To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

[Hjjo]

ds is 13 months. I feel like it’s constant and it won’t ever stop will it? He’s not even difficult. He’s a placid baby mostly. I’m just so bored. I feel terrible but I want to be at work and just away from the nappies and the routine and the non stop demands. I feel terrible for being able to be a sahm but not wanting to :(

ElaineMBenes

Did you ever think for a second that my definition raising a child is completely different to yours!! Why does everyone MN keep jumping to conclusions.

But it isn't jumping to conclusions when you outright said that you didn't want someone else raising your child.

Because you didn't say it was a difference in opinion.
You said you chose to be a SAHP because YOU wanted to raise your children. That suggests you think working parents aren't raising their own children.

People comment on what they see written down. Don't write something so inflammatory if you aren't happy being challenged 🤷🏼‍♀️

Circumstances dictated my time as a SAHM and it wasn't something me or DH wanted long term.

Everyone is different and as long as both people in the relationship are happy with the arrangement, and crucially the person giving up financial independence is appropriate protected legally, then that's all that matters.

My mum was and I just assumed that I would be. I also had DS1 very young so I didn't have much of a career and it seemed like it made sense to take a break rather than rush back to work and have to stress over childcare etc. The first thing I did actually was go back to uni when he was 2, putting him in childcare part time. Then I got a part time job as well.

I actually don't like the SAHM role very much, which surprised me because it was all I wanted to do when I was a little girl. It's too unstructured and I don't do very well with that. I tend to just waste time and laze around and not do any of the fantastic enriching activities that the perfect SAHM version of me in my head is doing. I do much better when I have less time to waste, and I have a very set window to fit family time, educational activities, fun play together, outdoor time, cleaning, etc. When it feels like I have endless time to do them all none of them get done.

I also love the fact that nurseries do a lot of this stuff and take care of lunch so I don't have to think about it and can just spend our time together doing what I/they want to do. Providing three meals every day is some kind of torture somehow.

Go back to work. You can always quit again if you want to. I could never have been a SAHM. I took 6 months, my husband took the next 6 months and now we both work FT.

Can you go back part time? This was the best of both worlds for me, I got to some spend time with DCs which I looked forward to and also had a life outside of nappies and the drudgery of home. Longer term this has been invaluable for me personally and financially.

Why aren't you getting any time alone each day, are you a single parent?

ElaineMBenes

This conversation is getting absolutely ridiculous now.

Of causes it's my opinion because I was only answering for myself and not the other millions of parents out there.

I imagine there is very few parents if any on the planet who have exactly the same method of raising their children.

When I went on may leave with my first, I had every intention of being a SAHM. Many of my friends were, and seemed happy and fulfilled. Both of us had mums that never worked.

But I found it so boring and relentless that I changed my mind and went back to work, albeit 2 days a week. Best decision I ever made. We were extremely lucky in that we had grandparents thrilled to do a day each, as childcare (as in a nursery or childminder) would not have been something we’d have chosen.

Do you think working parents raise their children?

Because your comment suggests you don't think they do. So either you believe what you wrote or you need to be more articulate because more than one person interpreted your comment that way.

I became a SAHM because I didn't like the idea of strangers caring for my DC, and I didn't have childcare options available in my family. I felt lucky that we could make it work financially. Money is tighter but it's worth it to my DH and me.

I get out every day, we have a set weekly routine: swimming lesson on Mondays, meet with mum friend and same age child on Tuesdays, visit grandparents on Wednesdays, playgroup on Thursdays and the big shop on Fridays.

I also visit parks, farm parks, nature reserves, go into town, see other mum friends etc spontaneously so that every week doesn't feel the same. My DC are 3 and 12 weeks old.

I was desperate to go back to work after my first. So I went back part time and loved it. Second was born during Covid, it was all a bit different, work became really stressful, several local nurseries shut meaning childcare was almost impossible. So I did the SAHM thing for a couple of years. I did quite enjoy it - older one was in preschool a couple of days a week, parents had moved close to us so helped out a lot, did some nice classes with them. But that was my maximum, I was so very ready to go back to work before my second turned 3! So now I work part time again and am happy with it.

Being a SAHM is really hard. It’s ok if you want to work.

I too got fed up with the pram assembly and got a lightweight stroller at 13 months which changed my life! I always keep a small bag as well with a change of clothes, nappy and wipes ready at all times as well which also helped when leaving to get ready!

