To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

[Hjjo]

ds is 13 months. I feel like it’s constant and it won’t ever stop will it? He’s not even difficult. He’s a placid baby mostly. I’m just so bored. I feel terrible but I want to be at work and just away from the nappies and the routine and the non stop demands. I feel terrible for being able to be a sahm but not wanting to :(

I do love being a SAHM but I think part of that is that I've resigned myself to the fact it can be boring. I just see DD as a little friend I hang around with all day. She's 12montha now and for me it gets better everyday.

That's not to say I'll always feel like this and if I change my mind I will go back to work. The thing I do get frustrated by sometimes is having no time to myself. I'm knackered by the time she goes to bed at 8pm so I'm not long in bed after that.

Was your baby planned? If so why did you have him/her? Surely you had some idea of what the first couple of years would be like. It’s shit and relentless and hard and many people choose not to have children for that reason. There are so many beautiful moments though that should (almost) make up for it. It gets easier about age 2. Is your partner helping you the way they should do/how much you expected them to? Could they be the SAHP and you go back to work? If not and if you don’t like being a SAHM but have the choice why don’t you put him/her in childcare and go back to work?

Absolutely do not want other people bringing up my child.

I want to cook wholesome scratch made meals.

Want to teach my child our values, our traditions, make memories, keep a strong attachment, no separation trauma.

One on one care.

My child, I'm the mother and I don't want the state taking over.

There’s nothing in the world wrong with wanting to be a working mother - it has a lot of benefits, and your needs matter too!

You do realise, right, that people who work also bring up their children? That being in childcare and then school does not usually engender "separation trauma"? And that having a job doesn't necessitate "the state taking over" care of your child?

@SwordToFlamethrower this is what I feel so conflicted about. I am just not cut out for it, I feel so horrendously bored and know that is so selfish.

@purpledaze24 yes planned and I was happy to be a stay at home parent. I didn’t realise how much I would feel I was losing my mind and how bored I would be. Ds isn’t difficult, rarely cries etc. But I feel like I am willing each day away and it is so unfair on him.

The nursery’s I went to see just seemed so awful. The children didn’t look happy there. It was ok for a little older kids. But the babies looked miserable crying etc. I am sure there are good nursery’s out there but I couldn’t find them. I wish I had investigated using a Nanny though

I chose to be a SAHM because I was happier at home than at work, I really enjoyed being with my children, I didn’t want to use childcare and we could afford for me to do it. I did try part time for a while but I wasn’t happy so gave my job up and never went back to it. Youngest is now a teen. 😅

It’s not for everyone though and if you’re not enjoying it, then go back to work. 💐

@Wupity what age do you think classes for older children? I wanted to try and get to 2 for ds but I just don’t think I can, 11 months to go

It isn't selfish, it just isn't for you and that's absolutely fine. It certainly isn't beneficial to a child to have a parent at home who is miserable.

I'm a better parent because I work full time. There's no shame in that.

I never wanted to stay at home, I wanted financial independence, in case I needed it if my marriage failed(it did). I wanted to be a positive role model for my children especially my daughter, and I wanted my children to benefit from spending time with other children and learning to socialise.

Go back to work - a chance to have quiet time in a coffee shop at lunchtime, adult conversations and go to the toilet without DC wanting to follow you!

I really missed the intellectual stimulation during my maternity leave and I was really enjoying returning to work. I am SAHM now for various reasons and I actually enjoy it more now as I had a chance to work between. But it's also easier 2nd time around as DD is older.

I felt exactly the same with both DC and skipped back to work. I feel no guilt about it. I feel very strongly about being able to be financially independent (I am married though). I worked hard to get my career where it is and my kids don't miss out at all. If anything it's made them a lot more independent and willing to get 'stuck in' to anything like holiday camps etc.

Your comments are very dramatic. Using a full time nursery doesn’t mean someone else brings up your DC’s, the state doesn’t take over (not sure I understand that comment).
Whether I worked or not I wasn’t going to cook from scratch - not interested or enjoy cooking.
Our DC’s are still taught our values and traditions - why wouldn’t they? Going to nursery doesn’t impact the strong bond and attachment we have with them and it helps avoid any separation issues as they understand that you always come back for them.

@SouthLondonMum22 thanks. I do feel I would be bouncier and happier if I just had something different to think about and not just nappies and wipes and changing units and food and milk and washing … I know I should be better at these things but the enjoyment goes out of the window for me when it’s every moment of every day.

The state taking over? Are you mixing up nurseries with state-run children's homes? What does this even mean?

this is what I feel so conflicted about. I am just not cut out for it, I feel so horrendously bored and know that is so selfish.

