled?

Everyone who has a choice is going to largely do what they prefer, including those who are SAHM's. If it makes working mums selfish, it makes SAHM's selfish too.

If the parent is unhappy at home, it is the whole family’s best interest to use nursery whilst the parent returns to work
It doesn’t just relate to the mother but the father. Has nothing to do with whether the mother is a feminist or not.

I agree and it is fine for a Fem to go to work when their child is still in nappies because they find childcare boring not because they need the money. But please don't say it is still in the child's best interest, that is BS.

'A fem' 🙄 are you this rude in real life?

It is in the best interest of a child to have happy parents.
The decision to go back to work is rarely so binary.

Personally I went back to work for a range of reasons:

• I enjoy my job and have invested a significant amount of time and money getting specific qualifications
• I have a clear career plan and a significant break would impact those plans.
• although we could manage on one salary it would mean we couldn't afford to live where we currently live and we feel this is somewhere that offers DS a particular lifestyle and opportunities. Therefore it is in his best interests that we both work.

Those are my reasons and other people make different choices.... and that's okay.