ElaineMBenes

Of course I do what a ridiculous question.
But I can't imagine for one second that all parents raise their kids the same .
But silly me I thought that was just common sense and shouldn't need to be spelled out for people.

Do what works for you. I always thought I’d be a SAHP - I didn’t and haven’t been and went back to work with my first at 1 and second at 18 months. No regrets I’ve never missed first steps, been to nativities and my girls know they always come first.

My friend had every intention of going back to work but once her baby born she knew she wouldn’t & hasn’t. She thrives being a SAHP involved in PTA and using her skills for marketing and fundraising.

Another friend thought she should be a SAHP and has struggled on with a now 8 year old. She works PT but she misses the role she had before and it’s been hard for her. Suffers from a lack of confidence and depression/guilt.

Do what works for you and your family.

You knew exactly what the poster meant, lay off.

is it ‘raising’ you take issue with? Would ‘caring’ be a better word?

if the poster had said ‘I wanted to care for my own child’ that have been ok?

Because there is a difference between nursery caring for your child between 8-6, and you doing it yourself. You are both raising your own child- but if they go to nursery full time, then nursery IS caring for them (or raising them!) for a huge chunk of it!

It’s absolutely fine if you want to go back to work- we are lucky enough to have the choice and you need to make the right choice for your family.

i don’t understand why on these threads people who work outside the home leap down the throats of when anyone dares suggest that nursery is looking after their child. Because they are.

if the semantics upset you- i’d wonder why that is.

And my child also attends nursery. They are part of a big group effort of raising her!

As PP have said, it's not wrong to feel how you do, we are all different. I bloody love being a SAHM.

To be fair, I live somewhere there is loads to do, and I have lots of friends nearby. I am not short of money, and have many interests. I love my own company too, and can happily spend hours reading or crafting whilst baby naps. I have three and am currently pregnant with fourth, and so far all of mine have had two hour sleeps every single afternoon until they were three years old so I suspect that has helped too.

Going back to work before they are at senior school at least would make me really unhappy.

You should do whatever is best for you OP, and ignore anyone who says otherwise.

Find some part time childcare, if you can - our local playgroup runs three mornings a week, and that little bit of respite was amazing (it cost, of course, but nowhere near what a proper nursery would have) - did housework in peace and could mentally relax a bit.

You don't think there's a difference between 'caring/looking after' and 'raising'?

Parents raise their children but Childminders/Nursery workers/Grandparents etc care for/look after children during working hours.

It isn't unusual on these threads for SAHM's to say that working parents don't raise their children and to actually mean it.

@sickbucket67 yes I know or exactly what that poster meant. Despite the backtracking when challenged.

I couldn't care less what other people choose to do, work, stay at home.....who cares? However, I do have an issue with people judging women (and let's face it, it's only women that get judged) for the choices they make. People should be more mindful of the language they use.

I'm perfectly comfortable with the choices I made but I know women who have to work out of necessity not choice, to literally put a roof over their head and food on the table. Imagine then reading some of the comments that get thrown at working mothers?

That comment was insulting.

Different strokes as they say. There's no right way.

But can people be a little careful not to suggest that SAHMs are somehow "lesser" or more suited to tedium and drudgery than WOHs? There is often an undercurrent-maybe not nconscious- of "it's fine if you're able to deal with the repetition and boredom. Me? I want more from life" on these threads.

ElaineMBenes

1. I wasn't backtracking it was you that was jumping to conclusions obviously because you've got a very big chip on your shoulder about something.

1. You didn't challenge me all you did was make yourself look very bitter.

OP I was a SAHM as the only way me working as well as DH would have needed us having a live in nanny . I didn’t want that and we didn’t have the spare room . I also was bored of my job so always assumed that I’d change career or start a business from home once the free child care hours kicked in .

I had 2 18 months apart in the end. It was really tough at times . I got out every morning with them and was lucky to make a good group of mum friends - which enlivened things . Mine are GCSE age now and we are still good friends .

I would say that you are at the hardest stage at the moment . Another PP mentioned getting a cheap light weight buggy to use - they are invaluable to make things easier . I think about 18 months kids get much more interesting and you’ll be able to do things with them and watch them really appreciate where you are taking them . I had an annual pass for a local farm park which I used every single week without fail as it was time out which I didn’t need to have inspiration about ! As they get older we just moved onto a different annual pass .

By the time the spring weather comes round DS should be developing and you might enjoy it more .