I say this gently, and speaking to myself as well as you - but think about how bonkers it sounds to label your feeling bored as ‘selfish’? It’s literally how you feel. Is this what you want to teach your son, that listening to your feelings about what you like and dislike, is selfish? I totally get that you want to be able to say you enjoy it, but you don’t. That’s not the reality. If you accept the reality, without bashing yourself, then you’re free with a calm mind to decide what you want to do. Guilt isn’t the best frame of mind to inform good decisions. Perhaps you will make adjustments to make it more bearable, make more mum park etc. Or you may decide it’s not for you and work part time. But try to do away with all the shaming yourself for perfectly normal feelings.

I became a SAHM when my children were 7 and 4, for my youngest’s preschool year. Prior to that I worked 3 days. Decided because youngest was struggling with various things and we felt needed me more, while I was struggling to do it all with work, kids and home. I was so excited to ‘retire’ and pretty upset to find out it was so fucking hard! My kids aren’t easy kids. And when I worked I had a cleaner but we gave that up and I find cleaning so dull. I’m still at home now youngest is at school and unsurprisingly, enjoying it more now! So I really understand the pressure on yourself to enjoy it - took me a year to really admit to myself and accept that I didn’t.

Because I didn’t want to have a baby and put them in childcare for 9 hours a day. It was always my plan to be at home with my baby, building up to a bit of pre-school when they were 2ish and then going from there.

My mum went back to work when I was 8 weeks old and I was always in some kind of breakfast club or holiday club or childcare- when I was thinking about having a family, that weighted heavily on my mind.

That aside though- being a SAHM for me would be extremely tough if we were struggling financially, I had no hobbies of my own and felt like the house skivvy.

The months you are describing were extremely tough and my paid job was much easier and appealing- but I always had a night out with ‘the girls’ planned, an hour each day for exercise and a very present and equal husband (despite me being a SAHM- shock horror!!!!) to make things more bearable. I also outsourced cleaning and ironing because fuck that for a game of soldiers.

unfortunately ^^ the above isn’t everyone’s experience and a lot of women who SAH have useless husbands and are usually at home because they are priced out of childcare.

I love being a SAHM but if you are default parent once your DH gets in and have no time for yourself and your goals- it can very easily be shite and alienating.

I really want (and wanted) to be a sahm. Mainly to make my life easier. Both DC have SN, one severely disabled. I would have some breathing space when they are in school, the school hols would be less stressful (I am allowed to WFH though but it is still hard), I wouldn't sit on my laptop at night to work the hours back from the at least fortnightly hospital appointments. In short, I want to be sahm to have an easier life. Unfortunately, I cannot afford to live on 76.75 per week (carers allowance).

Be the best parent you can be and if being happy means you go back to work then that’s what you need to do.
In answer to your question, for me it meant being a sahm that would make me happy. Just always knew it was for me and I don’t regret it. We had less but were very happy. Happy parents help raise happy children.

Which is completely understandable. I went back to work by choice when DS was 12 weeks because I was bored out of my mind but also because I enjoy my career and didn't want to take too much time out.

I'm expecting twins and plan to do the same again this time.

Do what is right for you.

I did like being a SAHM but it was hard when they were small, it is quite relentless and a lot of it is boring. I basically did whatever I could to make it not boring! So I had a bit of a routine which involved other people as I liked the grown up conversation. So we went swimming once a week and then to the park with friends for lunch afterwards, we went to playgroup (which was basicallly mums group), we joined a “music” class and went for tea and toast afterwards, and I used to take them to a baby soft play place, again, with friends. We also used to go to each others houses. It helped that I was in Australia so we spent a lot of time outside, in the park and on the beach.
We’d do one of these activities in the morning, then come home for lunch and nap and then the afternoon I would try to plan home activities like playing in the garden, or we’d go on a little “walk” where they could pick up and examine every stone and stick, we might play with washing up bubbles outside, that kind of thing.

Don’t feel bad op. We live in a culture where being a sahm is truly awful - it’s not like generations before us where we would have been linked into familial and social networks. It’s lonely, mind numbing drudgery now, coupled with social shaming and the nagging of worry of the long term financial impacts.

Previous generations weren’t as child focused either. My mil tells of putting baby dh out on the front door step in his pram while she got on with her jobs. Once dc we’re old enough to toddle they were pretty much in the care of the neighbourhood kids.

It’s no reflection on your character or worth as a person or a mother that you’re struggling. We’re not a species designed for isolation and drudgery.

I was a SAHM until DS was 3 and loved it. My friend had a DS the year before and everyone expected her to be a SAHM as she had tried for years to conceive and her husband earns buckets. However, she went back to work after six months because she needed it too much.