To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

[Hjjo]

ds is 13 months. I feel like it’s constant and it won’t ever stop will it? He’s not even difficult. He’s a placid baby mostly. I’m just so bored. I feel terrible but I want to be at work and just away from the nappies and the routine and the non stop demands. I feel terrible for being able to be a sahm but not wanting to :(

There's no need to feel terrible. Nothing wrong at all with wanting to have a career.

Get yourself back to work guilt free.

Different strokes for different folks. I'd give anything to be a SAHM! I despise my job. I am neither able to the best mother, or the best version of myself at work, or the best GF. Completely splitting myself 3 ways and feeling guilty no matter what I prioritise.

You shouldn't feel bad about that. If you want to go to work, you should. If you feel like you are going to feel guilty about that but have the luxury of not having to go to work, then maybe try part time?

I personally chose to be a SAHM because I lost my own parents when I was a teen. Coming from a family that sadly doesn't seem to have the longest life expectancy, I just knew I wanted to spend as much time as possible with them. It is hard though. You have to do what is right for you and your baby. There is no right or wrong.

I just don’t know how people do it or want to do it and it makes me feel like a failure. I am so horribly bored and frustrated by midday, I find it so hard.

Not to judge but the drudgery is motherhood for such a large part. It does pass and there are so many lovely moments coming especially in the next few months.. I have 3, and I still love the wonder of the world as seen through their eyes.

@Ash099 when will it change? I feel like it’s Groundhog Day all the time.

@Ash099 i do go out with him but it’s all such a faff

Because people are different but also because societal expectations pressure women to feel like it is something they should want to do.

Do you think your partner is a failure since I'm assuming he hasn't volunteered to do it? If not then why does it make you a failure?

You’re not alone OP. I thought I would want to be a SAHM because surely it would be marvellous being free to do whatever all day, doing my nails, doing my hair, wearing nice yummy mummy outfits, meeting up with other mums. But that was not my experience of mat leave whatsoever. I didn’t have any inclination to put the slightest effort into myself, I think I became depressed - my entire 24/7 existence was just about the baby. I found the relentlessness of sleeping with one eye and one ear open, to be overwhelming. I still do now - even the Xmas break (2 weeks for me), is starting to give me flashbacks 😳

I went back just shy of 11 months, and I’m pregnant again now, planning to go back 7.5 months (partly for financial reasons too, as I don’t qualify for any mat pay).

I go to work for a rest op! No guilt here. You are more than just mum.

I just want to be left alone for a bit each day. I literally cannot think or plan or drink a tea without feeling on edge and needed at all times. I hate it.

Go back part time? Then you can have the best of both worlds. Don't feel guilty for being bored, it can be boring! It's better if you have other friends with babies who you can meet up with.

Go back to work. Very few people are really wired to enjoy the relentlessness of 24/7 childcare. We could "afford" for me to be a SAHM, but I'd be an utterly miserable one, so I never considered it. The data doesn't lie; given access to good childcare, the vast majority of women with children prefer to work, at least part time.

I noticed a change after about 20 months, just over about 1 and a half if I remember right. I think 1ish is a hard age, and the sheer work required is just so much. I promise it does get better, we are out a lot, and I don't even take the pram, wee one happy to walk (from about age 21 months). Can sit on a chair (not high chair), eat finger food for lunch. I cant believe how hands off it is now compared to age 1, hang in there xx

Don’t feel bad for not wanting to be a stay at home parent - it is absolutely relentless being with children all day sometimes.

For us it made more sense financially for me to be a sahm, but I also don’t have to worry about career progression as such. Prior to becoming a parent I was self employed and wfh, when I finished maternity leave I worked occasional evenings and weekends just for a bit of extra spending money, but we don’t rely on my income and I’m now on maternity leave again so not working at the moment. However being self employed I chose when/if I work. Obviously I know this isn’t a circumstance many find themselves in so I appreciate I’m fortunate to be in this position.

I also do the bulk of the housework and cooking so don’t necessarily feel bored, as DS ‘helps’ with all those tasks it does take a large proportion of the day. We also play together a lot more now that he is older. 13 months is a tricky age where they between a baby and a toddler.

I love it (most of the time!) but it’s definitely not for everyone and that’s okay - we can’t all enjoy the same thing, that would be boring!

I get this. Hopefully your LO still has a nap or two? That was my time to gather myself.

Who says you have to want to be a SAHM just because you can be one?

I never wanted to be a SAHM (I couldn't have been one even if I'd wanted to).

The expectation that not working is always better than working is very out-dated. In the days when it was the norm, an awful lot of women were shoehorned into a role which wasn't right for them just because society said that women should remain in the home and a lot of women really struggled with it. It suits some people but most eventually want some sort of stimulation outside the home. Ultimately, over the long-term it's also dangerous to rely totally on one other person's income for your financial security so there are many very practical reasons not to feel you have to do it.

If there are people who make you feel you should want to be a SAHM just because you can, you need to stand up for what you want. It's your life, not theirs. Do what makes you happy.

@Ash099 thanks. I’m honestly in tears reading this as I do try and go out most days and do meet other mums but there’s so much stuff to think about. So much preparation to just leave the bloody house, then the pram assembly, then the checking the nappy, then needing baby changing units if you’re going out. I usually get home and wonder why I bothered. I do enjoy time with him and he makes me laugh and we play together but I hate not having even ten minutes alone in the day.

Lack of sensible caring childcare, practicalities. I actually did work until school was well underway. Childcare gets harder where I am. I do volunteer and dinner lady stuff because I'd be miserable without something as I'm not particularly a homebody. My best balance over the years was a three days a week (Monday, Wednesday, Friday) role about 21 hours. Unfortunately I was made redundant.

I did 3 days a week. It was the perfect balance for me. I enjoyed my job and kept my hand in but I also really enjoyed my time at home with my littles. It benefited them to go to nursery a couple of days and have a day with extended family, but I still felt number one in their worlds.
That was probably the happiest time in my life.

Awh bless. You are doing such a great job and it's okay to be knackered and even sometimes really hate all the effort it takes. Is there someone who can watch him for a bit even just at home, so you know you can just t relax for a bit/mentally switch off. Sending hugs 🫂

I do recommend some good playgroups when they're very young. Go regularly to structure the week and make friends.

At the time, I didn't enjoy my job or the office environment. I was in a tedious, boring job in an open plan office where smokers outnumbered non-smokers by about 5 to 1. There was little to no ventilation - I was shouted at if I dared to open a window. I used to go home with a splitting headache every day.

I decided to bring forward starting a family just so I could escape from that environment! I had absolutely no desire to return to work.

By the time I eventually returned to office work, over 20 years later, smoking in offices had been banned and fresh air was acceptable, thank god!

I had a career in early years education. When my DC were born I couldn't imagine handing them over to someone else to care for when it was my area of expertise. It isn't for everybody, but it was the right thing for me. Having returned to my career for another twenty five years before I retired I now look after my DGC almost full time. I can't imagine my life without small children in it.

For me, it was that I has to choose one or the other, either be switched on for home, or switched on for work (I am disabled, but able to manage fairly well in one capacity- can't juggle both)

And the costs of childcare, dog care, getting eldest to school, pretty much left me with £60 a week left (there are other circumstances that just make it that little bit more awkward, like being SE meaning contracts can abruptly end, and that under the CIS scheme I pay 20% of tax from everything I earn but claim back...so a bit more to try and balance)

Along with the general tiredness, hours out of the home being 6:30am-6:30-7pm each night I thought, fuck it. I think I'll stay at home with the kids.

There's guilt whatever choice you make, so concentrate on what it is that will eventually make you happy and go from there